PORN Recovery

[jlc]

I am brand new here, but I decided I needed somewhere to vent my feelings and seek additional support. I hope I am posting this topic in the correct location.I have read through all these posts and feel comfortable telling my story.
Only a few others know it. My wife, pastor and a counselor.
I have been addicted to porn, lust and masturbation for quite some time. It started at age 13 and grew stronger through college. When I got married I thought the urges would go, since sex would always be available to me whenever I wanted. Yeah right.
My problem was, I didn't have realistic expectations for any area of marriage. I thought sex would be endless and conflict would be minimal. I had never been in a serious relationship before meeting my wife, and we were really best friends before getting engaged. I did not know how to deal with conflict or how to have true intimacy and romance without sex. So when my wife was not interested I assumed she was just rejecting me, which felt like way too often to me.
I did not have a Christian upbringing and was basically raised by a single mother. I'm not sure she truly new how to raise a boy on her own. She had several relationships that were out of marriage. She was permissive of me having swimsuit pics posted on my bedroom walls, etc. Plus I listened to a lot of sexually explicit rap music in high school, which she would purchase for me as well. You get the picture.
I have been clean from porn for over one year and feel I am doing well in my recovery of lust and masturbation as well. I plan on attending a Celebrate Recovery meeting tonight, as a matter of fact.

My wife still has not forgiven me. She hasn't worn her wedding rings or told me she loves me this entire year. This hurts me deeply, but she does not feel she can trust me. Her hurt is so deep. We've tried Christian counseling, but it didn't last. I am trying to get her to go again with me.
I'm truly not sure if she wants to stay in this marriage. We have two beautiful, small children and I desparately want to keep this marriage and family together. I've been researching every website I can find (at work) and am trying to ready books on relationships, because I feel the porn area of my life is over, but I need improvement in everyday marriage stuff. I have read many, many, many articles regarding my sexual addiction as well as a few books (including the Bible).
My wife feels I will never be able to truly change my sinful ways of the past. She is open to me sexually, but it is out of duty and regret to keep me from sinning and it is unexciting for both of us. I am trying to learn how to better meet her intimate needs as a "real" husband.
I fully admit to have been lacking in that department for our last 9 years of marriage.

I appreciate everyone's feedback on this forum and for the lady who actually got it started. This is my first time replying to one. We do not have internet access in my home any longer & my wife simply does not trust me or filtering software.

We are hurting badly. Please pray for us.[b][/b]

[secured]

Welcome jlc,

Your story mirrors my husband's story to a tee. His addiction to porn started at age 12. He was brought up in a Christian home, with a mom and a dad. He has been dealing with porn plus other issues such as being adulterous with 7-8 women, living a double life when away from home, mast., internet porn and adult porn houses, for more than 40 years. I just found out about all of this 20 months ago. He is right now one year pure, absolutely no mast. or anything else. He says it has been the hardest trial he has ever faced. He says that he must start everyday with God. That is a MUST! He says it feels so good to be pure. He knows that there will always be triggers and has to be on his guard for them. He knows Satan is ready to attack him. He knows that he must fight for our marriage.

I can only truly give you my side of this. Your wife I'm sure feels that you have betrayed her. See, we don't understand this pull you guys have about sex. We feel that it should be special, just for us. Even when ya'll do porn, you are bringing in another person to the marriage. Porn brings in feelings of inadequacy, filthiness, insecurity and loss of trust.
I understand fully where your wife is at. I am still going through this valley myself. All I can tell her is to lean only on God. She has to deal with it. You need to be Very Patient with her. Cherish her to the max. She cannot believe your words. Your words are empty. This is a case of "actions speak louder than words", believe me. I was numb for about a year. True I'm dealing with more issues than just porn, but the pain is still unbearable. My husband keeps doing things like putting scriptures in my coffee cup before he goes to work some mornings. He takes me away for sweet outings. I have not said that I love him either since this began. I cannot even buy him a card (birthday or anniversary) that talks about love or memories. Be there for her. Even if she gets so angry at you, stay calm. She is feeling so vulnerable. We hate feeling like that. Women like and need to feel secure.

I will pray that you continue to be sexually pure. I pray that your wife will find the strength that only God can give to get through this heartache. There are some wonderful sites: www.marriagemissions.com/quotes-on-bitt ... rgiveness/
www.marriagebuilders.com

I hope it is allright that I have spoken to you like this. I wish you could tell your wife to view this site. Sometimes it helps the spouse who has been so deeply hurt to interact with others who are and have been through the same situations. She would find amazing support. It would help her to vent. She would receive wisdom from some wonderful people. She needs to know that she is not alone in her thoughts and feelings about all of this. In Christ, -RJ-

[SAM]

Welcome - we're so glad you have taken the time to post your story. It is a story that can and will help others. Pornography has entered every corner of our culture. Christian or not, it has torn apart the souls of many men and woman and is horribly difficult to overcome.

There are some books I would like to recommend for your and your wife -
Every Heart Restored by Stephen Arterburn
Every Man's Marriage by Stephen Arterburn
Every Woman's Marriage by Shannon Ethridge
Marriage Revolution - Rethinking Your Relationship in Light of God's Design by Debra White Smith

I just read Marriage Revolution this past week. It is pretty awesome in how it addresses God's design for our marriages through scripture.

There is one particular quote that stuck out -

When you get saved, it's not a question of how much of Jesus you have. It's a question of how much of you Jesus has.

It's true. We have a tendency to want to play tug-o-war with God rather than fully surrender all of ourselves to Him. It's really taking baby steps of obedience every minute of the day. When we don't, we play tug-o-war with Him. We give Him little pieces of our heart, but not all of it.

My wife still has not forgiven me. She hasn't worn her wedding rings or told me she loves me this entire year.

You cannot rush the process of forgiveness. She has to work through it in her own time and her own way. I pray that she has wise Christian women to walk beside her.

This hurts me deeply, but she does not feel she can trust me. Her hurt is so deep.

Understandably so. Her trust may take years to rebuild. This betrayal of your heart, your mind and your eyes is no different to her than if you had gone out and had multiple sexual affairs with other women.

We've tried Christian counseling, but it didn't last. I am trying to get her to go again with me.

I need to ask this question -
Why didn't counseling last?

I pray that you can engage in counseling again. Maybe try a new counselor if the other one wasn't quite working out to her liking. If she is still unwilling to go, I would encourage you to go on your own. In time, she may join you.

She's watching you for lasting change - long term - not just for the moment change.

- She is watching to see if your heart is changing.
- She is watching to see if you're falling in love with God.
- Do you hunger for Him?
- Do you need him to breathe?
- Do you go to Him at the beginning of each day?
- Is your relationship with Christ more important to you than anything else in your life?

Intimacy with Him will rebuild your marriage where nothing else will.

She is watching for these changes to take place in you. Then, and only then, she may be able to trust again.

Maybe you can surprise her for a long weekend away (get a sitter for the kids) and attend a Weekend to Remember - it is a marriage seminar held by FamilyLife.

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting to get different results...Albert Einstein

[charity1]

JLC,

You are to be commended for trying to overcome your addictions and wanting to save your marriage. I have a few suggestions for you:

First off, God needs to be first in both of your lives. I don't know if you and your wife are both Christians or not, but that is the starting point, because all things are possible through Christ who strengthens us, even overcoming addictions and saving struggling marriages. Go to worship services, continue to read your Bible and pray with your spouse. This one is pretty awkward if you haven't ever done it before, but believe me, it changes things. When your wife actually hears you talking to God about your marriage, she will realize you are serious, and just talking to God together brings about intimacy.

Secondly do everything in your power to make your wife feel special. Do things for her. Make her life easier. Treat her like you did when you were dating. She needs to feel secure again. This won't happen quickly, but with time if you love, honor and cherish her like you promised in the beginning, it is possible.

Thirdly, I strongly suggest the book, "His Needs, Her Needs" by Willard E. Harley, Jr. It would be great if you both read the whole book, but you could start by reading "Her Needs" in the book, and she needs to read, "His Needs". I learned things about my husband after 32 years of marriage, that I didn't realize. Men and women just think differently, so it is very important to understand each other's needs. This book is well worth the time. You can even get a good, used copy from Amazon.com very reasonably priced. Hang in there. I am praying for you.

As you struggle with overcoming your addiction, remember God always provides a way of escape from temptation. Always look for it and use it.

[jlc]

Thank you all for your replies and prayers. We are currenlty in search of a female counselor for my wife to see. She does not feel like men understand how women are affected by a husband's betrayal like a woman would be. The problem we've occured so far is that the only woman counselor at the counceling center we've attended in the past is our next door neighbor. Her husband is a minister and we've spoken with them at the beginning of our struggle during a local marriage weekend, but my wife isn't sure if this is someone she'd want to be so close to in life as well as in our struggles. We'll see though.

We have both read some books: Every Man's Battle (me), Every Heart Restored (her), If Only He Knew (me), and currently Creating An Intimate Marriage (me).

I fully understand it will take quite some time to rebuild the trust I have ruined, but it is still difficult at times. I am completely commited to staying pure. I finally realize that it is not for her benefit only, but for my own. I know that my continued sin will eventually kill me. I am leaning on God as my support, as well as an accountability partner (pastor) that I'm hoping to begin a regular meeting time with. I believe I will begin going to Celebrate Recovery on a regular basis, and hopefully my wife will be interested in at least checking it out with me this week.

We are contemplating attending a marriage enrichment weekend in May through LifeWay called Focus On Marriage.

Addressing the issues of her being in counseling or having others to talk with. Currently, as I mentioned, we are trying to find a counselor she will be comfortable with. She has no one to talk with about her situation outside of me. We both realize she needs someone else, just as I do.
Unfortunately, she has no convenient way to research the topic online of have access to this forum, because we had the internet disconnected in our home as soon as I was found out. She has no desire to ever have it again, even though we use the Net quite a bit. She does not feel secure using filtering or accountability software yet.

Thanks again for allowing me to post here and speak my mind about my own frustrations/concerns. I am under no illusion that this is not my fault and I am working hard to restore what I have broken.

Just a note: While she was out of town this past two weeks, I filled several balloons with statements of appreciation for her and placed them in different areas of the house. She appeared to really appreciate the gesture, but on multiple occasions she had a negative comment about my statement to her. Such as, when one note said I felt she was very intelligent, she came back with yeah right. If I was intelligent, then I would have never married you and been caught up in this mess. Or, that she should have at least left the marriage long ago.
I try to ignore such comments and state to her that we have something worth reconsiling.

Thanks again,
jlc

[SAM]

I can only share with you my experience with my marriage.

When we tried living on an island, it didn't work very well. It wasn't until we built support, accountability and community on a consistent basis that things started to change in our marriage - along with a really good counselor.

There is a great book by John Ortberg called Everybody's Normal Til You Get to Know Them that is wonderful at describing how God wired us for community.

[jlc]

Sam,
Thanks for the reply. I like the advice. My wife and I definately need to move in that direction - together.

[charity1]

I know it's hard when she blurts out hurtful remarks, but she has been hurt very badly. It is human nature to want to hurt someone when they've hurt you. Once she is able to find someone to vent to, she should be able to control her outbursts a little better. I have comebacks pop into my head all the time in response to something nice my husband has said, but I manage not to blurt them, just to let them pass because I realize they don't accomplish anything. The more you two hurt each other, the more distance there will be. If you can keep from coming back with a hurtful remark, that will help her a lot. You might even want to agree with her at times to let her know that you are empathizing with her, such as, "I know I was an idiot, and I have no right to expect you to forgive me, but I'm glad you're willing to try," or something to that effect. Be humble and let her know you realize you have hurt her badly and are genuinely sorry for it. Feeling understood and loved helps tremendously in the healing process.

[jlc]

Charity,
Thanks for the post. I was able to meet with my pastor yesterday for some fellowship and accountability. We discussed my wife a bit. He agrees that she is harboring so much pain and unforgiveness without an outlet to vent. He informed that there would be a new female counselor starting at the Christian Counseling Center in our area, so I'm hoping that will be an opportunity for her to have someone she can talk with.
She is not comfortable talking with a guy counselor, because she doesn't feel there is anyway a man can understand how a woman feels about this situation.
She had a pretty down night yesterday, all day and evening. She would not confide in me about what was on her mind, but I'm sure I could guess. I offered her several opportunities to talk to me about what was bothering her, but she declined. I just tried to hold her and reassure her of my love and commitment to her. I tell her all the time that I am so happy and blessed that she has stayed in the marriage this long and is willing to give me another chance to be a good husband.
How long have you and your husband been working on restoring your marriage? You've been married for 32 years, that's great. I'm praying everyday that we make our 10th anniv. this summer.
Thanks.

[SAM]

I have covered you both in prayer this morning.

[charity1]

That is great, jlc. It sounds like you two are on the road to recovery. Just remember it is slow going - you can't rush it. My husband and I have been recovering for a year now, but we have come a very long way in that year. We thought we had a very good marriage, but the OW was able to sneak right in between us. I have never known hurt like that before. Fortunately our roots go deep, so we are recovering. A lot of our problem was not communicating well. We are communicating better now than we have in 32 years. God definitely can make good come from bad.

I'm glad you have someone to talk to and understand where your wife is coming from wanting a female counselor. I really believe that is best. Once she is able to vent and feel understood, she will start slowly moving on. Forgiveness is a decision, and it could take her a little while to get there. It feels like if you forgive too quickly you let your spouse off the hook, and they won't realize how badly they've hurt you, but she will finally realize that the anger and resentment hurt her more than you. She needs all the reassurance you can give her. Marriage is about feeling special to your spouse so the more you can show her you love her and want only her, the faster she will heal. I'll be praying for both of you.

[alexandn]

Hopefully you will keep going to Celebrate Recovery. It is not a quick fix (nothing is) but a healthy, safe community where you can be authentic and be accepted. Nelda

[SAM]

Welcome Alexandn -

We're so glad you have joined GT Community.

[alexandn]

I wasn't allowed to post a web address because I haven't made enough posts yet so I'm going to give you this info without a direct link. You may already know sbout this online community but just in case:

freedomeveryday (org)
livinginfreedomblog (blogspot) (com)

I think you can figure it out. Sexual addiction (including porn) is what their ministry and they have some very good information including some help for your wife.

Hope this helps. Prayers, Nelda

[jlc]

Thanks for the websites. I've actually arleady seen them, but haven't spent much time there.

Here's a good article from ChristianityToday dotcom (from Mar. '08). Check the archives. It's titled "Help for the Sexually Desperate."


It talks about sexual addiction and resources and groups that are helping.
For men, I am a new member of SamsonSociety dotorg. For now, I have limited time to spend on the site, but the info is good and the potential appears great!

Sometimes, it appears that there is soooooo much info out there that my mind is bogged up and I don't know where to put forth energy. I have books and articles to read at home already, so I guess I'll stick with them until they're completed. I would also like to start a journal, either online or not, but have not really began that yet. (I'm open to any suggestions in that area if anyone has any feedback for me.) I pray that one day my testimony will be helpful to others. And eventually my wife's testimony could be helpful to other wives who are confused on how to manage after being in similar situations. Hopefully, we'll be able to work together to help others in our own community and church -- one day.