Growthtrac Community

[manicurist]

Hello Everyone,
I wrote "Should I stay or go?" last year and asked for your advice. I received a lots of very wise counsel and support from many of you and it blessed me tremendously. Thank you. ; >

Please read that entry to get the history of my marriage and then connect that with this entry. Someone suggested to me then that I contact him and ask what his intention was concerning our marriage. As I pondered that thought for months, finally the LORD lead me to ask my brother to call and simply make contact, as we are in two different states. My husband and I had been separated 1 year and 2 weeks at that point without any contact whatsoever. Days after my brother spoke with him we began to communicate again. After about a week of catching up, he informed me that he decided to file for divorce, to which I replied, ok. Three days later he texted he and asked me to call him because he had a change of heart and wanted to reconcile. I agreed because I felt I owed it to the vows that I made to GOD to give it a try.

From October 2008 thru January 2009 he would tell me he was going to visit me during each holiday and never made any of them. His communication with me slowed during the days prior and following each holiday. I was lead not to contact him either, and wait for him to make a decision and the head of the union, as I had made my position clear verbally, thru e-mails, cards, and text messages during our interaction. I thought he needed to show me what he had been blabbing about for thr three months. After not hearing from him for over a week during New Years, this is the a-mail I received from him ( copied and pasted):

Hello and Happy New Year to you Vanessa. One truism in life is that the culmination of anything, causes you to reflect upon that which has ended. As such the ushering in of 2009 has definitely caused me to look back upon the year of 2008. A time to deeply ponder all the HAPPENINGS that have transpired along with the emotions and feelings of such happenings. The highs the lows, the disappointments, the good, the bad, the fair, the unfair the amicable agreements as well as the respective negative indifference. All these things cause reflections for any particular individual. It's indeed a critical time to review all that was and ALL which was not. That which you have done from where you have been and all that which still remains to where you are going.


However, as important as it is to look back and reflect on what once was, we must never ever lose sight on the importance of what is now and what will be. Reflection should only serve as an ongoing cognizance towards what shapes and defines that which is HAPPENING NOW. ALL FOR THE PURPOSE and effort to pave the way for a certain goal or objective. In doing so one must release any all hindrances towards obtaining that desired goal for the future. Or to put it in a more biblical perspective, I'll reference Hebrews 12 verse 1b." lay aside every weight, and the sin which doth so easily beset us, and let us run with patience the race that is set before us"..


It is very much apparent that the communication between us has definitely suffered a break down. The likes of which may perhaps be irretrievable. It seems to also be evident that the proposed reconciliation that had been attempted, has now reached an irreconcilable difference in stagnancy. Therefore on the basis of these developments which seem to persist ongoing, I see no further need to delay a divorce degree forthwith. After all, if we can not even communicate and reason together verbally, there is NO conceivable chance for anything else to develop. Silence, pride and stubbornness benefits no one. All of which is not the personification of love in any biblical translation. Whether it be translated as"Agape",Phileo or Eros.

And there's really no sense in holding up each others lives with an old problem which does not change in this of a new year. Let me say this in parting however, that despite the outcome of this relationship I hold no ill will or malice towards you at all. Nor for that matter should you towards me. From the very beginning to the present day time there have been steep uphill challenges that have drained the both of us spiritually, emotionally and mentally. That coupled with the large gaps of separation from each other have taken a significant toll. And even though it does not remain impossible to move past all of this, I really don't believe either of us wants to undergo the stress and toil of the transition again. It's a shame we never got to experience more post marital counseling. It might have made a difference. You are actually a very beautiful spirited woman (inside and out) who unfortunately is misunderstood by most people. Myself included perhaps in that majority.


Notwithstanding, for those special and privilege enough to have gotten beyond the outer layers of your personality and imperfections (as we all have) to delve INSIDE that of the central inner core of your pure and precious heart. They would truly have discovered just how magnificent and special a treasure you are. A highly intelligent, zealously devout, no nonsense, tough love, compassionate woman. A fact of which I only got a mere glimpse of in personal interaction, yet always recognized spiritually in your potential. I would be remiss to mention that all of our particular interests, needs and desires that were requested to function both cohesively and effectively for our relationship, were either not adequately maximized or provided to the satisfaction of each other.

I have all of your contact information and will be contacting you in the very immediate future. I did love you. Despite how unbelievable that claim may seem to you. Yet obviously our love was not perfect towards each other because we both had fear. And the bible says: There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love. 1 John 4 verse 18 No doubt this occurrence will cause deep soulful reflection on both our conscience. I only wish the best for you Vanessa and since I cannot be that for you nor you for me this seems the only feasible way. Notwithstanding there is a way that seemeth right unto man, but the end thereof are the ways of death. Proverbs 16 verse 25. What exactly does that mean you may ask?

We discussed this point before (Pro_14:12), but here it is repeated in a twofold interpretation, as that which is very necessary to be thought of:
1. By way of caution to us all to take heed of deceiving ourselves in the great concerns of our souls by resting in that which seems right and is not really so, and, for the preventing of a self-delusion, to be impartial in self-examination and keep up a jealousy over ourselves.

2. By way of terror to those whose way is not right or is not as it should be, though perhaps it may seem to themselves or others; yet the end of it will certainly be death; by which the action has a direct and certain tendency.

Can either of us still truly say as Jesus said in the Garden of Gethsemane "nevertheless not my will Lord, by Thy will be done? Reconciliation is a continual process and is not an over night result. Things don't instantly revert back to where there once were just like that. What sowns is definitely whats reaped. Alas the very process has now ceased and desist altogether.


CLW

[SAM]

Here's what I honestly think -

He is full of intellectual baloney. There is a twisted understanding of scripture and use of it for his purpose, rather than God's intent. You're right... this is babbling.

In this midst of this manifesto, it is apparent he is releasing you to move on without him.
I am sorry. This is very sad.

[rdsmith3]

This is very sad -- I am really sorry for you.

SAM is right on the money. Also, he does not take accountability for anything. The paragraph on communication breaking down is written in the passive voice, as if it just happened (or did not) somehow. I read it quickly, but I did not see one word about anything he did wrong.

[km]

I agree with the others - this is a load of malarky, garnished with flowery psuedo-intellectual language.

But it does look like you have your answer - he is not interested in reconciling.

[rdsmith3]

I would guess that he put more time into writing that e-mail than he did into learning how to be a Godly husband.

[SAM]

Does that e-mail leave us with steam coming out of our ears, or what?
How about we pray for this lost soul?

[manicurist]

I would guess that he put more time into writing that e-mail than he did into learning how to be a Godly husband.

rdsmith3,

There is nothing funny about the pain experienced after marrying a person that I am unevenly yoked together with, as indicated even by the husband himself, but your comment made me laugh.

Though take FULL responsibility for the stupid choice that I made, knowing better than to do it, but long so to be loved, it doesn't take any of the hurt away.

I have suffered abuse, neglect, and cruelty as I never would have imagined.

A hearty chuckle is what will help to heal my broken heart. LOL

Manicurist

[manicurist]

This is very sad -- I am really sorry for you.

SAM is right on the money. Also, he does not take accountability for anything. The paragraph on communication breaking down is written in the passive voice, as if it just happened (or did not) somehow. I read it quickly, but I did not see one word about anything he did wrong.

Will you please elaborate on what you mean by "passive voice, as if it just happened or did not somehow"?

[rdsmith3]

He wrote:

It is very much apparent that the communication between us has definitely suffered a break down. ... It seems to also be evident that the proposed reconciliation that had been attempted, has now reached an irreconcilable difference in stagnancy

What I mean by passive voice is that he does not write that, "I did this," or, "You did this." It does not say who communicated or who attempted to reconcile. It is not written in a way that describes a person taking an action -- it is as if the action somehow happened to the person.

To me, he wrote it this way to avoid accountability.

Suppose I promise someone I am going to call them tonight to give them some information they need, but I do not call. Tomorrow he asks me what happened. If I said, "It is very much apparent that communication did not occur last night," that would be very much misleading, and it takes away my accountability for not calling.

[manicurist]

rdsmith3

....and the church said, "Amen." I guess my hoping and believing GOD for him to humble himself unto GOD and do the WORD he is always proudly professing has somewhat numbed to to just how strong the diabolical delusion of Satan is in him...........WOW.

...you are blessing me, thank you!

[DLW52]

I think your husband did alot of thinking and prayer, and put some serious thought in his reply. A little over the top for wanting a divorce but he gets an "A" for his efforts and being forthright with his desires. I agree with the comments that there is a lack of his accountability into the irreconcilabiliy of the marriage, but perhaps this is the stage he is at now. In time, he may come back and admit his part in the break up of the marriage and truely ask for your forgiveness.

Every situation is unique when it comes separation/divorce and I give him the credit for atleast letting you know this is what he wants now, vs a knee jerk " ITS OVER" type reaction when things went awry. Give him some time, I believe GOD will impress upon him to make things right with you, so he can truely move on with his life.

Just look at this from his perspective, and try and understand that he was probably agonizing on how to tell you he wanted to end things. He took a round about way to do with eloquent words/sentences, injecting scripture to support, but its better than the alternative, a certified letter from his attorney only, where you only means of communicatuion is through him.

In time both of you will have gained much perspective and insight which will aid you both in future relationships. Right now youre both in what I term "pain and anger" stage of the divorce, where some things make sense, some dont.

[km]

I see some "serious thought" only to the extent that it is hard work to maintain such a totally unGodly position while trying to make it look Biblical. It is the same level of disingenuous thought that goes into advertising bad products so as to create an illusion of quality (e.g. disgustingly greasy Wendy's burgers become "hot and juicy" in the ad campaign).

Covering up the massive cognitive dissonance on display here has to be a massive undertaking for this beknightedly delusional guy.

[DLW52]

I see some "serious thought" only to the extent that it is hard work to maintain such a totally unGodly position while trying to make it look Biblical. It is the same level of disingenuous thought that goes into advertising bad products so as to create an illusion of quality (e.g. disgustingly greasy Wendy's burgers become "hot and juicy" in the ad campaign).

Covering up the massive cognitive dissonance on display here has to be a massive undertaking for this beknightedly delusional guy.

I dont whats worse, her hubands dissertation or your last sentence.
I'll take it that you both scored high on the english portion of your SAT's.

[SAM]

Some of us are better spellers than others.

Cognitive dissonance is a great illustration here. Dissonance is often strong when we believe something about ourselves and then do something against that belief.

Beknightedly is good too!

My new favorite word is: plethora.
You started seeing it a year or two ago in the newspaper. Now it's everywhere.


Have you heard the term, "intellectual flatulence"? I was being kind with my first post.
The more I have re-read the e-mail, this how it should have been described.
Pure and simple - rubbish.

[km]

I used to spell much better before the disc injury messed up the nerves running down my arms. Although spelling was never my strong suit even before that.

Nowadays, without a spell checker, I am back to really terrible as a speller.