Growthtrac Community

[step-girlfriend]

Hello, I need some serious help. My boyfriends 13 year old son is coming out of state to live with us in our small 2 bed 2 bath 1130 square foot condo. The son currently not in school and running the streets. His mother is not doing her parental duties. My boyfriend's relationship with his son is more of a buddy buddy and they do not talk offen.

My boyfriend does not plan things very well and I am afraid I will be doing all the work. I grew up in a very strick household. He is more of the kind who is not consistant with rules. I know this because we have a 1 year old dog which we raised from 6 weeks. He tends to think everything will work itself out. He gets annoyed with issues I bring up and does not want to talk about it.

Does anyone have any advice for me......PLEASE.....HELP!!!!!

[babycakes]

Hi there - welcome. We're glad you've joined us.

Just based on the dynamics and what you see already, it would be wise to get some help. This means family counseling with your pastor or a Christian counselor.

Teens are a challenge at best. I just walked through this with my kids and it's tiresome and you want to pull your hair out at times. If you're not on the same page with discipline and being a united front with the kids, they see right through you.

Have you ever had kids of your own?
If not, my non-kid friends are experts.
I still love them, but honestly they have great high ideals for how kids should be raised. Unless, they are in the middle of the battle for kids souls and what our culture likes to throw at them, they honestly have no clue what it's going to be like.

Be prayed up - together. As you will find you're on your knees all the time for this young man.

He sounds like he needs consistency in his life - both of you need to provide it - together. His dad will have to step up to the plate and be a dad - not a buddy.

Some great books to pick up together or for your boyfriend-

The Five Love Languages of Teenagers by Gary Chapman
Your Boy: Raising a Godly Son in an Ungodly World by Vicki Courtney
Better Dads, Stronger Sons: How Fathers Can Guide Boys to Become Men of Character by Rick I. Johnson

Your concerns are valid ones. You are looking at potential pitfalls in very close quarters.

It's OK to speak with your boyfriend about expectations, concerns, and how you will do this together as a couple.

[step-girlfriend]

I have no kids of my own but i have worked with abused and abusive children in a residential treatment program for 4 years. I have work at the YMCA as well as CIT and Counselor at a church camp. I do have experience and I think that is why I am (to be honest) scared, because I already see the future and I am not sure I am strong enough for this.

[rdsmith3]

Hi and welcome.

There are certainly a lot of serious issues that you have identified. Before anything else, though, can you tell us how is your relationship with God, your relationship with your boyfriend, and then how is his relationship with God?

It is possible to resolve these issues if you have a firm foundation. Your foundation is first, your relationship with God, and second, your relationship with your boyfriend. If either of these are not solid then introducing this boy into the mix will most likely cause problems in your relationship with your boyfriend, and it will also affect the child.

Finally, I am asking you this out of Christian love and not in a judgmental way, but why are you and your boyfriend not married? Can you understand that bringing a child into a relationship that is not bound by a promise, especially when he has experienced divorce/separation, is adding to the potential problems of the child?

[step-girlfriend]

I certanly respect you questions! We are engaged and have been for 1 1/2 years. I am not in any hurry to get married because of the divorce rate is SO high it is almost 51% divorce to 49% stay married. You have to look at the crazy world we live in and realize that things are changing and the taditional values are disappearing. I grew up going to church and then in the summers I went to church camp for 8 weeks out of the summer. I did that for 8 years. I also grew up in a strick household with a father who was never there and a mother who drank all the time and did not love me and she made sure i knew that. I am adopted in a family which is not my own race, so i dont even look like them.

My relationship with god is solid.....I talk to him all the time and think about him. My boyfriend has almost memorized the bible, he prays before every meal. We are currently not attending church. I have already inquired into a church and have one picked out.

[rdsmith3]

I would really like to respond more to this when I have time. Right now I am leaving work to go to a "Love and Respect" seminar at our church with my wife. (Please pray that this helps our marriage.)

Anyway, step-girlfriend, I can tell you from personal experience that you are right to be scared. When my wife and I got married, my oldest son, who was 13 at the time, did some disturbing things, including threatening to kill us. It caused tremendous damage to our marriage. Thank God (literally) that we are still together and working on the issues with a good Christian counselor.

[step-girlfriend]

well.......thanks for everyone for alllllll of you help!!!! i came to this website thinking you all would have some good insight and as i see by only 2 responses i was wrong. sorry if you all dont agree with my situation but it is what it is and there is nothing you can do about it.
When you realize what the world is about you understand that you just try the best you can and deal with the result.
[/b] i will not recommend this community to anyone, as i am very disappointed in my experience!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[rdsmith3]

I'm sorry we were not helpful. It is a complex situation -- more than we can possibly resolve with such an impersonal and incomplete method of communication -- so we suggest that you get some good Christian counseling.

I think the basic points are:

- You are right to be very concerned
- If your relationship with your fiance is not solid, his son will tear it apart
- If your relationship with your fiance is not permanent, it is also a disservice to the child because he has already seen people come and go. It is not good if he forms a relationship with you, and then you end up not continuing your relationship with your fiance.
- Both of you must have, first and foremost, a good relationship with God.
- I am not trying to be judgmental, but from what you said, it seems like your boyfriend needs some good Godly advice about parenting. If he is not consistent and tries to avoid issues, you might end up with a kid-centered household rather than a parent-centered family. It is important for you two to be aligned and consistent, or a child will exploit it.

Beyond these basics, how else can we assist you?

[rdsmith3]

I feel very badly that you did not find what you were looking for here. After thinking about it some more, I want to suggest to you that we cannot tell you what to do. You ultimately have to decide what to do with your life and your walk with God. Your concerns are right on target. Does that mean you should leave the relationship? Does it mean you should stick it out and try to raise the child with your boyfriend? Does it mean you should stay in the relationship but give your boyfriend an ultimatum -- it's me or the child?

We cannot possibly tell you what to do. You really need to spend more time with some Christians whose advice you trust and value and talk this over. You need to pray. You need to read His word. That is how you will gain the wisdom to know what to do.

I have pointed out some areas that are potential problems based on my life's experiences, but they are limited.

I pray for you, that you will make wise decisions, and that this will work out for God's glory, and it will work out best for all involved.