Growthtrac Community

[ashley312]

I had been dating a guy seriously for 4 months. At this point in our relationship we both knew that we had found the right person and had talked a little about marriage, but he hadn't proposed or anything because it just seemed to soon and there was no reason to rush things. But then his National Guard unit got called up to go to Iraq, and he asked me to marry him and I said yes. We would like to get married before his unit mobilizes which will be soon, but my parents think we should wait until he comes back which will most likely be in a year and a half. Adding to our motivation to get married before he leaves is the fact that his pay from the Army will be about double if he has a spouse so we will be fairly finiancially secure when he comes back if we are married. Being a military spouse will also give me some benefits while he's gone like free healthcare, being able to shop at the conmissary, being connected to other military wives, and being able to visit him in the hospital should he get injured. Not that we only want to get married for the money and benefits. My parents, for starters, think it's too soon, and are hurt that he asked me to marry him without asking them for my hand, instead we asked them for there blessing afterwards (which I think is totally appropriate in today's society). We haven't made a decision yet as to whether we'll marry before he leaves and are trying to take everyone's feelings into account, and trying to figure out what God wants us to do. We are willing to wait, but we're not sure that's what's best. At first my parents said that it was my decision and that they would support me in whatever I decide, but now they say that I am disrespecting them by not obeying them, and my mother has threatened to cut me out of the family if I marry him now. I don't want to ruin my relationship with my family, especially since I will need their support while my fiance is gone, but some of the things my mother has said and the pressure they're putting on me really make me question what kind of relationship I have with them to begin with. My fiance and I are committed to each other and feel that we should at least not be financially penalized, so we were thinking of at least getting married in the at least in the state's eyes (i.e. nothing about our current relationship would change, we would not consider ourselves married, we would not consumate the relationship, etc.) and not telling anyone or even getting fully married before God and not telling anyone. I would really like to get some objective opinions on what we should do because I am feelilng very lost right now.

[SAM]

When seeking God's will, here's something I've discovered about myself -

1) If I have a friend or loved one come to me and they share a concern, then I need to wait before making a decision.

2) If I have a second friend or loved one come to me, I better pray more for God's directions.

3) If I have a third friend or loved one come to me - God's definitely trying to get my attention and sending people to warn me or affirm me depending on the situation.

4) If God is truly part of the decision/equation - if there is anxiety or worry or doubt, then I know I need to wait. God does not bring anxiety, doubt or worry to my life. God's peace will rein.

Mom and dad only have your best interest at heart. It doesn't really sound as though they are concerned about the man you love, I think they may be more concerned about the fact that you are rushing into marriage.
Four months is not a long time to get to know someone. I dated my hubby for five years and still didn't know everything about him.

Some things to think about -
1) Pre-marital counseling or mentoring for at least six weeks
2) Topics of discussion - expectations, conflict, communication, sex, family of origin, leisure activities, parenting and male/female roles and most importantly - where you are each at spiritually.
3) Do a compatability test (separately) - Growthtrac offers one that is fabulous at http://www.growthtrac.com/checkup/
4) The less time spent preparing for marriage - the more likely a marriage is to end.

Not telling anyone or even getting fully married before God and not telling anyone.

This would be lying to your family and friends. Lies and deception usually get exposed - eventually. This would have the potential to ruin your relationship with mom and dad even more.

If you really want to know what your relationship is made of and the commitment you have to it - wait. If God is a part of it, and his blessings are upon it, all the pieces will fall into place.

Lastly, the military life is a very hard one for a wife. Your fiance will go through many changes being overseas in his maturity as a man and emotionally. He will not come back the same man as he has left.

I know this because my father was career Army for 22 years. I saw what he was like before Vietnam and I saw what he was like after Vietnam. And... he was 44 years old when he went to Nam. My parents marriage did not survive. He came back completely changed by what he saw and experienced. You will not be part of that experience. You can't be.
That will mean huge and dramatic changes to your relationship.

Essentially, if the two of your can survive waiting and still be together through this difficult time, then you are more likely to have a marriage that will survice the storms that hit it. Right now, the odds are against you.

I think it's more about your parents being scared for you, than it is that they are against this. Their emotions are obviously all over the place right now and they want to protect you.

[rdsmith3]

Ashley

I cannot tell you what to do, because I do not know enough about your situation.

I got married the first time at the age of 23. I had known my wife for two years, except that I did not really know her, and I did not really know myself, either.

It is easy to get married. It is even easier to come up with reasons for getting married, such as the financial ones. I will tell you, though, from painful, personal experience that it takes a lifetime to undo a bad choice about marriage.

I suggest you get some good Christian counseling and spend some time praying and thinking about what God wants you to do.

[babycakes]

Four months is not long enough to know someone (really) and get married.

If you're serious about getting married, want to have the respect of family and friends, then invest in counseling or mentoring for several weeks to really dig below the surface and get to know each other. It's an investment in your future.

My husband and I did the online assessment at GT for married couples and we LOVED it. Consider doing this evaluation. It's worth the $29.95 investment. There is one for pre-marrieds too!

You don't usually become best friends with someone after only four months of knowing them. It takes time to get to know someone and trust them deeply as well as sharing your histories and issues. The first several months are pretty surface level.

As for lying to your family/friends about not being married, when you are married by the state just because of finances - that's not a wise decision.

I married really young at 19. It took a lot of counseling after the fact to get our marriage on track. I wish someone had pulled us aside and had been brutally honest about needing pre-maritial counseling (more than 2 sessions with our pastor).

Marriage is great but it can also be really, really hard at times.

We all need the best tools and skills we can find to make our marriages successful. Unfortunately, way too many couples enter into marriage with an empty toolbox.

[CornerDweller]

Hey, there's some things you should know. It is very common for girlfriends to rush into marriage when their man is being shipped over for a combat tour. Very common. And it is a major reason why the divorce rate for the military is so abysmal. Whenever a Division returns from the Sandbox to a major military town, I kid you not that divorce lawyers swoop in like vultures from hundreds of miles away to make a killing.

I'm not saying that would happen to you. There are countless stories of such marriages lasting a lifetime. Just listen to stories our grandparents' generation would tell about World War II. But times they are a'differing.

As for the bennies, it sounds like your folks will help take care of you and I'm assuming you're not on the edge of food stamps and welfare at this moment. Here's my advice to you, but take it for what it's worth as I have about zero real life experience with anything like this. Tell him you'd rather wait a year, and if he agrees to that and doesn't care about not getting the pay raise, then cool. And even so, when he gets back and if you're still his girlfriend, take a good while to get to know him and if it's gonna work, marry him some time before his next tour (if he is to be sent on one).

That's what I would recommend, but then I'm not exactly an expert with this.