Growthtrac Community

[NativeGirl]

I feel incredibly blessed to have found this website. Too many times as I have looked at online resources regarding marriage, have I found negative information and even sites advocating divorce. Finding growthtrac and reading the articles and following the posts of others, helps me because I don't feel so alone (although I am never alone)! My marriage is in shambles and has been for a few years. In a nutshell, my husband and I didn't get married until our oldest was three and didn't get back involved with church until about two years ago. We have two boys, a good home, secure jobs and are more or less financially stable. All in all, we have so much!

Three years ago, my husband grew very close to a woman he works with. We were going through a tough time in our marriage and she was going through a divorce. I believe that it never got to the point of an affair, but he admits that it was close and it there was a point in which he seriously considered it. We went to counseling, but ultimately I withdrew because we could never get beyond him to talk about us. That and the fact that I never felt that he would ever take responsibility in the hurt he brought into our marriage.

I turned to God one night after we started attending a new church. I put it in His hands to help heal us. I am struggling now with what my heart is saying and what my mind is saying. Essentially my husband and I have not been able to grow back together. We have good days and I love him with all of my heart, but he is not present in this marriage and I need him to be.

Two quick examples; We were unloading a heavy set of lockers from our trailer the other night and I couldn't carry one of the ends and asked to switch, then I asked if I could walk forward because I was tripping on the hem of my pants and I was worried about falling. He got very upset with me saying I was being a pain in the behind. Then he set the lockers down and walked away, leaving me out in the rain to move the lockers on my own. His temper is quick and really mean. The other thing is that when I try to talk with him, he literally turns his back on me or rolls his eyes and even goes as far as asking if I am done and if he can leave. I can be sitting there crying, trying to reach out to him and he won't respoond. He just stis there like a statue.

I don't know what to do, but pray to God. But right now I am just struggling to find out if my marriage is going to make it. I need my husband....now what?

[km]

Some of the ladies will likely chime in here later, and prove some good advice.

As a fellow, I will alert you to the fact that men are emotional creatures too. In many ways, we're just as emotional as your girlfriends. We are not overt or open emotionally, and are trained not to show them easily.

You've had problems for a long time, the solution will take a long time too. Hang in there, listen to the good advice, and pray a lot too.

[FaithHopeJoy]

Native Girl

Welcome to the Growthtrac Community - you have found a site where you will find warmth, wisdom and a wealth of sound advice when you need it most

I read the title of your post

Should you ever call it quits? When is divorce right?

and initially thought you were looking for reasons to leave your husband, then I read the whole post and realised that, like many of us, you're desperately seeking reasons to stay! Many of us can empathize with your dilemma and have trodden a similar path. One thing is certain - praying to God is never in vain and should never be seen as a last resort - though you might not get the answer you expect or in the timeframe you desire!!

I know that your 'locker incident' wasn't really funny - but you have to see the funny side. Think about it from the man's point of view........ You were moving the lockers together and it was difficult. You asked for consideration but didn't get it from your husband, who lost his patience because of your 'weakness'. He left and you struggled to get those lockers shifted on your own. KM and rdsmith and other guys will be able to say more than I can on this, but I am thinking that it was a mistake to battle on 'solo'. By doing this you actually diminished your hunsband's role as the man and the strong leader. What your actions said, in effect, was "I don't need you - you're surplus to requirement".

My husband told me a while back that he can't handle female emotion - he admits to "getting scared" if I cry. I wear my heart on my sleeve, like most women, rather than hiding or burying my emotions. He usually walks off if my bottom lip starts quivering

I have also had a longstanding tendency to be capable and independent and self-reliant. It took a major crisis in our relationship (my H had an emotional affair with a co-worker who knew exactly how to 'respect' and revere him ) to bring me to my knees before Christ, pleading with Him to show me how to be the wife my H wanted (instead of putting all this effort into being 'superwoman'). I am still learning

We have a long way to go as far as the healing in our relationship goes, but a beautiful thing happened last week. My H told me that something I had done made him feel disrespected. He was invited to lead the evening service at another church and had been excitedly rehearsing his sermon over breakfast. I sing in a worship group in our own church each Sunday evening. When I knew my H was going to be preaching, I called our worship group leader and said I wanted to go and hear my H so I wouldn't be singing that evening. I was so sure my H would be pleased (and feel valued/respected!) that I wanted to hear him. Quite the opposite. When I told him what I had arranged, he went silent for a quite a while, then when he came out of the shower he said he was disappointed that I had not discussed the situation with him. He thought God would rather I contributed to the worship group as usual. I was shocked. I said I wanted to please him - not annoy him. I tried so hard not to dissolve into to tears, but the floods came. I hear you thinking, what has this got to do with anything?! I'll cut to the punchline.......... Instead of turning his back and mocking my emotions as he would have done before, he flung his arms around me and said "we're both on a learning curve and no-one said it would be easy - I am learning what it means to love you in a Christ-like way - and you are learning what it means to respect your husband!"

You can follow my personal journey if you read through my posts over the last couple of years, but I am sharing this with you today to give you hope that things can change, with God's grace, even when the circumstances seem hopeless.

I am lifting you and your family in prayer.

FHJ

[km]

I don't think I would have taken her soldiering on alone as disrespectful to me. But I can see that some men might take it that way - that one is a very individual and specific one that could go either way.

[FaithHopeJoy]

Thanks, Km - I knew I could rely on you to respond. However, I wasn't saying that a woman soldiering on alone with a task is overtly disrespectful per se. I was suggesting that it might make the man feel he wasn't needed and be seen as diminishing his role as the strong 'leader'. The example I gave later in the post - when I hadn't checked out my H's views on a situation - that's what he interpreted as disrespectful. I guess we're back on the topic of clear communication again! Speaking of which, my thoughts and prayers are with you as you try and convey your views in that letter to your lady.

FHJ

[rdsmith3]

I probably would have been annoyed either way with the locker incident.

If my wife had left the locker lying there, I would have thought it was a temper tantrum.

If she had done it without me, it would have confirmed that she was just complaining.

I am just kidding. It's hard to say how it would have come across.

[NativeGirl]

FaithHopeJoy - it's crazy how much your journey sounds like some of the stops that I have had the pleasure of visiting over the years!! Which makes me feel not so alone, so I appreciate how open you were in your response. Especially the part about his co-worker giving him the respect and reverance that your DH needed....it brought back the memory of me actually calling my hubby's co-worker and telling her to step away. Her response was that he needed a 'friend'. If I could have only done like Lynette on Desperate Housewives did - who after kicking in her husband's ex's door after the ex made moves on her husband - grabbed hold of the lady and told her "If you ever make a move on my husband again, I will do to your spine what I did to your door."

Nah in all seriousness, I am not looking for reasons to get a divorce...I am truly looking for what I need to do to save my marriage. Here's the kicker - it's not me that can do anything!

After having a few days of rough seas, my husband and I were able to have about a five minute civil conversation last night. He told me that he is tired and that he feels drained. He has a lot of stuff going on at work and when I more or less am not happy with him, then he takes on that additional stress and he just can't handle having to do it all. From my point of view, I am tired of feeling like he is disconnected and not here for his family and that I am the one providing everything for our marriage because he is too tired. Ultimately we decided together that we needed to turn to someone to help us bring some tools back into our marriage. So we ended up in Pastor's office today, who talked us through a few things. The biggest thing is that we shouldn't be trying to get rid of the symptoms (stupid fights), but should be trying to get to the heart of an issue. Which led him to asking if both of us as individuals and as a couple are allowing God into our heart and having a relationship with Him above all us. Asked also if we had turned to God as a couple and asked Him for guidance - have we prayed together, have we gotten quiet to listen, are we willing to let our willful selfs die, do we believe in God's plan for marriage ....

Then he gave us homework before asking to meet with us again next week. He asked that we pray to God for guidance first as individuals and then hopefully as a couple.

Sounds easy...but I know it's going to be harder than it sounds. My husband and I are both new Christians and although we both have our own seperate relationship with Jesus, it has never come up as being part of our marriage. Which we both know is an issue because if we don't have Him, then how can we do it? We have never prayed together and this is going to be an interesting journey...

In regards to the locker 'incident' - my hubby last night asked how I did it by myself (we are talking lockers that are eight feet tall and four feet wide) and I told him I was mad enough at him that I just flipped it on its top, put it on the dolly and then strapped it down with 'cranker' straps. He just laughed. One because he found it cute at how angry I got at him and how my stubborness really came through that night. And the other because only a woman would call tie-downs, cranker straps!

[SAM]

Praying together is more intimate than sex... it's a reason why only 4-8% of Christian couples actually pray together!

One thing that really helped my husband and I overcome the discomfort factor was using index cards. Throughout the day we'd jot down our thoughts, then share them in the evening. Guess what? It works. Then we would thank God together for getting us through the day with blessings of a home, food, work, and great kids.

Hope that's something that might work for you.