Growthtrac Community

[JoBets]

Hi..

I have been in two step families:

My mother committed suicide. So I have a hard time with people telling me she is going to hell. That is another topic for a veteran to help me through it.


I was in my first family where I was the oldest child. My father had 2 kids girls and she had 1 boy & 1 girl. Her niece was awarded to my parents and so she moved in. Then they had a boy together. My brother. So now we are 6 kids.

This life was very stressful and since I was the oldest, I had many chores to do. I hated her because she was not very nice to me. She had some major issues of her own. I know the marriage with my father was a fast and I think I can say, rebound one. I have forgiven her now that I am a Christian and a mother. She had stress too and no outlets.
They divorced.

My father gets remarried to another woman. All of her kids are older than me. The only son lives on his own. Her middle child daughter is battling Heroin. Her youngest child, daughter, is always fighting with her mother.

But of the places I lived at as I was growing up was very very stressful. I really don't know how I made it through all the pain and nonsense I have been through. If I told you all the stories, you might not think they were true.

When I was in the first family I tried to suffocate myself because I was sad my mother died and left me alone. I blamed myself for only being 7 years old when she died. I thought if I was older, I could have talked to her and let her know life was worth living. That me & my sister would be there for her no matter what.

Then I blamed her for leaving me with a horrible step-mother who hit me. I hated my mother something awful. I pleaded with GOD to send her back home. I tried to bargain with him. I told him he could take my eyes, my arms, my legs, I didn't care. I just wanted her back so bad.

I know that I was a different child. I could always hear GOD in my mind.
When my mother died, I took my little sister for a walk. I was about 8, she was an infant. I walked her down the road to the Nursing Home. Catholic place. There was the blessed mother in the front hedges & a stone seat. That was my first stop. I prayed to her before walking thru the gardens there. What a beautiful place to be. Right on the Long Island Sound in the Bronx. My grandparents owned a pizzeria and Italian Ices. So everyone knew me. As the * walked into the store, each one would give an update to where we were.

We would say hello to the Sisters and they walked the residents outside for some air and a view of City Island. Then we walk the entire place and to to the spot to pick berries for our pancakes.

I love my grandparents very much and if I could have lived with them, we would have been very happy.

I didn't rebel like most teens cause I think I had in my mind, my dad would die too. I always wanted my parents to be together. Always and that is what most kids wish for. If there were more communication & we were able to talk about my mom and death. It would have been much easier for me. I also wanted some alone time with my dad. We never got it. My dad is a great person and works hard till this day to provide.

So the reason for this story, is just to state what I always wanted in my blended family. I wanted things to be fair, no matter who's kids are who's. That didn't happen. And way too long to get into any of this. I have healed myself along with GOD in my own time alone. I think I am lucky. He saved me long before I had any idea what & who HE is.

Communication is the best thing. Kids should be able to express themselves and come to you no matter what the topic is. Being too strict is not the answer. You push them further away from you and into the arms of others. They should be able to have some "alone" time with the natural parent. Be careful what you say. You should love that step-child like your own. Yeah so its a little harder to do that. But put yourself in that kids place. You don't know what they are thinking.

I don't know what else to say. My life was rough and now my kids have gone through what I vowed never to do. But we were in a life threatening situation and had to leave their father. I had the blessing of the Catholic Monsignor. I feel guilty at times for that decision. Because I know it tore up my daughter to leave her dad. But as they are older they can now see with their own eyes. I never belittled their father to them or said a mean word. They know he is sick.


I pray for all of you with blended families. It is the most difficult of all families. I pray for your patience and your open communication in your homes.

GOD be with all of you.

[SAM]

There is a wonderful ministry at www.successfulstepfamilies.com
Ron Deal has written a book called The Successful Step Family that is awesome. This organization also holds marriage conferences specifically designed for blended families.

[JoBets]

Thank you.

I will certainly check it out.

[SAM]

As for your mom - forgot to answer that question for you.

I know there is a certain belief held by many denominations that suicide is a sin, so it separates us from God and does not allow us to enter heaven.
Doesn't all sin separate us from God?

Where does a loving and just God enter the picture?

For someone to tell you your mother is going to hell because of committing suicide is extremely hurtful. I think God is fully aware of the torment, pain and mental illness of people who walk down this path. He will be a just judge.

If she gave her heart to Christ and claimed him as her Savior, then she will be in Heaven with Him. Remember, through the blood of Christ he has washed away past, current and future sins.

[JoBets]

Thank you Sam!

I have been struggling with that.

I have been thinking to myself for quite some time now about this topic.

There are some born again Christian's I used to go to church with and this was their answer.

I could not believe that my mom would go to hell.

Thank you for making my day a lot nicer today.

[rdsmith3]

Thanks for the prayers. We have a blended family, and it has been difficult at times, especially with my oldest son.

I had to make a very difficult decision and remove him from the home because he was a threat to my wife and to the other younger children (he had drawings and writings in which he fantasized about killing my wife and me, for example). Having him out of the home has allowed us to move forward and things are slowly getting better.

[JoBets]

Thanks for the prayers. We have a blended family, and it has been difficult at times, especially with my oldest son.

I had to make a very difficult decision and remove him from the home because he was a threat to my wife and to the other younger children (he had drawings and writings in which he fantasized about killing my wife and me, for example). Having him out of the home has allowed us to move forward and things are slowly getting better.

Oh boy!.. does he have any mental issues or using drugs? How old if I can ask?

[rdsmith3]

He is 17. He has bipolar disorder. He has not, yet, abused alcohol or drugs. He lies, manipulates people, blames others, rationalizes and makes excuses. He plays the victim and gets people to feel sorry for him. At our old church, he did this and got some people to believe that we were horrible parents (they never talked to us, his parents) and it resulted in a bad situation. We ended up leaving the church.

Nothing is his fault. He does not take accountability and he has no remorse for hurting his family. I could go on and on, which is sad, because he is my own son.

As I mentioned above, he threatened to kill us in various ways. In addition, he had journal writings in which he prayed that God would exact revenge against his pagan parents. He also said that he would get revenge on his employer at the time (last year). I just sent today about 80 pages of material I had to the psychiatrist, which covers the "highlights" of the last four years or so. He has been trying to split up our marriage since Day 1.

He just keeps wanting to do things his way. He refuses to be humbled and submit to God, although he says he is a believer. If I point out to him that he is dishonoring his father, he has some excuse as to why it is my fault.

I love him, but at this point, I just have to surrender it to God. He will be 18 in a few months. The Holy Spirit needs to do some major work with him. Say a prayer if you have a minute.

Now having said all that, my wife and I have been going to counselling ourselves, and we have acknowledged our own mistakes with regard to my son. We have apologized to him. We have said that he is welcome back if he has a change of heart and wants to rebuild the trust. So far, he has not taken any meaningful steps towards healing. We cannot make him change. We have to protect ourselves and the other children, so he is not allowed back in our home.

This is probably more than you ever wanted to know. Thanks for listening.

[JoBets]

He is 17. He has bipolar disorder. He has not, yet, abused alcohol or drugs. He lies, manipulates people, blames others, rationalizes and makes excuses. He plays the victim and gets people to feel sorry for him. At our old church, he did this and got some people to believe that we were horrible parents (they never talked to us, his parents) and it resulted in a bad situation. We ended up leaving the church.

Nothing is his fault. He does not take accountability and he has no remorse for hurting his family. I could go on and on, which is sad, because he is my own son.


He just keeps wanting to do things his way. He refuses to be humbled and submit to God, although he says he is a believer. If I point out to him that he is dishonoring his father, he has some excuse as to why it is my fault.



Now having said all that, my wife and I have been going to counseling ourselves, and we have acknowledged our own mistakes with regard to my son. We have apologized to him. We have said that he is welcome back if he has a change of heart and wants to rebuild the trust. So far, he has not taken any meaningful steps towards healing. We cannot make him change. We have to protect ourselves and the other children, so he is not allowed back in our home.

This is probably more than you ever wanted to know. Thanks for listening.

I will say a prayer for him. My daughter did split up me & my husband, (not her father) and it was her who got us talking again after 4 years. I had to send her out of the house. Broke my heart, I thought I'd die. She was very rebellious. She was a great student, just refused to listen to me and wanted everything her way. We were told she had a "explosive disorder". She was given meds, but she threw them away.

It's just not easy sometimes and having a blended family is a little more stressful.

I'm glad you and your wife are in counseling and working it all out. Glad to know you didn't let it break you up.

God bless you and your family.

[JoBets]

As for your mom - forgot to answer that question for you.

I know there is a certain belief held by many denominations that suicide is a sin, so it separates us from God and does not allow us to enter heaven.
Doesn't all sin separate us from God?

If she gave her heart to Christ and claimed him as her Savior, then she will be in Heaven with Him. Remember, through the blood of Christ he has washed away past, current and future sins.

My mother grew up from the age of 10 in a Catholic orphanage because her mother was murdered in Brooklyn in 1952. My mother was brought up praying and with Godly people. (Even though I have heard people say Catholic's are not real Christians) {Another topic for another day.} My grandmother left 4 little girls in that place. I can't imagine what life was like there. BUT I do have some letters my mother & father wrote to each other while I dad was in the Navy and her in the home.

This is my only connection to who my mother was.

Suicide is an awful depression. I also have a friend who tried to commit suicide. I was able to go to her bed side in the hospital and pray for her. I talked to her and touched her. My friend is fine now. Goes to church with her family, more than I do. But I know her husband wanted to leave her because of what she did. He said he just can't forgive her. They have 5 children. Then her 15 yr old daughter tried to kill herself. They need prayers.

This is something I regretted all my life, cause I was only 7 when my mother did this. I always thought if I was grown up and could go to her, I could have saved her.


I now try to stay clear of people that say someone will go to hell if they commit suicide. They are not educated people. If someone is real depressed they need to go to the hospital right away. Even talking about it is a "danger sign".

Thank you for listening.

I was not able to talk about any of this stuff with my dad. He would just choke up and walk away. And I certainly couldn't talk to my step mothers.

God Bless

[rdsmith3]

thanks for the prayers.

So do you feel somehow responsible for your mother's suicide? That must be a terrible burden to carry.

I am sure that growing up without your mother was very difficult.

[JoBets]

thanks for the prayers.

So do you feel somehow responsible for your mother's suicide? That must be a terrible burden to carry.

I am sure that growing up without your mother was very difficult.

I don't anymore.. those feelings were when I was growing up.
Since I starting reading her letters, little at a time.. I have felt much better. I got to read what a funny person she was. How loving she was to her sisters. How much she loved my dad.

Yes, without my mother was very hard.

Thank you
=)