Growthtrac Community

[MominTX]

Me and my husband have marriage struggles too which doesn't help and we disagree a lot when it comes to disciplinning the kids. I spank the 2 older ones (ages 3 and 5), but only when I feel the kids have crossed the line (like being sassy or not liscening after I told them to do something 3 times. But my husband will get out his belt for the listtlest thing I think. One evening my husband was tired and needed to talk to me about something and he told the kids to play quietly on the floor while we went and talked. Well once we were finished talking, I started making dinner and the kids started playing more loudly, not yelling, but my son was singing sort of loudly. My husband didn't give him any warning, went in there and spanked my son with the belt 3 times and told him to play on the floor quietly. I thought this was too harsh. I could have gone in there and told them to please play quietly and then if my son would have whined or kept up, then I would have spanked him. Then last night before dinner, we were praying and my son wasn't closing his eyes when he prayed and my husband said, "I'm going to smack you if you don't close your eyes" Now he didn't smack him, but I thought saying he was going to smack him was innappropriate and a bit harsh for not closing your eyes when you pray. All I do is if the kids don't close their eyes, I tell them or remind them to and they do it. I'm afraid this is going to scar the kids and sometimes I think it already has because my son says he doesn't want to see daddy because he spanks him and scares him. I've asked why do you want to see me because I spank you too, but my son says it really hurts when daddy spanks me.

[SAM]

A oldie but goodie book by Dr. James Dobson is called Dare to Discipline that I would highly recommend. Also, Heartfelt Discipline, The Gentle Art of Training and Guiding Your Child by Clay Clarkson is good.

Personally, I do not believe in using the belt or spanking randomly. A spanking is deserved when a child has been warned to do something twice. When it is not done, then they are taken aside in their bedroom, they are told why the spanking needs to be done - then they are given hugs and kisses afterward.

Parenting classes are often offered through local hospitals and organizations on discipline. As parents, it's important to be on the same page with this - the kids will pick up on the argument between you and your husband and use it against you.

I'm sure your husband may feel if the belt was good for him, it's good for the kids but I would have to disagree. It's breeds fear, not respect.

[helpmejesus]

I think that spanking is the eay way out. I have 3 boys and I know for a fact I use physical punishment when I am tired or stressed for other reasons. The best thing I found for my 5 year old is a star system. He earns stars for doing as he is asked and spontanious helping and doing the right thing. 20 stars earns him whatever he wants. A new toy, a night out at the movies, a late night with mom and dad watchin movies whatever. He is devistated when he looses those stars for inapropriate behaviour. If hitting is not an option then the whole house becomes calmer and that is a genuine gift from God. Disipline is very important, but disipline without relationship is abuse. If the only interaction a person has with their children is to hit them, then there is a serious problem. Disipline needs to be done with a loving heart not an angry one.

My wife and I strive to only use physical punishment when the wrong doing could have cause more serious harm to the individule child or to some one else. I fail. I have to pray more to have the patience of Job, becasue some days I am just too tired or grouchy to get it into my own head that hitting is not the way. I fail alot. I ask Christ to forgive me.

[greenwidow]

You must act with more maturity than the kids and realize that they are human beings, not robots. They can't be turned on and off. If you don't get a consistent pattern of communication and understanding by the time they are five, you are probably in for a rough ride.

1. The punishment must always fit the crime. If the problem is something to do with being consistently mouthy, you have to find something that reminds them to watch their mouth. My step-sister and I used to argue endlessly. My mother pulled the label off some disgusting vegetable (maybe canned okra) and wrapped it in a new label that said worms. She told us the next time we were ugly to each other, we would consume the ugly can contents, just as our words were ugly. We weren't perfect, but we got the point and the can was never opened.

2. Is this the hill you are going to die on? Is it really that important that a certain behavior doesn't happen. My youngest loves to go barefoot and one March morning with the frost on the yard, she was out turning cartwheels in barefeet. My husband had a fit and was about to have a serious discussion with her when I asked him why it was so important that she have shoes. The natural consequence of barefeet on wet grass at 35 degrees eventually solved itself. Within 10 minutes she had went back in the house and found shoes and had them on till June. If we had warned her and forbade the barefeet, we would have been arguing with her all Spring and having to constantly monitor her comings and goings for foot protection.

3. Let your kids know that it's better to tell you upfront about something bad that has happened, than let you find it on your own. This includes toilet overflows and bad grades. Live up to your part of the bargain and don't have a hissy when it happens. The truth will save you a thousand heartaches later, like when they are teenagers. Consequences are less when I know up front and we talk about it.

4. The family is a team and you need to give growing responsiblities to everyone. You are not responsible for their every need and they need to learn to meet the needs of others. That might be learning to fill the ice cube tray, setting the silverware on the table, or feeding the pet. It also means that they start taking responsibility for small chores like toy cleanup and progress to changing their own sheets and washing their own clothes. Responsibility is the best deterent for errant behavior.

5. The punishment is always the same for the same wrong action and is the same for every player doing it. Don't play favorites.

6. Carry through...with what you say you will do. Don't every threaten something that you aren't willing to do. We haven't been to a Chucky Cheese restaurant in 14 years.

7. Count to ten, even out loud, before you take action.

8. Sometimes you make them wait in their room for the punishment, before you hand it out. Sometimes the extra time cools you off and they imagine much worse than what you would ever carry out. It also gives them time to be repentent for serious behavior problems.

[babycakes]

Sometimes you make them wait in their room for the punishment, before you hand it out. Sometimes the extra time cools you off and they imagine much worse than what you would ever carry out. It also gives them time to be repentent for serious behavior problems.

This is oh so true!
This can teach your child so much about God's grace. They deserve punishment but you have an opportunity to hug them, let them know what they did was wrong and tell them you forgive them. In the heat of the moment, we can overexagerate their crime.

[psychtheoretic]

As a therapist who is working with physically abused kids, I say this is too harsh! If one of my client came into my office and reported what you wrote here, I would have def. called the CPS.

[psychtheoretic]

Also, think of these questions...

Does your husband have history of anger problem? How was he raised? Was this normal in his family? Why is it so important for your husband to control the kids? Is it possible that he feels as though he is not getting enough respect from them? What is he really afraid of?

[greenwidow]

There are a lot of good reasons to go to a counselor. Many people don't, because they are afraid that what is really happening is that the counselor is just listing their sins and checking which authorities to send into their lives.

It seems that they are right.