Growthtrac Community

[SAM]

Good stuff... progress. Yeah, God!!

One key thing I learned in classes this past week...
That relapse happens 75% of the time in any behavior we are trying to break.
When we want to change something in ourselves, at the 2 week mark 62% of us will still
stick with making the change. After 1 year, only 15-20% of us will have made a permanent change. I was amazed by these figures. We human beings are a stubborn bunch, aren't we?

One thing that keeps sticking with me throughout the posts, is the expectation of perfection in all areas of our marriage. Marriage will never be perfect - we can thank Adam and Eve for that. There is no such thing as a "perfect" couple. I'm not perfect, and I certainly cannot expect it from my husband. I know I have a propensity to set the ladder higher for my poor husband than I am willing to set it for myself.

In the book Love and Respect, Emerson Eggerichs addresses "The Crazy Cycle" we all get ourselves into in marriage. He dissects it ,and it becomes very clear how each of us contributes to this breakdown in marriage. It becomes so crystal clear, that it is marriage changing.

Dear RJ -
It is time to see a counselor. The burden of hiding is not good for the soul and neither is keeping it all in. I believe if you can release this burden, you will find yourself more at peace.

Praying for you.

[lynn]

I'm apprenhensive about spilling my guts to a stranger. I've always been a very private person. "Less said the better", has always been one of my mottos. I know now that I have to unload his burdens to a person. I need him to tell
someone other than me. So that maybe he can see it all in a different light. He cannot see it clearly, what
he had done and how it has truly affected me, through me. It won't be easy for him either, but it will be
cleansing for him as well.

Dear Resecured

I was also afraid of seeking council, but it is the best thing we ever did for our marriage. It brings fresh perspective both ways. You felt the freedom of just getting everything out in the open, so grab the opportunity to do it through a counsellor. It will make your husband also understand that nothing will ever be the same again and assist him to see what he has put you through.

On the subject of the differences between men and women. I read an interesting article that stated that when God created Adam(man) (Gen 2 v7) He used dust and Adam's purpose was to care for the earth and animals BUT when He created Eve (woman) He used the man's rib (Gen 2 v 21 -25), so that the man can have a companion. So woman was created from the man and not directly from the dust. The article mentioned that this is the reason why men are SOOOOO different from women. Men don't look at things from the same emotional level, because that was not their primary function when they were created.
If you think about it, this makes a lot of sense. It also explains why women are a lot more in touch with the touchy feely side of every thing.

[joevarro]

This has happened with my husband also, not the infidelity part, but the excessive hugging.
There are many things he could do. There are many things you could do. You should have no shame in approaching another woman and letting her know that you are not comfortable with her sharing her affection in a physical way. If she thinks strangely of you, who really cares? You have good reason NOT to trust your husband. I know full well my husband won't cheat on me, but that doesn't make me any less uncomfortable, so I've told him, and he's stopped doing it, and if he's put in the position, he'll do a side hug and make it quick. Once he started doing that, they don't come for hugs at all anymore. Wierd.
A hug with cheeck contact is too intimate.
I've found most of these people we hug, we don't know very well, especially ones at church. Because of his "weakness" and because of your vulnerability, he should not only be willing, but open about changing. He should be honest and tell the women, please don't hug me, I've fallen into temptation before and don't want that door opened again. It's not okay, what he's doing, and you need to give yourself some credit. If you're being paranoid, you have good reason to be. And unless he's not truly sorry, he would stop this nonsense immediately.

[charity1]

joevarro,
Thank you for your response. Ironically since I posted this question my husband has completely stopped doing any hugging at church. It is awesome! Hopefully he is controlling himself out in the world as well. He truly is remorseful, so I don't have any reason to doubt that he is.

[j3anjean]

SAM, Love and Respect is an amazing book that really opened my eyes to know what my husband needs from me. It is solid biblical advice- Ephesians 5. I think that too often women think that the husband has to earn the wife's respect. How can women not see that the respect issue is commanded by God. I think women, especially women who have been deeply hurt by their spouse, tend to ignore that end of things.

We are human and we are going to fail. Just as God opens His arms back up to us when we repent -so we, too, need to offer this grace in our marriages.

I agree about RJ seeking counseling, the secret has started to metastasize. This isn't protecting anyone. It is poisoning you, RJ. Time to open up and get some help with this. It is a burden too big to carry alone and you are showing signs of wear.

Mercy, lynn! That does make sense. The whole Adam and Eve thing. Very insightful!

[resecured]

I agree, I am showing signs of being worn down. Not to anyone looking in from the outside, but deep down inside of me. It just seems as if my striving to keep my part of the bargain that he asked me to make has literally been shoved back in my face. Especially since it happened on my anniv. That has been the hardest pill to swallow with all of this.

-RJ-

ps My h. has been looking up counselors in our area. He has also been searching online for couples who have made it through such as this. He is scared that I have given up on him and this marriage. I just needed him to be made aware that the knife cut pretty deeply this time with it happening on our anniv.

[SAM]

RJ -
The weight you are carrying is the secret of your husband's sin.
He had no right to ask you to keep this to yourself.
Unless someone suffers the consequences of their choices, they seldom learn from their mistakes...
nor do they understand the pain they have caused.
And, it seems this may be the case, since he does not seem to fully recognize and acknowledge
the hurt he has caused you by making the choice to stare at another woman's chest on your anniversary.

God does not allow sin to stay in hiding forever. His light requires it to be revealed. It has a way of
poisoning those who keep it inside.

I'm glad to hear he is checking out counselors.

Due to your circumstances, I want to recommend http://www.faithfulandtrueministries.com
They may have someone in your area they can recommend. They specialize in sexual addictions.
The founders of this ministry, Mark and Debra Laaser, is a couple who has made it through sexual addiction.

[resecured]

Sam,

That is the reason I have shut down from him for a while. I feel he needs to experience some sort of consequence for not bouncing his eyes, as he had promised that he would.

Do I expect perfection from him? No, but I do expect control in the areas that he knows for a fact are his weaknesses. Just like I know there are certain areas that I am weak in, so I know not to go there. It is a constant battle for both of us in this type of marriage. We have a broken marriage, seriously broken.

I'm angry. Justifiably angry. Who wouldn't be with that sort of thing happening right before your very eyes and on your wedding anniv? I'll move on from this, like I have many other disappointments that he has dealt me. Only with God's help though.

Thanks Sam, Jeannie, Lynn. These last few days have been somewhat rough with trying to be me in front of our guests while my guts were churning.

-RJ-

[SAM]

RJ -

A wife cannot be her husband's accountability partner.
That is why both of you need people to talk to who will
provide accountability outside your marriage.

By him asking you to keep this a secret, there is no
accountability. He knows you may be furious now,
but that it will blow over in a couple of weeks. Sometimes
our actions provide acceptance of the behavior that allows
it to continue. A counselor would describe this as enabling or
possible co-dependency. Either way, the pattern is
destructive to both of you.

Your anger and shut down is not a consequence because
this is still a secret.

[resecured]

Sam,

I've never thought about it like that. That what I am doing is not a consequence to him. I'm beginning to feel that I need him to at least tell a counselor all that he has done. Can you believe that I still hesitate to tell family members of his failures? I'm thinking more about them, then him. I just pray that unburdening to a counselor will suffice. I know that I will have to forgive him, Mark 11 explains why, very well. I just need time to quell this hurt again. The fact that he did this on our anniv. just makes it a mite harder to do.

Charity,

I am so happy for you that your husband has stopped the hugging. I know you must be so proud of him. You and I are in the same boat, in that we alone cannot make our husbands stop, only God can. My h. has gotten on several sites to try to help me better understand his problem. He has stronly voiced that he has in fact gotten better in alot of areas. That it is doable. That he is not going to quit trying to get where he needs to be, because he failed again. It all SOUNDS so good. I just need time to regain my footing. I cannot tell you how horrible it was to witness his learing first hand. It will take a long time to get the image of that look out of my mind.

-RJ-

[km]

I am not necessarily a fan of telling family members a couple's 'dirty laundry'. Those things color the whole extended family dynamics and can't be untold later when the situation changes.

Getting counseling and accountabilty partners and such is great - but give some serious consideration to what all will happen if the family in general is told.

[charity1]

RJ,
Thank you. I am happy that he had enough respect for me to stop the hugging. He is still friendly and talks to everybody. He might pat them on the shoulder or arm, but the hugging has stopped. I want him to be him, but I don't see the need for all the physical contact.

I'm like km, I'm not a big fan of telling the family either. Fortunately my husband's infidelity came to light without my having any part in it at all. His family found out, but I didn't tell them. None of my family knows, as far as I know. I have repeatedly said I thought counseling was a great idea for you, but I'm wondering if talking to the leaders of your church together and having him confess in front of them might also be something that you both need. There would be more accountability for your husband, and you would have shared the burden you have been carrying in a safe environment. Have you talked to the friend of yours who was coming to visit?

[LoisLane]

Men are a lot like kids sometimes. You can't tell them something once and expect them to "get it."
You are going to need to tell him how you feel EVERY TIME he hugs a woman like that. He may need to be reminded many times.
Don't do the blame thing. Just say, "It hurts me when you hug another woman." He can shake their hands instead.
Don't worry that you're nagging. You're trying to save your marriage.
Also, make sure he gets plenty of body to body contact at home. And let him know that YOU are the source for that contact.
You will begin to feel better about the situation and YOURSELF, when you start taking steps such as this. Don't be a victim.
Be a soldier in the fight for your marriage. If you're a Christian, you are stronger than the devil and his devices. You can beat this.

[resecured]

km, Charity,

I, too, do not think it is a good idea to tell anyone that is family. As you point out, if my husband finally does get to the point that he has conquered his addiction, then we would still have a problem. One that would be very hard to overcome, especially on my side of the family. His mother would have a very hard time of it should she ever find out. She thinks the world of my h. She is so very proud of him. Sometimes it is very hard to hear her sing his praises. The lengths he has gone to in his past would most likely turn most of all our friends against him, as well as most of our family. He is aware that I have the "power" to destroy him. I just feel that God would not want me to do such as that, no matter how hurt I am. Revenge is His, not mine. Is it hard? Do I sometimes contemplate doing it, when times like this past anniv. weekend went? Oh, yes indeed!!!!!! I would regret it though, in the long run. Not because of my h., but because of everyone else.

Charity, I couldn't tell her. I know it would hurt her terribly if she knew that I felt that I couldn't confide in her about this. I just feel that it would make it hard on them.

-RJ-