Growthtrac Community

[Buzz]

Do you think it is necessary to feel "in love" before getting married?

[webacus]

Hey there. Sorry for the delayed response.

Are you asking if it's okay to not be in love--
and get married to that person?

[Buzz]

Thank you for your reply. Yes, that is what I am asking. Is it necessary to feel that "I'm in love" feeling before marrying someone?

[webacus]

Buzz
What is the "I'm in Love" feeling.
Please describe.

[beverly]

i am assuming that being in love feeling is the feeling where we miss the person everyday, there is joy in his company, and that we feel committed to this person.

i think that is necessary for marriage.

for what is the purpose of marriying someone if you are not in love with him?



p.s.

it's been a long time since i last visited growthtrac.. i miss everyone here.

[webacus]

Beverly, welcome back

[beverly]

thank you.. i'm so busy catching up with the growthtrac site and browsing thru the articles

[Esgee]

Hmmmm...I've asked myself that question several times but a slightly different version.

I ask: when that 'in love' feeling leaves after a few years of marriage what can you do to bring it back? How do you know you are 'IN LOVE' in the first place? What exactly does being 'in love' connote?

I ask that because I have been on some sort of emotional roller coaster this year that right now what I feel for my husband is not the fire I thought I once felt but more like a feeling of fondness and controlled affection. Is that what it should be? Help me out, fellow Growthtac-ers!!!

[SAM]

Sorry, I did not see your post here through the holidays.

If we base love on our feelings (emotions), our emotions often fail us. Unfortunately, too many marriages fail based on feelings rather than making a daily choice to love. Love is a verb (actually I think there's a book by Gary Chapman with that title.)

Those little "skip a heartbeat" moments come and go over a lifetime of marriage. When you can look across a room and say to yourself, "That man is still mine," means a lot. Or, whatever the moment - a smile or a touch and your heart skips a beat. For many couples, this takes effort to remember to do things together that create fun. Fun is what brought you together, and it's what will keep you together.

I am in a place of comfort and deep satisfaction in my marriage. The knock your socks off moments still show up from time to time (makes you appreciate them more), but not like when we first married. To be honest, I wouldn't want to go back to that place - we've grown too much with God as our guide. While things were defintely more heated in the bedroom (being 19 & 20 helped), things were also more heated when it came to communication and conflict.

Fondness is a great thing, but I would be concerned about controlled affection. What does controlled affection look and feel like?

[km]

The initial rush of intoxication sort of feeling is infatuation (or obsession) - not love. You may not get that back (and good thing that - it is unhealthy for you and the relationship). Love is subtler than that.

[Esgee]

Controlled affection would be akin to...well, basically acting. Like, I dont feel anything in me but I will hug and kiss and even have sex but no 'fluttery' feelings accompany it. Its like: if I do it enough that way it will seep into me and I'll start to feel it.

[km]

"Controlled affection" does indicate some actual affection, doesn't it? As does "fondness". After some years, the giddy schoolgirl insanity will be gone.

Pure acting is not good - and not really "love" in a marital sense. No matter how bad things ever were with my wife over the years, I have always had genuine feelings of affection for her (even at my angriest or most disapointed).

As a man, I'm probably not suited to opine on how much "fluttery" you ought to have.

[SAM]

Do you think you should have fluttery feelings all the time? Do you consider that to be a realistic expectation of marriage?

If the roles were reversed and your husband was the one who was... akin to acting, how would that make you feel?

When you hug, or kiss, or have sex - is there any affection or care for the man God has given you as a gift? Are there any feelings of gratitude to God for the husband he has provided you with? Or, do you find yourself in anger or indifference mode?

I'm asking these questions for a specific reason, because they will reveal a lot about the place you are in.

[Esgee]

No, I dont think its a realistic expectation of marriage- but I do feel such feelings should happen at least some of the time. I guess I wouldn't feel happy if my husband felt or acted that way toward me.

When we kiss, hug, etc I do sometimes feel those feelings but because I am the one who initiates those types of things most of the time after a while I get tired of trying to 'keep the romance alive' that it almost becomes like play acting. Then I tend to switch to anger or indifference mode. I've carried so much anger in me for a while that it has crept into the marriage and that's when the play acting takes full force. We have our good times (like where we are right now)but then something happens and the anger comes back and its like we are back at square one again.

I'm not trying to cast blame on hubby here- I realize its my problem on how I choose to deal with situtations and attitudes. I have had to make some decisions in the last week or so over where I want this marriage to go cos I may not be able to change the situation/circumstances but I have to submit my anger to GOD- and boy, has that been hard!So many times I find myself fuming that he should be grateful to GOD for ME rather than vice versa...

I've spent most of the year angry and resentful at hubby and I suppose thats unfair. I've wanted a fairy tale and got annoyed when I didnt get it.

I've just read over this post...and I don't think I like what I see...in myself, what I've allowed myself to become. Oh dear.

[SAM]

When a husband is met with criticism and anger from his wife, he is more than likely to stop trying. It has a lot to do with how he feels respected.

You've admitted that from time-to-time the flutter returns, which means those are the memories and times you hang onto.
That is where you make a choice and action to love your husband.

The rest comes down to your intimacy and connection with God. When I have distanced myself from God, it depletes my ability to love, which means it dimishes my human ability to love my husband.