Growthtrac Community

[healmyheart]

I have been seeing this guy for several months. Good Christian man. Upstanding in the community. Never married. No kids. Early 40s. Crazy about me. We are compatible in every way, and we genuinely like each other.

The problem is that he began telling me about his "bondage" fantasies as our relationship progressed. I thought this was just a passing fancy, but I began to get emails from girls that he's apparently solicited in the past--as in, he's wanted to fulfill these bondage fantasies for awhile.

I'm divorced but have remained sexually pure for over 5 years. When I asked him about it, he admits that he had had sex with these girls in these bondage scenarios, but that it was harmless. I told him that it's apparent that he has an addiction/obsession vs. a harmless fantasy.

I'm wondering this: do you think that God presented this issue to me so that we could confront and deal with it now, or do you think Satan presented it as a means of steering me away from the man that could possibly be my future husband? The Bible does say that the thief comes only to kill, steal and destroy. AND, the Bible also says that ALL things are possible to them that believe.

If I'm a believer, then I have to believe that God heals ALL things and ALL people, not just some. I'm struggling over whether this is God telling me to steer clear of a man with a possible obsession, or if it's Satan trying to steer me away from what is potentially God's will. I tried to leave the situation, but my heart keeps calling me back to this man. I'm not needy at all---I just care about him with my whole heart--both as a Christian and as a woman.

As a woman in my late 30s, I know that every man will have some sort of issue (we all have things we need to work on), but I'm unclear as to why this information came when it did. He tells me that it's just fantasy, not an obsession, yet his prior actions and the same actions w/ me prove otherwise.

I'd like to know what the board thinks about this. Thank you!

[webacus]

Hi there. Welcome and thanks for posting.

Some observations:

I think I see a read flag here (or at least a contradiction)...

Good Christian man. Upstanding in the community...He admits that he had had sex with these girls in these bondage scenarios...

do you think that God presented this issue to me so that we could confront and deal with it now, or do you think Satan presented it as a means of steering me away from the man that could possibly be my future husband?

There may be a third scenario: perhaps God let you discover this behavior so you might steer clear.

He tells me that it's just fantasy...

But he's acted on these 'fantasies' correct?

f I'm a believer, then I have to believe that God heals ALL things and ALL people, not just some...

True. But he must admit he has a problem and be willing to be helped.

Frankly, I don't think bondage in the context of marriage is in
itself a bad thing. The problem here is: your friend has shared his
fantasy with several women and has had sex with some of them.

I think it's beneficial to have made this discovery up front-- before
you take the relationship further.

If you want to pursue the relationship, I would say minimally,
get some counseling together.

[SAM]

First, welcome and glad you are here.

I'm divorced but have remained sexually pure for over 5 years.

I am proud of you for convictions to stay pure. Yeah God for keeping you on this path when so many choose otherwise.

When I asked him about it, he admits that he had had sex with these girls in these bondage scenarios, but that it was harmless.

If I understand your post, it appears this man has not made the same commitment to purity.

He tells me that it's just fantasy, not an obsession, yet his prior actions and the same actions w/ me prove otherwise.

If his actions are proving otherwise, do you think this may be a red flag?

As Christians, we struggle with many things. Have you considered asking him if he looks at pornography or what he consideres to be pornography? It is a huge issue with Christian men. We all have fantasies, and within the context of marriage, I have no problem with soft bondage if it is something that is willingly done between a husband and wife. When one partner is uncomfortable and would not want to participate, yet is forced, coerced and pleaded with to give in, or is held against their will as a form of control - then it's a problem. The marriage bed is to be kept pure before marriage as well as after.

There is a very fine line between self-gratification, self-seeking pleasure and other-serving pleasure. When the focus becomes entirely on the visual and self-gratification then that's a problem. For him to try and convince you otherwise, throws up numerous questions.

Is this a past practice or still a current practice? In other words, is this something that is occuring with other women while you are dating?

If it is... then it's time to say goodbye.

Do you think that God presented this issue to me so that we could confront and deal with it now, or do you think Satan presented it as a means of steering me away from the man that could possibly be my future husband?

I'm a strong believer that the Holy Spirit gives us nudges. It's important to pay attention to them and not ignore them. My guess would be that it wasn't Satan who presented this issue to you - but the Holy Spirit. Satan may have this Christian man in his clutches with a pornography addiction.

The fact that he is trying to convince you otherwise, is troublesome.

There are some great books I'd like to recommend to you -

Every Man's Battle and Every Woman's Battle - by Stephen Arterburn and Shannon Ethridge.

[rdsmith3]

Welcome. It is great that you are soliciting the advice of other Christians on an important decision.

I am trying to understand how you came to be contacted by these other women? Did you seek them out? Did they seek you out? I am not trying to pry. I think it is relevant to getting the best possible advice.

Based on what you have said, which is of course one side of the story, this man seems to be minimizing his behavior and not taking accountability for what he has done. These are certainly red flags. Add to that the fact that he is in his 40's and never married. There is nothing inherently wrong with that, but it could be another warning sign. So I urge you to proceed cautiously, and definitely get counseling before making any commitment to this person. It sounds like the bondage issue is not the only one.

Also, do not make a commitment to someone thinking that you can change him. You are not able to change him -- only he can make a change with God's help -- and trying to do so will cause issues in the relationship.

[healmyheart]

Thank you all very much for your words and advice. It's greatly appreciated!