Growthtrac Community

[rubi5]

Our directv bill came in rather high & I called. I was told adult movies had been ordered by phone. Of course I argued that nobody in our house watched porn, my children are under three and neither my husband or I would-I thought. They told me how to pull up the history of purchases made and there they were-I checked the dates and they were times when I wasn't in the house but my children & my husband were.

I took this before my husband and even with the evidence in front of him he denied, denied, denied. Saying that he would call because there was some mistake. That he would never do that, especially while the children were solely under his care. I told him that I needed to hear the truth from him, that I knew that when he didn't want to look bad he lies.

I had prayed all day and the Lord told me to wait for the truth. It didn't come that day, but the following evening he admitted it, that he had watched them "out of curiosity" and that was it. That he wouldn't do it again but he said that pornography wasn't his real problem that lying was.

That he has lied about everything in his life, he's lied to his parents, friends, teachers and to me about everything-big or small. He told me instances of when he's lied and he has torn down everything that I knew as stability in my life.
I don't know if he lied to cover up the pornography or if he's telling the truth. I lost all trust in him. I don't respect him as before, I don't want him near me. I feel I am married to a stranger. I continue to think that our life has been based on lies.
He said he would change, and I asked him to get help but he recently also admitted he no longer believes in God and he doesn't want to go to a counselor.

I don't know how to approach either the lying or the pornography, which is the real issue? Did he say he was a habitual liar to deflect the real issue-porn?

God bless you,

[rdsmith3]

It's hard to know what to believe, isn't it? The most troubling thing he said is not the lying or the pornography, but that he does not believe in God. Of course, you can't even be sure about that. Perhaps he feels such shame that he cannot even face God.

I don't have experience with porn addiction, but I do have experience with a lying spouse. If it is a life-long, ingrained habit it will be difficult for him to change on his own. He really needs some help. I suggest that it might work better if you have a male friend or pastor talk to him and encourage him to get counseling. However, if he does not have a relationship with the Lord, and if he is resisting change, then your only option at this point is prayer. You should also set some ground rules for the house. For example, can you set it up so that porn channels are blocked, or you need a PIN to access anything worse than an R rating? Our cable box is like that.

I will pray for you and your family.

[SAM]

He said he would change.

Ask him -
When you admitted to being a chronic liar since you were young, how will that behavior change without the help of a professional? How will I be able to know what is the truth or a lie? How will be be able to restore the trust in our marriage?

The number one reason for lying is fear. In order to change, he will need to discover what has been the underlying factor for this fear. As a child, it could have started out because he perceived he would be punished. It may have become habitual if that fear became real because of physical abuse in the home. Also, people lie because they feel if they tell the truth they won't get what they want - which is a form of control.

We also tell what we perceive to be "white lies" to:

1) Avoid hurting the other person's feelings
2) Cover up our own embarrassments
3) To reassure the needlessly anxious
4) To spare unnecessary headaches

I asked him to get help but he recently also admitted he no longer believes in God and he doesn't want to go to a counselor.

My experience with my husband has been, if I go into counseling trying to "fix" him instead of working to "fix" our relationship, then it simply will not work. Ask him to go with you so you can make your marriage stronger and rebuild the trust that has been lost. If he still refuses, then please go on your own so you can work through the pain you are experiencing right now.

We all have secrets/sinful behavior that we try to hide - even from our spouses. My guess is the porn has been ongoing. If he was curious, it would have been 1 movie - not multiple movies. He's just been found out. And, he's trying not to hurt your feelings any further than he has already.

Most troubling is saying he doesn't believe in God but it's more likely he's been trying to hide this from Him for a long time, and since God hasn't gotten him out of this mess, he's saying He doesn't exist.

As hard as it is, pray for your husband. Lift him up into God's hands. You can do nothing to fix this - but God can.

Lord, I lift this sister up to you and her marriage. You are the great restorer and healer. You are the revealer of truth. You bring darkness into the light. Help this marriage and this man. Reveal yourself to him so he knows without a doubt you are still there for him. Give her peace, patience and wisdom to weather this storm. She may feel her whole world is tossing and turning right now, but you can calm the storm. I ask that you remove her anxiety and help her to trust you - moment by moment, minute by minute and day by day.

[resecured]

(((((rubi5)))))

Isn't it unreal how even faced with the evidence they still lie? When I read your post it was like reading my own for the most part. I remember a time when I was pregnant with my first chlld and we rec'd our credit card bill. On it was a strange purchase, so I called the billing company. It turns out that my husband had called one of those phone sex companies. The infamous 900 #'s. I called the # and actually talked to the very "person?" that he had a "conversation" with. I told her many things, one being that I wondered how God felt about what she was doing for a living then I hung up. I called him at work and exploded on him. Of course, he became very repentant and promised never again. That was 26 years ago, and now I, like you, have had the foundation of my marriage ripped out from underneath me. I wish we had gone to counseling way back when this reared it's ugly head. Trouble is most of his misdeeds (being physical with several OW) had already happened before I became pregnant. He then resorted to porn on the internet and adult porn houses off and on until Aug. 06 when I had evidence of his unfaithfulness in the form on a STD. I understand fully all the feelings you have described here. The loss of trust, not respecting him, the feeling of him being a stranger to you now. He was, I thought, my best friend, my protector, my security. Knowing that I slept beside this man, had a life with this man, knowing that I really did not know him and what had been/was going on right under my nose is scary.

One thing I've learned is that we cannot simply sweep it all under the rug. You have every right to confront him about this. Put boundaries up that show him you mean business. It's not just him that this is affecting. It's you and your children too. One of the hardest things I've had to deal with in my situation is the dividing of my feelings. One side I want to see my husband get this issue out of his life once and for all, the other side is my needing to heal myself. As devastated as I am with all this, I find it hard to just quit being his wife. He doesn't deserve me as his wife. I just know that God wants me here.

Rubi5, keep praying for him. Right now that is your only weapon against satan. Keep talking to your husband though. Arm yourself with knowledge through reading the Word and books that are out there. Get on the Growthtrac home page for resources. There are many people on this site alone that will help with any info. you may need. Just ask!

Remember you are not alone in this. That, in and of itself, was such a comfort to me. I know I will not be the only one praying for you and your husband.

God bless you and your family,

RJ

[usndadof8]

[quote="rubi5"]Our directv bill came in rather high & I called. I was told adult movies had been ordered by phone. Of course I argued that nobody in our house watched porn, my children are under three and neither my husband or I would-I thought. They told me how to pull up the history of purchases made and there they were-I checked the dates and they were times when I wasn't in the house but my children & my husband were.

I took this before my husband and even with the evidence in front of him he denied, denied, denied. Saying that he would call because there was some mistake. That he would never do that, especially while the children were solely under his care. I told him that I needed to hear the truth from him, that I knew that when he didn't want to look bad he lies.

I had prayed all day and the Lord told me to wait for the truth. It didn't come that day, but the following evening he admitted it, that he had watched them "out of curiosity" and that was it. That he wouldn't do it again but he said that pornography wasn't his real problem that lying was.

That he has lied about everything in his life, he's lied to his parents, friends, teachers and to me about everything-big or small. He told me instances of when he's lied and he has torn down everything that I knew as stability in my life.
I don't know if he lied to cover up the pornography or if he's telling the truth. I lost all trust in him. I don't respect him as before, I don't want him near me. I feel I am married to a stranger. I continue to think that our life has been based on lies.
He said he would change, and I asked him to get help but he recently also admitted he no longer believes in God and he doesn't want to go to a counselor.

I don't know how to approach either the lying or the pornography, which is the real issue? Did he say he was a habitual liar to deflect the real issue-porn?

God bless you,[/quote]

Coming from a man and someone who used to sneak porn all the time before the Lord freed me of it, the main problem I see from what you said is lying. Trouble is, he was also lying when he said he did it out of curiosity. I'm surprised he was able to keep a straight face on.

Like most other men I am stubborn. The only thing that would make me change was an ultimatum and the REAL threat of losing everything I cared for. It served to put everything I was doing, including the OW in proper persepective.

A little tough love is in order. If not for that my life would be in shambles right now. God bless the day my wife gave me tough love, it saved my life, probably literally so.

Before you do though, I would recommend you pray for some insight on when and how to deliver it.

[km]

One of the things you need to tread carefully about here is trampling him for instances of his confessing truths.

He confessed the porn problem - and now the marriage is maybe over? Do you think that fear might be a big part of why he would feel a need to lie about a porn problem? When one inflicts catastrophic punishment on a person who confesses a problem, one creates a situation where the people will not confess or seek help for problems.

What he did is VERY TYPICAL of people with a porn/sexual compulsion problem. It is a "dirty secret" that can't be let out without horrible consequences, so the lying structure has to be built around it.

Think of his situation here. He likely has a porn problem. He has likely had it since he was about 12 to 15 years old. He has felt compelled to both seek the porn fix and to hide the need at all costs for how many years? If the reaction to the problem coming out is rejection and condemnation, then the only message that gets sent is that he has to minimize the problem, make it look like it is fixed as soon as possible and to never get caught again - but the compulsion will remain and will probably get worse.

This is a real crossroads in his life. Are you going to do what you can to really help him (understanding that there is some ugly stuff lurking in his psyche - just like 90+ % of other men) or are you going to push his head under the water while he is floundering?

[charity1]

Well said, km. That is something we were taught in our marriage class. If we want our spouse to be honest with us, we have to give them a safe environment in which to be honest. If a person is fearful of the consequences, they aren't likely to open up and seek help. I think that is why affairs go on so long most of the time. There is no easy way out. We have to be willing to accept the truth and then be willing to deal with the truth in order for things to get better. We can't attack or blame our spouse or they will shut down and withdraw from us. It is very important for a married couple to work together on finding a solution. All of us have weaknesses, it is just that some are much more destructive than others.

[wifeandmother]

Rubi, I have been in your shoes. My husband is an addict to both. My whole marriage was a lie. I have locked the TV (parently controled it with #r) my husband doesn't have the *. Also locked him out of the computer. AT work he has a porn lock that we pay monthly for-sucks to no end. If he is saying he doesn't want counseling, he doesn't want you. Mine was given a choice of the door or counseling. He chose counseling but it isn't a easy task. It has been 3 years since this all came out and the ups and downs are horendous...God WILL help you get through them but I have to tell you it isn't easy. HUGS!!!
I'll be praying for you!!!!