Growthtrac Community

[Faithfulman]

If anyone out there is a mighty prayer warrior I could use some help in my battle. In short, 14 months ago my wife disconnected from me emotionally and physically. She said she loves me but not in love with me. We have been married for 12 years, two young daughters. This is my second marriage and her first. We are both very strong Christians and have been since childhood. We went to a Focus On The Family Counselor and after 5 months he suggested we take a break since nothing was changing. About ME - I have used this time to really do some soul searching and changes. I now have a stronger prayer life and have started a family prayer time each night. I help with all the housework, help with the kids, grocery shop, laundry, serve her breakfast daily as she gets ready for work and only a few times during this period have I directly asked her to approach me sexually. Each time she states if she did she would feel like she was being raped. I have completed the Love Dare, read Love & Respect, Power of a Praying Man, 5 Love Languages, Every Mans Battle and Let It go ( as well as many others) during this time trying to understand what she is feeling. I have an massive empty feeling and only my praying gets me through. Please pray for our home.

[Faithfulman]

... and... I have NEVER cheated, been abusive. I do have a strong personality and tend to be in charge of things, I have really worked hard on letting go of control too.

[SAM]

Welcome.
I am so sorry you have joined us under these circumstances.
I will be more than happy to lift you and your marriage up in prayer.

Keep doing what you are doing. However, do it as though you are serving Christ - not your wife. There is a difference.

I believe in every woman's heart there is a deep need to be loved, cherished, and heard.

As you have admitted in your post, you have struggled with a controlling spirit. I ask for you to prayerfully consider this may be one source of your wife's withdrawal. God asks you to lay down your life for your wife - not control her. I want to encourage you to keep working on letting go.

Having spent time in counseling in my marriage, it usually doesn't work if we go into counseling pointing out the flaws of the other person, expecting them to make changes. Where change occurs, is when we are willing to look in the mirror and make changes in ourselves. It seems you are taking steps in the right direction.

[dgr]

Faithfulman- I too was in your position and through much prayer, tears, more prayer, some honest looks deep in my heart and soul we came through it. Don't ever, ever give up on your wife! Even though you may want to throw in the towel keep on praying for her. I prayed the prayer out of the book Power of a Praying husband (Chapter one, page 43) almost every night. I prayed it when i was angry with her, basically every chance I got. I read and reread that book. I also told a few close Christian friends of our situation who began praying for us as well. A few others I didn't tell but they could tell something wasn't right. One couple who knew nothing of our situation came by one night to witness to us.

Hang in there and keep loving her. SHE NEEDS IT!

[Faithfulman]

I really appreciate your prayers. I am trying to make life changes and serve my wife as unto the Lord. I do good for long periods of time then the enemy tries to tell me she doesn't want me any longer and it is time to move on. I have been successful fighting this but as the time grows wider it gets more difficult. I struggle each time we go to church watching her turn the happy switch on and laugh it up with everyone at church and then get in the car and suddenly the switch is flipped off. I really miss her companionship. I am meeting with several men in the church routinely to pray and just have some interaction with someone, but it isn't the same as just having my wife smiling at me. I still keep trying though. If you remember the scene in Fireproof where he fixed the dinner and his wife just walked right past and went upstairs? Well this is what I have been receiving for 14 months. In fact on the day I did the dinner, she ate with almost no talking, looked at a sale pamphlet, then said "Is that It" then hit the treadmill. I leave her notes letting her know I am thinking of her and praying for her, send her an e-card occasionally, etc. Never anything. As I am doing these I tell myself I am doing this as until God and expect nothing in return. Of course the human side of me still gets let down when as I get no responses from her. None the less I still keep trying. I really have learned what loving someone while getting nothing in return means, sort of like God loved me when I fail him. So if nothing else comes out of this situation I know I have experienced loving her just because, and not just because I am getting something back.

[SAM]

Does your wife participate in a woman's group at church or bible study?

[Faithfulman]

Only the weekly church services. I haven't seen her read her Bibile in months, only magizines and such. Our church has cell groups and when we meet she uses it as an opportunity to pal around with the girlfriends and really doesn't pay attention to the lessions, nor me. We are doing the 40 Days Of Community series. She also sings on the praise team at church. I have to really focus to look past her during services. It's hard to hear her minister and then see how she treats me at home. She even admits that she knows the word and what she should be doing but can't bring herself to the point to choose to even try. In addition to our 5 mths counseling, she has been going by herself for 13 months. Still no progress. Well none that I can see. She very well may be working on the inside but reluctant to show me. I just don't know. I wish I could see some sort of hope in her actions but she only displays bitterness to me. It's like she is getting all her emotion needs met by everyone else and has no need for me other than to help with the finances, kids and work in the home.

[Faithfulman]

.... It's also very difficult to watch her hang all over her girfriends, laugh, play go out of her way to meet their needs, do for them etc. and then see all that stop the minute she leaves them. I have to almost drag converstions out of her just to communicate. I have often wonder since she knows I am hurting within if she does these things just to push me into leaving?

[Faithfulman]

... and (starting to read like a novel) I have asked her to go attend marriage retreats with no luck. I asked her to return to counseling with me and she said the thouhgt of two men telling her what she should be doing makes her want to throwup. Well I guess you can imagine the pit in my stomach when I heard that. Please forgive me for venting but I am deperate to God to remove anything in me that is hindering Him from changing me into what he needs. So I guess this is my get it out of my system avenue today. Don't get me wrong here. I really love her and next to God, I love her more than anything or anyone else. i desire to see her used by God more than ever. I just need everyones prayers to help me turn loose of everything that is keeping God from using me totally in my home.

[rdsmith3]

Faithfulman

Sorry to hear you are going through this. A lot of the things your wife is saying sound like things my wife says.

With my wife, I know that she was deeply affected in a negative way by her alcoholic father and a mother who sometimes was distant. She is still hurting, and perhaps has never forgiven her father (but says she has). She also does not trust men in general, including me. So the anger and unforgiveness end up being directed at me.

Hurting people tend to hurt others, or they withdraw.

The challenge is for you to keep loving her, and not to grow bitter or resentful. I pray for your marriage, that God will grant you patience and strength, and the ability to keep loving your wife as Christ loves the church.

It is a cliche, but you cannot change her, only yourself.

One other thought -- would she be receptive to a female Christian counselor?

Have you tried asking her what she suggests for improving the marriage?

[Faithfulman]

I have asked her many times what else I could do and what suggestions she has. I either get I've got nothing" or "stop preaching to me I know Gods' word and don't need another daddy". So I just back off. How can someone hear God's word over and over, know that God longs to help, sing how God is able to deliver, and then turn around and refuse the very thing that could heal? I am confused to the max....

The counselor she sees alone is a female. i aske her one time did the counselor ever open the Bible or pray and she no. The FOTM counselor we worked with prayed with us often and offered Biblical backing for what he was offering. He used many of the Christian authors as his sources. It was only a few weeks after she started seeing the counselor (14 mths ago) that she stopped sexual activity with me. If fact not even a hug nor reaching to hold my hand since. So being human again, i only imagine what direction this counselor is focusing on...and I have NEVER in this entire time asked her what they've discussed. The only comment I made was the the above about every praying or Bible referencing.

All that said, I STILL LOVE HER AND AM COMMITTED TO LOVING HER REGUARDLESS. I am determined not to allow the enemy to capture another marriage.

[SAM]

I asked her to return to counseling with me and she said the thought of two men telling her what she should be doing makes her want to throwup.

This is statement is very telling - full of venom and anger.

It is time to search for a female counselor for you to go to together.
Tell her your marriage means too much to you, you want to fight for it, and you want to have a great marriage with her. Not OK, but GREAT!

Has she given you any reason for her withdrawal and why she no longer wants to be intimate with you?

My guess would be the last counselor said something to her she did not like. And, in some way it concurred with what you have been trying to say to her. She didn't want to hear it or accept it, so the way to punish you was to stop intimacy.

Gentlemen, I certainly wish I could talk with your wives. Having been in a place several years ago where I no longer felt I loved my husband, and had no desire for intimacy - I could share my experiences.

[Faithfulman]

SAM, She did have a very very strict religious childhood (no TV, no rings, etc) so during our counseling this was addressed. She says she is over this but somehow I feel she still compares me to her Father. I asked her would her father ever consider going to counseling to change and she said never. So I am different by wanting to change myslef to help meet her needs. Side note: two years ago I intercepted an email from a male coworker that indicated she was in the middle of an emotional affair. She denied anything physical and I had a long hard time getting over that but I am at peace with it now. So I know she has been searching for something for sometime. I just wish I could have opened my eyes years ago and been able to see that she was hurting inside. Maybe I could have started my changing then and saved her some pain and heatache. i can only move forward from here.

[Faithfulman]

SAM, during our next to last session the counselor said this to her: "What would a miracle in your marriage look like? Imagine how you would be acting if you already had that miracle and things were great. You should start choosing those actions now and let your feelings develop. You can not go on nor trust your feelings." The next week was our last visit and that was 4 months ago.

[Faithfulman]

rd, Does it get any easier? Is it really possible to meet a woman's needs to the point she is happy and satisfied in a marriage?