Growthtrac Community

[newguy]

Oh yeah, remember Romans 5 "suffering brings perseverence which builds character which lead to hope.

[SAM]

Have you every said, "I find you desirable and sexy and gorgeous and beautiful - and part of that is wanting to be with you. That means a lot to me. I'm not ready to give up on our physical intimacy, even if that means seeing a doctor, a counselor and our pastor to make this better between us."

[seeker]

SAM i've tried it all. Roses and an upscale dinner on Valentine's Day. Nice words spoken every opportunity. She went on a trip this past weekend and I kept the children. When she came back I got her bags out of the car, told her I missed her. She will not go to counseling because she says she knows what they are going to say and its not that she doesn't know it, but she says she just doesn't want to do it.
Our children have taken a backseat to her career and her "wants".

I know I'm not above suffering like my Lord and Savior did. I'll stay and take care of my children as long as I have to. I'll continue to live there and do what I'm supposed to do, BUT it is extremely difficult to live with someone that has no desire for things to change, won't read anything, won't go to counseling. She doesn't even want to talk about it. We can go over a month without talking about our marriage and if i say one thing she says that all I want to do is talk about our marriage. It is frustrating with a capital F.

[SAM]

Please consider picking up a couple books by Stormie O'Martian called The Power of A Praying Husband and Every Man's Marriage by Stephen Arterburn.

What do you think God wants you to do with the situation?
Does he want you to love her in spite of her behavior? We love our kids in spite of their behavior. Not that is doesn't make us angry and infuriate us - but we still choose to love them.

Sometimes over the course of several years when there has been no romance and no spiritual connection, the heart grows cold or shrivels up and dies. I don't know your full history together - you may have been the most wonderful loving and romantic man in the world - or you just realized a little while ago that you were severly lacking in this area.
She could be feeling all of this is too little to late.

Continue to love her the way Jesus loves her. You have to tap into his love moment by moment and minute by minute to fill you up - as your human love will simply not endure. His love will.

When our earthly spouse is not meeting our needs - that's where Jesus takes over - you have to ask him to do so.

Keep praying for her - keep loving her - only God can change her. It's hard to sit back and hand her over into his hands... then wait.
And... in the process He may change your perspective and understanding of His selfless, giving, unending and unconditional love.

[seeker]

YOu're right. He has already changed me in so many ways.
I came from the "Beaver Cleaver" family every day was normal, holidays and b-days were special but not out of wack. She came from broken horrible marriage. Parents still don't speak. Gifts and special occasions were everything.
She interpreted my actions as trying to get at her, and I didn't understand her. There has been no infidelity. She just didn't feel cherished. Almost 3 years ago she just emotionally packed it in on me and our two daughters. The last 3 years God has really shown me what a relationship with Him is. I knew about Him before, now I know Him. I am completely humbled by the fact that I can do NOTHING to affect this situation.
I can only show her love, not be a stumbling block, and pray. And I'm learning that Jesus had to suffer, so why shouldn't I. BUT IT IS So DIFFICULT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[seeker]

She is a Christian. Says that she feels embarrased before God about the way she feels, but she won't do anything about it. She even has admitted that she has stopped praying for our marriage.

[seeker]

My wife informed me yesterday that she plans to leave/file for divorce after this school year is over. She says she has no feelings for me and that she doesn't want to fight the misery anymore. She says I'm a good husband and father, but she just doesn't feel anything for me. She will not pray about it and does not want to talk about her spiritual relationship. I asked her if she was willing to tell our two young daughters that she was ending our marriage, she said she was. I don't really understand how someone could do that yet not have the courage to turn to a loving God for help other than Satan has blinded her. I know this is spiritual warfare.
We need a miracle. I know God shows up right on time with just enough. My prayer is that my children will be protected from the horrible event that is possibly in their future, and that my wife will know God in a personal relationship. Please pray that my wife will turn to God.

[charity1]

I have a couple of suggestions for you, Seeker. I am a woman, but speaking as a woman who has just been through some major trials in my marriage, I would suggest you tell your wife you would like to make a last ditch effort to save your marriage and buy a book called, "His Needs, Her Needs" by Willard Harley and then both of you read it. Ask your wife to read the "His Needs" portion of the book and let her know that you are going to read the "Her Needs" portion, and that if after reading this book and working on the suggestions for 3 months, if she still feels the same way, you will let her go, no questions asked, and then let her, but pray like crazy before, during and after the reading. I'm like SAM, I don't know what kind of husband you were or what kind of wife she was prior to the shutting down, but speaking from experience, I thought I was a great wife and my husband thought he was a great husband, but once we read this book and talked, we realized we were trying to satisfy each other's needs by meeting our own emotional needs, but we needed different things. For instance, I needed tons of affection - hugs, kisses, hand holding, just physical touch, but not just in the bedroom or just when leading up to physical intimacy. I felt like a piece of meat instead of feeling cherished. To him physical intimacy was showing me affection. I didn't realize that sexual fulfillment was what made him feel like a man and pretty much determined his self worth, so when I went along as a duty but didn't let him know how much I admired and wanted him, he felt rejected, even though I rarely turned him down physically. Anyway, communication and meeting each other's emotional needs made all the difference in our marriage. Now we are closer than we've ever been and have been like newlyweds for close to a year now. I don't believe that has to stop if we don't take each other for granted and don't stop meeting each other's emotional needs.

If worst comes to worst and she refuses to try that, go ahead and read the book yourself, and then write her a letter outlining everything you realized you have done wrong through the years (you will realize what she was dissatisfied with as you read the book). Make it a love letter. Tell her all the things you love and admire about her. It's worth a try!! Good luck.

[seeker]

Sometimes people will not read or go for counseling and do not want to be helped by the Lord or anyone else. The only thing left is prayer and her answering to the Holy Spirit conviction in her life. We went through a time when we talked about it. I have totally left her alone since she said I tried to control her. I have given it to God, I have peace, she has misery.
In response to your question, there has been no abuse or infidelity. She said I didn't make her feel cherished and that i was too strict on our children. I have asked for forgiveness more than once and God has forgiven me. She won't.
I continue to go through my life daily and take care of our children. People that read this site need to know that everything can't be solved by a book or counseling. Some people won't do either. I do trust that everything works together for good for those who love the Lord. That is my Hope. Please pray that my wife's relationship with the Lord will be healed.

[Searcher]

Married 25 years,seperated last Sept.,wife filed for divorce in Nov.,she put divorce on hold and asked me to move back home in March.

We have been back together since March,sleep in the same bed every night,we get along great as friends and parents. \

She says that she loves me but no longer has those in love feelings for me,no attraction to me.

I am very much attracted to her,there has never been any cheating or abuse.

We got married young,I am the only man she has ever been with and through the years I was always jealous and insecure and I know now that she felt controlled and smothered but she kept things in until last year she said she needed time and space and that's when we seperated.

I have done allot of work on myself through allot of reading and praying I am a different man and know I can be a better husband than I have ever been,but I need her to give me that chance.

She has seen a difference in me and I see little signs of her taking down some of the walls that she had put up.I am being taught about patience and about Gods will and timing and not mine.

Like I said before we are getting along well,but really miss my wife and lover and just keep waiting for her to reach out to me and let our marriage be healed and whole.

[crystalvase]

My husband has not found me sexually attractive (although other people say I am attractive) for the 20 years we've been married. The last time we had relations was 6 years ago. We are friends. But the feelings of rejection are intense at times. I believe God has a promise for our marriage and that He will heal. I had to issue an ultimatum a year ago to get my DH into counseling. Thankfully I had leverage; not everyone does. DH has been working hard and he didn't have to do that. But times are still rough. The main thing to know is that there are things you can do to change your marriage alone, and it is possible to be happy regardless of our mate's behavior. Loving a person just the way they are is a hard thing and it takes time. But it is impossible to "make" a person feel loved. Definitely don't have all the answers!!! Oh, Papa God, come and heal the hurting families in this world. Let us not just settle for a "prison of promises" but press on to a happy marriage, in Jesus name! Amen.

Keep the faith! As long as there's breath there is hope.

[km]

It seems that a disturbingly high percentage of believing couples are suffering from the 'cold bed' problem.

I read that Christian couples who report a lot of the indicators of strong religious belief also show the highest averages as to sexual satisfaction - but I have to read those, in light of what I hear anecdotally from others, as being a sort of two spiked kind of graph - a lot of incredibly satisfied believers and a lot of utterly unsatisfied believers with not so many occupying the gap between them. The average may be higher than other groups of Americans but there is a very big spread between the two ends of the spectrum.

Lots of others have the same trouble.

[crystalvase]

Maybe non-believers just get a divorce? Not that living with the "cold bed" syndrome is any more pleasing to God. Just a thought.

[km]

I just found it odd that is seems to be - if the study reports as to satisfaction levels are reasonably accurate - either feast or famine for the Christian couples out there. It is either the best thing possible or just not happening at all (which would have to be a real drag against the good ones when figuring the average level)

[love my man]

Seeker, I just came across your thread that was started back in Jan 08. I feel drawn to ask you how you are doing? I noticed in one of your replies that your wife was filing for divorce back in March I think it was? Are you doing well? Are you still together? I also noticed that a lot of people were sugesting books and if you actually bought all of them you'd have quite a library going. Maybe this is too little too late. If so perhaps use it on the next try if you decide..... maybe you were not speaking her love language. Really! Perhaps she is/was quality time or words of affirmation. OR maybe shes a gifts kinda gal or acts of service or physical touch..... I'm sure this sounds a bit kooky....and I am suggesting yet Another book; take this as you like I wont be insulted if you tell me to bug off.... The book is THE FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES, by GAry Chapman.... I read this and actually found out my sons love language along with my husbands, and my moms and sisters, and mom-n-law.... on and on.
Its worth a try..... even if just for your kids and your self.

best of Gods blessings to you... he has great plans for you.