Growthtrac Community

[dgr]

My marriage is in severe trouble. I do not know what to do about it. My wife has told me that she is considering leaving me. We have been married for 11 years and have had our ups and downs. Overall it has been a great marriage. We have two sons together ages 11 and 7.

She says that she loves me but is not in love with me anymore. I told here that she was playing with words. She responded by telling me that she loves me like a friend. ????????????????????

She said that she has resentments and anger towards me that she has kept bottled up through the years. The division of household chores, money, sex, etc... have hardened her to the point that I'm afraid she will walk out at any time.

She has agreed to try and work on our marriage but the sound of her voice says different. She told me that she feels so detached. I mentioned counseling and she told me no that it didn't work. A couple of years ago we had went to a Christian counselor for one session but never went back thinking that we had fixed the problem.

There have been no affairs or anything like that. She has been a great wife and mother. What can I do? She wants to avoid deep conversations about us and gets frustrated when I bring it up. I'm afraid that she is already mentally gone.

Help me please.

[SAM]

Welcome - so glad to have you join us at GT Community. I am sorry it is under such difficult circumstances.

It's so hard when love is defined as how you "feel" instead of what one "chooses". So, I can only take a guess, as a woman who once felt my feelings had died for my husband. What I now realize is, my love for God has also died. Since I felt nothing for God anymore, I felt nothing for my husband.

One counseling session does not usually fix a marriage. So, I would encourage you to start going to a counselor again - even if your wife will not go with you. You can work on you - you cannot change her.

Sometimes, we have to start from scratch. That means, going on dates regularly, rebuilding romantic nights, moments and memories.. and getting our behinds off the couch and out of the daily grind and routine that makes our marriage less than fun.

You can let her know you are committed to your vows - until death do you part. And, you do not want to let her go. You love her and feel she is a great wife and mother.

She's telling you what the problems are:

1) Resentment and anger that has built up
2) Chores in the house are falling on her shoulders
3) Sex
4) Money

If she has kept it bottled up, she's probably at the point of explosion.
No matter what you say and do it's not going to make her happy.
So, as far as counseling goes - it's a must do. Do not let her talk you out of it. If she's agreeing to work this out, self-help does not work. If self, could help, you wouldn't be where you are right now.

A few book recommendations that may help you see through the storm at this point -

Love Busters - Protecting Your Marriage from Habits That Destroy Romantic Loveby Willard F. Harley, Jr.
His Needs/Her Needs - also by Willard F. Harley, Jr.
Every Man's Marriage by Stephen Arterburn
Power of A Praying Husband by Stormie O'Martian

I have prayed for you and your marriage. God is in control and he will walk beside you through this...

Isaiah 41:13
I am holding you by your right hand - I, the Lord your God. And I say to you, "Do not be afraid. I am here to help you."

[dgr]

Thank you so much for that scripture.

Its really weird. As long as I don't approach relationship she seems pleasant, as soon as it goes there she changes.

Tonight I asked her again if she would consider counseling. She told me probably not. I then asked her to pray about our relationship, marriage, etc.. when she was alone with her thoughts. She said that she would.

She will at least hold my hand while I pray for us.

I've asked her to please forgive me for everything I've done through the years. She says she has but is still very harsh towards me. I recognize that she has real feelings on these issues. I've been a controlling husband as far as the money goes. I never meant to be and it wasn't controlling from a power standpoint. I guess I controlled because I'm the type who constantly worries about finances. So every time she spent money I had some stupid comment to make or what have you. I've had three weeks to self reflect just how wrong that I was. I've dealt with that and have made a true change. I will not lose my wife over money. There are other problems but that was a biggie. As the husband I'm taking all the blame for what is wrong with us. I'm not focused on hearing her apologize for her wrongs (which there are many). I just want my wife back. I love her dearly.

I just don't know. She's still physically here but doesn't seem like she wants to work on this at all. When talk gets deep she gets frustrated and says that I'm driving her away. How can I get her to approach this without seeming like I'm pressuring her? This is killing me.

[rdsmith3]

Welcome.

I have a few random thoughts as I am in a bit of a rush.

First, another book to consider is The Exemplary Husband by Stuart Scott.

Second, I speak from personal, painful experience -- resist the urge to "fix" your wife. We men like to fix things. You cannot change your wife. You can only change yourself. I am guilty of doing this myself.

Third, go to counseling, as SAM suggested. It will show your wife that you are serious about making lasting changes, not just temporary quick fixes.

Fourth, surrender this all to God, and pray for your marriage, yourself and your wife. Trust Him to convict each of you of what needs to change, and to help you make those changes.

Fifth, pray for patience, that He will work in your marriage in His perfect time, not yours.

[dgr]

Thank you so much. This is all very trying for me. I love my wife so much that its killing me thinking that she wants out.

The patience part is something that I'm really going to have to work on. This morning we had a huge blowout when I began wanting to talk about her relationship, she was having none of it. I then told her that I wasn't the only one who should be asking for forgiveness, which was too much for her.

She said that she would be gone in one month and I then popped off to go ahead. I immediately regretted it, I was just tired of the threat.

Today at lunch she asked me if I wanted to do lunch with her. She told me that she hated to see me hurting. She said that she no longer has feelings of love towards me but was willing to work on it.

I just need to back off and give her time which is so against my nature. Its very hard to live like this. I'm so torn up inside. I've cried buckets out in the woods behind my home.

One ray of sunshine today. ( we work together). After lunch I went by her room because she needed something moved. We shared a laugh and I told her that it was good to see her laughing. I also said that I was grateful for little steps. She replied that "we didn't get to this point all at once".

I just don't know. Maybe there is hope. Please pray for us.

[rdsmith3]

From what you have written, it seems like there is a lot of hope. Some of the threats your wife is making may just be desperate cries for your attention. That does not make them right, but it also may mean that she does not really want to leave. She is trying to tell you that she wants things to change.

Do you trust that God is in control of your life and your marriage? God is sovereign over everything. Surrender to Him and trust in Him. Allow Him to work in you and in your marriage.

[dgr]

It is definitely touch and go. I know that she is battling inner demons.

This is all so difficult. I just have to keep praying for her. I love her very much.

[dgr]

She is opening up a little bit now. Still holding on to resentments but opening up more. We've read a lot in the bible about divorce, although at my request as she is still very hesitant. She has this toughness about her, this fear of appearing vulnerable. I don't know why. Right now, I'd say that she is staying because of the kids, but thank God for them.

I just pray for God to open up her heart, to convict her, and to give me patience that this is not going to happen on my time but his. I've come to realize that this is not about making up but rebuilding.

Thankyou all for your prayers, I believe they are working.

[montanna]

DGR,

Hang in there.. I am sure there is a deep rooted reason that she is hardening up, may be partly what the relationship lacks as well as stuff she hasn't dealt with before. I know in my situation I am hardened slightly too, but I was hurt by my husband. I am affraid to open myself up to get hurt. She amy be feeling the same way. She ahs to figure out that reason why she is doing this.

I pray for you to have peace about it and know that God is in total control, so hard to do I know. My husband said this morning that the hardest thing he ahs ever done is let go and hope that I come around to love him the same again. So I know it is very ahrd for you to sit back and just let go and let God work on her. Even if she is only reading the word b/c of your request she IS doing it, a great sign...

A book that has saved me latley, Stormie Omartian " The prayer that Changes Everything" do you think she would read it? It could help her...

God Bless you and your family!

bg

[dgr]

Praise be to GOD!

She left me Friday night but returned Saturday morning. We talked, fought, cried together and decided to try and work it out. She is totally open to counseling now. She admitted that she has had doubts about her salvation and we prayed together that if she was not saved that God enter her heart.

She says that she loves me but those intimate feelings for me are gone, however she wants them back. I believe that she is sincere.

Today we had some difficulties when I thought things werent going as fast as I hoped. We agreed to stop talking about our situation for today to allow the pressure to subside. I didn't want to do this but I did. The funny thing is once I went outside I immediately thought about what I did wrong. She says that she can't talk to me/open up because I don't listen. Of course I disagreed but then told her that it really didn't matter what I thought because if she didn't think that she could talk then that was the reality that we had to deal with. I have to change somehow so that she will feel more open to talking. I also have just realized that I can't fix this in one day. I so bad want things to be like they were but have got to learn to just hand it over to God. She is a wonderful person.

I am so happy now though that she is back and has said that she will never leave me again. That is a start and we will have to build on that.

Thank you God.

[montanna]

I am so happy for you! Praise the Lord!

Just keep your head up and keep praying...

My husband also said that I didn't listen to him, but the flip side is he seemed to not open up to me... so you both have to look inside and pray that God will and he CAN change these things about the both of you! So glad that she will see a therapist now! That is amazing...

Good Luck, and God Bless!

bg

[dgr]

We go to our first counseling session today. I pray that we both have open minds, ears, and hearts.

It is difficult but I am trying desperately to win back her love. I know that she has it but she has these huge walls that she currently is unable to tear down. She does say that she is totally committed to this marriage so that is comforting.

Any ideas as to how I can speed things up? I want this fixed immediately. I know that it didn't happen overnight so its not going to be fixed overnight but do any of you have ideas of things that reached you or your spouse when you were in the same situation?

[montanna]

The only thing I can tell you is that As I said I have been closed off for a little while now, slowly opening up ( for different reasons than yours) My husband just never gives up ever.... And he has finall yrealized that I am going to feel the way that I feel, he can not change it or speed it up. Only I can control my feelings and wants.

DGR, she is opening up to some extent by going to therapy, make sure you acknowledge all of this along the way. And let her know that you see that she is trying and making strides. Her therapist will help her with her feelings. All you can do is support her, lover her, and make her feel appreicated every second. And listen to the things she needs. However, you do have needs as well.. This is where the therapist comes in.

Good luck!!!

bg

[dgr]

I've read on here from some that certain spouses are basing their love on emotions or feelings rather than commitment.

I've told my wife this and she responded that she doesn't know what that means.

Any help deciphering that?

[SAM]

Love is not a feeling - it is a daily choice.

Our feelings for our spouses will change. It is up and down. Same way with our children - we love them. Yet, there are times when their actions and behaviors upset us. Same thing with our spouse. It doesn't mean we should no longer love them.

So, if we base our levels of love on feelings, then we will sometimes be in love and sometimes we will not. I actually call it "like". There have been times where I have told him, "I love you, but I don't like you right now." However, I still choose to love him.

Same thing with God - he loves us. However, he may not like our behavior toward him and grieve when we tell him we don't feel like we are in love with him. We have a choice to love him, or not love him.

That is where the choice/commitment part comes in. Are we committed to a lifetime love, or an "only when I feel like it love?"