Growthtrac Community

[cassie]

I have been married 1month! and already my husband says my sexual interest is declining. He don't seem to understand I work 40 hours a week, trying to take care of my mom. I multi-task all day long, and am just tired. He never has to go very long, at least 1-2 times a week. We have been really stressed with the wedding preparations, photo albums, selling a house and moving stuff. I feel so overwhelmed, and he thinks I am the only female who don't want sex everyother day. I know this is a gift from God, and I want to fulfill my part to my husband, but I can't read his mind, and as a female I don't normally want sex as much as a male. Do any females out there feel the same way or am I the only one? please help I thought our relationship was fine.

[SAM]

You're not unusual.

A couple of things that you may need to pay attention to.

- Your husband is saying he desires you more often.

- How often per week needs to be compromised - for some every day is a bit much. For others two or three times a week is a bit much. But, as a newlywed you need to ask yourself, is once a week the way it should be?

- Ask him how many times per week he would like to be intimate, then work on a compromise. Maybe Friday nights and Wednesday nights are your fun nights. Then each of you have something to look foward to.

- Tell him you are tired or exhausted and it is not him. He may be feeling rejected right now.

- If you don't work too far from home, maybe some quick afternoon lunch breaks would be helpful.

- Not every experience throughout the week needs to be a marathon. Quickies in the shower together can be be fun.

- When you say no, your husband will feel rejected. Not to say that he shouldn't be aware of your needs. He should not be demanding sex, pouting and having a pity party, either. This is just how guys feel when their wives say no.

- Talk with him about ways that will help you relax when you get home and how he can help you with that.

- Turn off the TV - it's the most interruptive thing for building intimacy. Have some romantic music on in the evenings or even praise and worship music.

- Sex is a mind exercise for us. Trying to think like our guys just doesn't work, but trying to please them does. When you think about how you can serve and please your husband, it can change your mindset. You're right this is a gift given to us by God and it's really hard to see it that way at times.

- There is a great new book out by Shannon Etheridge called "Every Woman's Marriage". It's pretty eye-opening and covers the topic of sex in quite a bit of detail.

- Your hubby is your next priority after God. It other priorities are taking over his spot, maybe it's time to reconsider and start saying "no" to family and friends so you have more solitude together.

- Is your bedroom really your sanctuary? Sometimes decorating a bedroom together with colors you both love and wonderful linens and candles becomes a place you can relax - along with some great bubble bath. Let hubby know what you want to do and he'll be more than eager to go shopping with you knowing there are rewards in the end. It can be your retreat from the stresses of the day.

- Several marriage books I've read say men need a sexual recharge every 3-4 days. When they get that from us, they look at themselves, their jobs and the world as though everything is OK and their productivity increases too.

- You didn't mention any children but that adds even more challenges to the mix.

[cassie]

Thanks for your reply, it was great. I just wanted to add that I don't say no to him, because hardly ever does he ask, he thinks I can read him enough to know when he wants to, but I have no idea whats going on in his mind. He says he will not ever ask because he don't want to if I don't want to, and that I should want to when he does. Very confusing to me, because women don't want that like men do. I truly just want to do the Christian thing thats best for our marriage. thanks again

[SAM]

He thinks I can read him enough to know when he wants to - I should want to when he does - very confusing to me.

You're right, reading minds and body signals doesn't work all the time. As much as we love each other and try to stay tuned-in to feelings and actions and want that kind of connection, we're wired up so differently that it doesn't work. That's why verbalizing needs is so important, otherwise needs don't get met. It's a very unrealistic expectation that he expects you to "read him" and it's already caused him to have disappointment and be discouraged about your sexual relationship.

It's taken me many a years to pick up on my husband's signals. Usually I start getting more hugs, more kisses, he comes up behind me and smells my neck and sniffs in my perfume, or starts rubbing my arm or leg. Those are usually fairly good cues. Not to say those don't happen somewhat regularly, but they happen more frequently when he's sending me smoke signals of desire.

Makes me wonder what things were like in the Garden of Eden. Were Adam and Eve that clued into each other? I still think they misread each others signals too in more ways than one.

I just remembered some great Christian books for both of you -
Sheet Music by Dr. Kevin Lehman
Red Hot Monogomy by Bill and Pam Farrell
Intended for Pleasure by Ed Wheat

Another one for you that I've come across by Linda Dillow/Lorraine Pintus - Intimate Issues: 21 Questions Christian Women Ask About Sex

They talk about misperceptions the media gives us -

-Sex always just happens naturally.
-The woman is always instantly passionate and ready. She never needs love, encouragement or foreplay. Her sexual glands activate at the unbuttoning of her shirt.
-The man and woman know everything, do everything just right and are instant perfect lovers.
-Tiredness vanishes with one passionate look.

These are voices of our culture, not the voice of God. God's thoughts about the gift of sex have become so distorted that many women don't know what to believe. Some wonder if something is wrong with them.
Sound familar?

There is tons of scripture they use that direct us to God's word on the subject rather than the words of our culture. I think you'll gain tremendous insight from this book too.

[ClariMari]

You know, I went through some of this same stuff right after getting married. Just over 2 years into marriage, I'm not expert, but I can certainly relate! Just 3 months after getting married I started school full-time, and I was working full-time as well. So you can imagine what happened at that point. Up until then, it was about 3-4 times per week, and then after that, it just wasn't happening anymore. What really helped me was when my husband also went back to school (while working), so he was, still is, kept pretty busy, too, and knew what it was like. Now, sometimes we're doing good if it happens 1 time per week! I guess if I could give any advice it would defintely be to sit him down and make sure he knows that you find him desirable, and make sure he doesn't think that he's unpleasing to you. Also, tell him that you need him to show signs if he wants it, because women don't think like men, that is for sure! I mean, in most cases, any time we come onto our husbands, there is no resistance, so from a guy's point of view, I'm sure that it's harder for them to understand why we don't always want them when they come onto us.

[babycakes]

Whoever says Christians aren't sexual creatures hasn't been on this forum!

[cassie]

Just wanted to give you an update on this subject....This is no longer an issue with us, I prayed about it, and guess what? I bet you already know....Our good Lord helped our marriage and this "problem" doesn't exist any longer. God is so good, I believe in Him and thank him everyday. I love to look back a year ago and see what was going on and how it has changed today. I am more settled in the marriage now and not so uptight and read the word and study it. Thanks to all that helped me ...............I am thankful for Growthrac...

[SAM]

It's important not to use the word "no" when your husband asks.
You can always say, "can I have a raincheck?"

Yeah Lord for helping this couple through this time.
You are so faithful to us.