Growthtrac Community

[tamm32]

We've all had hard times and ups and downs in our marriage....

What's your marriage testimony? I read alot of the postings of people who are going through in their marriage....perhaps if you post your testimony of how you and your spouse took advantage of God's faithfulness in the area of your marriage it can encourage someone to hold on and hang in there and trust God for their union.

[babycakes]

Every marriage goes through hard times. Every couple at some point in time will doubt their love.

For many years my husband and I swept things under the rug to the point that what was under the rug became the size of a dinosaur.
What was under that rug was staring us in the face.

That's where we had to decide - deal with it, or run from it.

A majority of my friends, family and co-workers throughout the years have chosen to run from it. Unfortunately, so have many of my Christian brothers and sisters in their marriages.

My husband and I seldom spent time together in prayer. There is huge truth in the statement, "Couples who pray together, stay together."
We claimed to be fully devoted followers of Christ, but neither of us truly were. We were Sunday Christians and the rest of the week we lived worldly lives. God wasn't even permitted to work part-time in our home.

My marriage has changed. I have changed. God has changed us because we asked him to.

We asked God to help us get rid of the dinosaur. We had to chisel the dinosaur down step by step and deal with stuff we had previously refused to talk about. We had to deal with the conflict, we had to deal with the lack of communication, we had to deal with family issues and we had to look God straight in the face and tell him we were sorry for doubting His design for marriage. We had to tell him we were sorry for only letting him in our lives occassionally. We had to get serious about praying together and working on our personal relationships with God. It was not easy work - it was painful.

It was painful to have a counselor peel back my flaws and contributions to the breakdown of my marriage. I wanted to blame all of it on my husband. I wanted the counselor to "fix" him. Thing is... I was responsible for 95% of the problems in our marriage - not my husband.

Our marriage is now better than it every was. It's better than when we first were married. It's stronger with God. I'm stronger in my faith and my relationship with God, and so is my husband. God is now at the center of our marriage - he didn't used to be. And, that was the reason our marriage potential was sorely lacking. We couldn't have the intimacy we longed for and desired in each other, if we didn't each have personal intimacy with God.

[rdsmith3]

I have faith that, by God's grace, some day in the future I will be giving a testimony. Right now, I can only say our marriage is a work in progress.

I know that I have made a lot of changes in the last two years (my wife confirms this -- I don't want to boast or be full of pride) by God's grace. I continue to work on making positive changes, and I can only pray that we will reap the fruit in our marriage.

[SAM]

Amen, RD - I appreciated your openness and honesty and will continue to lift your marriage up in prayer.

I was ready to give up about 12 years into my marriage. I was tired of being the one who believed in God and had a personal relationship with Christ, when my husband did not. I was angry at God for putting me in the position of carrying the spiritual load in our family. Yet, how ironic that I was the spiritual leader, and still wanted to divorce my husband?
The two did not compute in God's eyes - and he kept throwing people in my path, music and scripture that would not let my spirit rest. He would not let my thoughts keep traveling toward divorce.

My husband did give his life to Christ two years later. We sought much help for our marriage through Christian counseling, and by God's awesome grace He has brought us to a place where we have now been married 31 years. I love my husband with more passion now than the day we married. He is an amazing man who truly seeks God's guidance for our lives and has several men who support him with accountability.

Amen, Babycakes, when you have taken responsibility for the part you played in the breakdown of your marriage.

I came to realize how much of a critical spirit I had. I grew up with a father and step-father who did their fair share of instilling that in me. There was nothing my husband could do to please me, nothing he could do right and I certainly did a wonderful job of telling him that. I had no respect for him and his God given gifts and abilities. I'm grateful for a wonderful counselor who helped me see my brokeness and contributions to the breakdown in our marriage.

[rdsmith3]

babycakes

Thanks for what you wrote, and it is really encouraging to hear about your progress.

Also, it is great that you took accountability.

I want to clarify my earlier post, because I don't want it to sound like nothing in my marriage is my fault. In fact, I don't think I ever told my whole story here. I will try to give this in bullet points to make it (slightly) briefer. I hope it comes through clearly that I know I am a sinner and also responsible for the issues in our marriage. I am not blaming my wife for everything that has happened.

As always, your prayers are greatly appreciated that God will heal and bless our marriage.

• Married first time for about 17 years
o Had two boys, currently 18 and 14.
o Wife suffered from mental health issues that became progressively worse, including bipolar disorder, eating disorders, possible psychosis and delusions, and, worst of all, alcoholism.
o Wife was verbally abusive to kids; drove drunk with them; passed out with gas stove on; and eventually hit older child.
o Wife went to jail.
o Wife went through rehab without success.
o Separated in 2000 and subsequently divorced. Wife is legally prohibited from any contact with children unless she is clean and sober. She has not managed to do this and, therefore, has not had contact with her own children (or me) for over seven years.
o At this point, I returned to my Catholic roots, but I do not consider that I was truly a Christian. During my marriage, I did not give a whole lot of thought to God’s will and what God wanted me to do in my life, which I greatly regret. I was also wrong for not protecting my kids better from their mother.

• Married second time in 2003
o I started attending my wife’s evangelical church. We went as one family.
o My wife has two children from a previous marriage. We had “our” child about 1.5 years ago. What a great blessing he is!
o My oldest son’s behavior was extremely bad from the beginning of the marriage and caused a lot of issues for several years. His behavior included:
 Numerous drawings and journal writings in which he threatened to kill his father (me) and step-mother (mw wife). The drawings were disturbing in other ways, too.
 Continual lying, rationalizing, and manipulating.
 Lying to other people in our church, including pastor, about us and about family situation, which damaged our relationship with our church brothers and sisters, and ultimately led to us leaving the church. (He was baptized in this church and professes to be a believer.)
 Physically harming a younger step-sibling.
 Other alarming behaviors, including setting fires in the woods behind our house.
 Showing now remorse or accountability for these behaviors.
 Showing no willingness to apologize or repent for behaviors.
o We tried repeatedly to get help for this oldest child, including secular and Christian counseling. We went to the pastor and the elders. We had them at our house for prayer. We talked to others in our church family.
o I committed quite a few sins, especially in the first few years of this “blended” family. I was not always aligned with my wife, and I sat on the fence on some issues. I avoided conflict. I tried to please both son and wife. I shifted blame and I frequently pointed out my wife’s mistakes.
o My behavior caused a lot of issues in our marriage. My wife perceived that I did not adequately protect her, just as her mother did not protect her from her father when she was a child. Her father was an alcoholic who was often angry. Also, something inappropriate happened (when my wife was a child). The whole experience with my son triggered a lot of issues for her from her childhood.
o My wife and I went to one Christian counselor who actually made things worse for us by giving us some very bad advice.
o I finally realized what I was doing wrong, and my role in the situation, about two years ago when we went to see a Christian counselor who steered me the right way. My faith in the Lord has continued to grow.
o I have been in individual Christian counseling for about a year, with someone who is very good, and I have made a lot of changes. We have also gone together, and my wife has gone individually. It has made a big difference.
o Son was hospitalized (mental health ward) in October 2006 because of threats found in a journal. He had written prayers that God would give him revenge against his parents and against an employer. We subsequently placed him into a residential facility out of state for about a year. We had given a lot of thought and prayer to this, and we really believe that this was God’s direction. While there was no change in him during this year, it did allow some healing to occur and the family moved forward.
o We started attending a new church that we like very much.
o He left the facility when he turned 18. He returned to our area and is living with a family that attended our former church.
o Even though son is not part of our family, does not live with us, and does not contact the other family members (except me) his return has triggered a lot of unpleasant things for my wife.

• Where are we at now?
o My wife and I both have a desire to do God’s will.
o My wife is struggling with trusting God and trusting me. She believes God let her down when she was a child, and He has done it again. She generally mistrusts men in general. She is bitter, resentful, and unforgiving of me (and God?) although I have apologized for my role in things, repented, and asked for forgiveness. In many of our conversations, she often repeats what I have done wrong and what my son has done over the last 4.5 years. She cannot let go of any hurt or any perceived injustice.
o She seems to not love me or like me. Her heart is closed to me. We are rarely intimate. She will not even kiss me (I mean a real kiss). We are both weary from all the stress of dealing with the marriage and the situation with my son.
o She believes that even my talking on the phone to my son (when I am at work, not at home) means I have a relationship with the “perpetrator” and she is the “victim”. She is hurt by this. She is very fearful of my son, and believes he could stalk the family and possibly kill or injure a family member. (We have installed a security system and changed the locks.)
o She believes she is the only one who protects the kids. I try to tell her that the best thing we can do for the kids’ welfare is to have the firm foundation of a good marriage and a good Christian home. I believe we should be focusing on our marriage and looking ahead, not dwelling on what lies behind. I believe we should focus on what we can control (primarily our marital relationship) and trust God with what we cannot control.
o I love my wife very much, and I thank God for her. She has a great deal of integrity. She is beautiful, intelligent and funny.
o I want to have the marriage that God wants us to have. I have put a lot of work into the marriage and into making myself a better husband.

[tamm32]

And even in that rdsmith3 there is hope! Continue to keep your faith in the Lord and stand to see his salvation in your marriage/family.

You do have a testimony because you and your wife are still standing! The enemy uses all kinds of tricks, scheme and plots to destroy the plan of God but what's encouraging about your and your wife's union is that even tho its been painful and still continues to be that way at times you all are honoring your committment to God to do everything to make your marriage work.

Step by step....grace by grace...morning by morning!

Thanks for sharing your story!

[blended]

WOW! What a testimony. Thanks for sharing. I will hold your family up in daily prayer. Sure wish my husband would quit being a fence sitter.

[SAM]

RD has a great story to tell -

He knows he has had to work on himself, and trust God to work on his wife.
While not easy, he cannot change her no matter how hard he tries.
And, that is great evidence of God working in him!