Growthtrac Community

[ladyt]

I get daily subjects on getting through divorce. Thought I'd share one that hits close to home for me. I wish my ex would see how he's hurting himself and those around him with this unresolved anger.

Anger in Divorce
Day 56

Anger can root deeply, grow quickly, and choke out your emotional health. Unless you cut away at your anger and learn to express it in a healthy manner, it can cause great harm to you and to others around you.

"I wanted to hurt him as badly as he hurt me," shares Joanne. "My anger was big, and it was black. It made me want to kill him. I knew I wouldn't, but I wanted to. I had enough knowledge to know that my anger was going to eventually eat me alive. Acid corrodes, as people say. That's when I knew that I had to direct my anger or learn to control it or dissipate it."

You may feel guilty about the extreme thoughts your anger is leading you to have. Be assured that these thoughts are normal for a person who is going through a divorce.

Howard shares, "I had tremendous guilt over some feelings I had, just awful and violent things I wanted to do to get even. It was such a relief to know that the things I'm feeling--the depression, the suicidal thoughts, the anger, and the violent thoughts are something common to this situation, something that can be faced and overcome."

If you are in a divorce, you will at some point feel anger. The extent of that anger will vary from person to person, but God commands everyone to be wise in anger.

"A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control" (Proverbs 29:11).

Almighty God, the force of my anger is unbelievable. Sometimes it takes over, and all I see is red, hot rage. I pray for wise, safe anger. Hear my prayer. Amen.

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Suggested reading from the DivorceCare HelpCenter

The Anger Workbook
Les Carter
http://www.divorcecare.org

[km]

Some good observations on anger - and not just limited to divorce or relationship issues.

[rdsmith3]

Good article.

I do not believe I am angry at my ex-spouse for the hurt she did to me. However, I am dealing with the aftermath of her abuse and abandonment of the children. It will affect them for many, many years, and she is not around to pick up the pieces (I have 100% custody). My wife has been a great help in this area.

So I am sad for these children, for what their mother did to them. Even 10 years later, the effects are very apparent.

[rdsmith3]

BTW, my wife and I have talked about being involved in a ministry that somehow helps step-families/blended families. We see it as an unserved need.

[ladyt]

I agree km.

I'm not angry at my ex, just dont like how he treats/uses our dau.

[km]

ladyt - I think you have a good handle on the difference between justifiable anger over an event (which demonstrates the falleness of people and the world) and anger at a particular fallen person. It is a tricky tightrope walk sometimes.

After all, "Jesus wept" and he was angered now and then - but I understand it more as being righteous anger over falleness rather than individually directed personal anger.

[resecured]

How are things going? I still worry over what your ex has said and done in the past.

-RJ-

[ladyt]

Well he is getting advice from his family and friends, not to pay me child support since our dau was visiting my son for 3 weeks and stayed with him for 6 weeks. She's been back since 1 August and he still has not paid me a thing. His license will be suspended next week if he does not pay but I don't think he believes it. I will not back down on him paying me for the arrears. I have already stated that after Oct 09 he does not have to pay anymore since she will be 18 and will start getting a check. Our decree has him paying until she graduates 12th grade June 2010. Lord help us. This is ridiculous and to see how much of a stronghold Satan has on him is sad.

He's going out of town Thurs for the holiday weekend and our dau and baby is going with him. I have to buy formula and pampers today as she does to have income yet but her dad won't help me. God is not sleep. I just want to do what's right and pleasing in the eyes of God. he is so angry and bitter that he can't see the enemy's hand in this.

[SAM]

RD,

Have you heard of http://www.successfulstepfamilies.com ?

Ron Deal wrote a book called The Smart Stepfamily: Seven Steps to a Healthy Family and has a new book coming out in October 2009 called The Smart Stepmom: Practical Tips to Help You Thrive. And, I believe another book due out in January 2010 called The Remarriage Checkup: Tools to Make Your Marriage Last a Lifetime.

Also, if the two of you can find a common purpose together, you will be amazed by how much it changes the dynamics of your marriage - for the better.

[rdsmith3]

RD,

Have you heard of http://www.successfulstepfamilies.com ?

Ron Deal wrote a book called The Smart Stepfamily: Seven Steps to a Healthy Family and has a new book coming out in October 2009 called The Smart Stepmom: Practical Tips to Help You Thrive. And, I believe another book due out in January 2010 called The Remarriage Checkup: Tools to Make Your Marriage Last a Lifetime.

Also, if the two of you can find a common purpose together, you will be amazed by how much it changes the dynamics of your marriage - for the better.

SAM

Thanks. I am on the successful stepfamilies e-mail list, so I get their newsletter (but have not read the book).

I agree with you that a common purpose could be very helpful for our marriage.

Ice has been slowly melting in our marriage.Your ongoing prayers would be greatly appreciated.

[ladyt]

Prayers are always going up for my Growthtrac family. Keep doing the right thing. God is faithful despite what He knows about us. If sorrow does not lead us to God, it will lead us to death. Stay in the game RD.

SAM thank you for your wisdom and encouragement.

[SAM]

A friend of mine recommended the following message given by Dr. Henry Cloud who wrote the Boundaries books. It's the message from August 8th and 9th on dealing with wise people, foolish people, and evil people in your life. It's very eye-opening.

http://www.willowcreek.org/mediaplayer/ ... id=3&id=14

RD -
So good to hear that the ice is slowly melting. I admire your persistence to hang in there and love this woman, even when she is unlovable. Aren't we all unlovable at times? However, our human patience is rather lacking and you are an inspiration to me on so many levels. When I think of things going on in my life right now, I think of you. And, I think if RD can hang in there with this issue, I can hang in there with my husband's family right now.

Okay - I'm going way off topic on this thread, but here goes. We went to see a pulmonologist yesterday with my MIL. She has severe COPD. The doctor told her she cannot live alone any more and she cannot drive. Yet, she insists on going home - 7 hours from us with no family around her. She has no means of purchasing food or driving to her doctor appointments. My husband's brothers think she should still be okay with weekly checkups from the boys. The three guys will take turns driving down there once a month to checkup on her. (Something my husband does not want to do.)

The doctor specifically stated, "daily care is needed." I'm really struggling with grace and understanding and patience (quite frankly I want to hit them along side the head with a baseball bat to knock some sense into their heads) - especially since my mother died from COPD. And, mom hides things from the boys, that I (the only daughter-in-law) sees. She tells me how weak she is, she tells me how she is lonely and bored, and she tells me how exhausted she is to simply take a shower. My husband is on board with her living here - however, the other two brothers feel we should do what makes mom happy for whatever time she has left. Are they clueless? I need some help to get the "men" to realize all that is ahead of them with this disease their mom has. It is a horrible way to die.

[km]

SAM - My instant (and uninformed) take is that the brothers are viewing this from a fully untempered male point of view.

If a man wants to do something his way, and without help, other men will let him - even if it is going to be a surefire disaster. Forcing a man to take help against his will is worse that killing him (or letting him die). They may be looing at this in that fashion.

That the brothers are single ... well they don't have anyone in their immediate life to get them out of that point of view.

[SAM]

Thanks, KM.
I appreciate the perspective. I kind of figured as much. My psychology and sociology classes have been very applicable lately.
As men, they feel mom will respond in the same manner.

I decided to share my feeling with mom with morning. She feels she is a burden to me. My gosh, I've known this woman since I was 14 and she has been a surrogate mom in many ways. I shared my heart, my concerns, and my worries with her being alone. I even shared with my husband this morning, she does not shower often enough because she is exhausted when she does. She waits until she has the energy. I asked if he notices this... well, you know the answer.

[rdsmith3]

SAM

I am sorry to hear about your MIL. Men can be clueless, oblivious, and also selfish. Men are also not caretakers by nature, and the thought of being committed to caring for a needy person is enough to make most men go running in the other direction. If the other brothers admit that it is serious enough that she needs to live with you, then it increases their guilt that they need to be doing more than just the occasional visit. So my take is that these guys are somewhat in denial about how serious it is, and somewhat being selfish. It is also easy to take for granted that your parents will always be around.

My father would be 90 this year. He died in 2002. A friend of mine just lost his father, who was born the same year as my dad. My mother is 83 now. I realize that time with her is precious.

I applaud you for being willing to step up and do the right thing.