Growthtrac Community

[chloe]

hi everyone, my name is chloe/i'm new here. i definitely am in need of getting some of my thoughts out--it seems my friends don't have any of the right answers. i would love some advice from more mature, married individuals concerning my situation with my boyfriend, ben.

i've been dating ben for about 15 months and it's been incredible. he is such a man of God and since dating him i have grown so much in my faith. we strive as a couple to center our relationship on God and through scripture and prayer together, i feel we are constantly improving on that. i don't think that anyone could possibly love me more than this boy does. that said, i am so grateful for him and love him very deeply.

so here is where my issues start. for the past 7 months we have been in a long-distance relationship and thus far it has gone by relatively painlessly. compared to most couples our age, we seem to have excellent communication and due to the fact that our relationship is not based on sex (we are saving ourselves for marriage), we have grown closer in a different and deeper way. however, the more i get to know this man, the more i want to live life with him, i.e. get married. being that i am only 20 and he is 22, i know that we are young but unfortunatly that is not the only thing that holds us back. we will not be living in the same city for the next 3 years due to college, him in chicago and me in milwaukee. just the thought of waiting at least 3 more years to unite in marriage with him is unbearable. along with this, i'm feeling a disparity in my emotions. part of me can't wait to spend the rest of my life with him, while another part of me is terrified of that very thing. i often ask myself, 'is this really who God intends me to be with?' i believe in life-long marriage and that is a huge committment, especially at my age. is this a normal fear?

ps. sorry so long-winded.

[SAM]

i'm feeling a disparity in my emotions. part of me can't wait to spend the rest of my life with him, while another part of me is terrified of that very thing. i often ask myself, 'is this really who God intends me to be with?'

I'm a firm believer that the Holy Spirit speaks to us through our emotions.
When we are at odds - when we have no peace - there is a reason for it.
For me, it usually is a warning sign that I should not move forward, but stop, slow down, pray and seek God's wisdom. If we ask Him for wisdom, He generously gives it.

I've always found that if my heart is a peace, God is part of the decision process. If not, it means I need to wait and pray some more and seek the counsel of those older and wiser than me.

Sometimes God asks us to stop and wait... it is a really hard thing to do.

Otherwise, the only choice is for one of you to change schools to be closer.

[Maeryn.Willow]

Hey girl!

I was (perhaps still am) feeling the same way about my guy right now! Except we are planning to get married within the year! We are the same ages as you and your man. im 19 and he's 22. But I KNOW this man is the right one for me! (stories for another time) If you are feeling jittery, take a step back and see what you need to work on in yourself before marrage! I realized I had a lot of unforgiveness and anger and hurt hidden way deep inside of me (i am a very calm person. I like to store things away) So I am in the middle of a wilderness right now. every day is an adventure, and I can't wait to meet me in the future! I am making peace with my past so I can move forward without hesitation. Healing is a process. I told my man I will not marry him until I am fully healed so he can have all of me. Take a good look at your insides and see what you have to offer this man!

Blessings <3

[SAM]

I can only share with you my experience with getting married at the age of 19 and my husband was 20. It is a journey, and you have to work really hard at taking the steps together. I was still figuring out what I wanted to do, including school and a bunch of other stuff. Once I did figure it out in my early 30's, it made for some really, really rough spots in our marriage and counseling was an absolute must. We don't always grow together at this stage in our lives. Kids mature at different rates, why wouldn't adults.

My husband had a really difficult time understanding what sacrificing for me and his children meant. We had our first child at 24 and the second at 28. He was still into his man toys, and didn't hesitate to spend the money when he wanted to. I remember him going out and purchasing a new stereo component, when our two little girls needed winter coats and boots. He didn't grasp the the mindset of his needs and wants no longer coming first. We had a HUGE blowup about returning the purchase, so the kids could have what they needed.

If you can find a mentor couple and do some evaluations, all the better. Honestly, love is blind and so is lust. Dig deep and spend the time getting to know your future spouse. Focus on your future for the next 50 years rather than focusing so much on the wedding day. You will spend hours and hours and hours planning for the perfect day, but will you invest that much time in mentoring? And, I'm not talking about 2-3 hours sitting with a pastor. I'm talking 6 weeks or more. Listen with an open heart to what they see in your relationship as strength areas and growth areas.

I know that Growthtrac offers marriage mentoring - check it out at http://www.growthtrac.com/marriage-mentor/

Also, if any of you live in the Chicago area, there is an awesome marriage prep class called 2 to 1. It's a 7 week course on Friday nights. Make the effort, it will open your eyes, and is completely worth it.

https://classes.willowcreek.org/default ... rofile=102

[km]

Chicago & Milwaukee are about 90 miles apart. It is less than 2 hours by car (or, I think, by train as well). With current day email, text messaging & webcam talk - and the fairly easy ability to see each other regularly, it should be possible to make this work if it is meant to be.

Your ages aren't the most patient time in life. Work on that now while you decide whether you're the right lifetime fit together.

[neumatikos]

Dear sis.

Ahh.... to be young again. Lol... Praise God. How exciting. I am so happy for you both. My wife just reminded me, for you to bear in mind his Ben's feelings. He is half of the relationship. I pray he feels the same way about you. From what you have posted, it appears that he does. Yay. What a blessing. You and your 'boyfriend' are doing four excellent things.
1) Center your relationship on God. You and he need to be grounded in the Lord, and content with that. Keep growing. Keep seeking. Trust me, Jesus is everything, and your spouse, is a wonderful addition to that. I am crazy for my wife, and I fall in love with her more each day, and we both fall more and more in Love with Jesus, very much each day. As good as we are to each other, wow! Christ is the ultimate.
2) Staying virgins. Yup, I said it. It's not a bad word. It is a wonderful word. (who cares what the world thinks, you guys are being a glory to the Lord, and a powerful witness to the world, by that. And guess what? God himself will bless your love life someday, if you please Him, unselfishly, in that area of life, also. It is a beautiful gift to give to your spouse. And he to you. Oh my .... does that opportunity- to have only shared yourselves with each other, guard your love for one another, and bond you in marriage. Eat dinner together and have intimate relations often (once in marriage) and the connection remain strong. (there's plenty of time for that) You ain't missing nothing, by not running around, using and being used by a bunch of others. Be satisfied the way God intended. It rules!
3) Remain exclusive to each other. If you were to audition for an acting role, in a movie- how would it be if the director, was texting some other women, or reading the newspaper, or whatever? It would not be fair to you, and it would be a distraction to him. I hope you get the idea here. One of the best ways for God to communicate to the both of you, is to be singular in purpose. To live for the glory of God. To date, exclusively, one another, and no one else. You are both young. You will both be surrounded by many other young people of the opposite sex, for several years. That is a lot of tempation. True love is a gift from God. It is worth waiting for God to grant, in His time, in His ways. And you both need to be listening for God's will, as much as spending time, and seeking to know if you and this Ben are meant for each other.
4) Which brings up the final and perhaps most important point. This life is not about us. It is about the Lord. He blesses all we place in His hands. This includes our choices in life, especially marriage. If our choice of a marriage partner (cuz' that's what you will be- partners) does not draw the both of you closer to Christ, than what is the point? If I am walking down the road, and a limosine comes along to give me a ride. If it takes me away from my destination, than no thanks... I would rather walk. The two of you should be as close as you need to, to be able to discern from the Lord, if this is His will for you. But to remain unspoiled, to the point, that you have not shared your bodies, or your hearts, to the point, that if you are not to be married to Ben, that you have not offended his future wife, and that he has not offended your future husband. And by the way, 3 years may be a 7th of your whole life, but that is no time at all, in the 'big picture'. Consider that a gift from God. A set period of time, for the two of you to have self control, and a lot of time to think and pray. Remember,.. God is not safe. He is good. HE will hold out a blessing in front of us, and test us. Do we love what is on the Master's table, more than the Master, himself? Do not rush to be married. Take your time. And God will reveal His will to you, and bless you. No matter where the road leads,.. please and glorify God with each step.
God bless you both, wherever God takes you. m & j