Growthtrac Community

[dgr]

Thankyou for that clarification.

I'm very grateful as to the current events but still having a hard time understanding why she is unwilling/unable to tear down those walls. Really frustrates me.

[dgr]

Me and my wife have started counseling sessions. We went jointly on Tuesday and are scheduled to meet individually next Monday and Tuesday. We also met with our pastor on Wednesday.

Patience is hard for me. I've recently messed things up again resulting in my wife shutting down. I don't know what to do and its killing me. I know that I should wait and let God work but my desires for a fixed marriage sometimes cause road blocks. I have this character flaw that when we get into a fight I feel like I have to have it resolved right then and there. I end up pressuring and talking it to death. I don't know why I do that and I end up feeling rotten the next day about it. It usually backfires and it did last night. Right now me and my wife are barely talking. Last night we were close and I ended up pushing her (not physically). This resulted in a fight and now she has closed me off. SHe is saying that she is no longer going to go to counseling. I know in my heart that this is temporary, that she is angry with me for pressuring her. She had opened up to me yesterday morning that she loved me but didn't know if she could forgive me for all the things throughout the marriage, she also said that she didn't know if she could forgive herself.

I love this woman dearly and am so stressed out with our current situation. She says that she isn't going anywhere (Thankyou God) but I'm afraid that she'll just quit emotionally.

My question is this: How do I conduct myself daily? I am changing myself through prayer but the human side of me still hurts and gets frustrated. Right now she is doubting things are going to change. I pray for patience all the time but its still hard. I know that she doesn't want to leave, I know that she loves me. I truly believe that she is confusing loss of passion with loss of love. What can I do to change me so that she'll come around? I know that I need to respect that she may be moving at a different pace than I but how can I get her to respect my pace? Or should I just let her be and let God and time work?

I honestly don't know what to do. Just know that I mess things up. Please help. My wife means the world to me.

[SAM]

I've recently messed things up again.

Patience is hard for me.

I have this character flaw that when we get into a fight I feel like I have to have it resolved right then and there.

I end up pressuring and talking it to death.

As a woman, the message this would send me is, there is no desire to change and no desire to listen. That is why feelings and sharing will shut down on the part of your wife.

I know that I should wait and let God work but my desires for a fixed marriage sometimes cause road blocks.

Until you let God take this over, it's going to continue to be a very difficult journey. Go to her and apologize, and specifically state what you wrote here, and you know these are things you have to work on. Things will not change until you are willing to change and stop trying to "fix" her and you.

In order to apologize, consider what her apology language may be. And, it may be necessary to say all five of the following for awhile to figure that out. Just saying "I'm sorry" may be looked at as empty promises by your wife.

1) Express regret - "I am sorry."
2) Accept responsibility - "I was wrong."
3) Make restitution - "What can I do to make it right."
4) Genuinely repent - "I'll try not to do that again."
5) Request forgiveness - "Will you please forgive me?"

Right now she is doubting things are going to change.

That says it all, dear brother. That is it in a nutshell.
If she is not feeling safe to share her feelings, and she does not feel cherished, loved or listened to - then she is going to shut down every emotional feeling she has for you.

She is watching you and searching for genuine change in your behavior - heart change.

The definition of insanity is: Doing things the same over and over again expecting different results.

Or should I just let her be and let God and time work?

You know the answer, otherwise you wouldn't be asking the question.

[dgr]

I am going to give her the time and allow God to work. Right now her heart is so hard. She won't ask for forgiveness nor give any. I'm still going to pray for her and myself but it will be in private.

Right now the ball is in her court.

[SAM]

Have you heard of the book Power of A Praying Husband by Stormie O'Martian?

[dgr]

Yes, and as soon as the evacuation order is lifted from the Hurricane I am going to go to town and buy it.

I would also like to buy the Five Languages of Love.

[rdsmith3]

Those are both good books.

Remember that God does not always answer our prayers the way we think He should answer them. In fact, He rarely does, because He is an amazing God.

I was trying to get our 2 year old ready yesterday morning. I had some breakfast for him. He has lots of energy. He has great curiosity. He has very limited attention. I was trying to tell him to sit at the table and eat while I was doing stuff in the kitchen to clean up. We had people coming over for Labor Day.

Then it occurred to me that I have been praying to God for patience. God is not going to just zap me and infuse me with incredible patience. He could, but He did not. Instead, He has blessed me with an incredible child, along with the other children and step-children He blessed me with. A two year old requires a lot of patience. So I decided to sit down at the kitchen table and invited my little guy to come over and finish eating, which he did.

He is putting me in situations that require patience so that I will learn it. It is like exercise -- I don't always like doing it, but it is necessary, and the end results are worth it.

[dgr]

I am also going to buy the Power of a Praying Wife. Right now I am reading Landmines in the Path of the Believer by Charles Stanley. It is a good book that deals with many things that get in the way of our personal walk with God.

The chapter on unforgiveness is great. Right now my wife is harboring much unforgiveness in her heart. I know that I'm not perfect but I have been a good husband to her. I'm going to give her space and keep trying to grow my personal walk with Jesus as well as spending more time with my kids. I can't make her be a happy person. That is something that she is going to have to work out with God.

[rdsmith3]

That sounds like the right approach, dgr. My wife, also, really struggles with forgiving people. At the heart of it, I believe, is that she struggles with believing and trusting that God loves her and forgives her.

[montanna]

Sounds goofey, but the greatest qoute... I've heard latley was in Noah's Ark.. Mogan Freeman ( God) said to the woman if we ask God for love he doesn't just give us love, he gives us better oppotunties to love one another!

God is giving you these road blocks to be able to change whats been wrong for a while and make you stronger and better! That is a gift... Hard to see that all the time I know... but we just have to in these tough trying times!!!!
Anyways... just my 2 cents...
bg

[dgr]

The past couple of days have been some of my happiest. I had been staying torn up about our relationship, and had been pressuring her. Now I have Given our relationship to God. I still love her with all of my heart but I'm no longer going to stay all twisted up. She may not know it but I still pray for her several times a day. I pray for her heart to be softened. In the meantime she can do her own thing while I spend time with my children. Since this change, my stress has dropped to almost zero. I feel closer to God. I still hope that she changes herself but I cannot focus on that. I don't have to answer to God for her, only myself.

[montanna]

DGR,

As I have mentioned I also (for other reasons) have shut my husband out. He prays constantly and when he stopped trying to FIX me is when I could feel my heart soften to him, I am not there yet but with help of God and great friends and wonderful advise on here, I will be there one day! And so will she...

Keep it up! Thank God you finally got it!

[dgr]

Well I'm going to keep being there and working on myself. I hope that she goes to her knees in private and finds a relationship with God. I worry about her.

I will continue to love her and honor her, will just do it from more of a distance until she is ready. If she is a christian ( and I believe her to be one) , God will convict her as to what she is doing. I will not break this covenant between us as well as between God and myself.

I keep going back to Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you said the Lord. Plans to help you and not to harm you, plans for you to prosper and not to fail." Also Psalm 55:22 "Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you". Those scriptures along with many others have kept me going. I also have been visiting www.cbn.com and reading their marriage articles. Good stuff! Click on family and then marriage and then more marriage articles. All christian based materials.

I know that God desires healthy loving relationships and I am going to strive for that.

[voivod]

PRAISE BE TO JESUS INDEED!!!
i am in a separation situation right now, my wife and i do things together on a regular basis, sometimes daily, almost always in a dating (with the kids along, it's a management situation, besides, we want them to see mom & daddy together) situation. drive-in movie has been our latest, but picnics, sunday drives, dvd movies at her place, dinner, lunches almost every day. she often initiates the "date."

this woman is my guardian angel, she saved my life during a stroke. i mean really saved my life. i'm gonna post the story here for all to read someday.

anyway, if the dgr marriage can be saved, mine sure can.

i am currently in individual counseling as i have many issue, one of which is jealousy (actually a misplaced belief that my wife is capable of adultery, she's gorgeous an i'm about average, was overweight until recent 79 pound weight loss) and attend AA. i am sober for 109 days. last night (1:45 am last night actually) God came to me and the gyst of it is He is asking me to be patient, my punishment(?) for my sin (drinking a beer post-stroke after promising doctor and WIFE that there would be no more) is that this reconciliation, which seems quite possible, will take agonizingly long. i'm being told by Him that patience is what is called for. so, ok.

i told my wife today that i had this "visit" from him. it was so real that i freaked out, went to my front door and opened it. i thought he was physically outside my door!!! i texted her at 1:45 when it happened, she said it's "not funny" when i said "don't laff but i just got a visit from God." she's been there.

when i told her face to face that it "scared the hell outta me" (pun intended) she said "maybe it should scare the hell out of you.

she's not being overly warm, except that she is giving me the opportunity to be with her regularly. i'm sorta using common sense, honoring her, treating her with respect, etc. i'm putting my faith in God as i was forced to with my stroke. He came through then, and he is now.

PRAISE THE LORD!!

[SAM]

Just a quick side note -

DGR - Do not buy books for your wife. It will come across as though you are trying to fix her.