Growthtrac Community

[veggiemelt]

I guess I have always view giving him that distance as "respecting his space", trying to not give him more pressure or a sense of obligation when he is already on over load. Also, I have seen it as respecting both of us in, if I try to show any type of physical affection when he is in a down or stressed zone, I am coldly dismissed - it hurts my feelings and that causes more problems because it usually causes a fight - because he knows he upset me, to he gets defensive. I figure that is just a good thing to avoid all around. So, like I said, I have always thought of it as the respectful thing to do.

But things are starting to turn slightly in a new direction very slowly, and I don't want to make the same mistakes I made before, so there are a lot of things that i have begun to ponder and wonder if what i though was the right thing was really the wrong thing. Or maybe what ever might have been right before is wrong now. I agree Sam that all marriages end up doing little dances of distruction. I am not sure yet if this needs to change, or how to change it if it is time to learn a new dance. km - I think I was with you on this for a long time, I think it was the right thing before - but I think it might not be the right thing anymore. Thanks guys.

[km]

I too have played the 'give space' game when the spouse has been at most unlivable/cold/distant/distracted/obnoxious. We've had enough discussion of the current status quo for me that I certainly can't say it was handled the right way, or best way, or what might have been better.

What you say makes sense - seems reasonable even. But we aren't dealing with logical stuff here. We're dealing with people who aren't addressing deep seated emotional baggage, and thus are operating rationally.

[Searcher]

You guys are right about the dance and from what I learned through this fun ride is with us the dance was all about fears,I had a fear of abandonment and she had a fear of engulfment.The more I wanted to be around her and spend time with her the more she started feeling smothered and pulled away which just fed my fear,and around and around you go.We know our fear dance but still haven't solved it.That's why I have backed off and given her space,I have noticed that the times that I back off and do my own thing,don't ask about where she has been or what she's been doing,those are the times when she seems to speak up and talk more.We have made some progress but still a long way to go.I just have to catch myself when I start to fall into old habits and start making her feel smothered,I have changed and grown through this,by the way she hit her forties when all of this fun started and from everything thing that I've read we are absolutly dealing with a full blown midlife crisis here.What do they say that which doesn't kill you makes you stronger,I'm not planning on letting this kill our marriage.

[veggiemelt]

Searcher, you might be interested in the topic "Completely Lost" under the Resolving Conflict catagory.

[SAM]

Because he knows he upset me, to he gets defensive. I figure that is just a good thing to avoid all around.

Many of these little dances we do in marriage are not healthy, but destructive. If you think about it, they create separateness rather than the oneness God desires us to experience.

Think about what these dances are about -
The Waltz of Fear
That Tango of Avoidance
The Samba of Abandonment
The Rumba of Hurt
The Fox Trot of Anger
The Hip-Hop of Silence
The Salsa of Distance
The Break Dance of You've Caused Pain/I'll Cause Pain Back

At some point, we have to make a decision to learn new steps and fall into step with God's grace, hope, and healthiness in our marriages. The help of a professional dance instructor (counselor) will unpack the poorly executed baggage steps. Sometimes that means you're dancing by yourself, and somewhere down the road your spouse may decide to join you. Of course, they may refuse to learn new steps. However, you can get yourself to a place of healthy steps where you clearly see when the wrong ones are being used, and find God's grace and help to correct them.

[veggiemelt]

This is going to sound crazy, but it kinda makes sense.
My husband and I have never been to counseling, we have never participated in a marriage topic bible study, and we have never read the same books about resolving conflict (I read the books, he did not). But there is one thing that had a huge impact on both of us and how we relate to one another, it has helped us somehow start to break old patterns and begin to build new ones, and it helped us to re establish a feeling of leadership and confidence - and trust and submission.
We started taking dance lessons. It was his idea. We have had a great time and I think it has helped us see one another in a different light. It was hard at first, we fought a couple of times, and then we both just started not talking about it. We just started going there, having fun, and treating each other like every other partner in the room - no criticizm, no extra leading, no expectation, just dancing. It is weird how it has changed stuff, but the thing is, I think dancing so perfectly portrays the role of men and women. And in order to be good at it - you have to be exactly that - all woman and all man - otherwise it doesn't work. I think without any words, dancing has taught us things and helped us feel our role with one another better then any counseling sesson, or book or any discussion. It is amazing, and I highly recommend it to every one.

[Searcher]

i love the idea of taking dance lessons together.We recently went to a charity function that we attend once a year and it very formal tux and all,but it's one time of year that we get out on the dance floor and have a good time.I can't say it did much for our intimacy because she wasn't interested in the slow dance songs,but we still had a good time.

[SAM]

One of the strongest growing periods I ever had in my marriage is when we joined a couples bible study group together. The second period came when we started serving God together in ministry - it provided us with a common purpose. Neither of these experiences were met with great joy and celebration from my husband, but he changed his opinion over the course of a few months. I did not drag him by his hair, but told him it would mean a lot to me and asked if he would make a three month commitment. If at the end of three months, if he felt we should quit, then I would abide by his decision. When we started serving together, and he saw that his gift of evangelism was starting to be used very actively by God, it provide him with a fire in his gut I never saw before.

We just finished leading our first couple's small group in over 10 years, and it was an amazing experience to watch the light bulbs start to flicker with the couples in the group. Their marriages and family can change, there is hope, small baby steps make a difference, and they have friends to cheer them on and provide a nudge when they need it.

[lynn]

Dear Searcher

One thing that kept bothering me while reading your posts was that you mentioned that she just hit her 40's. Is she not maybe perimenopause? My sister went into perimenopause at the age of 36 and one of the symptoms is a lack of desire for intimacy. Maybe she should have herself tested. Other symptoms include certain forms of depression, fatigue, emotional for no reason what so ever, the list goes on an on...... There is so much info of the Internet about this. A lot of GP's misdiagnose it especially if the woman is still as young as your wife. Wont hurt to have it checked out...