Growthtrac Community

[Alicia]

My fiance & I are currently planning our wedding but still have a pretty big question to answer: what church will we belong to when we are married & have a family? I am a member of the catholic church while my fiance attends a non-denominational christian church. We both appear to be content with attending each other's churches currently without actually becoming a member of the other's church. However, once we have children, we are afraid that by attending multiple churches, we will only confuse them & have them question their faith as well as ours. I personally believe that my future wife & I could handle this problem, but, my fiance feels it would be better if we decided on one church to belong too. The problem is that we both love our current churches, which both of our respective families attend, & do not want to become members of the other's church. It has come to the point where we both feel like separating since we can't seem to find peace in trying to find a middle road. However, we both love one another & we would hate to ruin a potentially great marriage over one obstacle, albeit a big obstacle. Any thoughts or comments on how this issue can be resolved would be greatly appreciated.

[SAM]

It's a common problem for many couples -

The problem is that we both love our current churches, which both of our respective families attend.

Honestly ask yourselves - Is this situation more about what will our families think? How can I disappoint them? How can I turn my back on my upbringing? Is family saying this will draw you away from your faith?

It's time to start looking for "our church". This takes "my" church out of the equation or "my family's church".

It may take several weeks of checking out new places you both like, but it will be worth the effort. If it is a denominational issue, then you need to talk at a more in-depth level about what this really means for your future together. Can she convert to Catholism or can you change to a non-demoninational church?

Here's a story recently posted on Growthtrac about a couple who faced a very similar problem -

http://www.growthtrac.com/artman/publis ... n-1103.php

This needs to be resolved before marriage and not swept under the table hoping the issue will go away.

If you've thought about breaking up because of this issue, why would you move forward with marriage? Is this more about who's right and who's wrong in their beliefs?

The most important thing is that you understand where each other is at spiritually. Are you on the same page? Deep down, that means asking some really tough questions such as -

1) Why do you love Jesus?
2) Has there ever been a time in your life where you said, "My life is in your hands Lord, I ask you for forgivenss of my sins and ask you to be my savior and the leader of my life?"

2 Corinthians 6:14
Do not be joined together with those who do not belong to Christ. How can that which is good get along with that which is bad? How can light be in the same place with darkness?

[rdsmith3]

It's great that you are addressing this issue before you are getting married and before you have kids. Sam makes excellent points above.

My wife and I faced a similar decision when we got married in 2003 (second marriage for both of us). I was raised Catholic and had been going to a Catholic church with my kids. She was going to a non-denominational evangelical church with her two kids.

I decided to start going to her church because I did not think it would work out for us to go to two separate churches. It would reinforce a natural split in a blended family. It was not a decision I made lightly, and I thought about it and prayed about it for months before I felt peace with God. I believe it was the correct decision for us, for a number of reasons. First, it meant that we worshiped God together as a family, we were involved together in fellowship with other members, and we were involved together in church activities. Second, a husband is called to be the spiritual leader of the family, and I had to set the right direction in this area. Third, my wife had made a number of compromises in other areas, and I could not insist on getting my way in everything. So I started going to an unfamiliar church, and I had to see for myself if there was anything "un-Christian" about it. Again, after thought, prayer, testing the doctrine, and a good dose of wisdom from the Holy Spirit, I believed I was making the right choice.

We have since left that church and are now going to "our" church, and we are very glad that we made that choice together. So I think that Sam's advice is really important -- you should pick your own church, that will be your new family's church, that is separate from the ones you went to in the past. You should not be concerned with what your family thinks. You should make the best choice for how your new family can worship and glorify God. (My Catholic mother still does not get it, but so be it.)

As for the issue of which Christian denomination, I can offer my perspective, but please take it as just that. I am not telling you what you should do -- I am just explaining my growth as a Christian.

I was raised Catholic and went to Catholic schools for 16 years. I went to church on Sundays, but I would not say that God was an intimate part of my life, and certainly not the most important part of my life. I regret that my life was that way, but it was. I would also have told you that Jesus was our savior and He died for our sins.

In the past few years, I have grown to believe that Jesus is my savior, and he died for my sins. This has made a profound difference in my life. I want to always improve my relationship with my Savior, so I have a burning desire to learn more about Him and to read His word. I realize that my sins are personal offenses against Him. I realize that I do not need an intermediary (priest, bishop, or pope) to have this relationship. I surrender myself to the Lord, and I personally ask Him for help in time of need. That is why I now go to an evangelical Christian church, and not to a Catholic church.

Again, I am not criticizing the Catholic faith, and I sincerely believe that many Catholics are true Christians will be rewarded in heaven.

Please carefully consider this important decision.

[FreshfireRev]

First off, let me give credit to whom credit is due. Alicia, thank you for being bold enough to ask such a huge, important question. Thank you also to Sam & RJ, for being willing to tackle and address a topic that almost begs discussion, (especially in Christian circles!) Although your answers were good and helpful, they were just the icing on the cake. That being said, I am going to take us beyond the icing on the cake, to a much deeper, more significant issue, that issue being "family" unity.

In the last few years of living here in Minneapolis, MN, I have had the extremely beneficial experience and pleasure of knowing and befriending Brother Dan Adler and his lovely wife, Sandy. Dan and Sandy have been faithfully serving the Lord together here in the 'Cities for just over 11 years, as they have been leading a unique, cross-cultural, cross-denominational, multi-ethnic, multi-denominational worship ministry known as "Heart of The City." The vision behind "Heart of the City," is to bring the body ("family") of Christ together through corporate worship "celebrations," and to ultimately fulfill Jesus' own prayer that we be one, just as He and the Father are one.

At least once a month, "Heart of the City" holds corporate body worship celebrations in different churches of different denominations, colors, creeds and ethnicities and venues throughout our city, where we together for once, drop our church affiliations and denominational monickers, and we forget all about our theological differences, and we worship and lift up the name of Jesus, and where we pray with and for one another.

When I have been in Heart of The City worship celebration prayer circles, I have held hands with and have prayed with fellow Brothers and Sisters in Christ who are Blacks, Whites, Asians, Hispanics, Hmong, Latinos, Native Americans, etc, etc, etc! It has been a most beautiful thing when it has happened! The same can be true in your situation, Alicia!

In terms of your wedding, have you ever considered having both traditions and worship styles represented in your ceremony? Think of it! A non-denominational minister of the Gospel (Pastor) sharing the platform/pulpit with a Catholic Priest! Side by side! I have seen it done on many an occasion, so I know from personal experience that it works, and that it can indeed be done!

Have your Priest perform the Eucharist (or Communion,) and have both of them share in the Exchange of Vows portion of the ceremony. If you are both willing to implement these practical suggestions, and you both desire to have both sides of your family present to share in your special day, I think that it will be a "win-win" situation for everyone concerned, and, at the same time, it will maintain family unity (which is becoming more and more important and significant as the family unit is coming under increasing amounts of fire and scrutiny in our 21st Century culture.)

In terms of holiday celebrations, maybe attend the Thanksgiving service at the non-denominational church (if they so offer one,) and for Christmas, maybe attend the "Family Christmas Eve service" at the non-denominational church with your children, and if you have relatives in the area who can watch your children later in the evening, you and your husband could attend Midnight Mass together, and then you could both pick up your children after breakfast the following morning.

Not only will compormises like this show love and deference to one another as you attempt to build a life together, but it will also tangibly demonstrate the unity of husband and wife to your future children.

I pray that this has been of help and an encouragement to you.


Be Blessed!

[km]

In the spirit of fully "leaving and cleaving" perhaps you should consider finding a third church - to be fully "ours" rather than yours or his. Start with a clean slate in a place where both of you are completely equal footing and neither of you "wins" the whose church decision.