Growthtrac Community

[Fabulous_Frog]

Me and my ex husband were married 10 years and have 2 young kids together. It ended in divorce because we grew apart over the years. We had a pretty rocky marriage. We were apart for about 16 months. He got seriously involved with someone very quickly and it lasted a year and 1/2. I didn't get involved with anyone. I didn't even date. I took the time to get counseling, to find myself again and to work on changes that needed to take place within myself. I did a lot of soul searching. Me and my ex husband have reunited and we've been back together for almost 8 months. He has moved back home with me and our kids. He says that he feels like were still married. He still calls me his wife and calls himself my husband. I don't quite feel the same. We are divorced and it feels like that to me. It is almost confusing as to what he is exactly...boyfriend, ex or what??? Our relationship is thriving and it's the best it's ever been. The problem is, I want to be married again. I don't want to "just" live together. I do agree that rushing back into marriage after only being back together for 8 months is not a wise thing. He says that we should stay "legally" divorced for a while because we benefit more financially, but he does want us all living together. I don't want to set the example for my kids that mommy and daddy are living together but their not married. My ex says that in their hearts and little minds, we are married. I believe this could be considered fornication and he says, "no way". I know that I refuse to live with someone if were not married or are not getting married. I really don't know what I'm asking. I guess I could just use some wise counsel/advice.

[babycakes]

I know that I refuse to live with someone if were not married or are not getting married.

If you refuse, then why are you living together?

He still calls me his wife and calls himself my husband. I don't quite feel the same.

You are not husband and wife - you are divorced.

Dear sister in Christ - you know what the right thing to do is. You know.
The Holy Spirit is not letting you rest over this issue.

You're not married. And you're right, you should not be living together.
It brushes all the issues aside and it does not really allow you to work on your relationship. Please start from square one - date... get to know each other again. Do not be sexually intimate and do not live together. You know deep within, this is not what God wants for you.

I don't want to set the example for my kids that mommy and daddy are living together but their not married.

Then why are you giving in to this situation?
What scares you? That he will walk away again?

My ex says that in their hearts and little minds, we are married.

Who's convincing who? I'm sure your children know the difference between right and wrong.

This is about honoring God with all things. You have an opportunity to impact your children in a very positive way. Mom and dad are not married - God asks us to be sexually pure and not live together before marriage.

There are a few more things to consider that I am in agreement with SAM on from an earlier post that I saw -

- Avoid every kind of evil (sin)
- Do not cause others to stumble (your children, a relative, a neighbor)
who may believe sex before marriage is OK and so is living together.
- Do not conform any longer to the ways of this world but be transformed by the renewing of your mind (Romans 12:2)

I took the time to get counseling, to find myself again and to work on changes that needed to take place within myself. I did a lot of soul searching.

- Has your ex-husband done the same amount of work?
- Have you dug into why he engaged in another relationship so quickly after divorce?
- Have you both participated in marital counseling?
- What things are you both going to do to break the cycle of past patterns so you never get to the same place you were in?


Have you considered -

He says that we should stay "legally" divorced for a while because we benefit more financially

- Pure and simple - it's an excuse
- Do you think your ex-husband is leaving his options open? I mean, he has the best of both worlds - he gets to have sex, live with his kids and still be a single man?
- It's time for your ex-husband to move out

Are you both on the same page spiritually? Is your ex-husband a fully devoted follower of Jesus Christ? I only ask, because there are patterns in your post that make me wonder. It seems he's doing a great job of convincing you that all of this is OK - but you're not convincing him that God wants the two of you to live differently.

If your ex-husband has not given his heart to Christ, does not have community with other Christian men for accountability and growth and/or
becomes angry with you when you share your feelings about all of this, then you should not consider marriage again.

[webacus]

I believe your husband has a commitment problem -- among
other issues. Living with you as a divorced man allows
him an "out".

Can you get him into Christian counseling with you?
Through that process he might come around.

[SAM]

I have prayed for you and your situation this morning.

The only option is: it is time for him to move out and to stop being intimate with him.

The Holy Spirit has been taping you on the shoulder saying, "dear loved one - you know this is not the path of obedience -you know this deep in your heart."

[paul120]

I can only pray for your goodwill..

[Elligirl]

I love my husband very much and yes I still consider him my husband. We have been divorced for over a year now. I have been praying for my husband and my marriage and know God will answer my prayers. My husband has been and is still living with the ow he left me for. They have not legalized their adultry.
I told my husband I have no intention of being with him as a wife until he knows I am the only woman he wants are will ever want and to me that means not only being married in God's sight but in man's as well.
There has been no other man in my life either.

God bless you