Being transparent

[j3anjean]

Just an update, but last night we had "The Talk." I prayed about it alone and with my husband. I needed to hear the truth of his affair from him. I couldn't put it behind me. I felt like we couldn't even start to heal until I heard it from him. I prayed that I would be strong enough to hear the truth, ask my questions and then put it behind me. I don't want to be haunted by these thoughts, but my imagination is much worse than the reality. I prayed that he would have the courage to answer my questions, tell me what I needed to know and then put it behind him.

I brought my page of questions and admittedly, there were moments that I had to just close my eyes and say, "God this is one that I need to have lifted from me. This truth really hurts." After we talked, my husband seemed really relieved to have it all out there. I felt peaceful and calm. The truth still hurt but I needed to see what was in his heart before, during and after. Today was the first day since I found out he was unfaithful that I have woken up feeling like we had taken a big step towards healing.

So much of what he said made sense. If you read Romans 7 it tells the story of why more than any words I can say. I just FINALLY feel relieved and hopeful.

God is good, all the time.
-Jeannie-

[SAM]

I will continue to lift you and your marriage up in prayer.
Yeah God for this breakthrough.

[secured]

I know that was probably one of the hardest things you and your husband have ever done. You're right when, even though it's so hard to hear, it's almost actually freeing. No more secrets. That is very essential for healing to begin. Like your husband, mine felt relieved too, to have it all out in the open after all those years. It's kind of strange, but as hurtful as it is to hear, it's what we need in order to move things forward.

Were you a little amazed at how peaceful and calm you felt? I remember my D-Day. I'm still amazed at how calm I am and how I function through the day. God's strength is so amazing.

I will continue to lift you both up in prayer. You know, I wondered a little bit about these women who said that their marriages were stronger than ever after having gone through their spouse's unfaithfulness. I think I can understand that a little better now. My husband cherishes me now like God had always intended. It's going to take time but with God's strength I find that with each passing day I am able to ease through it a little better and not feel as vunerable as the day before. One of the greatest things is I'm able to sleep through the night now. That is a really big step forward.

Take care and God bless. -RJ-

[secured]

My husband is taking me away for the weekend. Our anniv. was Thursday. PLEASE pray that we will have a wonderful time. Pray that there are no triggers to hinder our time together. Thank you so much for your thoughtfulness. Have a great weekend yourselves! -RJ-

[SAM]

Through the mist and through the pain - God will bring you to a place someday where your story will help someone else. He has a way of doing that.

I have prayed for your weekend.

[j3anjean]

RJ
How was your weekend?? I prayed for you both!

[j3anjean]

Everyday we are talking more and more and the pain is lessening. I read something in an article by Shirley Glass who wrote "Not Just Friends" and it said that you will need to talk about it again and again. She compares it to someone who has been thru a tornado and they keep saying, I was right here when the storm hit. I didn't even see it coming. Those words are so true! Here's the link: http://www.smartmarriages.com/glass.html
It is an amazing article and my husband and I read it together last night. It just hit the nail on the head in every way.

[secured]

Thank you so much for your prayers. We had a WONDERFUL weekend. I was able to push away triggers whenever they arose. There also didn't seem to be so many. What was so exasperating is that when we got home a BIG trigger hit. On t.v. was a special about the place that he had taken one of his conquest to. This one wasn't just a one nighter. They actually dated and went several places together even in front of the men he was staying in an apt. with. (They were there for a 10 week course) He told her he loved her and when he got back home (was out of state,during which he had 7-8 conquests for 10 weeks), he called her several months later. Then drove by her house several months later (I was pregnant and lost the baby when he called her.) I was then pregnant when he flew out there on business and drove by her place. When he had called her she had gotten married and did not want to talk to him. She had either been getting a divorce or just had been divorced and was seeing the guy she did eventually marry. She just wasn't sure at the time that she wanted to marry this guy so she just had fun with my husband and who ever else. This one seems to bother me the most because he had told her he loved her and made attempts to contact her after he knew that she was just using him. They went about like they were a couple for about 3 weeks. Like I didn't even exist. That was about 27 years ago. He says he has not been with anyone since then. He seems remorseful and is trying to make me feel cherished. I have prayed for these triggers to stop. It seems everwhere I turn they are there. I know satan is doing this. I know God is more powerful than him. I'm doing ok otherwise. I just want to understand how he could continue to try and contact her when he knew there was nothing going to come of it.

Here's the problem. I feel that he just settled for me because she married this other man. He didn't walk away, she did. How gawling is that? He says that is was just a sexual addiction thing. I think it was more because of his trying to keep in contact when there wasn't any chance of them being together. In writing this it has dawned on me THAT is why I can't let this go. He says I am his life and he loves me so much but I still feel that he just settled. I deserve so much better than that. I am a very self-confident woman otherwise I would not still be here. I do however still have feelings and am human. I know it will take time. I just get tried of the - and downs of it all.

Please pray that God will let me somehow get past this feeling of just being settled for. I believe that is when the triggers will stop. My husband is trying so hard to live his life as he should. I'm grateful for that, I am. I also know that this all happened years ago, but I just found all this out. It's like it happened just a few months ago.

I know that I have been a good, caring and supportive wife.(He could not have gotten the promotion he received had we not moved from where we lived, my father at the time was dying from cancer) I have also been a good mother to my children. It's just hard to realize that all our years together have been infused with lies.

How would any of you handle this feeling of thinking you've been just settled for? I know God is there. It's just a woman's need to feel she's one flesh with her husband. I don't feel I have that. -RJ-

[SAM]

There is a very good book by Angela Thomas called Do You Think I'm Beautiful? that I would highly recommend.

How can you get over not feeling settled for?

By lifting it up to the Lord to take this burden from you. As a thought enters your mind - say, "God, please remove this from me. I hand it over to you." If you need to say it moment by moment, minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day. The Lord will help you and he will help you with your triggers.

Sometimes we want to play tug-o-war with God instead of truly laying our burdens in his hands.

You are not settled for - you are cherished.

I'm so glad that you had a wonderful weekend.

[secured]

Sam, you are better than a good cup of coffee in the morning. I'm afraid you are right about the whole tug-of-war scenario. The thing that gets my goat is that I know all of this. I think what it comes down to is that not only do I want reassurances from my husband but I also want him to hurt, cringe, and be remorseful. I know that all those women are no threat to me or my marriage any longer. I just am dealing with the insecurity of what could have happened had she not married someone else and pursued my husband. Would he have thrown away our marriage anymore than he already had? I also know that his parents would not have been happy with him at all. I wonder too if that has caused him to stay in the early days because he sets such great store by what his parents feel. It almost makes me angry that this person has caused me so much pain (besides my husband) and she only entered our lives for as little as three weeks.

Thank you so much for allowing me to vent. I feel it really helps me get things into perspective. I know that it will just take me letting go of these insecurities and laying them down at His feet. Honestly, I feel that if I just let everything go (and it's a bunch of it) that he won't get the idea of how much he has hurt me and take it all for granted. I want him to fight for me everyday and make it up to me. I know that I am worth his fighting for. Today has been very enlightening for me. I could never put into the right words for myself what I was truly feeling. Does that sound self-centered? YEP!!!!! For now that's what I am doing. Taking care of me, myself and I. Luckily I like who I am. Perfect?, Good grief, no way. BUT I am confident that I am in no way like those other women he has had in his past. I at least do not have what they or (he) has done on my conscience especially when I stand before the Lord. Does that sound prideful? Yes. But I take a certain pride in that I have and will maintain a certain moral conduct in and for my life. Not because of my husband just because I don't want to put shame on God because I claim to be one of his. Sorry so wordy today. It's good though. Thanks for reading. It means alot. Especially when you take the time to comment. Praising God for this forum and for ya'll. -RJ-

[SAM]

You're welcome -

I know I can dwell on things too - way too often. Scripture is awfully clear about worry and how not to worry. Easier said than done, but there is something awfully freeing to me when I don't worry and leave it with God.

It's not unusual for you to want him to hurt, just as much as he hurt you.
But, be careful - you are not seeking revenge.

[secured]

Ladies, is it revenge to want to talk things out? Even if it is painful? I don't want to get revenge, I just want answers. I want nothing to be held back from me. I want to know all so that nothing will come up later. Unfortunately I am a very detailed person, gotta know the details. Why are we women wired that way? Some of us anyway. Can we honestly heal if there is still something being held back because they do not want to hurt us or prolong the chance for healing? Isn't that lying? Gee, I wish I could just let sleeping dogs lie. Maybe I keep allowing triggers to bother me so that I can have details that I feel I'm not getting. The problem is he can't remember all the little details I want or need because it happened so long ago. He's having a hard time with believing that God has really forgiven him of all of the muck. He feels, I guess, that he should be doing more, earn it somehow. Almost feels too easy to him. At times I feel sorry for him, but then sometimes I would just like to take a skillet to his head. I was doing so well this past weekend. Then that trigger hit me full force. It just makes me angry that I have to deal with all his muck and junk in the first place. He's freed his shoulders of it and unloaded it all onto mine. Thanks again. RJ

[SAM]

I also want him to hurt, cringe, and be remorseful.

I only said to be careful based on this statement from an earlier post.

No, it is not wrong to want the details. HOWEVER - God did not wire the minds of our husbands up to be like ours. He will not remember the details you want him to remember - he simply can't.

I would suggest you write down every possible question you can over the next week. Then sit down with your husband and tell him you need to ask away and get as many answers as you can to close this chapter and put things to rest. After that - go burn the questions in the fireplace, the backyard, firepit, etc.

Forgiveness is a process - and once you can let go of details and questions, you'll have walked through the door of forgiving him. Until then, true forgiveness has not taken place.

He feels, I guess, that he should be doing more, earn it somehow.

That's why it's called grace - God's unearned favor.

[greenwidow]

Wow! It's been almost two years since I felt these things and they are almost word for word what I told my husband then.

I too felt that my husband had settled for not what he wanted, but what he needed for peace. I wasn't a choice, I was a result. He told me that I needed to give that up, because when he was trying his hardest to walk away, God chose me. God listened to my prayers and the grace that I exhibited was what drew him back in. I snubbed that the first few times he said it, but then it came to me that I asked for the gift of my husband having what he needed and I was the answer. There were still times where that hurt, but it began to fade.

My husband found it strange that over the course of the month or so following our problem I asked him take me each and every place that he had been with someone else. That included restaurants, meeting places, and even her old apartment which was in the part of town that we had owned our first home in. (She no longer lived there.) I knew the general location, but knowing where it was gave me back a part of town that was mine. Each time we talked about the incidents and what it meant to him and I. When we were near the end of the list, I explained that in taking each of those places and putting my face there with him, I was slowly erasing her image and replacing it with mine. He told me that some of that hurt as he had to face parts of it he would have just rather left under the rug. It worked for us. I don't know that it would be effective or wise for everyone, but each step moved us a little further from that total broken bond and toward healing and he was able to see how far he had come with each memory. Today we can talk about any of it openly. Both of us have used this experience to help to others avoid the pitfalls and to get to a place of forgiveness.

My husband has been my best friend on the earth for nearly 26 years. There were times that we really didn't like each other's actions. I would have never wanted him to hurt, but he did hurt. Men show that hurt in different ways.

Recently, an affair was revealed in our small town media. As my husband watched the story he grew quiet. He said, that he really understood where the man had been. He was so engrossed in his own desires and so far from where he should be that he lost all reasonable focus. Behaviors that should have been sending up red flags left and right were brushed off without a moment's notice. He wasn't condoning the behavior, but acknowledging that sin takes away reason.

I pray that you find the peace that you are seeking.

[secured]

Gosh I hate to say this, but I think now that is what I have been doing. Seeking revenge. I do want him to hurt. I do want him to be remorseful. I do want him to cringe. He has asked for my forgiveness, repeatedly. I now know that I have not forgiven him for certain areas in this whole mess. I know I am suppose to, that God wants me to. I struggle with this. I sometimes feel like a small child with a brokenhearted spirit. (even at my age) Please pray that God will soften my mind and heart towards the areas that I find so hard to relinguish to Him. Thanks for the awakening, SAM. That really blind-sided me there. I thought he should have those feelings I mentioned above, never realized it was a form of revenge, just counted them as deserved. Hate to say this too, but can't quite get over the fact that I still am muddling through this. Lord Willing, it will lessen with each passing minute. RJ