Growthtrac Community

[tamm32]

My step daughter and I have come so far! The first few years of our family blending was tough.... she'd just reached puberty and me having had passed puberty and then some So you can see where the conflict would come right?

So in the last few years I've been telling her to keep her room clean...she's 14. However she will not KEEP her room clean. She'll clean it up today and tomorrow it will look like a tornado went through it. I tell her over and over again...have even come up with creative ways to work with her on this room cleaning thing.... but I tell her all the time to clean her room. I mean its nasty for a young lady to have her room the way she keeps hers...yesterday I left her a funny note about her room and we talked again about it...well today it once again looks like a tornado went through it...I did notice yesterday that she didnt clean it up after we talked but I wasnt going to press the issue.... However I just dont get it.....

I tell her over and over and over and over again to clean her room, she does it for a day and then tomorrow its a mess. Mind you this has been going on for some years now.....

This may seem like something really small and in a sense it is but I am concerned if she's understanding or not or if she's just determined to do things her way and make the excuse that he room isnt dirty (so she thinks) when clearly it is......

She's a very smart girl so why isnt she getting it? Is this all kids?

I'm wondering do I continue to set consequenses (strick ones) because I've told her so many times or do I just go her way and act like I dont see it? I guess I just dont understand how you can tell her to do something and then she doesnt do it!

But I still love her I'm not making this a deep issues at all because it isnt...I just need to know how to handle this as a step parent before I go insane

[rdsmith3]

Step-parenting is certainly tough. Here just some ideas to think about.

First, is your husband aligned with you on this? If not, why not? Otherwise, if your step daughter is getting mixed signals from the two of you, she will exploit the difference.

Second, is this a battle worth fighting? If the answer is no, then let it go, and tell her to keep the door closed. If the answer is yes, then you have to calmly inform her of the consequences, and then stick to them. She will not clean her room unless she wants to, or unless she knows that you will enforce that rule.

Finally, is the messy room a power struggle over something else? In my experience, that is usually the case.

Good luck!

[babycakes]

Having just finished walking through the teenage years with two girls -
close the door. That's the way she wants it - so let it be. If she invites friends over, she'll be embarrassed enough to clean it.

Usually once a month, so we didn't grow mold , I would go into the room and just annouce it was clean-up day. We would do it together, have fun sitting around and giggling. Decide what needs to go to Good Will, etc.

If it's been awhile since the room has been painted or redecoated, that's usually an incentive for pride in their room. But, it still doesn't mean it will always stay as clean as "you" would like it to be.

So, I had to let it go. One eventually was a neat freak and the other never kept things picked up.

In the scheme of things... a dirty room just isn't worth the battle.

I think someone else on the boards once shared that aliens inhabited the mind and body of their daughter at age 12 and returned her to normal at 22.

[tamm32]

Laughing about the aliens..... Now that I think about it

Its not a battle or a power struggle that I'm looking to win (been there done that, waisted time and energy...so that's not it)....I was just honestly wondering was it wrong to continue to tell her to clean the room over and over again or does my not telling her to clean it when she should makes it seem like I am going her way. Either way its no worth the time and energy.... Babycake you make a good point about just closing the door. This allows her to take responsibility for it.

I love my SD but sometimes I dislike being her step mom. I'm working on connecting with her emotionally..... I know she needs me but I sometimes feel I dont have the energy to meet the needs she has (the lack of love from her bio mom). But because I know she needs me I force myself to get over my own hangups.... So I pray and God gives me direction...

And yes, husband totally supports me...he's not as observing as I am but he supports me.

[SAM]

I look at it as a communication concept -

When we interract with our spouse and choose to say something over and over and over again, it's usually because something is not getting through or they disagree, or they are plain tired of hearing us and chose to pretend they did not hear.

We'll we either have to let is go, or sit down and work out the issue.

So, you can ask her if it's important to her to have her room clean. She may tell you no. Then you can share with her that it makes you feel better to have it clean, but you also understand it's her room.

Then ask if you two can come to some sort of compromise that every other week, it gets picked up - dusted and vacuumed.

That's a compromise, in that she doesn't have to do it every time you ask and she understands it's important to you to not grow mold.

[greenwidow]

My daughter and I just had a phone conversation with her at college, cleaning her room. She said she feels guilty when the rest of the dorm sees her space so she sets one day a week to clean it up. Does it stay clean all week, no, but it is ingrained. Her bedroom was a mess constantly, when she was at home. That's why I giggled when she told me she was cleaning.

Close the door and every few days request that laundry and the backpack be cleaned out.

[rdsmith3]

And yes, husband totally supports me...he's not as observing as I am but he supports me.

I am the same way with my wife -- not as observing -- it must be a guy thing.