Growthtrac Community

[rdsmith3]

Gentlemen, I certainly wish I could talk with your wives. Having been in a place several years ago where I no longer felt I loved my husband, and had no desire for intimacy - I could share my experiences.

I wish you or some other Godly woman would talk to my wife. If you could pray, I would appreciate that.

My wife made similar comment to the "rape" comment above. She does not want to hug. we never kiss. It is unfortunate that so many women are driven by "feelings".

[SAM]

Ahh, to me, anyway - that statement had a great deal of truth in it. And, it was something she was unwilling to hear because it would require her to make changes in herself. She was in counseling expecting all the changes that would make your marriage better would have to be done by you. The counselor was very wise and put things back in her lap.

[Faithfulman]

At the risk of sound self righteous, I have really made some life changes over this period. If you knew me before, you would be able to see the changes. I just can't see any outward changes she is making. Is it possible that all her changes are taking place on the inside and will be revealed at one time when? Maybe when she chooses to trust me again? or trust that God will comfort her if she would only return to her plan in the relationship? Man am I ever missing my wife......

[rdsmith3]

rd, Does it get any easier? Is it really possible to meet a woman's needs to the point she is happy and satisfied in a marriage?

To be honest, you are asking me on a day/week/month that is not one of the better ones. With that in mind, yes, it does get better, but, no, you cannot give joy and satisfaction to your wife.

It gets better if you work on changing yourself; getting closer to God; spending time in the Word; praying; and working on fellowship with other believers, especially men. My marriage, however, has not gotten better. I see positive changes in my wife. she is handling certain situations and relationships in a more Godly way, but she really struggles in her relationship with me. She would admit that herself, I think.

I have contributed to the problems in our marriage, so I don't want to imply that it is all her fault. But I trigger her somehow, some way, that just brings out the absolute worst. She is a wonderful person, and I love her very much, but I am sometimes shocked at the level of rage she is capable of.

[Faithfulman]

RD, I know EXACTLY your situation. I know marriage issues are 50/50 and we are where we are equally. I too can't understand the bitterness that hits me sometimes. I rarely raise my voice even when she puts up Jericho walls. I pray even when I wake up in the middle of the night, in the bathroom, driving to work, seems like all the time. I even asked her to start praying with me daily just for our girls and their needs. She said "so you want me to obligate to do it daily, and if I miss a day you will fuss at me". She will not commit to anything. I think it is her way if making sure nothing controls her at all, especially anything connected to me. I wish she really know my heart and my intentions. She would see that I have no desire to control her but want her to be happy. The heaviness in my chest is overwhelming at times and all I can do is cry. Sometimes I just can't stop. I make sure I don't let her see me. I don't want her to play the "you're trying to manipulate me" card. I really do love her and can't help but long for her companionship. I will join with you in prayer. Looks like the enemy has duplicate his attack and I bet we are not the only ones. I heard on Focus that the church is a working mirror of the working family. If Satan can stop the family from working it will eventually effect the church.

[SAM]

I love praying for you and your marriages, and will be more than happy to continue doing so.

RD - from the first time you posted until now, there have been baby steps toward hope as you have indicated in more recent posts. There is always hope, through God and his promises, that things will change.

I am grateful my husband was a very patient man. And, I also had a very wise counselor who challenged me in many ways. One of them was understanding God's love is not conditional... he loves me even when I do not behave like a good and proper child.

Also, that it was my decision to choose to love my husband, to chose to love my kids, to chose to love my friends, and neighbors. I could not filter my love through their responses back to me, I had to filter my love for them through God's eyes. And, until I could learn to love myself - it was going to be hard to love others.

Love your neighbor, love your children, and love your husband doesn't happen if you don't love yourself. Self-loathing, self-forgiveness, and feeling I lacked worthiness before God was a huge hurdle for me to climb.

[rdsmith3]

SAM

Thanks for your prayers. We need them.

We had a joint counseling session on Saturday. Praise God that she did go. She really does like the counselor, and trusts him, but feels she has already heard everything he has to say. She believes that she knows what she is supposed to do, but is unable to do it.

Anyway, the counselor did emphasize again that love is a choice, and we should not put emotions first.

The other interesting thing he said is that many Christians today have gotten the idea that we should not have any suffering. Therefore, they choose the path to avoid suffering. We all know what this looks like in a marriage. Of course, Jesus did tell us that there would be suffering on earth.

When suffering does happen, people turn to themselves rather than turning to God. It is a form of idolatry -- putting ourselves first.

I have been going to this counselor off and on, alone and with my wife, for two years, and I always learn from him. It is very difficult to find a good biblically-based, Christian counselor, but they are out there.

[SAM]

Is her heart closed off to learning new things, and taking in the biblical wisdom of someone more knowledgable about relationships than herself?

[rdsmith3]

Is her heart closed off to learning new things, and taking in the biblical wisdom of someone more knowledgable about relationships than herself?

It's hard to say. For the most part, from my perspective, I think the answer is yes. She will say, for example, that she knows she is supposed to forgive certain people (including me) but she can't. She prays to God to be able to forgive, but she can't. I am paraphrasing what she says, but it almost sounds like she is saying that God has not enabled her to forgive. Yet she keeps bringing up things from the past. She makes choices that make me question if her heart is really open to forgiveness. Her statements of, "I can't," sound like, "I won't".

She grew up with an alcoholic father and does not trust men and keeps herself in a protective mode all the time. She is angry with God for letting certain things happen to her when she was a kid. She wonders how she can trust a God who allowed these things to happen to her, so she does not trust Him to protect her.

She basically acknowledges all of this. It has tended to make her heart hard, and she is bitter and resentful towards me and other people.

[SAM]

She can't love God with all her heart, and say she can't love or is incapable of forgiving others. The two are on opposing teams. There seems to be a heart blockage in her relationship with God - and how she relates to him.

I had a huge blockage at one time because I could not relate to God as a loving and forgiving father. I looked at him as though His wrath was constantly out to get me. My earthly father was less than loving, and mentally ill, so I had a super hard time making a separation between the two. I had a friend who helped me go through my bible, and highlight all the beautiful attributes of God. It was extremely helpful.

There is a book that I have heard some great things about by Dr. Dan B. Allender called To Be Told: God Invites You To CoAuthor Your Future.

Maybe this is something that would interest her.

[Faithfulman]

Good Morning Sam & RD..... Just catching up I've been offline this weekend. WOW. If two wives were ever saying the same things and seeming to be in the same place... ours are. Mine too says she knows the word and what she should do but keeps saying she isn't at that point yet. But get to church and well the switch goes on. Hands raised, smiles as big as Texas and no one except the Pastor and his wife know the home situation. Unfortunatley the Pastors wife is her BEST friend and I do not feel is offering her unbias feedback. I keep asking God to bridle my tongue weekly so I will not preach at her about the double sidedness. It is just getting very hard knowing and hearing her say she will not try in the marriage. I have done well these past few weeks focusing more on my own worship instead of her. It still isn;t easy. I really appreciate this opportunity to share and possible grow more. There is nothing I want more than to see my wife delivered from her bitterness and unforgiveness. I long to hear her laugh with me again, to smile at me the way she does to her other friends, to desire to just hang out with me and talk about anything, to reach for my hand, to look at my face again and be proud that we are together. Time is a valuable thing and I have learned by all this that I wasted way too many years not placing her in the position of honor in our home. I never mistreated her but I was far from serving her in the Lord. I now serve her, even though I let the human thoughts slip in sometimes and wonder when she will start to return anything, but I still press on. Example... at 8:30pm last night I heard her say something to the girls about the Bojangles cinnamon twists. So I grabbed my shoes, throw on a caot and my oldest daughter and I drove and return with some. Just a recent example. Another... for our anniversary a few weeks ago, I invited to to go the the beach for the weekend without the girls. I spent hours on creating a message in a bottle to use as her invitation, completed with sand mini shells, a little mini unbrella and a message to her written from my heart about how much I love her and care for her. The last line said "The two words that started it all have now expanded to three.... I STILL DO" . She opened it said NOTHING. Later I asked her did she like it. She said it was neat. Not exactly the response I had hoped for. Well She put conditions on the trip... I could not pressure her physically (she should know after 14 months that I am not going to). We went, she only left the room to eat each night and when I treated her to a massage for two (my first one ever). We never touched the sand, pool, nothing. I am proud to say I never touched her nor hinted at anything. I was determined to show her I only wanted to be with her becasue I loved her, not for anything physical. Don't get me wrong it was in my mind but I CHOSE to honor her and her request. This is just a taste of the walls I hit. So RD I know your frustrations.

[Faithfulman]

"She can't love God with all her heart, and say she can't love or is incapable of forgiving others. The two are on opposing teams. There seems to be a heart blockage in her relationship with God - and how she relates to him."

I feel this way too. I don't dare say this to her. She would really shutdown. So any suggestion on how to she might get the message?

[SAM]

I hope you know that you have many people on the boards here at GT praying for you and your marriage. We have seen many hearts changed through prayer.

I also must admit, that I am especially praying for God to pierce your wife's heart and remove the hardness that is encircling it.

Having been a wife with a very hardened heart years ago and who withheld physical intimacy from my husband, I know how destructive my decisions were to my marriage.

The intimacy switch cannot be turned off as a Christian wife, with the full expectation that a husband will remain faithful and not leave the marriage because he is a Christian and knows God hates divorce. It develops deep frustration and anger. This is not the way God designed our marriages to be. When we hold the power over our sexuality, we become self-idols. The power does not belong in our hands, and when we place it there, we invite temptation into our marriage, sinful-selfishness, and spiritual sickness.

Please know, I earnestly continue to pray for your wives, your marriages, and that God holds you close and away from temptation. It is a difficult and terrible time for you. And, dear brothers, you are my heroes for standing strong for your marriages - even when the return is not seen right now. You are warriors... and even warriors have their doubts at times. God will bless you for hanging in there during these most difficult circumstances.

Love your wives, as Christ loves the church and lay down your lives for them. I am sure you strive to do this. God will honor you for your decisions - even the ones that have you biting your tongues some days. I know you are not perfect men, and I'm sure your wives would attest to that , but work on falling deeply in love with God. Be passionate about him in all things that you do.

Pray, pray and pray some more. Be on your knees daily for your wives and for your marriage. Stand strong and fight against The Enemy.

[SAM]

So any suggestion on how to she might get the message?

- You will not be the one who delivers this message
- Pray that God convicts her heart
- Pray that God brings people into her life to deliver the message
- Pray that God brings a sermon to your pastor that speaks to her
- Pray that God brings a person into her life who is a truth-teller

God is the one who will have to do the work of opening her eyes.

[Faithfulman]

SAM, I tried to be the delivery person for the early part of this period and I learned real fast to stop going there. It is just hard sitting back seeing the right road to take and watching her choose the wrong one.... and not being able to redirect her. At the first mention out of my mouth of anything referencing God's plan, His love, His desire to help. etc. she shutsdown. So I am really trying to back off. It is hard watching her suffer and now seeing our girls start to feel its' effects. Our 10 yr old has changed her happy facial expressions to one of just a plain long face most of the time. My wife denies our marriage is the problem but I differ. I have always been the playing, campout with, let's go for a walk, let's go feed the fish at the lake parent. My wife is really, well, into her nails, treadmill, hair,etc. So I know when the girls have something going on inside. I think my wife refuses to even acknowledge the problem because then if she still did not work on the marriage she would have to admit that she was the one not only hurting me but hurting them. So please keep them in your prayers too.