Growthtrac Community

[Empty Shell of a Man]

I have no one to talk to.

I know that sounds strange, but I really don't. I want to pour out my soul, in utter honesty and see if anyone is listening, or even if I feel better finally telling someone. I really am just a shell of my former self. I also hope no one recognizes me, so I have to be vague.

Short intro:

Long term Christian; married to an unbelieving wife (though profession was made, verbally). Had kids that brought me joy, but perpetual loneliness from her. She troubled me in church, humiliated me everywhere, and drove me to the brink, many times over. Church discipline, urging by others...nothing moved her. Besides having children, no intimacy. Love my kids. Devote my life to fatherhood. Ran out of gas. I comitted adultery. I did it. Woman was nice, flattered me, pursued me, and I was glad she did. My sin. My devastation. I confessed, tried to rebuild a marriage that was nothing, but I ruined everything and hurt my children terribly. Because of our closeness, they loved me, forgave me, and have stayed with me. I will be honest even though I know that it may not seem possible: other than my betrayal against a woman who did not love me, I always treated her with respect, dignity, and did so, to honor God, but also in hopes of causing her to love me. I really did. Good manners, flowers, attentive, attempt to talk (she does not possess the ability to talk deeply). Everything failed. I begged and begged. She actually didn't care about my sin until others found out. Before that, she "did not want to know"...just pay the bills and keep away from me.

After it became known, then she was humiliated and hurt. She was hurt far more than I may ever know, but eventually, she did divorce me because I could not stay with her, even though my sin forced us to leave the community where we lived. We moved to a new state and I hoped for a change. Not to be. She used the A word every day of my life until I wanted to commit suicide. Even then, she continued to drive me out. I lost my home, money, friends, family, everything. I was utterly the devil incarnate to people. Exxagerations abounded.
After all the years, I found myself alone, although my children quickly came around (she drives them out of their minds as well).

God's chastisement was just. No question. I sinned, lost family, home, finance, friends, relatives and my name is marked forever. I know that that is what Proverbs promises to happen to the adulter. God be not mocked, I am guilty.

At the end, I meet the cutest girl imaginable. She appears to be everything I have ever wanted, and we began to speak. I learn of a horrid background (she is 10+ years younger than me) of sin. She pours out her sin and cries out to Christ to forgive her. She puts her trust in Him and turns her back on her sin.

What was her sin?

She grew up under an unbearably disapproving father. I know him and am, at my age, shaken by his disapproval of EVERYTHING. He has some mental health issues, but is friendly on the exterior. Also, my wife put him through hell growing up.

At age 15, she was brutally raped by two men. They ripped and tore her and she froze. She did not fight, she did not scream, she was terrorized.

She never told her parents. She never told the school nurse. She told no one.

What did she do? She did what many victims do: they seek to destroy themselves. She developed an eating disorder. She turned to alcohol and pot (lots and lots of pot). And, worst of all for small town living, she turned to promiscuity. Promiscuity so bad, that it breaks my heart to even think about it.

Man after Man. 16 year old dating a 21 year old. Abortion. Brings home a guy from another race knowing that this would anger her very small town, predjudiced minded father, and gets a reputation for going to parties, and waking up without clothes on, not sure who violated her. She had incredible grades (4.0 in college) but would drop out. She went to men's dorms who would hurt her. She went to a "physcial therapist" who had her take off all her clothes under a towel while he worked his hands all over her. She was scared of him but THEN WENT BACK TO HIM again (this was at about 24 years of age now). He molests her and she only tells someone when she hears about a co-worker, younger than she, going to see him. More victims come forward and he committs suicide.

She shacks up with man after man. She almost loses her life to weight loss. She gets 4.0 in college but then smokes SO MUCH pot as to not get out of her apartment, but to buy pot. What did she do for money? I am not sure, but probably just slept with someone. It is too gross to comtemplate.

She travels with men, and looks so cute --with a tiny face and no sexualized behavior or dress--so innocent looking. She seems to have this pattern where no relationship lasts more than 1 or 2 years. 3 at the most. She is unhappy, moves out. The last guy had a son and she took wonderful care of him; and supported this pothead of a man...she did everything for him. Basically, she is used to being treated poorly, although she appears to have broken off every single relationship.

She has a long history of sabotaging relationships and happiness, and believes that she deserves only rotten things. Her father is very affectionate to her when he is drinking, but the hatred is not able to be hid. She put them through hell growing up, and they are not Christians and he cannot forgive her --I think he has even called her "whore" and "slut", and so on.

She graduates from college, finally, at 27. It was easy. She never studied and got the 4.0 She is THAT intelligent.

This is when I meet her. We hit it off immediately and I felt that this was the only woman in the world for me. She had nothing left with this man, and was worn out by raising his son, supporting him, etc. She left him. He never questioned her. In fact, he never got off the couch to say goodbye, or help move her stuff. Her father and brother moved her, while he sat in the bathroom, smoking pot. I understand that his son was devastated.

She brings me to meet her family who appear to be very nice. Between us, things are WONDERFUL. She quickly becomes my best friend. I KNEW she was everything I had wanted, but suddenly...

We are at her parent's home and her brother has this HUGE frat boy party with his "frat brothers" from about10 years ago. (they are all professionals now).

It is a big event, with tents everywhere, lots of drinking, barbeques, volleyball, etc. The dad LOVES it and the Mom loves serving, etc. Family, friends and her brother's entire fraterntiy, some with wives and kids, are there. The drinking is very heavy.

With 100 people there, I am a bit on the shy side because I don't know anyone and these really aren't my type to hang with. I am 10+ years older than her, and these guys are all her age. A few of them are looking at her funny.

As the night progresses, she disappears more and more. I asked her not to leave me, but she does; always with a drink in her hand. Her future sister in law is drunk, tries to hold my hand, but I slip away from that scene.

By now, all the games are over and it is dark and just drinking games remain. Her dad tries to draw me in, but that is not me. I feel like the nerdy outcast among the cool guys.

Then, I see her greet someone by jumping into his arms, and straddlng him with her legs. I am stunned. I am appalled and I am grossed out. Next, I see her sitting next to another "buddy", with her hand on his thigh, close to his genitals.

That was enough for me. It is very late, and I must leave. I am a long way from home, in a very rural area and will, in no way, be able to find my way home...wherever home is.. I have also had a few drinks and am terrified of an OUI, which would mean losing my job, and ruining my support of the kids (who by now are back close to me).

She says to me, looking out among all the frat boys, "they want to have me and pass me around". She does not explain what the hell that means, but I feel trapped. I cannot leave but have to wait until the morning. Her father saw her behavior and gave me a "just you wait" look.

Later, I forgive her behavior. Why? I am so terribly in love with her. I just want to take her and heal her...of her past.

We marry.

Of course, her father made some snide remarks about the wedding dress and would not let her wear a veil.

During the engagement, she puts away the alcohol and begins to learn of God's Word, and becomes an absolute joy to be around. I fight the terrible thoughts of her past, but I am not God and cannot fix the past. I love her with all my heart. We get along as if we were meant for each other. I love every inch of her....she is so smart, funny, cute, and even our Bible studies are filled with joy.

She then turns to my children. In just 2 years of marriage (3 years of knowing them) they ADORE her and she has done such wonderful works of healing that it amazes me.

She has gained weight and looks great.

She has some jewelry and a dress for the first time in her life.

I treat her with the knowledge of having read every marriage book just about written, and years of dreaming HOW I would treat a woman who loves me. She is healing me and my life and we are healing each other. My oldest kids actually turn down living in dorms JUST to be with her. She cooks for them, and is warm, loving, meek and quiet. She is becoming the Proverbs 31 woman before my eyes.

She becomes even more beautiful with time. The inward beauty shows with time. We do EVERYTHING together and the kids act like they have the "spirit of adoption" with her. The ex wife torments her, but even that would change with time, as the ex would say, "she makes it impossible for me to hate her". When the older kids won't honor their mother, she has a birthday party for the ex, and gets flowers, and Mother's Day cards and covers the kids' sins until they finally start to come around.

I treat her like royalty. I do everything for her. I sell my possessions to buy her things she never had. She never owned a dress and was so awkward at first, that it was endearing. The more I knew her, the more I loved her. Even with all her quirky control issues (rape victims have that...she told me everything before we married), I just love her. For awhile, we worked together and never got sick of each other and never felt that there was enough time in life for us. It was great.

This past summer, though, things began to change. I noticed that she was not so close to the little ones. I am afraid to say anything because I don't want to lose her.

Back up a bit....the winter was terrible. We almost lost the house with the sub-prime loan; ran out of fuel, had the septic system collapse. Also, my ex was so bad and intrusive that my kids warned me to get her out of my wife's life due to stress. My 16 year old daughter began to act out, and then clung to my wife; draining her, needing her.

In the summer, I found myself doing all the cooking, all the laundry, all the cleaning, all the bathing, care of little ones (working full time) and had run myself into the ground. On top of this, I had to do a refinancing, keep the car from being repossessed. Her father had cosigned for her vehicle and he was getting late notices and freaking out on her. She was really stressed. Her job is also impossibly stressful, dealing with bruised babies and abusive parents (enough said).

She is also sharp with me. She no longer wants to take walks with me but now needs "alone" time. This is so weird for us....we crave time together.

She dresses so beautifully and modestly, as whenever I have had any money, or when I sold something that I owned, I bought her jewelry, and went and helped her pick out clothing. When the account was too low for the week, I gave her some outdoor shoes of mine to return so we would have food/gas money (lot of kids to feed). She took it and bought clothes for herself instead. I was stunned but was afraid to say anything.

At night, she reassures me of our love, but my insecurity is growing by the day. It is getting worse and worse and the spirit of jealousy is upon me. She announces that I am "difficult to talk to", which is the very opposite that she has told me for 3 years.

At our 2nd Wedding anniversary, she allows me "ok, you can buy it!" to purchase her a diamond. I think to myself that I am the happiest man on the face of the earth, inspite of some of the weird things that this summer brings. I love her and think that this is just depression, that kicks up every so often and I get her to a doctor. I blame the distance on the medicine.

In her job, she has to work with law enforcement. She tells me everything that cops say to her (they try to hit on her) and I tell her everything that any woman says to me. We both feel safe in this. Suddenly, she tells me that I have always had an issue of being jealous of cops around her. Huh? This was new to me because I had not felt jealousy.

our vacation seems good, though she is distant from the kids. Our intimacy is not so frequent, and not so.....holy. We used to look into each other's eyes, but she closes them now. I wonder about that.

But, all in all, it must just be the depression and I must just love her more. I do more for her. I sit by her as she sun bathes and play guitar for her. I get up with the kids so she can sleep in. I try to make every meal special for her; without realizing that she rarely ever cooks for me.

Then, she announces:

"I am not attracted to you".


What? How can this be?? Are you speaking to me?? We've always adored each other???? How can this be??

This is her way of starting to tell me something.

I go to pieces and weep. I weep everyday, crying out to God for help.

When not working, I cannot get off the couch as depression comes over me like a wave.

The kids notice that she no longer helps. They worry.


the next revelation: She says, "for the first time since I have known you, I felt attraction to another man".

WHAT?????? WHO????? WHY????????? How can this be?????


That was just the warm up. I suffer for days with that. By now, I cannot go to work and cannot eat. I am using up sick time, but no longer care. I feel like dying. I want to forgive her, but she really isn't even asking for forgiveness.
I want to die, but know that I cannot sin like that.

So, we have it out. I stay calm and listen to her as she describes losing sexual attraction to me. She assures me that I have been good to her (always making sure that she is satisfied before me, just as in everything else in life). This goes on and on but now, with tears, she says that she wants to serve God again and be with me.

I begin to pray with her and we take the sick days to talk, pray and read the Bible; specifically about confession, forgiveness, restoration, etc., along with a great marriage book. So far, she has only confessed to being attracted to someone who works at a hospital. My heart is shattered, never believing it to be true. Because of my work, I've already arranged to see him at the hospital to see what he looks like and compare myself. He is 10 years younger than me. No kids. No stress. I want to die. I want to forgive. I want to die. I want to be Christ-like. I don't believe that this is even happening.

We are on the couch facing each other, I am rubbing her feet (she loves that as do I, but it is about 99:1 that I rub her feet while she does not rub mine...) and I say to her,

Given your background and history, but also how you hate sin, will you be the type of wife that will sleep with someone else, have e-mails with, just see some one... with this new start we are trying to make, are you this kind of person?

"Yes, I am.", she says. "I have been seeing someone."

At first, I simply did not believe what she said. No, that isn't true and it never happened. Then, I felt myself slipping away; as if I were passing out. I thought everything was going black and suddenly, my chest heaved and my heart started with a heavy beat and I was back.

"Who?"

"I can't tell you".

"Can't tell me or WON'T tell me?".

" I can't tell you. I won't tell you".

After wrestling with that and seeing that I was not going to prevail, I said "well, you have put an end to us".

Then she told me.

A doofus cop. a small time detective. She had heard that he gets picked on a lot and felt sorry for him. I have been out on investigations with him and had to ask him to shut up because he is so ignorant. They have only exchanged e-mails, phone calls and met twice, in a parking lot, with she in her car and he in is; parked alongside, for 10 minutes.

Is it escalating? Who did the pursuing?

She, the shy, hurt victim of sexual assaults, says that she has pursued him. I open up Proverbs.

Did you use flattery? "Yes, I told him he was funny."

What else did you tell him?

I told him he was cute.

And so it went. We talked about "if only..." and we could "take a trip to _____" (big city)

Do you swear that it never went further than this?

I swear.
Do you promise before God, under oath, that it never went further than this? Say so before God?

I do.

I tell her: you call his office and tell him it is over. She gets his voice mail but won't leave a message.

"Why not? need personal contact? need to tell him in person? need to hear his voice??"

She says that she is not defending him but that he is scared that because of the jobs and the inappropriate behavior, that he will lose his job.

"You care whether or not this creep loses his job, but don't care that you have thrown away our whole lives??", I say.

So, I call and leave a message for him: you contact her, via e-mail, phone or in person, and I will report it to your superior. You will take no creepy trips with my wife, and I would like to meet you man to man.

So, for the next few days, we cry and cry and cry. We pray, we confess, we talk about restitution, loving me, rededicating her life to Christ, and try to hold up well in front of the kids. One of the teens, who passed up his dorm stating that he is actually staying here because he loves our home, but especially his step mother, is now suspicious and angry and starts plans to move to a new college in a few months. He is angry and says that he does not know what is going on but she has to treat my dad better.

I have meltdowns now. I cry with uncontrollable sobbing, no matter where I am, and must hide. The pain is worse than anything I could ever describe.

We continue to call in sick, spend hours talking in bed, and I so desperately want to believe her that she has told me everything. She looks at me right in the eyes, loves me with strong intimacy, like we used to have, and promises, "there is nothing else that happened".

My soul says otherwise.

Monday is approaching and she will be back at work. I am terrified.

So, on Saturday morning, I ask her if there is anything else that I should know. She insists that there is not, squeezes me, and tells me that she loves me. I feel guilty for thinking poorly of her...again.

I ask her to go for a walk. We have two dogs. I know she is tired (we have not slept in days) but I have a plan. I must know why the spirit of jealousy remains upon me (for those of you who know that portion of the bible).

We go for a loooooonnnnnggggg slow walk. I tell her that on Monday morning, I plan on meeting Det boyfriend, who, as a dolt, will not be able to withhold info from me. She knows him that way as well.

"Please do not let him hurt me by revealing something that would make me look like you have lied to me. I have been humiliated. He is going to tell the other cops about you, our name is shot, and we may have to move from this small town and uproot the kids...again.

As each street passes she tells of some innocuous comment passed between them. It feels like miles are passing. She stops and says, "I am really trying to remember everything. We talked about kayaking, maybe I didn't tell you that...".

I ask her if she is willing to let him slaughter me emotionally by telling me more about their relationship that I am not prepared to hear. She insists that she has told me everything, staring me in the eyes. I feel guilt....I love her so desperately, I feel guilt for pressing her. I think to myself, "I am a monster. She does not deserve me. Maybe she should be with him. I am a monster".

but, I let long gaps of silence as we walk work on her. Another mile, another 20 minute gap of silence; and she says, "there is nothing more to tell".

"Where does he live?", I ask. She says that she does not even know where he lives.

"Is there more to tell me?", I ask again.

With the silence, I think, "holy %^( ! she is going to tell me something", and my heart races; I have trouble breathing, but press on.

Then I think to myself, "this poor thing. She looks right at me and STILL I won't believe her." I feel worthless now, for having treated her this way.

We come to the corner of our home. The children are waiting. I stop and say, "well, here we are. I guess that is everything. I will talk to him on Monday. Is there anything else I should know so I don't get humiliated even more?".

"no, that is everything. I cannot think of anything more. I don't mind you talking to him if you think you need closure, but I would not let you get hurt. ...",

I thank for for that, but suddenly, she puts her head down.

I can feel my legs wobble beneath me, and think that I am going to pass out".

"There is more. I saw him, maybe more than just those 2 times in the car. I was in his car."

"Oh, God! Here it comes!", and I want to hear no more but I have to hear. I want nothing more to be said, but I know that I have to hear. Her "confession" was a fraud. She has dragged this on for days and days. There were more calls.

Next, there was a visit to his home. They only talked on the driveway, she did not enter the house.

I press.

Next, she saw the inside of his house, but only from the doorway. She never went inside. "This is the truth".

Next, she was inside his house, only once, well, maybe more than once, and sat on opposite couches.

And that is where she left it. We went to church the next day, I ran out with another meltdown of wretching, sobbing, wailing (no one heard me).

This went on for FOUR MONTHS.

She called and told her mother. Even her mother has given up and they both believe that she is a whore, and that she will destroy me and the children. The mother did not use those words. She did not have to. My wife is actually brilliant and she knows. Her mother was always her last defense in the world and would help her out. Not this time. The mother is done. The humiliation and pain that my wife has caused them is beyond help. They cannot forgive. The father's hatred will not become overt, rather than covert. Mother can no longer hide her contempt. Her father will eventually tell her, "you are not my daughter" and this time, the mother will consent.

So, she was the aggressor and pursued him. He even told her that it was wrong. She said that it was wrong (like the evil woman in Proverbs trying to paint herself as righteous, "I have paid my vows...".

it escalated:

e-mails, became more confident:

phone calls (she called him almost always)...got more comfortable

she asks to meet him--------parking lot, 10 minutes

she escalates to going to his home....only the driveway, then the door, then the living room. The story changed from not even a handshake, to a minor hug, to a long hug, with her head on his chest, and her arms around him.






Please voice your opinion.

Did she go to his bedroom?


Did they engage in sexual activity? (I fear it was oral sex)

Is she telling the truth? She has lied over and over and over...basically, even in prayer. She said that she did it not to hurt me, but it made it far, far, worse.


Most of all:

WILL SHE DO IT AGAIN? (given her pattern in life, and her promise not to again)


Please post your answers here. I cannot bear to give out my e-mail address.

[Guest]

I am a victim of unfaithfulness. You story wrenches my heart but I must say this:
Jesus must fill you. Not your wife. Reach out your hands to Him in your darkness (I´ve been there) and beg Him to fill you. Concentrate as much as your mind and heart will allow you to on your relationship with Him.
If she will not commit herself to NO contact with this man, tell her the relationship is over. If she can´t choose between a good husband and promiscuity, you must not put up with her. Tell her you will wait for her, but send her away.
Please read Surviving an Affair. It´s the best book I have seen in the year and a half I have suffered over my husband´s affair. And beg God to rescue you out of the pit. He will.

[Empty Shell of a Man]

thank you for the support, but would you please give your personal opinion on the questions at the bottom of the story?

I just don't trust my judgment anymore.

[SAM]

Deeply wounded people (your wife) do not usually heal without intensive counseling. From your post, it does not sound like this is something she has ever received on an in depth basis.

Without it, things are unlikely to change...ever. Her self-worth is not found in Christ, it is found in the attention of men. Whoever pays her the most attention, wins her heart.

Everything you have said tells me, she slept with this man. If not, she did everything else but. Which is still adultery. Scripture tells us very clearly that only lust needs to enter the heart for it to be adultery.

You will need help to heal your heart as well. This cannot be done on your own. There are patterns of brokenness that you both need to work on.

My heart and prayers are with you.

Dan B. Allender has written several books and holds clinics for women such as your wife. The Wounded Heart is a great book and Breaking the Idols of Your Heart.

[rdsmith3]

My prayers are with you, also.

Based on your story, I would guess that she was unfaithful. But I think you already know that.

She needs individual counseling, and a lot of it. At some point, you should see counseling as a couple. It is possible to overcome this and forgive.

Also, you did not ask about this, but you might want to reflect upon why you have made certain choices, marrying someone who " ...has a long history of sabotaging relationships and happiness, and believes that she deserves only rotten things." You wanted to "... take her and heal her...of her past."

Speaking to you as a Christian brother who has made my own bad choices, I encourage you to explore these issues and choices with a counselor. You cannot heal someone; only God can. You cannot even make someone want to get healed; only God can. Finally, consider if you may be looking for the kind of perfect love that only God can give you? I don't know -- it is just something to reflect and pray about, and talk to a counselor.

[empty Shell of a Man]

rdsmith,

I know. I have to find out.

just got off the phone with her---she is at work.

Each morning I wake up to new revelations of the affair. Each night I beg her to make sure she has told me everything. I cry and beg to know that it is all there is to know. Each day a new aspect comes out.

so, what today?

she admitted now to being at his house more,
sending him cards,
cuddling on the couch, holding hands, embracing...and wanting to kiss him but not. He putting his hand on her knee.

she denies intercourse and oral sex but I don't believe her.


I don't believe that there can be a confession until she comes clean. Each day she begs me to stay and forgive her but each day has a new revelation of what she did.

I have gone, in 1 week, from

just a few e-mails and a few calls (over a 4 month period?)

2 meetings in cars, no longer than 10 minutes, with each car pulled up alongside the other, but no physical contact at all.


to:

trips to his house,
the physical description above
cards, e-mails, phone calls,
baking cookies from my home...
wanting him


she is giving me details slowly and painfully saying that she worries about me melting down and worries that I will leave her. She cannot truly confess and pray with me until she owns what she has done. This she has not. She said that she will never admit to something that didn't happen and that other than this inappropriate touching, there was no other physical contact.

I don't believe her.


I think she may be that woman that Proverbs warns about.

[SAM]

Let's take a journey back in time since you walked the path of betrayal yourself with your past wife, how much grace do you have in you to give this wife?

How did you react when you were caught in the midst of your sin?
Did you immediately come clean, or try to hide everything?

Remember, she's not only hiding from you but trying to hide from God more.

It's important for you to go back and walk through that previous journey and remember...

Maybe, this will provide you with a picture of the Lord's grace and forgiveness. I pray it will.

[Empty Shell of a Man]

thanks...

I vomitted the whole thing up because I wanted so badly to be free from the guilt.

I just want the same.

When I married her, I somehow thought, "man, if we reap what we have sowed, even though I have repented, does it mean that this woman, that I love so, will do it to me?"

I asked myself that many times.

now I know the truth.

[rdsmith3]

If she is a believer, and she is asking for forgivness, then the Lord tells you to forgive. It is not easy, but our obedience to God requires that we follow his commands.

The next step for her, and for you, is to repent. It is not easy to change, especially if we have been thinking and behaving the wrong way for many years. But change is possible, and, indeed, required. In Matthew 18:3-4 Jesus said:

And he said: "I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Therefore, whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven.

Again, I am saying this to you as someone who has made many bad choices that I have had to repent of. I have sought Christian counseling, as has my wife, and it has been very beneficial for both of us. We have both had to make some significant changes in our lives.

With God's grace, and the help of the Holy Spirit, change is possible.

Finally, remember that all sin is an offense against God. You have been hurt, but God has been hurt infinitely more than you. In your current state, it is hard for you to understand this, but this is ultimately NOT about your feelings and how you have been hurt. If your priorities are in the right order, then you will seek to glorify God first, and follow his commands, regardless of your own suffering.

Keep in mind Romans 5:3-4

More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope,

It is natural to feel hurt. Let yourself feel that way for a bit, but don't dwell there. Remember that God is hurt, too. Focus on first doing things the way He wants, because He has an incredible gift for you -- the gift of salvation. That is the hope that comes out of all of this. Grab that hope and use this as the opportunity for you to get closer to Jesus, the one who died for your sins and mine, so that you may live.

[Empty Shell of a Man]

just an update...

I have never shed so many tears...breakdown daily....finally back to work. Lost 25 lbs due to the pain
Have wanted to die, felt better, nightmares, bad dreams, good times out to dinner, believing her confession, having doubts, getting angry, wanting to leave, telling her to stop me....

Why do I want to leave?

Simple, I love her so desperately that it feels like it is the only way I can keep from being hurt again. She has made herself sick with stress and pain and has been completely patient with my tears.

This is the worst pain in my life.

How about the in-laws? She was never close with her ever-disapproving dad, but it seems like when she told her mother, the mother has given up on her. It breaks my heart.

Here is the strange thing...

the best way for her to stop my hurting is for her to tell me how her guilt, or her pain from hurting me is impacting her! I care so much about her that I forget about my pain and try to minister to her.

I am weird.

My confidence is very shaky. I have given up my guitar playing and just want to smash it. I played for her. I fight to get back into it, but the interest is just not there. She is going to get a new job, but I am afraid that she will meet someone else along the way...again.

She is reading great material, and there is not a sliver of evidence to suggest her repentance is not genuine.

I often keep thoughts to myself so as to stop "punishing" her, but she seems to instinctively know when I have had a bad dream....my face gives it away, or I have tears streaming down my face.

just an empty shell of my former self, and really need to regain myself, at least be stronger for the kids (they don't know).

[rdsmith3]

Take a deep breath and say a prayer. Know that we are praying, also.

Now go back and read the very first thing you wrote -- I have no one to talk to. You asked for our opinion. What did we tell you? Several of us strongly recommended that both you and she need some intensive counseling. Have you done that? Have you gone to church? Have you prayed? Have you spent any time alone with God and His word?

As Jesus said to the man who had not walked in years, "Do you want to be healed?" If the answer is Yes, then you can find your healing in Him, and you cannot do it on your own. You will need the assistance of some Christian brothers.

I will keep praying for you.

Read Galatians 2:20

As much as this hurts, know that Jesus loves you and gave His life for you.

[rdsmith3]

I read something this weekend that made me think of your situation.

Hosea 3

Hosea Redeems His Wife
3:1 And the Lord said to me, “Go again, love a woman who is loved by another man and is an adulteress, even as the Lord loves the children of Israel, though they turn to other gods and love cakes of raisins.” 2 So I bought her for fifteen shekels of silver and a homer and a lethech of barley. 3 And I said to her, “You must dwell as mine for many days. You shall not play the whore, or belong to another man; so will I also be to you.” 4 For the children of Israel shall dwell many days without king or prince, without sacrifice or pillar, without ephod or household gods. 5 Afterward the children of Israel shall return and seek the Lord their God, and David their king, and they shall come in fear to the Lord and to his goodness in the latter days.

[Empty Shell of a Man]

Redsmith,

yes, we have gone to church, confessed together, even partook of the Lord's Supper. We have been praying together, reading the books recommended plus "Reforming Marriage" and "Protecting Your Marriage".

Here is where we stand. I have forgiven her, but now something new has arisen.

We have not gone to a counselor. This is a very small town and the shame is too much for her, and I understand. She told her mother and the condemnation was severe.

I may not have sinned directly, but covenantally, I am responsible. There were warning signs that I did not heed....last May.

She stopped eating. She has had an eating disorder since the assault when she was a teen. I am usually on top of this. This time, she really made me feel that it was not my place and she "wanted space". The church has no right to demand "space from Christ" and I was not loving her as Christ loved the church by giving in to her.

She did not talk about her nightmares, and anger. It comes up, every now and then. She has vague memories of sexual abuse as a child, and as it becomes more clear, it is scary. She would rather buckle down and be silent and let it destroy her.

Because her behavior was so bad after the assault, her parents have always dismissed her as rotten to the core. Drugs, sexual sins (they are not believers) etc. They have convinced her that she is worthless and something really amazing has happened.

She WAS sabatoging our happiness. She has always ruined her chance at happiness, but this time, she could not go through with it. This time, she, though dragged out and painful, decided to confess it to me.

Here is what I learned.

She has only been a believer for 3 1/2 years. She has never really been able to embrace forgiveness of Christ....His punishment was not enough, so she had to punish herself to be at her comfort level. She said that when she turned her back upon my love, it was as if she felt she was turning her back upon Christ, since I have always been kind to her. She said that when I forgave her, she finally understood the unconditional forgiveness of Christ! It was like a door that opened and fresh air came in. She feels that her self-punishment has lost its sting and power, and although she may still be on guard for it (as it is a sin) she feels that I loved her inspite of what she did, and now understands that Christ is not her 'father' standing with disapproval and condemnation, but with complete propitiation. (we are studying that).

I feel terrible about one thing: as a husband, I did not read the signs and I should have been able to see her slipping back into her old ways of not eating, being silent, taking stress internally and not talking about it. To be honest, I am like the "nice guy syndrome" who needs to assert his love. Christ's love if 100% efficacious, and mine was much too wimpy.

Since that time, she has had a nightmare or two, and a bout of irrational anger. This time, we prayed, she cried, I held her, and by morning, it was gone and she was herself again.

I am very very selfish. If only I had put a stop to the first signs of self-punishment in May, I would not have had gone through this, yet, she reminds me, that if she had not sinned, she would have not been able to grasp the forgiveness of Christ.

I have always raised my children with this: We do not condition God.

For instance, if we were planning a trip to the ice cream parlor and they started to fight I would, without a raised voice, simply spank them on the bottom with the spoon (as prescribed), no name calling. Just quietly explain the sin, and afterward, we would pray for forgiveness and then we would go off and get ice cream! Just as God is "without passion" I would show NO surprise at their sin (Imagine if we caught God by surprise and He started yelling, "WHAT DID YOU DO NOW!??"). I would not let their sin change me, as our sin does not change God.

Now, I just need the grace to continue this to my wife. Lord help me, as priest of the home, to bear the responsibility of the sin, and allow the Holy Spirit to work sanctification through us...

I struggle with memories, but the nightmares are not nightly now.

[rdsmith3]

I have committed the same sin myself -- not addressing sin issues with my wife.

It sounds like you and your wife are making some progress. I pray that you two are able to find counseling, and I also pray that you will find some brothers in Christ with whom you can share your struggles and who will hold you accountable.

[Empty Shell of a Man]

thank you for the prayers. .......

she is back to normal, but the few times darkness and depression have come upon her, I MADE her talk----after talking, we prayed and the next day, the irrational anger was gone. She is starting to remember more bad things about her father....

without revealing too much of myself, I would like to say this, a bit off topic, but for anyone who cares to know the "sinfulness of sin".
This is a fact:

if you take an infant female and molest her. Just once. Not "injure" her physically at all. Just once. Let's say it happened in the month of February.

When she is older, you will find that she may have behaviorable problems, self-hatred, self destruction, promiscuity, etc. She may even show this behavior in the cold weather, and seemingly be fine in warm weather.

Sin is so powerful. The body remembers the violation even if the mind was too young.

You may find this controversial, but my work (not with my wife) has seen it over and over and over.

Of course, the world has NO SOLUTION. We have forgiveness in Christ and we can minister that way.

I just wanted to toss that out.

Okay, back to me.

It has helped me to write here. We are not in counseling because of the small town and gossip. It is bad. Even in churches.

What was she doing, calling and meeting this guy?

She said that she felt a comfort level going back to her old life of self-punishment. She would starve herself. She is physically very beautiful, but hates kissing. Why? she does not like a face to be that close to hers because she thinks she is ugly. She thinks she is fat (so thin) and ugly.

What has helped her with the eating disorder, since coming to Christ is this:

1. She is to dress to please her husband (just as I am to dress to please her)

2. Her body is a temple of the very Spirit of God. It also belongs to me, not her; and mine belongs to her, not me. So, in obedience to her hubby, she is eating 3 meals a day, repenting for wanting to starve herself.

3. We clothes shop together (yes, I am a guy). This helps her, and is a comfort to her.

4. She has been reading Romans where she is seeing that predestination means that God loved her BEFORE TIME. That He called her and is sanctyfing her. She is learning, from Isaiah, that Jesus, on the cross, thought of her, and was "satisfied" in saving her. The travail of His soul was worth it to save her (and us!).

5. She has repented of dishonesty.

6. She now has, gently, turned her heart away from her parents, who are not believers. They disparage Church and the Bible to her and she feels that she is too young in Christ (3+ years) to have anyone try to put doubts in her heart. Also, as she remembers more about her father, she knows that her mother knew, and failed to protect.....this is causing THEM to pull away from her. They only know her as a "loser" who is without morals; which is the self-destructive life she once led.

She feels that without me, she will return to the only life she has known: be used and abused.

The strange thing also is this: I have been writing to you all, who have been so kind to me, about 4 months of her life; but the other 3 years she has been so wonderfully kind, considerate, compassionate, selfless and hungry for God's Word.

I do forgive her and try to have my "melt downs" away from her, so she does not feel that I am punishing her.

She said that my forgiveness is what taught her that it is okay to accept Christ's forgiveness.

I bought her a ring. A Claddaugh ring. I did it right after the full repentance.

Why?

She thought, "Why would this guy buy me a ring after what I have done to him?".

To teach her that God's love is unconditional, and that sometimes we get more grace where sin abounds (not that we should sin to get more grace, Paul said!).

She did not "earn" or do something to "deserve" the beautiful ring. It was a sacrifice to afford it, but it was an echo of the prodigal son. When he came to himself, the father ran to him and put a new ring on him. We are letting the new ring symbolize our forgiveness and new beginning.

So, I know this sounds good, but I have my moments. Pictures from the summer hurt me. I have deleted a lot of them. I had to. Mention of a cop being involved in a case of hers tears me up (she is looking for a new job). How long until he boasts to someone? How long until my name gets smeared in small town USA?

She knows that but I have vowed to stand beside her and hold our heads up. He that is forgiven much, loveth much, and to heck with dirty looks and snears and knowing glances. We are Christ's own.

Please continue to pray for me. I am getting stronger, but there are still nightmares and depressions...........I am under a doctor's care and am trusting in Christ as my portion..............where else can we turn but to Him?

I thank God that I have had a place to vent. Thank you for listening...