Growthtrac Community

[shakana]

We have been married for 12 years. We have not been able to have a consistent sex life since our marriage has begun. Our current "drought has lasted six weeks and counting.

After talking for several hours, we discovered that we both suffer from feeling rejected from previous sexual advances towards each other. We are not willing to move outside our emotional comfort zone because the pain of being rejected again is too great for either of us.

Additionally, we are having difficutly making quality time for each other. I am an entrepreneur with about 100 employees. Eventhough I have set-aside the weekends for the family, my schedule is fluid and unpredictable.

My wife is a stay-at-home mom with one child (4) whom she home schools. Her approach to our marriage is that she will squeeze sex in as she can. (Currently 1am is the time on the table ) She says that she would perfer to do all her other activities before she connects with me. This is partly because she does not want to set aside "prime time" and then I am unable to make it because of work. I suggested that she be more flexible with her schedule since she is at home but she is unwilling to "wait around" just in case I am available.

How can my wife and I both experience healing from the pain of previous rejection for each other so that we may move forward?

I look forward to your insight."

[SAM]

I have a great book to recommend - The Five Sex Needs of Men and Women by Dr. Gary and Barbara Rosberg.

In addition for you - Every Man's Marriage by Stephen Arterburn and for your wife - Every Woman's Marriage by Shannon Ethridge.

You are not alone - every couple at some point in time in their marriage reaches a stalemate on their sexual intimacy. The thing is, what used to be spontaneous and unplanned, now needs to be planned.

1st - make time for a getaway weekend together. And, plan one at least two to three times a year. Second, make a date night once a week, or no less than two times a month to go out together and have fun. Third, schedule nights of the week for intimacy - maybe it's Saturday and Wednesday. But, without any interruption those are your nights for intimacy. Put a blanket on your bedroom floor, order pizza and have a romantic picnic - laugh, cuddle and talk.

If your child does not have a regular bedtime, it's time to implement one of 8 o'clock each night. At the age of 4, there is no reason for him to stay up. That means bathtime is 7 o'clock - and reading time after that, then lights out.

This way, you have time in the evening to spend together.

It takes some effort, but your marriage and your sexlife need to start taking priority over work and over your child.

[softy7]

First, Read "Not in the mood for anything"

I too was suffering from feelings of rejection from my spouse. However, during and after my post, I constantly prayed for confidence and contentment in my situation. I talked to my husband about my feeling once and I never mention it again. I stopped complaining about not being sexually intimate. Then, he started responding. I stopped asking and trying to initiate sex. I simply was ready when he was and I removed my selfish attitude about not getting it when I wanted.

Now, it happens as often as 3-4 a week. Thank you Jesus because I was about to lose it!!

[km]

softly - I tried that too. We went from every other month or so to once or twice a year. I am very discouraged (battling other temptations is exponentially more difficult now).

[SAM]

Have you tried talking about this instead of letting it be the elephant in the room.

Example:

I miss being with you
I miss your touch
I miss your kisses
It's important to me that we work on our intimacy together.
What do you think we can do?
Can we visit the doctor together?
This is too important to me to let things stay the way they are.
I pray it is important to you too.

[chinadolltx79]

I am in the same boat-our sex life has never been very consistant and this has been a fight for 8years now. We recently married and its still an issue but now even more so. Our pastor teaches alot about sex and marriage and that only confirms to me that something is wrong. He's a man isn't he supposed to want it?? I feel fat and ugly and I am depressed. Don't know what to do?? I am considering even sinful things because I just don't know what to do?

[SAM]

It is time to sit down, face-to-face and let him know the desire you have for him. Let him know you would like to be intimate once a week. Plan for it - make it every Wednesday night. Whatever it takes. If it is medications, make a visit to the doctor together. Again, whatever it takes. This is too important to let it slide.

And, if you are feeling tempted because of the lack of intimacy, all the more reason to push the envelope and have a full out honest discussion.

You would be surprised that men suffer from low desire, just as much as women do. Women talk about it, men don't.

[Terri]

I may not have much experience in this, however, when my husband is in the mood and i'm not or vice versa. Do something out of the ordinary to say hey, I'm in the mood. Try sending the kids out for a movie, playmates, something anything. Or even when they are younger put them down to bed. Start a warm bath or just put on something that will strike his fancy. My husband will put me in the tub. I'll put on some music and start to dance.

A rub down, is a great way to get anyone in the mood. Linger over sensitive areas. Or what my husband likes to do when he's in a playful mood is to start a tickle fight. Then wham there is that special of kiss of his that sends my sparks flying. Don't be afraid to give him/her a rub down especially after a rough day. Don't expect sex! If it happens it happens if not, you're not disappointed.

Hope this helps!

[SAM]

I was watching a good DVD with my small group last week by Jimmy Evans called Marriage on the Rock. He said if we wait to be in the mood at the same time, we'll have sex once every three years.

So the reality of our sexual relationship in marriage is, an attitude of servanthood - not entitlement or a power struggle. Put the towel over your arm and be a servant by washing the feet of your spouse. Marriage is intended to be a spiritual footwashing.

[km]

If you do try the playfulness/spice things up/try something different route (which is a good idea for something to try). Be careful with how the playfulness unfolds - it has to be tailored to your spouse's likes/dislikes.

My wife and I have fought for all of our relationship about tickling. While she hates to be tickled, she really likes to tickle. I was bullied by my older siblings with tickling - I find it humiliating, emasculating and totally frustrating. When she tries to start things by tickling, she is about as successful as I might be in starting things if I were to try something stupid and insensitive (for example, saying something sarcastic about her having gained weight).

[Terri]

No, I wasn't saying that the tickling is for everyone. Or even wrestling. Just something that brings about some sort of physical contact. My favorite is still the back rub.