Growthtrac Community

[mbriga01]

I am 7 months pregnant, and my husband of nearly 2 years asked for divorce last month. We talked through some things and he agreed to try marriage counseling for one year, however he is convinced that it will not help and has been withdrawing ever further from me since. We've made some progress in counseling as to what the real root of the problem is, though he initially stated that he no longer felt any connection or chemistry with me, and that there is no depth in our conversation. I am afraid that although we are now working on the friendship aspect of our relationship and he has agreed to start coming home from time to time, that all he will want is the friendship and that he will encounter temptations while away at college. Let me provide some background information for you:

My husband is away at a christian college, pursuing a degree in Youth Ministry. Almost all of his friends are female, and I've never had an issue with this as he's never had a male figure in his life (only child, no father) and I understand that he connects better with women. I typically connect better with men, and we trust one another. But now I am afraid not that he will do anything with his girl friends, but that he will replace me with one of them and not return to our marriage. I'm not sure that without any more background information that anyone can truly advise me, but I mostly wanted to vent. I know we've made progress, thank God. In my heart I feel we'll be okay come next year. However, I'm deeply afraid that despite how much he wants our daughter and how much he wants to be a father, that he won't come back. I'm so lonely for my husband...I am so deeply in love with him and it's so hard to hold back the intensity of that love while he figures out what's going on with him emotionally. That's what this whole situation is really, him finally allowing himself to feel and working through past emotional trauma. I support him in his recovery, but I wish he would put more into fixing our marriage instead of focusing on his belief that divorce will solve his problems and that he can't possibly love me.

[SAM]

Welcome. We are glad to have you with us at GT Community, but so very sorry it is under these circumstances.

Is there a way for you to be together while he finishes school?

[mbriga01]

Only on the weekends is it possible for him, as he is overwhelmed with schoolwork during the week. I can't be with him every weekend because I work every other weekend at my job at the hospital. Once our daughter is born, he's promised to be home in the evenings to help care for her. Honestly, him having a place to go while we work through this is a good thing...he has personal space to try and deal with his emotional issues, and it would be more hurtful for him to sleep on the couch upstairs and not be with me. Once the holidays come though, it will be good to see if we've made any real progress as a couple in our counseling.

[SAM]

Do you believe some of these issues may be due to you being apart all week long? How will this work out for you once the baby comes?

I am only looking at this through the world of the internet and typing things out, so it is rather difficult to see the full picture of what your relationship is going through. But, he has the opportunity to live the single life while away at school, without responsibility. Coming home to a wife and child slams him back into reality, which for a young man can be extremely frightening.

So, for the long term health of your marriage, and having him play an active role in the life of your child once it arrives, do you think it would be something to consider living together while he finishes school?

My husband once traveled five days a week early in our marriage, before and after the birth of our first daughter. In the same respect, it seems your husband travels back and forth to school and is gone throughout the week. It is a sacrifice to get him through school for your future as a family, but what will it cost you if you and your child are apart from him?
I can only tell you from my own marriage, that it was a very difficult time for us and we almost lost our marriage. I guess I look at it as the same concept, just different work places.

Also, once married, I am a firm believer that there is no longer room for "girl friends" or "boy friends" in a married person's life. Except, if the phone conversations or e-mails are openly shared with the spouse, and with social functions the spouse is present. A married person and a single friend should not be going out together on their own. This is a protective boundary (hedge) that my husband and I put around our marriage to avoid the appearance of sin, and to protect ourselves emotionally. Your marriage in vulnerable right now, and there is a real possibility that emotional sharing or attachment to one of the "girl friends" could occur. This is called an emotional affair.

[mbriga01]

The reason my husband moved away for school is that he needs to be submerged in a scholastic environment in order to do well in school. He tried going to school and coming home and failed because he couldn't focus on his studies while being home. We agreed that this would get worse once the baby comes so I agreed that he should have the dormitory as a study hall. The original agreement was that he would come home after school every day. Now that our marriage is enduring this, for a while he chose not to come home at all. After a few sessions of counseling, he has agreed to come home on the weekends that I have off from school. Right now we are focusing on the friendship aspect of our marriage, and he still can't see another end for us but divorce, but I believe that by strengthening our friendship, it should help the foundation of our marriage and he should feel more connected to me and our family. I think that this is one of the pathways to restoring our marriage and I'm glad we've reached this point. I fully understand that he gets to live a "single life" while away at school, but I am also thankful that since it's a christian college and I've seen how much reprimand he's gotten for his actions at school and everyone knows he's married, I do not foresee any affairs occurring in this environment. He is very excited about our baby and being a father, but due to his emotional issues he's still wary about our marriage. He is finally coping with some issues from his past and finally dealing with the emotional aspects of it, and it's really taking a toll on the both of us, as well as our marriage. I don't doubt that he's afraid and also that seeing his friends and their freedom while he is about to be a father, our financial situation is less than ideal, and he has a lot more responsibility than they do is making him a bit jealous. He's promised to be home every night once our baby is born so he can help take care of her, but for the time being it seems that his having space is a good thing. I do wish he would come home, but if I push any harder I'm afraid I will undo some of the progress we've accomplished so far and back him into a corner. It's only been a little over a month since he asked for divorce, so I'm not expecting miracles just yet. And ideally, if he moves back home I'd like it to be his choice. Not because I forced him to. My husband does not travel back and forth to school, by the way. He lives in a dorm on campus. I hope that once our daughter is born, he will choose to be home more to be with her, and as we continue to work on our friendship our bond will grow and he'll want to be with me too. I have no issue with my husband having friends, as I also have friends. We also have couples friends. He's never really had friends before because he wasn't emotionally available to the idea of relationships. Right now, he's diving head first into friendships to hide from the pain and lonliness he's feeling. I understand it's an emotional affair, and I don't agree with it or accept it, but it's an issue we're working on in counseling and I intend to forgive him for his mistakes once we're back on track with our relationship. I don't really have any footing to do more than tell him how his actions make me feel. We are pretty much separated in his eyes and I can't force him to do anything. But through our counseling we will continue to make progress and things will get better. The already are headed in a good direction and I just pray that God will continue to work with his heart and make him see exactly what he's putting myself and our daughter through. I appreciate your responding to my post. Your input has been helpful!

[SAM]

I will pray for you and your marriage and your child. Please know there are other people here who are also more than willing to lift your marriage up in prayer.

[rdsmith3]

I am really sorry you are going through this, and I will pray for your marriage.

First, it is of course very ironic that he is studying to be a youth minister at a Christian school while saying he wants a divorce. I pray that God opens his eyes to the conflict between what he is learning and what he is doing.

Second, I am guessing that he feels very overwhelmed and inadequate at the moment. His response is to run. Divorce looks like an option. I can tell him from personal experience that divorce is one of the most miserable experiences a person can go through, even if it is for justifiable reasons. It is emotionally draining. It is incredibly expensive (he will be paying alimony for many years and child support for perhaps 18 more years). Most of all, it breaks up something that God does not want broken.

A lot of the things he is saying sound like excuses and rationalizations to me. Many, many people have had to work full time, go to school at night, and deal with babies at home, or some variation of that. Many single parents (I was one for a while) have to juggle working and parenting, both full time.

So I pray that a man of God will talk to your husband and encourage him to grow up and accept his responsibilities as a man, husband and father. How can he possibly serve as a youth pastor if he does not understand how to be a Godly man and father, and how to model it for a young, impressionable flock?

[mbriga01]

I agree about the irony between the path he's choosing and the choices he's making. I, his mother and our counselor (as well as others, I'm sure) have pointed this out, and he just shuts down. I know he's aware of the conflict but he still holds the position that his happiness is important. I don't think he's seen another pathway to his happiness yet so he's rationalizing and being single-minded. I believe you're right...I'm sure he feels very overwhelmed and inadequate in our current situation, and he is running hard. I pray dearly that he stays... I've been keeping a journal of the many things I want to say to him and to keep a log of our progress. I need him so badly and I want him to know, but I'm afraid that if I tell him he'll feel cornered and I'll undo what progress we've already made. He likes our counselor and is beginning to open up to him. My husband is aware of his responsibilities, but at the moment he feels that since he does not feel a connection with me, that's excuse enough to run away. I don't doubt that in time we can work together and be a happy couple, and I know he'll come around. It just hurts a lot right now. And he is king of excuses and rationalization. I hope he gets back on his meds and he loves his daughter enough to work on things with me. I am 7 months pregnant and exhausted, I work and go to school and am trying to do my best to afford this wonderful child on my own. He works 6 hours a week and goes to school and has no time for me.
I agree that I hope he will come around and be a better example for youth as he is pursuing this path.

[rdsmith3]

I can only imagine how hard this is for you while you are pregnant. I pray also that God will provide for you emotionally and financially, and I pray that you will be able to totally trust Him in this situation.

[mbriga01]

I appreciate your support. Please keep my husband and I in your prayers. We have a counseling session tonight.

[mbriga01]

Last night at counseling, my husband and i had a great conversation. We ended up having dinner together after, and we discussed that his biggest issue with allowing himself to feel a part of our marriage again is that he doesn't feel worthy of being married to me. He is so insecure, and I see that he tries to validate himself through other people all the time. I think it's because he has never had a father or father-figure in his life and questions his ability as a man, husband and father. He really seems to need approval...and I pray that God gives me the words to encourage him. I do believe that once our daughter is born, the fact that I have no doubt he'll handle her well and be an excellent father will give him confidence. He said he can foresee remaining married to me, which is excellent. And I am just so happy that we have made this progress!

[SAM]

Yeah God!

Seems like progress is being made.

We will definitely keep praying for you.

[mbriga01]

Thank you! I appreciate it!

[mbriga01]

My husband came home for the weekend and we had a great time, except he told me the reason he feels the way he does is that he just doesn't view me the way he used to. He doesn't view me as his mate...because he just doesn't feel the intellectual stimulation from me that he needs. I asked him why he can't get the fulfillment he needs from friendships and from outside sources and he says that the fulfillment he needs has to come from me, and that despite the fact that I'm very, very smart, the kind of stimulation he needs comes from wisdom and depth and he just doesn't get that from me. What can I do? Is there any way we can overcome this, other than prayer?

[km]

At his age, he doesn't have wisdom or depth (yet) either.

Remind him that you two are supposed to be on that journey together, both gaining wisdom and depth from those further along in the walks of life and faith.