Growthtrac Community

[mbriga01]

He feels he is further along than I am and doesn't foresee that i can be on the same level as he is. He said the way he looks at it is...could he remain with me at my current "level" for the rest of his life and be happy? He doesn't think so. I really don't understand why he insists on maintaining the view he has, but I agree with you. We are on a journey together, and our different life experiences have affected us in different ways as we've grown, and what we experience as a couple will also affect us differently. Time changes people, we grow older and that doesn't mean we have to grow apart just because we think differently. He doesn't really seem like his current viewpoint would make for marital success with anyone if he can't accept that thinking differently isn't a bad thing.

[km]

His very attitude and thoughts on this show that he is actually far behind you spiritually.

I would enjoy a direct interchange with him (y'all could PM me and we could exchange emails).

[SAM]

Wisdom and depth comes from having mentors in your life who are older and wiser than yourselves. Biblically, these are the people God puts in your life to gather wisdom from.

What I gather from this is, he is telling you in a very round-a-bout way, that you are not his intellectual or spiritual equal. And, if he were to look at how a child grows and develops, he would see that each child is unique unto their own. In the same way, as children of God, we grow and mature at different levels.

I cannot recall a time in my marriage where my husband and I have been exactly at the same intellectual level spiritually. And, if that is an expectation your husband has for the wife he desires - you're right - he will be sadly disappointed with whomever he chooses. How will he feel if he has a wife who is intellectually and spiritually superior to him?

Quite frankly, your husband is full of baloney and throwing up a smokescreen to justify his distance from you and his choices.

I agree with km - your husband is not spiritually mature. If he was, he would know that your marriage is a covenant and meant to last a lifetime. God, in his infinite wisdom, came up with that one. There is nothing in the bible that allows a husband to divorce his wife for not being his intellectual or spiritual equal.

[mbriga01]

My husband believes that the bible is not meant to be taken as a literal text, and that his desire for happiness is what matters. To me it seems like he feels that his happiness is more important than that of anyone else. I wish I knew how to communicate with him in a way that would make him listen. I am afraid that if I engage in any sort of debate with him that my fear will make me fumble and I'll only end up pushing him farther away. Part of me feels that I shouldn't worry about how far I push him because either way I don't have much to lose. He's already made up his mind to leave and he's only going to counseling because I agreed not to contest the divorce if he went to counseling for a year with me. But he doesn't seem like he's interested in actually fighting for the marriage...but if he doesn't fight to make this work and it ends, he won't have the closure he needs and he'll be more likely to mess up his next relationship. I really don't know what to do other than to keep praying...but I don't want to sit here and wait for the distance to grow any further. I want to help him now...I want to change his view of me. I want him to want to stay with me and his daughter. He's the only man I want. I hate this being so one-sided.

[SAM]

My husband believes that the bible is not meant to be taken as a literal text.

I would be very concerned that a man is going into full time ministry to teach young adults and has this belief about the bible. The Bible is the inspired word of God - not a literal text for those who are followers of Jesus Christ.

And, that he feels that is perfectly acceptable to end a marriage for his own personal happiness.

I pray that God will bring people into his life, that will cross his path, with the truth of God's word. That his heart will be convicted that this is not God's direction for his life, but of his own choosing, and a selfish heart.

Do you have a trust Christian friend or pastor you can speak to about this?
Someone other than a family member?

[rdsmith3]

My husband believes that the bible is not meant to be taken as a literal text.

I would be very concerned that a man is going into full time ministry to teach young adults and has this belief about the bible.

Sam,

I immediately thought the same thing. We currently have two teenagers who actively participate in the youth program at our church. I would pull them out if I knew the youth pastor had those beliefs.

I feel more strongly than ever that what I said back on page 1 is accurate:

"A lot of the things he is saying sound like excuses and rationalizations to me. ...

So I pray that a man of God will talk to your husband and encourage him to grow up and accept his responsibilities as a man, husband and father. How can he possibly serve as a youth pastor if he does not understand how to be a Godly man and father, and how to model it for a young, impressionable flock?"


mbriga01,

I hate to bring this up, but is it possible that your husband is having an affair? Even though he is at a Christian college, it can still happen.

Or is this spiritual and emotional immaturity? If so, he seems to be strongly resisting what God is telling him.

[km]

A man who doesn't believe in the truth of the Bible, and thinks that his own individual happiness is the paramount concern is a pathetic excuse for a believer and should not be allowed in any sort of position of leadership in any church. That attitude is quintessentially immature from a spiritual standpoint.

He is giving you a line of crap to deflect his failures onto you. I would invite you to share my couple of comments here with him - and I would challenge him to contact me (use the personal messaging feature here and we can then correspond directly by email).

I will make the assertion that he will not not find himself to be intellectually superior to me, I am certain (from what you've related) that he will not have superior Scriptural knowledge, and I have several decades of life experience on him. I suspect he will not have the nerve to take up my challenge though (because at some level he knows he is full of baloney here).

[SAM]

I want to remind everyone that we only know one side of the story here, while understandably disturbing.

So, to all our brothers and sisters in Christ who are misled in their beliefs about marriage and personal happiness, we need to give the benefit of the doubt that there is another side to the story.

We are all blinded to our own personal sin, shortfalls, and selfishness to some point in our lives - unfortunately. It is much easier to point the finger away from ourselves and toward the person we should love the most - our spouse. Adam and Eve did it.... and we continue to do it to this day.

What we need to earnestly do is, pray for this marriage and for the little blessing that is about to enter this world. Let's pray that the miracle of life does a miracle in the heart of this man.

[km]

SAM - Quite true, and that is why I invited direct contact with him. He can present his side (and confirm, contradict or spin what we've been told so far). I would really like to hear from him.

[mbriga01]

I pray that God will bring people into his life, that will cross his path, with the truth of God's word. That his heart will be convicted that this is not God's direction for his life, but of his own choosing, and a selfish heart.

Do you have a trust Christian friend or pastor you can speak to about this?
Someone other than a family member?

I'm glad that he has our counselor and a pastor friend that he can talk to, who he trusts and feels comfortable talking to. I believe that only when he is ready to begin mending himself and working through his problems will he understand and be open to God's love and healing. I do have a christian friend and a pastor, both of whom I can speak to. And I speak with our counselor in individual counseling. We're working through this, although it has gotten horribly worse this week. I'll make a separate post about that though, after responding to your posts.

[mbriga01]

Yes, indeed. You are only hearing his side. And for now, he will not be interested in posting and speaking with anyone, and I know this based on our counseling session this past Monday. He is openly self-destructive and has no respect or care for what happens to him. He is seemingly nearing rock-bottom. He doesn't care about the consequences of his actions or what happens to him at all. He has no self-respect. He doesn't care about anyone right now. He has openly admitted to having been unfaithful to me with another woman, twice. Our counselor has determined that based on his past and present actions and his history, he is a womanizer. What my intentions are to do now is to stay, and try to be supportive of his actions towards recovery in the future. We still have until October to see what happens, and we'll stay in counseling individually and see what progress we can make. I still hope that by October of next year that he is in a place where he can be better to himself and our daughter, and when that time comes we can see where our relationship lies. If anyone has experience with a men being addicted to the emotions of other women and manipulating them for their enjoyment, please let me know about your experience and how recovery works. I would like to know what I can expect and what I can/should do. In the mean time I'm going to take care of myself and our daughter as my main focus and help him as I can.

[km]

With that sort of set of admissions, he should not be in a ministry position - he should be working on restoration of himself with God.

[rdsmith3]

Again, I am really sorry you are going through this.

You mentioned that he was on meds. I don't want to be intrusive, but may I ask what he is on medication for?

Also, have you noticed that he is a person who has trouble telling the truth? Are the revelations from Monday -- that he is a womanizer who enjoys manipulating women -- a complete surprise to you?

I don't want to play psychologist, but it seems like he is a person who deep inside really does not like himself. Perhaps he is afraid that you will see him as he really is, or as he thinks he is, and that is one reason why he is running from you. He may also not know how to be in an intimate relationship with someone.

With many (most? all?) men, we have a lot of masks we wear -- husband, father, employee, boss, etc. -- but we do not show who we really are on the inside. We don't want to disappoint our wives and kids, to show that we have fears and doubts; to show that we are vulnerable; to show that we have dark and sinful thoughts.

Love your husband, but don't hesitate to make it tough love. He needs to know that there are boundaries of acceptable behavior for a Christian man, and that he has responsibilities as a man, husband and father.

I pray for your marriage.

[SAM]

Sexual addiction may be a consideration. Based on how you have described his behavior and comments, the affair is not a surprise.

There is an awesome ministry that may be helpful to you and your husband called www.faithfulandtrueministries.com

Debra Laaser has a new book out that I have been reading this week called Shattered Vows, which is awesome and would be extremely helpful to you.

Stand strong, and I will keep praying for you and your marriage, and your husband. There will be many ups and downs to this journey.

[mbriga01]

He was on zoloft for depression, but he's stopped taking it. No worries on the psychologist stuff, I'm scrounging for better understanding and I'm glad to have so many responses. As for his trouble telling the truth, I've experienced it a few times and asked him about it, and it was trivial things and his excuse was that he wanted to seem more interesting. And at that time the lies weren't to me. I never realized that what he was doing was womanizing, and I knew that he claimed that he always made the women fall for him in his past relationships and that in the end they would fall out of love with him and leave him and he was tired of that, that he wanted to be loved but that he loved controlling the emotions of others. And I told him he wasn't controlling mine, which is true. And now it seems he's trying to do that again. I know he doesn't like himself. He also admitted monday to not caring what happens to him and that he doesn't like what he is doing and knows it is wrong but he can't stop himself. It seems he wants to be caught and held accountable, but I'm not sure how to do that yet. My current plan is to keep an eye out for his new interests and to let them know what he's doing. I'm forming a friendship with the girl he slept with because I helped her to understand what she was really in for and he left her. Now we're getting together to let the new women know. This should help stop his actions. As for my seeing who he really is, he's afraid of ANYONE seeing the real him, which is why he's still playing with other women. I am definitely making this tough love. I am not giving up on him, and in the end we'll either start patching our marriage back together and I'll be helping him overcome these issues, or he'll still leave and I'll at least know I did my best to help him.