Growthtrac Community

[SAM]

We have each challenged him on this, and it has had the effect of pushing him 'underground' (changing #r, increasing levels of security, keeping things under lock and key, paperless billing for his phone) and distancing himself from his mentor, as well as from me.

This is bothersome in that it shows that true repentence has not taken place. Deceit, a desire to hide, is still evident. To rebuild your trust... the book needs to be completely open. This means you have access to #r, security levels, nothing is kept under lock and key, and no more paperless billing for his phone. It means coming clean. If he had nothing to hide, he would not be going to such enormous steps to cover his tracks.

It has nothing to do with being a spy, law enforcer, or his mother. It has everything to do with complete openness, honesty, and the rebuilding of trust.

He continues to be in email and cell phone contact with the OW 'as a friend'.

It is difficult to understand how this would be acceptable. Everything written on this subject states ALL contact must end.

I wonder if I am unintentionally 'enabling' the deceit?

I think that is something to contemplate.

[FaithHopeJoy]

It is difficult to understand how this would be acceptable.

SAM - I agree totally. My H's current stance is NOT acceptable, but I am powerless to change him (you've said this yourself). I have suggested that we might look for couples' counseling, and he said he would explore possibilities - but when I asked him today if he had found a suitable Christian counselor, he said he hadn't. I don't think he has searched very hard. Nor am I sure if he is really committed to participating.

I am at a loss to know how to move forward in our marital relationship. I recall you have also said in the past that if we're not moving forwards, we're sliding backwards, but I am focusing on my personal relationship with God and keeping as 'spiritually fit' as I can.

What else would you suggest?

FHJ

[SAM]

The desire to "change' somone is different than accepting disrespectful behavior.

It's okay to say to him, "It is difficult for your trust to be rebuilt when deception still exits and things are hidden."
It's okay to say to him, "That you feel it is time to seek out a counselor, as you do not wish to live without physical intimacy."
It's okay to say to him, "If he is unwilling, then you will be making an appointment with the counselor."

It's not okay to let things stay the way they are. It is okay to push the envelope.
However, something is sticking with me, that I have prayed about for awhile - so here goes.

Are you afraid to push the envelope, for fear that this will force him back into her arms?

[FaithHopeJoy]

Are you afraid to push the envelope, for fear that this will force him back into her arms?

SAM, dear sister in Christ - you read me like a book. That is my deepest fear. Soon after I found about his infidelity, I asked him whether he loved her. He said he had asked her to run away with him twice. She had apparently said it wouldn't be right!!!!!!! May God richly bless her for seeing the flaw in his invitation. Remember, this is the unmarried daughter of his mentor/boss.

She is a couple of years younger than me - but she only moved out of her parents' home when she was in her early 40s. Within 3 months of getting her own place, my H was visiting her to 'help her settle in'. She was entertaining (!) my H at her place. If I was working out of town, they were cooking dinner together. I can see this is soooooo wrong. Why can't he see it? Perhaps because he doesn't want to admit it? He maintains to this day that they have kissed and cuddled but never had sex. He cannot understand why I feel so seriously betrayed by this - especially when he has professed his love for her in emails which he knows I have seen. I feel worse about the depth of this connection than I would if he had gone all the way with a one night stand. Does that sound crazy?

[SAM]

Only you can decide if you want to continue living with this fear. Can you trust God for the outcome if you push the envelope? I can assure you, it is not God who wants to keep you in this holding pattern of fear. His desire is to set you free.

Move forward with counseling on your own. Make the appointment, then pray that he will join you.

[FaithHopeJoy]

SAM, you challenged me to say

Can you trust God for the outcome if you push the envelope?

I have no doubt that I can totally trust God, but I'm less clear about whether God wants/needs me to push the envelope! You also reminded me that:

His (God's) desire is to set you free.

I would value your continuing prayers that my H and I can BOTH be free of the negative influences on our marriage, including the long shadow of the OW.
FHJ

[SAM]

Continuing prayers are the easy part, and I consider it a privilege to pray for you and your marriage.

You have the hard work of navigating this with your husband.

[resecured]

Dearest FHJ,

Mercy, dear sister. My heart aches for you. I also understand your fears. The stepping out on faith is sometimes the hardest thing to do. It seems that the OW needs to be dealt with somehow. Until she is totally out of the picture, she will have a bad influence on your marriage. Your husband needs to understand that they cannot simply "just be friends". I'm trying to wrap my head around the fact that he says he is trying to work on your marriage and yet it seems quite the opposite. He most likely does not want counseling because it would point out very strongly his faults, her faults, and that he cannot blame you for his failures anymore. It would shine God's light on everything. I would so strongly suggest to him that this must be done.

No, you are not crazy. Of course, you are upset about this connection between them. It's so hard to understand how he can be so misguided when God is so straight forward with His meanings on this subject. I cannot understand how he doesn't see it for what it is. Especially since he should know what the Bible says about any and all that he has done. An emotional affair is adultery too. It hurts me still to think that my h. sought after his last OW (was physical) even after she wanted no more to do with him. He told her he loved her, called her when he was back home with me to see how she was, drove by her house about a year later. This after a 3 week courtship. He does now see and is ashamed of what he did. I just can't believe what a strong hold she had on him. I do know that there is no way we could have ever worked on our marriage if she was still even a small factor in his mind.

I pray that God will open his eyes to the truth. May God also continue to give you the strength you need. It's hard I know to confront for fear that it will push your husband further away. I just know that if it was me, I'd have to get to the point that I had peace, somehow, someway. You have a right to demand respect as his wife. I pray also that God will open your eyes as to what you need to do. It's not right that you are being treated in such a fashion. You are a remarkable woman. You are so much stronger than I am. I couldn't handle his having contact with the OW. I would have to put my foot down and forced him to take action one way or another.

Know that you and your husband are being prayed for very much. I cannot even being to imagine how distressed you must be feeling. I will pray that you receive His peace, too.

-RJ-

[FaithHopeJoy]

Thank you for your prayers. At times like these, I truly feel close to my Growthtrac family.

RJ - your latest post touched me deeply. I'd like to share this with you, from my QT today. I know without doubt that it's God's desire for our marriage (and many others!) It is the Amplified Bible version of Philippians 2:2

Fill up and complete my joy by living in harmony and being of the same mind and one in purpose, having the same love, being in full accord and of one harmonious mind and intention.

That gives me His peace, as you prayed it would.

SAM - I have upheld you in prayer today as you prepare for your counseling studies. We know from your dedication to serving your brothers and sisters and your witness through Growthtrac that God has definitely gifted you with the resources and talents to make the very best of this opportunity.

FHJ

[charity1]

FHJ,
I am so sorry that you are still dealing with this kind of betrayal. I know that because your husband is a missionary you want to believe he is above adultery, but the fact is, he isn't "forsaking all others" as he promised to do, and that is adultery whether it's emotional, physical or both. As I have stated before, there is no room for a third person in a marriage. There is no way he can be fully committed to you, if he is still talking to her. You know from my posts on this forum that I am anti-divorce, but I am not anti-pushing the envelope. Think about the marriage vows you both made. You have every right to expect him to uphold his end of the covenant. I know you are afraid of what others will think when you seemingly have the perfect marriage, but it isn't about others, it is about you two and both your relationships to God. I think you hit the nail on the head when you said you were afraid you might be enabling him. You are definitely enabling him to have a wife and a girlfriend, and there is no way God intended that for your marriage. You are also enabling him to live a double life when he should be fully committed to both God and you. I know you are afraid he might pick the OW over you if you push him, but I strongly doubt that. A friend of mine was telling me that she read that in an affair, the spouse normally fulfills about 80% of the cheater's needs, and the affair partner fulfills about 20%. That is why if a cheater leaves the spouse for the other person, it very rarely works out. 20% just isn't enough to base a relationship on. Your husband needs to tell you what that 20% is that he is getting from the OW. No doubt he has told her what he feels is wrong with your marriage, but he needs to be telling you so that you can deal with it. It either needs to be fixed, or it is a misconception on his part that could easily be cleared up if he would just talk to you about it. That is what my husband and I found out. That is where counseling could really help if he isn't willing to do that on his own. If he had some other type of addiction like drugs or alcohol that could further hamper his ability to reason, I might be more worried that he might pick the OW, but he knows right from wrong. Right now nobody knows there is anything wrong but you, him, the OW and the OW's father (if I'm remembering your posts correctly). His sin is in the dark. If you and he split up, everybody would know what he was doing. He doesn't want that. Being exposed to the light, takes all the fun out of an affair. The challenge to keep everything a secret and to get by with the forbidden is what keeps the excitement going. If he was free to be with the OW any time he wanted to in public, it wouldn't be fun anymore. It would just be a run of the mill relationship, plus everybody would know he dumped his loving wife for another woman. He wouldn't be the respected missionary anymore. Only you can make the decision as to whether you want to force anything or not, but just remember fear doesn't come from God. You can rest assured God is on your side in this matter. He wants your marriage to thrive, but it can't with another woman in the picture. Standing up to my husband was the hardest thing I've ever done. I was scared to death, but I decided I could live alone much easier than I could handle being lied to and betrayed on a daily basis. I forced my husband off the fence, and I am so glad I did. I am praying for you.

[SAM]

Thanks FHJ for your prayers.
I am both excited and a bit nervous at the same time.
I've been told to expect 12-18 hours of homework a week.

[j3anjean]

Mercy, FHJ! I am praying for you, too. I agree with Charity on this one. The fence is a dangerous place to be. In marriage as well as in our relationship with God we have to make choices.

Revelations 3:16 So, because you are lukewarm—neither hot nor cold—I am about to spit you out of my mouth.

You may have to ask yourself is you are allowing him to stay lukewarm.

I do recall at one point when my husband was on the fence. This was during a past affair. He was going to marriage counseling with me. We still were not living together but were trying to fix things. He was continuing to talk to the OW daily by phone. She had moved out but he wanted to be sure that if our marriage wasn't fixable he would still have her waiting for him. He just didn't want to burn any of his bridges. There came a point when I had to put my foot down. He had to make a choice.I knew that might mean she was his choice but God did not want this situation for my life. I remember that he sent me a text msg saying that he had done it. The fence had broken and he was looking at the clear blue sky wandering where to go from here. He asked me if I was happy he was off the fence and I told him that depended on who's pasture he was in.

FHJ. You are a beautiful, faithful, blessed woman. God knows your fears and your struggles and wants you to lean on Him. I fear you may be confusing forgiveness and grace with acceptance. God takes us as we are but he rejects our sin. I am lifting you up in prayer today...

I'm not sure where I read it. I think it was in an email devotional I read recently.

Sin's cellmate is secrecy

If the secret is protecting the sin it may be time that someone lets some light in.

[jmwc95]

The question is what can you do to stop him?

A couple things.

The single biggest tool for getting a wayward spouse to end their affair is exposure. Bring his affair to light to anyone and everyone that would be in the position to pressure him to end his affair. This includes family, friends, church leaders, etc. You also need to expose the other woman to her family, friends, etc. as well. Affairs thrive in secrecy and opening them up to the light of day is the best plan of attack. Society will tell you not to air your dirty laundry, but society has a 50% divorce rate. Exposure kills affairs. It ruins the fantasy aspect of the affair and exposes the adulterers to real world consequences. In the meantime, keep trying to meet your husband's emotional needs for a period of 6 to 12 weeks.

If that does not work, then Dr. Harley (a leading psychologist in the field of infidelity), recommends plan B. This involves cutting off all contact with your spouse until they agree to a list of your boundaries and conditions. This may include no contact w/ the OW for life, access to all phone and computer accounts including #r, no opposite sex relationships, etc. If you have kids or your husband refuses to move out and you don't belive in divorce, then I would recommend a legal separation. This way your husband is exposed to the consequences of his actions: loss of the marital home, inability to see his children on a regular basis, child support and alimony deducted from his paycheck. He also no longer has you to meet some of his emotional needs, and the other woman has the burden of meeting them all. This is when there is trouble in paradise for the lovers, and the affair usually ends. Most affairs die a natural death within 2 years. The wayward spouse will usually agree to the conditions of the betrayed spouse, and then the betrayed spouse can allow the wayward spouse home under the plan B letter conditions.

This may sound harsh and drastic, but it is tough love.