Growthtrac Community

[sisi]

Hi,

I am having an issue right now...any Godly advice you have on this matter woud be greatly appreciated.
I have posted before, but just to introduce my self again, I am 22 and married, and have 4 young children. I am currently in school full time and want to apply to law school for next September.
The dilemma I am having is that my husband is always telling me that I never spend enough time with him and that I never help with the housework anymore.
But it is next to impossible! I mean, the children are in daycare until 6pm, then my husband picks them up, feeds them, bathes them, then puts them all to bed at 8:30.
I don't get home until 10:30 (or later if I have a paper or exam coming up) and then I am dead tired. I want to spend time with my family, but also want to become a lawyer because its something I've always wanted to do.
But am I being selfish for wanting to become a lawyer? I feel so guilty sometimes that I cant spend time with them and I miss them so much all the time.
What should I do? Pursue my dreams of becoming a lawyer, or become a stay at home mom?
Please help...my application is due next week and I'm really considering whether or not to send it in...
Thank you and God Bless.

[babycakes]

It's time to sit down with your husband and discuss hopes, dreams and goals. You both need to be in this together - not just one of you.

Also, during this discussion, talk about hiring a housekeeper to come in every other week.

[FaithHopeJoy]

Sisi

I read back over your previous posts. What a year you have had!

Some people would commend you for aspiring to enter Law School with 4 children under 4. Others would question whether you have taken this to God and prayerfully considered if you have your priorities in the right order. From what you have disclosed in your earlier posts, your relationship with your husband was already on shaky ground.

Perhaps you should pause and ask yourself if your current actions are likely to contribute towards healing in your marriage or further harm the relationship?

Stay close to God - He will NEVER let you down.

[SAM]

Your husband is trying in the best way he knows how to communicate with you that this is not making him happy and has the potential to not make the family very happy - he's sending smoke signals you're not seeing because your focus is elsewhere.

But it is next to impossible! I mean, the children are in daycare until 6pm, then my husband picks them up, feeds them, bathes them, then puts them all to bed at 8:30. I don't get home until 10:30 (or later if I have a paper or exam coming up) and then I am dead tired

How many days a week is your family living through this scenario?

Of course you can become a lawyer, but what will be the cost? If you each sat down and did a pro vs con on a sheet of paper, I'm sure your views would be very different.

Ask yourself, is this more about what I want or what my family needs from me?

[sisi]

Thank you all for your responses.

This has been going on since September about 4 days a week. I love my kids so much and I want to spend time with them, but whenever I'm with them all day until my husband comes home I feel like I'm losing my mind!

Its not like I can take them all with me outside or anywhere else for that matter on my own (I look ridiculous with the twins in the double stroller, the baby in the Snuggli and trying to keep my 3 yr old from running away).

I know that raising children is one of the most important tasks that God gave to mothers, but I want my kids to look up to me and I also want to earn a good income so that I can eventually spend more time with my family and work in the church. I mean, that's my main goal - to earn enough money so that I wont have to work so much, and I can spend my time helping those who are less fortunate.
I volunteer on Wednesdays at an afterschool program for at risk youth, and I absolutely love the feeling of encouraging and helping those children. My husband also wants to volunteer with me.
I also really feel that God has called me to financially bless others, but now I'm wondering, 'is becoming a lawyer the only way?'

Arrghhh, I'm so confused now. So so soooo confused.

[greenwidow]

I totally understand you need to further your education and get a better job. It is difficult, when you have the potential, and you see things slipping away. I have been there.

There was a report published recently, that said that couples that read devotionals together, at least three times a week, have only a 1% divorce rate. Devotionals take as little as 10 minutes to do. Go to a Christian bookstore and get a devotional to start you out. Make time at the end of the day to have a devotional with your husband, whether you feel like it or not. Spend a few minutes after a devotional with a candle burning, and talk about what your days were like.

It sounds like your husband is getting better with the children. My husband was too. When people asked him how he handled the kids, he proudly told people they were his children too and he had equal responsibility in taking care of them. Give him a real sense of the appreciation of how good he is with the children.

You do have three days with your kids. Make them the best and give 150% to your home tasks when you are there. It sounds like four children under four is overwhelming for you. They are here and I am certain that you do enjoy them. Raising children is one of the most important jobs that God gave PARENTS. Just because you are female doesn't make you a parenting expert. Don't worry about looking foolish with the children. Engage your oldest in the care of the younger children. When I had my second child I told the first one that she had the opportunity to be a great big sister. I also told her that I was an awful big sister and she had the chance to do something better than Mommy. I told her all the things her sibling would count on her for and that I appreciated everything she did. She kept up with that until she went to college this year. There are still phone calls home to make sure we are all okay.

Get into a routine. My brother is only three years younger than I am, but he had children much later in life. I was at his house one day and I asked him why he was picking up toys. He said the kids never picked up after themselves. I told him that was nuts, unless he wanted to be following them for the rest of his life. The next week, he dealt with temper tantrums as he asked the kids to take their plates to the sink and at a certain time of the day, put all their toys away. They are two and three. At the end of the week, they complied without tears or tantrums. It was a small step, but less stressful for him. He thanked them profusely for doing such a good job and eventually they took pride in everything they did.

Go outside with the kids, no matter how difficult. Every place is an adventure. We went to the dump, the rock quarry, library with a children's section and programming, the strawberry patch, the pumpkin patch, and the Amish grocery store out on the farm. Dirt is okay and any outing tends to run the energy out of the kids. Do not be embarrassed when the kids ask questions about the places you go. Your little sponges are learning to communicate with others and are gathering information about the world around them.

Cook with the kids watching and helping. There are several great books out there for cooking with kids. They love to make their own meals. Lay out plates of cheese, peanut butter, jelly, bread, cubed foods, and let them create their own meal. We used to make english muffin pizzas...they loved it, especially watching the food cook throught the window. If you and your husband can do it...supervise the kid's dinner, but save something a little bit special for an adult dinner and eat late together. Even add candles.

I know from other posts that life has not been easy, but if you are close to becoming a lawyer, you need to have a sit down with your spouse and look at the time required for this venture, versus the emotional and financial cost. When I was in graduate school, a friend told me that it was much easier with little ones than after they got older. As small children, they don't remember the time you put in. As teenagers they track everything that you miss.

The order from God is God, Spouse, Children. Your dreams have to fit with God's plan for you and your spouse's needs. Is it that he is having problems with your going to school, because it limits his freedom? Is he not thinking of the potential that a better job could bring to your family? But if you are blindly following your ambition, because it's your dream, you are also not thinking of your spouse. Anyone can get through a few years of sacrifice. You just can't make it a lifestyle afterward. There have to be clear goals and timing that is agreed upon by everyone. Remember it is hard for some men to deal with a woman that has better earning potential.

When you finish schooling the first few years as a lawyer will be less than profitable. Your real earning potential will happen about 10 years after graduating, but at your age, that is still probably before you are 40.

God Bless

[sisi]

green widow,

Thank you for the response! I am such a sap, I swear tears were coming to my eyes because I realize that I really don't know what to do with my children.

Your idea about mealtimes is great! When they are at daycare, they sit down at a table and feed themselves, compared to when I bring them home and simply put them in the high chair and feed them so I can get it over with minimal time and mess.

Bad huh?

Before I started going to school I had so much energy to go out with them, but now I'm always exhausted and irritable.

I dropped one of my courses today, because I didn't really need it- I was only taking it for my own personal interest. So now I can actually cook a meal on Mondays and pick up the kids so that my husband doesn't have to. Maybe I can take a much needed rest as well

I also talked things over with hubby yesterday, and he said that he wants me to go to law school, but he also wants me to pay attention to him while I'm not at school - just like you said. I have four days off now, so now I have no excuse.

We started reading Christian books the other day, and have made it a nightly habit to pray together before we go to bed. We're also looking for a church in the area (we just moved to a new city) that has small group.

While I was online today, I also found out that the school I'm applying to has an extended time option available to those who have other responsibilities. This means that I dont have to take a full course load every semester. Less courses = more time with family.

While you were in grad school, how old were your children and did your schooling (negatively) affect your relationship with them and/or your husband?

[greenwidow]

Sisi,

Some secrets they don't tell you at young mother's club... You are not going to have all the answers...ever. Find a local, older mother with children that you admire and go to her for questions about making it happen in your home. Her life experiences might not be the same as yours, but it will be a starting place and a sounding board and you will be giving strokes to another mother for doing a good job.

My children were 15 months and 6 when I went to graduate school. Yes, I only had two children, but that was because my husband and I decided that it was the number of kids that we could handle and both do the things that we were doing at that point of our life. It was a discussion that we had before marriage, along with careers, religion, and economic goals.

Being in school didn't impact us that much. By the time I was ready to go to graduate school, he had already had career moves that had kept him on the road, and sometimes even keeping him out of town several days at a time. That prepared us for breakdowns in our relationship later. We mistakenly thought that our job was to be the very best parents to our children and then come back and focus on us as a couple afterward.

Life would have been much easier over time if we had focused on being a couple a little bit at a time over the years. Don't quit dating your spouse. Take time to breathe with them. Don't forget to laugh and cry with them and sometimes just dance in the living room after the kids are in bed. Your kids should see you holding hands, exchanging kisses, and playing.

Make religion a priority in your life. Don't see it as a requirement, but as a recharge. Let it be a fresh start to your week and make sure that the kids get an opportunity for Sunday School.

I could go on about child-rearing, but it should probably be a topic in another forum or you could email me off list. Taking time to eat meals slowly with your kids, teaches them to value family time, early. Ask your three year old to tell stories during dinner time. Quickly, your two year olds will join in the game. Ideas for playing with your children, checkout the following books, "I Can Make a Rainbow," by Marjorie Frank, "Puddles and Wings and Grapevine Swings," Imogene Forte, and "Family Math," Jean Kerr Stanmark. Count, run, jump, and color! Involve them in everything you can around the house. One of my favorite activites as a child was getting to use Grandma's feather duster to slowly run over every surface in the house. My oldest loved to squish cans for recycling, as a toddler, but then Grandpa had made a very cool shoot that went to the basement and deposited the cans in a basket, for weekly removal.