Growthtrac Community

[Patience86]

My husband has been having an affair for the last 5 months with his payroll secretary. We have been married for 22 years and have 2 children. His secretaries divorce was final in April '08 and he filed for divorce from me earlier this month. He is trying to mend a strained relationship with my daughter (she's 15 yrs old), she's extremely upset with him because of the affair. Now he is trying to push my daughter into meeting his new girlfriend. It really upsets my daughter because our divorce is not final and he is wanting her to accept the new girlfriend even though she ended her 11 yr strong marriage and is willing to break up mine to be with my husband. My daughter is really active in our church and has a strong love and faith in God but is still struggling with what our family is going through. I have had her see a church counselor and have been praying with her and for her. Please give more suggestions or advice if you have any. Thanks

[SAM]

Wow! I am praying for you and your family.

My parents divorced when I was 15 - not an easy time.
I'm so glad to hear you have her meeting with the church counselor. It's important that she continue to go.

Right now, you are her biggest cheerleader and defender. Standing up for her and keeping her out of harms way is what her father should have done, but since he has not, then it now rests on you. If she does not want to meet her father's girlfriend, then she needs to tell her father no. If she's going to spend time with her dad, then it needs to be on her terms, not her father's terms. And, if he forces this meeting on her, make sure she has a cell phone so she can call you and leave.

I don't know what the courts say today, but when I was 15 I had a choice to visit with my father or not visit with him or go live with him. I chose not to. If the courts give her the option, then let her choose. You've taught her what is right and wrong and she loves God.

[believer]

So sorry to hear of your heartbreak. I was divorced in '94'. My daughter was 5, my son almost 2. The years of my X not making an effort to have a relationship with our children finally took it's toll on my son 3 years ago. After an argument that my X had with my daughter, my son decided he no longer wanted to see his father. I think he was looking for a way out and took it when the disagreement happened. His dad had decided shortly after the divorce that he wanted visitation on every other Saturday from noon until 6. No Holidays, no summer vacation. On those Saturdays he would pick the kids up and stick my son on the computer or in front of the TV when they reached his house.

With that brief background being stated, my son refuses to have anything to do with his dad. I have spoken to him about it several times over the past 3 years but I haven't pushed him. I've told him that my only concern is that he will have regrets should his father become ill. My son tells me that he never thinks about his dad unless someone brings him up. That he has enough to deal with in dealing with school ( he is dyslexic), work, friends and the process of growing up. He has said to have to deal with his father and the type of person that he is would push him over his limit. I respect my son's feelings and want to protect him from what I know would be a difficult situation. I'm sure that you feel the same way about your daughter. My daughter handles things differently with her dad. That is her choice and I have to respect that.

I am sorry that you and your daughter have to deal with this. I will pray for you both. To allow some peace in her teenage mind about all of this is very important. She needs a chance to breath and be a kid. May God bless you both with some quiet moments were this issue is not on your minds. I will pray for your X as well.

[montanna]

Hi Patience,

I am so sorry to hear of your situation. I am praying for you and your family~

My parents got divorced a few years ago I was 31 and my only sibling ( sister) was 15. My dad became a drug addict and made very poor choices as your husband is doing. My sister hated him until the past few months. My mom was not as supportive as you are and did not get her in counsling. It seems what you are doing is the right thing. Your daughter has a right to feel the way she feels. She will heal and come to him in her own time, you just being there and being her mother the way you are is what she needs and God will pull her through!

God Bless!

bg

[ladyt]

I am just reading this post and its just so sad how adults act in a divorce. Children's needs are the last thing that is considered. My ex now gives the child support check to our dau and she does not tell me. I found the check in her wallet. I am paying all of the bills and he's teaching her to hide money just like he did during our marriage. Sad, but God is not sleep and will not be mocked.

We will soon be going to mediation over his custody suit of our soon to be 18 yr old and her baby. The fee is $120 an hr per person. It took 8 hrs of mediation before I gave up and allowed him to have what he wanted. Our dau is in the middle and its causing her grief and feeling caught in the middle which adds to her acting out cycles.

God is near.

[SAM]

That's so unfortunate. If her father was a wise man, he would know that the money he is giving your daughter will not be spent on the baby.

I heard a really good message online recently by Dr. Henry Cloud (he wrote Boundaries) about how to live and interract with wise people, foolish people, and evil people.

A wise person leans toward The Light and wants to know more about The Light. They seek out The Light and want to live by it's side. They accept correction from others and are willing to adjust themselves with a desire to become more Christlike. They are willing to listen and check out the speck of dust in their own eyes.

A foolish person causes collateral damage. They refuse to change, avoid responsibility, shift blame, will not listen to correction, and feel they have no consequences or limits.

An evil person requires one to protect themselves or their family with money, guns, and lawyers. There is no reasoning and they will try to hurt you with every opportunity given. Warn a quarrelsome person once or twice, then be done with them. There is no need to deal with them anymore. Conversation is useless, calm interaction is useless.

[ladyt]

Wow, how insightful! Thanks for sharing SAM. I'm at a lost on his behavior but God isn't. Our dau counselor says it makes matters worse with our dau to be in the middle of this. She also says our dau sees the difference but still takes up for her dad. He has not picked her up once since he dropped her and the baby back home, but did give her a check for $100 last night in church. You are right she will not spend on baby. She lied and said he did not give her any money. Since she left her purse up front I looked and saw the check. I'm not sure how long I will be able to hang in there. The 3 guys hiding in the closet incident this weekend has me waivering on the "Sticking by your Teen" idea.

[SAM]

Three guys hiding in your closet this weekend?

Do you mean she invited three guys into your home and hid them so you would not know they were there?

That is awfully, awfully scary - worrisome - unsafe. For all you know they could rob you blind, rape your daughter, and hurt the baby.

[km]

Unfortunately, I have to suspect (from all we've seen related here) that daughter is active with the boys she is seeing.

There is a real danger to baby as ladyt from this situation.

My prayers go out for you.

[ladyt]

Yes she is active.

[resecured]

ladyt,

Would she have acted out this way while living with her dad? It is such a shame that she is hurting the one true person who really cares and supports her.

I wonder about her getting out on her own in a little while, with the baby. She may find out pretty quick that it's not easy having to deal with everything on your own. That may be when it dawns on her how lucky she really is to have you. I hope so.

-RJ-

[ladyt]

No, she would not have tried this with her dad. She is so comfortable at home in her own space and the baby has his. Her dad has a 1 bedroom and he slept on sofa and she and baby sleep in full-size bed.

Her dad is allowing her to move in his apt in late Oct and he is moving into his house. She plans to take him up on his offer. I feel this would sabotage her 12th grade year as she is VERY promiscuous. HIs lease is up in Jan and then she will need to move out in Jan. She is to graduate in June. Its difficult for her at home so I can imagine her being out on her own. Her dad knows what happened with the guys in my house but he has said nothing. She will ahve all kind of people in that apt with that baby there.

She is under watch each week she gets a visit from the Dept of Children and Services. Her counselor nor DCS wants her to move out with baby.

[km]

I feel so badly for that poor baby (and you as well)!
It is the most helpless feeling in the world to watch your kids screwing up (deliberately, defiantly, outrageously even), it tears your heart to pieces.
With my son, the first baby is actually what straightened him out. He married the mother and has been a very good dad - straightened out, sobered up, working and providing and really doing the whole daddy thing very well (I have to say that in many ways he is far better at it than I was).

[SAM]

Her father said nothing about the men in your home? That is amazing. Her risk for STI's is incredible.

Her father has lost his brain cells offering her the apartment. The liklihood of her finishing high school will be slim to none. My heart just aches for you and I pray for strength to cover you and wisdom too. You certainly have your work cut out for you. However, it is good that the counselor and DCS are keeping an eye on her - weekly. That certainly needs to continue.

What did she say to you when you found the men in the house?

[km]

STIs are a big danger.
As is physical or sexual abuse of her, or abuse of the baby (how many times do you read of an arest for abuse of a small child and it is the mother's boyfriend who is the perp).