Growthtrac Community

[kbear01]

I am very confused. I got married a little less than 6 months ago, and I'm already having doubts about my decision. My husband is an absolutely wonderful man. He is loving, patient, affectionate, and loves God. He is smart, faithful, and dedicated to our relationship.

So, the problem must be me. I just feel so dissatisfied, bored, and restless. I am an extrovert; he is an introvert. I am the wilder, more adventurous one; he is steady and calm. I have always struggled with a restlessness in my soul and difficulty being satisfied in many aspects of my life. I am also extremely independent and have always had my own space. I have never been fully committed to any man before this marriage. I didn't think I'd be married before I was 30, but I'm barely 24.

It's really hard for me. A lot of times, I want my own life back, I want to be single again. I see many newlyweds who are happy and excited, and I wish I felt that way. I mostly feel a loss of myself, my identity, and my freedom.

What should I do? I am in counseling with a wonderful Christian counselor because I want to work this out. I would really love some advice from some seasoned Christian couples. Is this normal? Did I do the right thing? What do I do now?

[babycakes]

Welcome - we're glad you found GT.

It's not unusual to discover after several months/years of marriage that your expectations for what marriage was going to be like, isn't anything like what it is. Making comparison to other couples, does nothing to improve the situation. You don't know what goes on behind closed doors.

What did you expect from marriage? Why isn't that lining up? Did you think it would be more fun and more spontaneous? Did you think you could still do everything you used to do with no questioning from your husband? I'm just asking questions - not being accusatory.

It's good that you are seeing a counselor. How long have you been doing so? Do you think it is helping?

I have always struggled with a restlessness in my soul and difficulty being satisfied in many aspects of my life.

I believe this is more of a struggle with God, than anything else. It could be a desire to control, instead of allowing God to guide you and provide what it better for you that you know yourself. Just a thought...

Some scripture that I thought might be helpful -

Romans 8:5-8 (The Message)
Those who think they can do it on their own end up obsessed with measuring their own moral muscle but never get around to exercising it in real life. Those who trust God's action in them find that God's Spirit is in them—living and breathing God! Obsession with self in these matters is a dead end; attention to God leads us out into the open, into a spacious, free life. Focusing on the self is the opposite of focusing on God. Anyone completely absorbed in self ignores God, ends up thinking more about self than God. That person ignores who God is and what he is doing. And God isn't pleased at being ignored.

Galatians 5:16-18 (The Message)
My counsel is this: Live freely, animated and motivated by God's Spirit. Then you won't feed the compulsions of selfishness. For there is a root of sinful self-interest in us that is at odds with a free spirit, just as the free spirit is incompatible with selfishness. These two ways of life are antithetical, so that you cannot live at times one way and at times another way according to how you feel on any given day. Why don't you choose to be led by the Spirit and so escape the erratic compulsions of a law-dominated existence?


It's OK once you're married to still see friends and go out with them once a week. It's good to plan date nights where you can each choose what you would like to do for fun and excitement in your relationship. It's even more fun to plan them for each other. Your husband's idea of fun may be staying in, watching a movie and cuddling on the couch. Your idea may be going out for dinner and dancing. Trade off, and do what each of you likes to do.

About 6 months ago, you made a promise to this man to be with him until death in front of family and friends. What does that commitment mean to you? Does it mean until it's not fun anymore? Does it mean until my happiness goes away? Or, does it mean what you said it means - forever and always until death parts you?

[kbear01]

I really appreciate the advice. I think you're probably right on.

I am a pastor's kid, which speaks for itself in some respects. Growing up, my dad was never around. He was building the church or at work (which was church). Even to this day, he is a workaholic, pulling 14 - 16 hour days. He is also very controlling and rigid, and rarely affectionate. I was also sent to very legalistic Christian schools that were more concerned with dress codes than people. I had to go to church every Sunday (unless I was very, very sick), and whether he meant it or not, I was raised feeling that to be a "good" Christian you could only do things one way -- my dad's way. I still struggle with guilt at being a "bad" Christian because I don't read my Bible daily or go to church 52 weeks a year, so then I just forget the whole thing. Totally illogical, but it's the way I've worked. I have even stopped going to my dad's church as of this past month because it seems to make me feel more and more detached from Christianity and reinforce my negative image of God. My husband and I are going to check out some churches around our area.

I was the "perfect kid" until I was 12 or 13. Then I went out of control and rebelled for several years. I am "back to normal" now as far as the rebellious stuff goes, but I really have no spiritual life. All these issues have come up since I've been married in spite of me going through 6 months of personal counseling and 4 months of premarital counseling (funny how marriage does that).

I see God as I see my dad -- rigid, not affectionate, and full of rules and regulations. And I do have control issues. My dad is extremely controlling and regimented, and I never saw trust in God (or anyone else, I guess) modeled for me. (I am not blaming my dad for my issues -- I am just giving background info). And with being forced into so much church and "Christian" stuff so early on, and having my dad as my pastor for my entire life, it's hard for me to rework my image of God as loving, kind, and concerned.

I also struggle with issues with sexuality. I was very promiscuous during my wild years (which I am definitely not proud of), and now I have almost zero sexual desire, and I feel that certain things are "dirty" even in marriage though they're nothing out of the ordinary or wrong. I think that has to do with the rigidity I was raised with. I think this also has something to do with my view of God. I feel that God's rigid and waiting for me to mess up or do something wrong. I don't equate sex and fun because I think it's wrong in God's eyes or something, like I'm afraid that it's "wrong". (I hope I am not writing anything that is inappropriate -- I am really trying not to!)

I also have a hard time giving myself to my husband in any respect. I fear that I have inadvertently become my father. My dad is an honorable man, but he is so distant. I tend to have a hard time forming and maintaining attachments with other people beyond the surface. I also have a hard time staying attached to my husband -- it's much easier for me to spend little bursts time with him and live my own life and let him live his own life.

This is getting really long, but the bottom line is that I have a lot of other issues that just build on everything else. It's depressing. I feel like I do everything I can to "fix" things, but there's always more to fix. And I think probably a HUGE root of the problem is my view of God and lack of reliance on God. How do I change this? Once again, I am seeing the counselor and left my dad's church to begin to reprogram my view of god. I deeply, deeply appreciate the last letter because it made all the sense in the world. I want to be different . . . I just don't know how right now. Do you know any books to read? Things to do? I'm up for anything.

[snookums]

sounds to me like you have a few different problems - I would definitely agree with you that your picture of God has come through your dad.

A few things come to mind

! don't fell guilty about going to a different church to your parents. It may be just the thing you need to get your relationship with god up and rolling along again.

2. A lot of what some "Christians" say about sex in marriage is just there made up sense of what is right and wrong. Actually if you look in the bible there isn't a whole lot directed at the sex life of married couples.

3. You are in deed opposites from what you have written in your posts and marriage isn't always about right and wrong, it is about compromise and working "together" to keep "all" parties happy with in the marriage.

4. one more thing it is a huge transition time for some of us and confusing etc etc etc. just keep being thatkful for the man you have and regulary thank him for the being the man he is

hope it helps