Growthtrac Community

[seeker]

Have been divorced from my wife for 5 months now due to her infidelity. I sought reconciliation but she was unrepentant and unwilling to get rid of her boyfriend. Our divorce agreement states that her boyfriend is not supposed to be in a private setting with our children. She continually ignores this rule. My lawyer has advised me that even if I prove that this is occuring that she will be found in contempt and fined or given community service and that she would not be deemed an unfit parent because of this behavior which means our custody agreement wouldn't change. My lawyer also told me that it would cost me thousands financially to go back to court and the additional money to hire an PI. She lives in the same neighborhood with her boyfriend (gated community with 24 hr guard). I have my daughers age 9 and 5 for four days a week and live in the house they grew up in.
Both of my daughers know Jesus as their savior and love attending church. We do nightly bible studies and I have continually been amazed at their spiritual growth despite what has happened in their family. My 9-year old will not talk about mom's "friend" and gets mad when my 5-year old talks about him. I do not talk bad about my wife and I just do not talk about her "friend". My oldest knows that mom left to go live somewhere else and has a pretty good grip on what has happened. Of course my youngest just thinks that he's a friend. They do not show affection in front of the girls as far as I know. I think my ex-wife would be afraid of what my oldest would do or say if they did. I could be wrong.

I have taken the approach that for 4 days a week I will live a christian life in front of them and do all I can to help them and show them a good christian walk. I have chosen not to pursue taking my wife back to court as I am a school teacher and have already spent thousands on legal fees/p.i/house mortgage, and I have to provide financial stability for my children. My children have continued to do extremely well in school and have not withdrawn socially. I, however, continue to pray the "serenity prayer" that God would show me what I can and cannot change, while trying to maintain a civil relationship as a parent with my ex-wife. Sometimes I feel as though I'm doing the right thing, other times I feel as though I'm sticking my head in the sand and ignoring some things that I know are wrong and I should pursue and try to change. I continually every day turn this situation over to God and hope that I'm doing "enough" to ensure the best possible upbringing for my children in a difficult situation.
I just wanted to know what some thought about my situation, if I was in fact doing enough.

[rdsmith3]

seeker

That is a tough situation. It sounds like you are doing the right things. Have you actually talked to your wife about this? Does she care about the well-being of the kids?

The best way to handle this is to resolve it with your wife directly.

If that is not possible, is there someone who could act as a mediator (e.g. from your church)?

I am sure you know the reasons for not allowing the children to have contact with the other man, but you might want to reinforce them with your wife, emphasizing that this is about the welfare of the kids, and not about any differences between you. Some reasons I can think of include:

- Her being with a man who is not her husband is contrary to the Christian values, ethics and morals that you are trying to teach the kids.

- Children should not be left unsupervised with this adult who is unknown to you. In the majority of cases in which children are molested, the perpetrator is a family member or friend.

- On the other hand, the kids are also harmed if they become attached to him, and he and your wife subsequently split up.

Finally, your kids are not too young for some counseling. When I separated from my first wife, my boys were 6 and 10, and I quickly got them in counseling. In particular, your 9 YO needs a safe place to talk about the divorce, other man, etc. She may feel that she cannot discuss it with you.

I pray that the Lord will give you wisdom in handling this situation, and that He will touch your ex-wife's heart and conscience and lead her to do what is best for the children. I also pray for continued spiritual growth of the kids, and that they will turn towards Him for comfort in times of trouble and not run from Him.

[seeker]

Thanks for the kind words of advice. Your right about the concern of what she is teaching the girls about christian values. My wife won't talk with me about anything concerning the Lord since our break up. She did leave my youngest with him one time and we talked, but she refused to admit that it was a mistake. She thinks that everything is still about my feelings toward our break up. He has never been married or had kids of his own. It is a tough situation not being able to reason with the mother of your children about values. Thanks again for the advice.

[misti]

I totally feel your pain I just got into it this week with my seperated husband because he took our one year old and two year old daughters around his friend the one weekend I let him have them. I have been trying to explain to him that they can't understand all the emotional stuff that comes with this and he doesn't get it.

[DLW52]

Seeker:

I feel your pain. You are doing the right thing, eventhough at times it hurts to do so. Believe me in the long run your kids will thank you for maintaining the christian values in your home, that will shape them and follow them into adulthood when they are on their own.
I too have joint custody of my son and I can tell you children, when exposed to Christ and a church environment early, tend to be happier children. When they see you exhibiting those christian values they gravitate more toward you and away from what its contrary in the "other" home.
I was separated almost a year before my divorce was finalized and now Im in the 8th month of my divorce, Im in no hurry to introduce my son to someone new. What matter most is the growing relationship with my son and his relationship with GOD.
Do you have any people you can talk to or just "vent" when feeling frustrated ? I have a couple christian couples who have really been good listeners to me when needing to vent or to give me encouragement to deal.

[seeker]

I do have some good friends to talk with. 2 of whom have been through similar situations. For some reason it really gives a lot of comfort when talking to someone who's been through it. Especially regarding the fact that someone that you've known for so long has basically become a stranger.

[dmkmbp]

Hi...I just saw your post, and I would love to respond to it. My head is filled with so many things that I could tell you! I had three children at the time of my divorce...14,9, and 1. That was was 13 years ago now. It is a tough situation, and there are not easy answers. I have been remarried for almost 7 years... my husband has one son, and my last child is still living with us.
Mine is a long story, and not one that I am proud of. I do not have time to share it all now, but if you are interested in hearing, let me know. I feel like I have a lot of wisdom to share...so that maybe you won't make the same mistakes I, and many others have in the same place. What you need to think about, is what is best for the kids. Putting your emotions, and feelings about what has happened, and what is happeining, last. It is so easy to say, but I know from experience, it is VERY diffacult to do!
I appologize for the disorder of this response...but there are so many things going through my head, and I don't have time to put them all down now! I work for my husband, and he is a tax accountant, and we have one day left (YEA), to get everything finished!!

[rdsmith3]

dmkmbp

I would be interested in hearing your advice and your story. You can file an extension on it and tell us later on, when things settle down at work.

[seeker]

Would love to hear your story

[misti]

I would love to hear advice from people who have been through this. My husband hasn't seen our two girls in over amonth and it makes me so sad. My girls miss their dad and he is missing out on so much of thier lives right now.

[rdsmith3]

I would love to hear advice from people who have been through this. My husband hasn't seen our two girls in over amonth and it makes me so sad. My girls miss their dad and he is missing out on so much of thier lives right now.

Misti,

Is there some other male figure that could help you, such as a grandfather?

Whatever you do, try not to badmouth him in front of the kids. They will figure out what is going on, even if it is 10 years from now.

[misti]

I don't i just tell them he is at work when they ask about him. yea they have some good uncles and my dad is really good about spending time with them.

[SAM]

The greatest damage that occurs to children is when a parent becomes "me-focused" after a divorce. The emotional and relational needs of the child are more important to bring them a sense of security and stability. When their parent brings another boyfriend or girlfriend into the picture it turns their worlds upside down. The worst thing a divorced parent can do to their children is "bring around" multiple boyfriends or girlfriends for them to meet, or even bring a serious friend over to spend the night.

If a divorced parent is "lonely" it's understandable. However, unless a relationship is extremely serious and headed toward marriage, the kids don't get to meet "love interests". Kids emotionally connect to people in their lives at a different level than adults, and if a relationship does not work out, you have ripped someone they care about out of their lives again.

[ladyt]

Its so sad when a parent turns into "its all about me". I feel your pain. My ex constantly shares information with our already rebellious teen. I try to keep him informed about her, however he tells her I am constantly calling and texting him and she throws that in my face. She says I divorced her dad but constantly tries to communicate with him. He's not telling her its about her but leading her to think I am after him. I told him he was selfish and he told me if I know that, why don't I leave him alone. Well I have decided to do just that.

[km]

ladyt - Good to see a message from you! I hope you're doing as well as possible.