Growthtrac Community

[Cherished_Poet]

My boyfriend of 4 years and I feel as though we are prepared to get married, and even though we have just recently turned 18, we have both prayed and feel at peace with the decsion. However, so many people we've discussed this with are against us getting married because we have not had any other serious relationships! We realize allot of people look down at teenagers getting married because they feel as though they are not mature enough or have not had enough experience in life to make any wise choices, much less be strong enough spiritually to enter into such a sacred covenent. And as naive as this may sound, we feel as though we are. We have grown up in the church, we love the Lord with all of our hearts, and we want to spend the rest of our lives serving him together. We have been best friends since we were 8, and over the years have discussed marriage to the finest detail. Our only problem at the moment now though is how to deal with peoples dissaproval. We are at peace with our choice, but somehow feel like we have to prove ourselves to everyone. Any advice for us and how to proceed?

God Bless,
Amy

[webacus]

Hi Amy
Welcome and thanks for posting.

I'm glad you're seeking advice—
Marriage is a huge step.

I'm sure the "disapprovals" are friends & family
looking out for your best interest. I'm guessing
these are people older than you who've
"been there" and want to protect you.

You may not see it now, but there's a vast difference
between an 18 year old and say, a 25 year old.
In the next few years, you will grow and experience
things that will mold you and mature you in to
a new person. Things will be very different in
a few years. You will know yourself much better and
your opinions, confidence, and values will be stronger.

That said, you need to know if you get married now, statistically
there is a very high chance of failure.

Check out this Growthtrac blog post:
http://inside.growthtrac.com/inside/200 ... at_re.html

Now, you could be an exception.

You guys have discussed and thought this through and
you do show maturity for your age. That is to your advantage.

But... The odds are against you.

Here's some suggestions/questions:

Do you both attend a church? Is there a pre-marriage program?
If not, perhaps there is another local church that has such a
program.

By "program" I mean: mentoring, marriage classes,
financial workshop, etc.

Get enrolled not as an "engaged couple", but with the
idea of learning and understanding your strengths &
growth areas.

A mentor couple can help give you a "reality check"
on expectations, finances, children, conflict resolution,
communication — and things you haven't thought of.

All of this will provide practical tools for your relationship
and give you a "heads up" on what to expect.

As hard as it is, try to slow down a bit and listen to the objections.
Maybe schedule a Starbucks with a few of these people. A one-on-one
will help you both express your views — and you might come away
seeing some things differently.

Overall, I would say take it slow.

Marriage is awesome. But you are inviting some very difficult
challenges if you plunge into marriage now.

Make sense?
.

[SAM]

I was married at the age of 19 and my husband was 20 after five years of dating.

We didn't do any of the upfront work in preparing ourselves for marriage with some of the suggestions Webacus makes for classes, counseling, mentoring, financial stuff.

We winged it. We didn't have the skills behind us that were necessary for a successful relationship. Our communication and conflict resolution skills were less than desirable.

So, all that said, we ended up in counseling after marriage a couple of times to work out all the stuff we didn't deal with before we got married. Believe me it's easier before marriage than after.

You would show your family and friends your level of mature decision making if you invested the next 3 to 6 months doing the pre-marriage work. I think you would see a huge amount of respect from those wanting to support you.

We all want to plan for a wedding day but fail to plan for a marriage that is supposed to last a lifetime.

[Cherished_Poet]

We were both raised and highly involved in an Assemblies of God church (we met in Sunday School as children), and are members. We realize that people do the most changing before the age of 25 - and that the divorce rate is nearly 75%. But we are not going into this thinking that 'our love will conquer all', and that 'we don't need anyones help'. We know its going to be difficult - but we want to do this together. For us, marriage is making the ultimate commitment, not just to each other, but to serve God as one. I love this man, and I know I want to spend the rest of my life by his side. I know we might have changed in the next 5 years...but we know that as long as we put God first, and each other second, that it'll build a good foundation. We have the same goals, and we are stable finacially (he's been working full time as an electrition for over a year, and I've been working part time in a child-care center). I know we are facing the odds. But others who have come out on top have faced them at one point too.
As for listening to others objections, we have done so. We have tried to rationalize how we feel, and to point out what we agree with in their arguments. But when it comes down to it, everyone would be fine with us getting married - if it wasn't for our age. How do handle that - to be told that, yes, you make a good couple, and that I have no problems with your marriage - except that you are both 18? We don't plan on actually getting married for at least another year - for the past couple years now, when people brought up us getting married, we would always reply with how we dont want to get married at 18. We do want to experience our independance as adults - just together.
It's just, we don't know how to handle peoples reactions. We understand that they want whats best for us...

[SAM]

You can say, "thank you for your advice, we'll take it under consideration".

As for some of the great advice Webacus through out there on classes, mentoring or counseling - you didn't really comment on the wisdom in these words. What are your thoughts on working through conflict resolution skills, communication, goals, roles, parenting - talking about family of origin and sexual expectations, etc.??

Unmet expectations usually trips up many young marriages. It was a huge factor in my unhappiness early in our marriage.

[Cherished_Poet]

Thank you so much for your advice, both Webacus and Sam. To be honest, we are both very private and personal people. When it comes to talking ubout our problems and how we feel, we have no problem saying it to each other - but when it comes to discussing things it in front of friends and even family (much less complete strangers), it's difficult . We have a great relationship with our pastor - he's helped us sepreatly in spiritual matters, but the thought of going to him to discuss our relationship is, to be honest, itimidating. It has nothing to do with feeling ashamed or insecure, but much rather, we'd rather just talk it out between ourselves. We both have close friends of the same gender that we turn to confide in, but thats because years of trust has earned that.
We both have disscussed how to get over our privacy issues, but we have yet to come up with any solutions - and we would like to find a way to do so sooner rather then later.
Any advice on how to do that?

[SAM]

If there is one thing I've learned about my marriage - I can't do it alone without community and support from other Christians who carry greater marital wisdom that I have.

They have been there to support and lift up and pray for us in the good times and the bad times. They've been there to give us a good swift kick in the behind when we've needed it and to hold us accountable for what they see needs improvement. Our marriage would not have survived without them.

Others see your relationship must differently than you do and it's important to learn what your strength and growth areas are. We don't always see what our growth areas are and aren't willing to take an honest look at what needs tweaking. If we're going to grow and mature in our relationship - we have to be willing to look at the bad along with the good.

So, whose marriage do you know that you respect and trust and know that they are Godly people who are not related to you??? When it comes to having struggles, and I can guarantee you will have them, who will you turn to? Family and friends don't always have the marital maturity or Godly wisdom.... and you don't want to necessarily let them know when your in a place of tension. It's really bad to let mom, dad, brother or sister or even grandma know because they will think less positively about your husband and will take your side - even if you are wrong in your perception of your relationship trials.

[webacus]

Amy

When it comes to talking ubout our problems and how we feel, we have no problem saying it to each other - but when it comes to discussing things it in front of friends and even family (much less complete strangers), it's difficult .

The key to marriage prep is getting real with others. If you're uncomfortable being vulnerable
with people you know (pastor), then I suggest you partner with someone (mentor couple or counselor) you don't know.

That might give you a better comfort level and would get you all
started on neutral ground.

Either way, if you want to get the best start possible,
you need to do the pre-marriage work.

See if you can identify a couple who's marriage you respect.
Consider building a relationship with that couple and gradually
using them as a sounding board down the road. This kind of
relationship will be vital to your marriage. You will
need these friends. Of course, over time, you need
to get comfortable sharing stuff with them.

but we know that as long as we put God first, and each other second, that it'll build a good foundation

True, but God certainly doesn't want you to jump into this unprepared or with
unrealistic expectations, resulting in unnecessary hardship.
He may be speaking to you through these people in your
lives

Another blog post for you to check out:
http://inside.growthtrac.com/inside/200 ... _educ.html

And, have you seen the GT pre-marriage page?
http://www.growthtrac.com/premarried/

Many great resources here...