Growthtrac Community

[hisbeloved]

Hello, I've posted here before and it's been a great help...I am newly married, and having a hard time deciding whether or not to go back to school. The reason: the church I come from is a church huge on stay-at-home-moms, and not on working wives (even though there are some in the church). HOw much say does my husband have in this? If he wants children now, should I have them now? It's really important to me to continue to grow in skill, and I love learning, but am I not being a good wife or being too 'single' if I want to go back to school before we have children, or even instead of having children right now?

I am having trouble discerning God's voice due to a angry father and controlling pastor. I have a hard time not getting angry when a man gives me advice - I automatically withdraw and believe he is trying to control me. It's been very hard for me to make decisions either I fear and don't make a decision or make one too quickly which makes my hsuband feel as though Im leaving him out, OR I make a decision, go back on it, and make the decision again.

Any advice or shared experience from older women or married couples who believe their walk with the Lord is one of freedom, I would love to hear from you!

[SAM]

I was married young - age 19. And, I was nowhere near ready to have children after only 10 months of marriage.

I believe it is OK to go to your husband and let him know your heart's desires. If going back to school is one of them while waiting to have children, it's not a bad thing to ask your husband to support you in.

How much say does my husband have in this?

Where it could be a problem is, you saying you're going to do this without thoroughly talking through what this will look like for your marriage and at home time. Does it mean going during the day, or going at night? It does need to be a mutual decision between the two of you. Not a decision he alone makes.

If he wants children now, should I have them now?

If after only 10 months of marriage, you're not ready for children, that is perfectly understandable. It's important to be "married" and working on making your relationship stronger before children come.

Again, this is a decision to be carefully prayed about and worked through together. If you want to wait awhile longer, it that a huge issue between you?

In your heart is there an issue with submission? It's a dirty word amongst Christian women. What scripture tell us is, we must submit to one another out of reverance for Christ. (Ephesians 5:21) There's always a lot of discussion about this in Christendom and it carries a full spectrum of heated argument. Becoming more Christlike is our ultimate challenge and serving each other instead of ourselves. I've come to understand this truly means listening to my husband's heart and to The Holy Spirit for my guidance (not always my pastor).

Do you mean does he have the final word?

Not necessarily, I believe He needs to seek God's wisdom in this decision.
Again, scripture tells him to love you more than he loves his own body. (Ephesians 4:28) That doesn't mean demanding his own way.

But you also need to consider, will your decision be honoring and respectful to him? If that means waiting to go to school, and that is what he is truly asking of you - then that is something to earnestly pray about. There have been times when my husband has felt very strongly about something - we've both needed time to process this, to where I have decided it's not worth the disrepect to my husband so that I can win. That's not my ultimate goal in my marriage. And, sometimes over a period of time, he has come back to me to say "go ahead, I'm at peace about this." For me, it's been an issue of learning to trust God and that he does work through my husband's decisions and will bring honor to me and to our marriage when I sit back and trust in them.

Has this happened overnight that I've gotten to this place? No. It's been a long hard process of many arguments and doing things my own way, only to learn that I was not doing a very good job of respecting my husband or trusting God to work through him.

If I am at peace about a decision, I know God is involved. If I am still undecided and in turmoil, I need to spend more time in prayer and wait for God's guidance.

[rdsmith3]

I am not a woman, nor do I have a great example of a Christian marriage, but I do want to offer my $0.02.

Sam is right, that submission is a word that has developed a lot of negative connotations in our culture. I guess that the best analogy I can think of is if you and your husband are going on a trip. You agree on the destination, when you will leave, when you would like to arrive, and the general route you will take to get there. Only one person can drive the car, though. If your husband is driving the car, at some point, he may have to make a decision to take a different road or get off at a different exit if there is a detour. He may decide to go with your preference. The point is that there are situations when there needs to be a tiebreaker -- someone has to make a decision.

[SAM]

RD -
That's a great analogy - because someone needs to take the lead, not necessarily make all the decisions. And that's the role/job that God calls the husband to do. It doesn't say "be the boss" - it says be the "head" of the home in scripture.

As my husband says, "He is called by God to be the spiritual, loving, giving, holy, sacrifical head of our home. It doesn't mean he's the dictator."

[Joblom1]

Hello- I also hear that verse so often taken out of context. The main thing is to always talk thru things, being open with each other. Be in prayer on whatever you are dealing with. Two leaders in a household does not work. But in that same Eph. 5:28 husbands are commanded to love their wives as Christ loved the church. Thanks Jo-jo

[hisbeloved]

thank you for the replies. I do beleive in submission...that regardless of my previous upbringing, I am responsible for learning how to submit to my husband. It is confusing when so many women are doing so many different things, and even sharing some of their 'I wish I wouldas'. My concern is choosing to have children now (I'm 29) because he says he's ready, and that I'll be making that decision not out of love for family but to keep the peace and fear of his disaproval.

I do believe as a woman its important to continue to gain skill and knowledge, but does the husband have the final say so over your career choices, major choices, and the like? Does submitting mean going along with, or disagreeing, praying about it, and still moving forward in faith?

[greenwidow]

I hope that the two of you talked about this at sometime before marriage and you can draw on that conversation to assist you now.

1. Your husband can't make you have children, now or at any time in the future, but what did you tell him about wanting children before you were married?

2. When would be a good time for you, in your opinion? How old do you want to be when your child graduates high school or college? Make sure you are young enough to keep up with them as third graders.

3. How long will it take for you to get the education you want? Is it possible to do that schooling while your children are young? Do you have to attend a physical classroom to make all of this happen? There are so many online courses today, from legitimate universities, offering real degrees.

Twenty-nine is not too young to think about having children. There is no good time to start a family, if you don't have a desire to do that with your mate.

Your intimate relationship belongs to you, God and your spouse. No one else has the right to tell you when it is time for you to have children. Your pastor or the stay-at-home moms in the church have no right to expect you to be the same as they are. Who did you and your spouse say you were, as a couple, when you promised each other to God?

You will have disagreements along the way, but you have to develop strategies for answering those questions. Quit looking at the instructions for submission and look at the chapter on loving each other...1 Corinthians 13. The question of submission is secondary to loving each other in the way you are commanded. His best interest is your highest regard. Your best interest is his highest priority as well.

[rdsmith3]

I hope that the two of you talked about this at sometime before marriage and you can draw on that conversation to assist you now.

That reminds me of something I posted here over a year ago about my wife and I agreeing not to have kids. I am so glad we both changed our mind.

http://www.growthtrac.com/boards/i-want-kids-spouse-does-not-t1159.html#6839