Growthtrac Community

[dwhitbrook]

Hi! i'm new,
But I have wanted to ask this question for some time now.
I have attended many womens retreats that emphasize, how we should not have a headache, and we(women) should meet our husbands needs etc. You know what I mean.
But I have never read an article that addresses the husband who refuses to meet his wife's needs. Does not appreciate advances from his wife or even, a touch or massage, refuses to take a shower when he comes home from work because he says it will keep him up all night. States his wife acts as if she's possessed if she touches him.(gently). And then gets upset that his wife now sleeps in the other bedroom so that she does not become consumed with this issue.

[SAM]

I've been married for 31 years - and, if my husband responded in this manner, I would be making an appointment to see a marriage counselor and the 2nd appointment would be to see the doctor together.

I only say this because there are other contributing factors other than no showers and no sex. Control may be one of them and lack of desire may be the other. Men can and do go through changes in testosterone and I've spoken with women who have experienced this with their husbands as their husbands get into their 40's, 50's and 60's.

Remember, our men peak sexually in their late teens and early 20's. We peak in our late 30's and early 40's.

And, I am starting to see subtle changes in my husband who is 52 - his desire is still there, but not as frequently as it used to be. It just means more patience on my part and fully enjoying the times when we are intimate.

Sleepy in separate bedrooms would not be my solution to the situation.
It's definitely not a win-win for either of you, it's a lose-lose.

Lastly, if my husband refused intimacy - then I'd be asking him why. If he's unwilling to give me an honest answer, then I would say counseling is the next step. It needs to be discussed with a professional to get to the bottom of what the issue really is.

You are not crazy for wanting affection and intimacy from him - it's a natural desire that was designed by God to be a part of marriage.

[rdsmith3]

Sorry to hear that you are going through this. It must feel like you are being rejected.

Speaking as a man, I infer that this about more than sex. I cannot imagine not wanting to be intimate with my wife, and I am 47. It seems like he is putting up some walls for some reason.

Some good Christian counseling would help to get at the heart of what is going on in your relationship.

[softy7]

Hello everyone.
My husband and I have the same issue. We're in our mid-30's and we've been married for 4 years now. But for the past couple years sex has to be on his terms. (ie. after he finishes watching TV, if he's not already asleep, if he's in the mood, etc.) Unless he touches me, sex is not going to happen. After getting so frustrated with feelings of rejection, I asked him how would he feel if I said no everytime he wanted to be intimate. He said he wouldn't feel very good about it and promised that we'd have sex anytime I want to. Well, it sounded great when we talked about it. Especially the fact that he finally placed himself in my shoes. But now, I am insecure with initiating sex out of fear of rejection or thoughts that he's only doing it because I complained about it. Knowing my husband, I believe his rejecting me is another form of him trying to be in control, not controlled.

[dwhitbrook]

I have asked why and i get Im tired, most of the time.The rest of our marriage is not bad. However the issue that disturbs me is I am made to feel I am wrong for wanting to be intimate. ie:" you act like you are posessed was a response I got when I rolled over and put my arm around him.In the early part of our marriage I stopped wearing lingerie and scented lotions because it indicated I wanted sex if i did. Many time I wanted intimacy whether it meant sex or not.I know I am not wrong. and like our other responder softy i sometimes get a verbal committment to do better beut it does not really happen. I am praying about this, Oh and I am back in the joint room!
And i have to say i think my issue may be a control issue as well.

[softy7]

Thank you for sharing your experience, I am glad to know that I'm not alone. I always read articles and hear about how sexual intimacy is one of the most important desires in marriage for men. However, this is not the case with my spouse. I stopped wearing lingerie for a little while until he started complaining about it. He said it stimulates his desire to be intimate, however, it rarely happens. So, I just wear them anyway knowing that I'm doing my part. I have just decided that this is an area that God will have to heal. Whatever my husband's issue is, he'll have to answer to the Lord. I will have to appreciate him for being a good husband in the other areas of our marriage. And, seek intimacy from my Heavenly Father. I must admit He has provided. I am trusting that He will give me a heart of contentment in this situation and I will pray the same for you.

[dwhitbrook]

Thank you as well, I know my husband is having an issue and it is not what it seems, and as a christian wife, I must pray for patience and "thank you " contentment. I will also pray for you. God Bless you.

[softy7]

Thank you. God bless.

[km]

Get him to the doctor, soon. Normal, healthy men (in an otherwise healthy marriage) are not going to be "too tired" or too anything very often.

Depression? Hormonal imbalance? Some other problem? Good possibilities. Check them out.

[Pearl to God]

Unfortunately I agree. Counseling would be good, but a doctors visit would be what I would advise initially.... my husband came back from a Christian men's conference where the speaker was giving a really good frank talk to the guys about sex and relationships. He basically said a man would only say no to sex if he was about to die! He said if a man could have sex all day every day... he probably would. it's just the way they are built. even older men, who may have trouble physically with it, still have a strong desire for sex.
The only othjer thing I would ask ( and I'm sorry to ask it) is maybe you need to ask him if he has been/being unfaithful? - I have been in this position, thats the only reason why I mention it... and after many moths of counselling/therapy/prayer/time we are back on track... but it may be worth pondering?
Will pray for you sweets.

[km]

my husband came back from a Christian men's conference where the speaker was giving a really good frank talk to the guys about sex and relationships. He basically said a man would only say no to sex if he was about to die! He said if a man could have sex all day every day... he probably would. it's just the way they are built. even older men, who may have trouble physically with it, still have a strong desire for sex.

I think most of the men I know fit that description. I think that few, if any, of our wives have even the very faintest hint of understanding that to be the case. For all of the reading and talking and conferencing and retreating that women's ministries do, why are so many good and diligent Christian women so clueless about what men are realy like? It seems that there is a great deal of effort put into emasculating men and/or trying to turn us into something we're not (and may not even be able to be - or worse yet, whom you wouldn't want to be with if you were successful in changing us into)? Why is there little to no instruction about this is the way men are, this is what they really need, and if they get their needs actually met they'll be so eager to please you that they'll literally kill themselves in the effort (and with a smile on their face)?

This seems to be rather a threadjacking to delve into here - perhaps I'll toss this up as another thread of its own.