Growthtrac Community

[wgodsusy]

Hi all,

I'm in need of some advice.
I had been cohabiting with my future husband for 1yr and a half. But for the past 6months we have been living seperate due to unfortunate events between us. We have a child together and one on the way. We have been low on contact for the past 2 1/2months, meaning no communication what so ever. But a couple of days ago we started talking about our future and if we are to be together the right way- God's way then where are we to get started. Our intentions are to be a Godly united family. As you can imagine after one too many seperations we want to make our decision a permanent one, which ever way it may be that God wants to take us.
But we are both scared of trying again, thats why I have been in much prayer about our situation and so has he.

This is where we are "stuck". We don't know how to get started, meaning, how to come up with a plan that we can both work with. Without making vague promises, we need something that can get us on our feet.
We've tried counseling, but that wasn't a pleasant visit for either one of us. He says we need to work on us with each other and that's why I came here. Before considering getting married, we need to resolve some underlying issues, that's our common goal.

Anyone with past experiments that turned out worth the effort, I need your help and prayer!!

Thanks
Susy

[babycakes]

Before considering getting married, we need to resolve some underlying issues, that's our common goal.

Proverbs has a lot to say about seeking wise counsel -

We've tried counseling, but that wasn't a pleasant visit for either one of us.

It's important to take an honest look at why counseling didn't work. Sometimes it's the counselor - it may take trying another one. But more often that not it has to do with the condition of our hearts and an unwillingness to learn and see our sinful behavior for what it is. It's not easy for someone else to hold a mirror up to us and confront us truthfully with what they see. From an old post, I recall you mentioning that your boyfriend has difficulty with feeling he knows more biblically than others (maybe I'm wrong- so please let me know), but that has a lot to do with pride.

Seek another counselor, or seek a marriage mentor or seek out premarital counseling. The dividends to your relationship will be worth it.
And you need these people to continue to walk with you after marriage too. Also, Growthtrac now offers a couple checkup - which is wonderful!!!! My husband and I took the one for married couples and there is one for pre-married and dating too. http://www.growthtrac.com/checkup/

Proverbs 1:5
Let the wise listen and add to their learning, and let the discerning get guidance-

Proverbs 8:33
Listen to my instruction and be wise; do not ignore it.

Proverbs 12:15
The way of a fool seems right to him, but a wise man listens to advice.

Proverbs 15:12 (MSG)
Know-it-alls don't like being told what to do; they avoid the company of wise men and women.

Proverbs 15:31
He who listens to a life-giving rebuke will be at home among the wise.

Proverbs 19:20
Listen to advice and accept instruction, and in the end you will be wise.

You seem to have had a really bumpy road with this relationship. Take your time, seek advice and add tools to your marriage toolbox. You'll need to pull them out and use them throughout your marriage. The more tools you have, the better off you are!

[wgodsusy]

We have been really selfish on both parts --> he doesn't do what I say, then neither will I do what he says. that kind of attitude got us seperated and fed up with each other. Its true that it has been a REALLY bumpy ride, but when I pray about it, I can hear: Don't give up. And when I put it to the test, I hear it some where else, in scripture, a fellow church friend. So it makes it clearer that its not just me telling myself.

I know that God has a purpose for everything and his word teaches us that sometimes we have to be put through fire in order for God to take us where he needs us to be.

As far as the counceling, it was the pastor. It wasn't a productive session, no advice was given, other than you need to be married. We said no way, we can't when we have a bag full of doubts about it on our backs.
On the up side, we are willing to seek new counsel so we're already on the process of finding one. We just don't know what to expect....

It's not easy for someone else to hold a mirror up to us and confront us truthfully with what they see

This is our purpose for counseling, we need to know why we have endless conversations but still we get no where, no plan, guidance to move forward. I need someone he's willing to listen to interpret what I'm trying to say and vice versa.

We have given ourselves a year time to find a way to make things work for the benefit of us all. We are at the 6month mark, that's why we've taken the break we needed from the turmoil to seek God's guidance in both of our lives on an individual level. But where do we go from here. Getting started on a plan as far as what we want to accomplish by our 1year mark is what is difficult. . . .

[SAM]

There is a great exercise we use with the couple we mentor -

We have them make a list of 10-15 expections and then 10-15 concerns.
This can cover a variety of topics from family, to jobs, to holidays, to chores, to paying bills, to growing in God together.

Another great excercise is listing 3-5 things that you want your partner to do for you more often.

As for your communication issues - just read a great book called
* the Communication Code by Emmerson Eggerichs. Also Gary Chapman author of the Five Love Languages (another great book) has two new books out that are short and sweet - one is called Everybody Wins: The Chapman Guide to Solving Conflicts Without Arguing and the other is Home Improvements: The Chapman Guide to Negotiating Change With Your Spouse.

Lastly there is a wonderful book by Les and Leslie Parrot called Savings Your Marriage Before It Starts:Seven Questions to Ask Before You Marry.

Reading is not necessarily the solution, but it can provide you with great insite and expertise from the experts in marriage. Thing is - you both have to be willing to pick them up and read them.

I agree with Babycakes - seek out another counselor. It is well worth the expense and time to seek out help for your relationship. Better to work on it now, than later. And for the sake of your children to be as healthy and whole individually and together as you can - including spiritual wholeness too.