Growthtrac Community

[rdsmith3]

Sorry, DLW52, but I am finding it very hard to be charitable towards this guy. I realize that I am assessing him based on just one e-mail, and that is dangerous to do. I owe it to him to give him the benefit of the doubt, and also to hear his side of the story. However, with that disclaimer, I think this guy is a complete narcissist (is that spelled correctly?) who is completely avoiding any accountability for his part in the destruction of a marriage, and who has the temerity to use God's word to somehow support his un-Biblical behavior.

Let's look at what he is really saying in one paragraph

And there's really no sense in holding up each others lives with an old problem which does not change in this of a new year.

Translation: I do not feel like working on the marriage and want to get on with my life.

Let me say this in parting however, that despite the outcome of this relationship I hold no ill will or malice towards you at all.

Translation: Aren't I a great guy for not being angry at you for my failure to honor the marriage vows?

Nor for that matter should you towards me.

Translation: I am telling you what your feelings should be -- you should not be angry.

From the very beginning to the present day time there have been steep uphill challenges that have drained the both of us spiritually, emotionally and mentally.

That's probably an honest statement.

That coupled with the large gaps of separation from each other have taken a significant toll.

Translation: I am not taking responsibility for my role in causing the separation, and my role in not trying to resolve it.

And even though it does not remain impossible to move past all of this, I really don't believe either of us wants to undergo the stress and toil of the transition again.

Translation: Again, I do not feel like working on the marriage and want to get on with my life.

It's a shame we never got to experience more post marital counseling.

Translation: I am not taking responsibility for my role in not seeking counseling.

It might have made a difference. You are actually a very beautiful spirited woman (inside and out) who unfortunately is misunderstood by most people. Myself included perhaps in that majority.

Translation: I cannot figure you out, and I don't want to exert the effort to try to do so.

[DLW52]

RDSmith:
Great Post. Loved the breakdown of key statements in his long letter. I happen to agree with 100% of what you stated. I was merely giving him kudos for not continuing stringing his wife along (like so many men do when afraid to let go) and in a around about way saying he wanted a divorce. Too many times men will wait until they have gotten into another relationship before actually following through with divorcing the wife.

The letter loses credibility with me because as all of us agree there is no hint of "I apologize for.....", "I blame myself for....", "Will you forgive me for.....", etc. By no means does this guy get a free pass.

[manicurist]

I see some "serious thought" only to the extent that it is hard work to maintain such a totally unGodly position while trying to make it look Biblical. It is the same level of disingenuous thought that goes into advertising bad products so as to create an illusion of quality (e.g. disgustingly greasy Wendy's burgers become "hot and juicy" in the ad campaign).

Covering up the massive cognitive dissonance on display here has to be a massive undertaking for this beknightedly delusional guy.

I totally agree with this point....

Not only that, but just to add another truth, he didn't communicate with me during the holiday because he spent that time with one or more of the women that he started relationships with during the initial year we separated without contact.

When I first agreed to reconcile with him, We agreed that I would allow him to come and get me to move back to where we lived together in N.C. He gave me a warning of sorts, telling me to expect to perhaps "run into" these women, one of which he tried to" break it off" with in order to reconcile with me, who wouldn't take no for an answer, supposedly. I have a gut feeling that he was with someone during the holidays that I didn't hear from him. Out of all the lies to tell as to why he made no effort to come to Michigan, he claimed to be depressed about not being able to make the trip and didn't communicate.

Such a crock!!

Surprisingly enough, two days after I received that wonderful e-mail, he left a voice-mail stating that he now has vacation time and the resources now to make the trip. He stated that he "needed" to speak with me face to face and be in my presence.....now after he has gotten a belly full of sin. I know he has committed adultery. I will not put my life in danger by sleeping with him. I see Satan setting him up for major destruction and wants to destroy him.

He shared with me numerous times that it had been prophesied to him many times throughout the years that he was not to ever live as a single man, but that he should honor GOD by only indulging in sex within the confines of a marriage to a Christian woman. Yet he forsakes me for the "single lifestyle" that he slipped up and told my brother that he had been living since we had been separated.

[SAM]

Manicurist -

I want you to know that I deleted your last post with all of the e-mails. I am concerned because they mentioned other parties and are very personal in nature. They should no longer be shared in this forum.

In the past, current or ex-spouses have found posts on this board, and have been very upset. Legal action has been threatened if the posts were not removed. It is important for us to keep their privacy, not mention actual names, or bring in the names of other individuals.

Your husband is clearly in the wrong, and very far from God. I believe that has been confirmed for you by the posts of other members. I am sure your anger is justified, but in that anger... be careful not to sin, by seeking revenge. Revenge takes on many forms, flavors, and colors.

[manicurist]

SAM

The other parties mentioned are my brother and his wife, as the two of them counsel many using their testimony. They would have no problem with how I have chosen to deal with the issue of this grievous situation. I didn't think about the point that you made, but it is a very good one. I in no way want to be out of order after all I that have been through in the last two years. I cannot afford to sow anything other than love and righteousness.

I understand why you deleted them and that is perfectly fine with me. I posted them because someone mentioned only having the one letter to judge him by. I hadn't read them in a while, so I forgot the intricate details. I in no way meant to be ugly, just get more feedback. But, as you also stated, I have received plenty of wonderful interjections that have agreed with what I conclude within myself. He would never be on this site. Doing that would indicate that he would be looking for help and a way of escape. Nevertheless, in the wild event that he did, he would feel violated, and I wouldn't want that! It wasn't my intent.

I can say that my stupid decision to marry such a person and my taking responsibility for doing so keeps me from being angry, with him anyway. I am very disappointed and hurt by the lies, cheating, neglect, and lack of financial support, but because I am who GOD has made me to be, I have no desire to render any vengeance whatsoever. I love him unconditionally and have only prayed that GOD somehow save him from himself.

My Pastor, my brother, and a co-worker all told me to stop reaching out and supporting him. They all agreed that I have given too much, while he hasn't ever given anything. My Pastor said that any and all love given would cause him to think more highly of himself than he ought. He went on to say that I should be still and allow GOD to move on him. And, that he should pursue me being that he never did anything in that regard after the proposal.

I am tired and grieved about being one with someone living as he is....so ungodly. If he doesn't file the papers soon, I am gonna file and move on. I am acquiring more patience and trust in GOD during my wait on HIM to move by HIS SPIRIT. I will continue to pray and ask GOD to make me in this very hard place. I may as well do some changing for the batter while I am in this hard place. I am thankful that it won't last forever. I pray that HE can take my mistake and the rest of my life and do something (anything) with it.

I appreciate all of you a great deal and I thank you for taking the time to minister what you all were led to.

[SAM]

I in no way meant to be ugly, just get more feedback.

I fully understand. Just wanted you to search your heart and be cautious. In our hurt, at times, we do things that aren't always wise. It doesn't mean it is deliberate revenge, but there can be a tinge of doing something that makes you feel good... deep down knowing it wasn't the best decision.

God will judge him... We've all made assumptions here on the boards about someone we don't really know. Including myself. It's our best way to offer marriage advice, in a format where we only know one side of the story. So, we send off notes with our best guesses on what might be going on behind the scenes. Or after a time of prayer, sharing what God feels we should lay out there for contemplation. We can see from what you have stated, and shown us, that he is a very hurting and misdirected soul who appears to be far from God, and has lost his way. He has been swayed by the things of this world. All we can do is pray for him. I want to encourage you to continue to pray for him... as we are called to pray for our enemies.

I believe he has opened a door, and so has God, to release you from this marriage. Your husband has abandoned you. There should be no guilt, or remorse, if you file for divorce. As I think you may have said before, you have been waiting on him to file. It doesn't appear that he will do so. It is a way for him to justify himself, and to say, "I never filed, she did." In that way, he can take the high road of righteousness...

I would encourage you to spend some time with a counselor, or in a divorce recovery support group. Work through the hurts you have experienced, and understand the choices you have made. You want to take care of these things, and understand them, so you do not bring them into a new relationship down the road. And, to understand the warning signals and see them clearly in a man, so you turn away quickly when they rear their head in someone you choose to date. In this manner, you then end the relationship quickly, rather than hoping marriage will change the man.

I wish you well, dear sister, as you rebuild your life. You know your answer now.

[DLW52]

I am tired and grieved about being one with someone living as he is....so ungodly. If he doesn't file the papers soon, I am gonna file and move on. I am acquiring more patience and trust in GOD during my wait on HIM to move by HIS SPIRIT. I will continue to pray and ask GOD to make me in this very hard place. I may as well do some changing for the batter while I am in this hard place. I am thankful that it won't last forever. I pray that HE can take my mistake and the rest of my life and do something (anything) with it.

I appreciate all of you a great deal and I thank you for taking the time to minister what you all were led to.

Manicurist:

Dont bother to wait on him to file. As soon as you can go file. Hopefully, this will be a smooth process that doesnt get drawn out. Once it is finalized or close to being finalized, seek immediate divorce recovery counseling. It really works, I can testify to that. GOD will bless you with a man who deserves the kind of love your soon to be ex took for granted. In turn you will be loved the way your desire.

[manicurist]

You are right and I receive it all.

I receive what the two of you wrote. I will continue to pray and grow in the Grace and Knowledge of my LORD and Savior JESUS CHRIST. As I stated before, the reason for posting the other letters was to let more of his perspective be heard, being that he isn't here to speak for himself, as well as get clarity of what was obviously confusing to me. I can see how that could be overkill.

GOD does purify even our motives for doing things. As HE reveals any and all wicked intent in my heart I repent to GOD and all. Through all of this I DO need HIM to create in me a CLEAN heart and renew within me a RIGHT spirit! Amen.....

I also have begun a search for a support group for divorced and separated Christians to work through the failure and to deal with what led to such a choice that landed me there.

Thank you both for the words of wisdom and wise counsel. May the LORD Bless you and your families RICHLY for Blessing me! Even to a thousand fold.

Whew...