Growthtrac Community

[j3anjean]

Does God ever sacrifice one person to save another? Does He choose someone who is more capable and will lead more people to Him? I have prayed about it and and don't understand. My husband is magnetic and influential and a leader. Recently, my faith, my relationship with God has been "thrown under the bus." -- but the end result was my husband's acceptance of Christ and his salvation.

I still love God but it is hard to accept that my pain was used as a tool.

[SAM]

Honest answer - I don't know.

I was a believer before my husband was. Difficult and frustrating - you bet. Painful, of course. To sit by and watch him sin and have no remorse drove me crazy.

But when I really thought about it, I also continued to sin as a believer - often without remorse. Yet, God still loved me and forgave me.

I eventually realized that I was given an awesome priviledge. I was able to sit back and watch God work in my husband. He put people, places and events before my husband that eventually drew his heart to Him.
He gave me an upfront seat of His amazing love for me and my husband.

Christ loved us sacrificially. He calls us to do the same in marriage. To give of ourselves expecting nothing in return. To love our spouse when they don't deserve it. Grace is unmerited favor. God extends it to us all the time.

Maybe He wanted you to do the same for your husband?

[mhand]

Hi there,
I'm new to the forum but really felt compelled to post a reply to this topic as it really hit home with me and I can certainly relate.

I do not believe God sacrifices one believer for another. We are all children of God and His love extends to each and every one of us without favoritism. It says in Acts 10:34-35 Then Peter began to speak: "I now realize how true it is that God does not show favoritism but accepts men from every nation who fear him and do what is right.".

With that said, I know that sometimes it's hard to walk the walk of faith when we're going through things in our lives that are physically and mentally draining and at times just downright depressing. But these are the times when we really need to SHOW our faith in God by putting it all up to Him and KNOW that He will sort things out. God will never put more on us than we can bear. And sometimes when we're going through things in our lives it's to remind us of His love and how much we really do need Him in control of our lives. Nahum 1:7 reads The Lord is good, a strong hold in the day of trouble; and he knoweth them that trust in him. We especially have to increase our faith in the Lord during times of trouble.

Many of the trials we go through for life are also things we must endure in order to be prepared for the work God has planned for us. There were many many times in my life that I just sat and wondered "Lord, why am I having to go through all this in my life? Haven't I served You? Haven't I been saved? Help me through these times. I just don't understand.". Well, little did I realize at the time that everything I went through was to prepare me for the ministry He has laid on my heart today (well, not today exactly but recently, you get the drift). I have been called into family ministry. Now, I do not have a counseling degree. But what qualifies me first and foremost is the calling of God to counsel to those families in need and to help prepare young couples for what lies ahead in their marriages. But I am also better equipped and in a position to be able to sympathise and relate on a more personal level with those God puts in my path because of the trials I've been through in my own life as a growing child, then a wife, and then a mother to 4 children. Without all the trials life offered to me I would not be as prepared to help others as I am today.

Whew...didn't mean to be so long winded. But I hope this helps.

[SAM]

Welcome - and thank you for your reply.

Well said. What wonderful insight.

[secured]

Jeannie,

I know what you mean. I have oftened wondered why I am going through this. I know He knew this was all going to take place even before we said our "I do's". Mercy, I know I'm far from being the least bit "perfect", but did I really deserve this much pain? After everything I have put into this marriage from day one, did I deserve to be treated with such disrespect? I guess that is what I also am dealing with. What is all my pain for? Has all the pain he has seen me in finally woken him up to get his life back on track? Is that what God knew needed to happen to get my husband back to Him? Like you, have I been sacrificed (my happiness, my security, etc.) for my husband?

Am I mad at God? No. Even through all of this I know I have been so blessed. And like all of us going through this time in our lives, I have found I am a woman of unbelieveable strength, courage and faith. So even though we are having to go through this turmoil, God has given us tools to make it through. I believe Jesus understands our vulnerabilities, our hurts, our distrust (in our husbands), our different stages of just trying to get a handle on all of this craziness that has been thrust upon us. Sometimes I still wake up and hope it was just all a bad nightmare. I shudder to think of people going through this without Him to run to.

One other thing I've come to believe. I may not fully understand why we go through certain situations here on earth, but we will understand fully when we reach Heaven. All of our questions will be answered. Will I stop questioning why, unfortunantly, no. But there is a peace knowing that God is at the helm and He is in contol. I just have to have faith and remember that, especially when I'm in one of those valley days.

I read the other day an article that said that when anyone comes through this type of fire in their lives, that there is a certain glow (shine) from the inside, that they become such a beacon for God. That they certainly must get a jewel in their crown for keeping faith. Would be nice to be able to lay that particular jewel at His feet, wouldn't it?

Smile and Rejoice! -RJ-

[SAM]

I love Moses.

I think, of all people in the bible, if he could say to the Lord, "Why me?" - so can we. God doesn't mind our questions, in fact I think he enjoys them.

Because of the lovely sin of our brother and sister - Adam and Eve, the perfect union we all long for in marriage and with God was destroyed. Yes, God gave us Christ, but that still doesn't make our sinful, willful, disobedience go away.

Your husbands have made a choice to sin and walk away from God. I have come to realize, I have often made the same choices - perhaps my consequences have not hurt others so deeply, but then again - maybe they have. Unfortunately, the sins of your husbands affect you in mighty and painful ways.

I have to look back at my odedience to God in choosing my husband. Did I pick a man who was fully in love with Lord? No. Was he hungry for the Lord in every aspect of his life? No. Was he fully devoted to him daily in prayer and with accountability with other men? No. So, in my choice for a husband, I may not have been fully obedient to my God. With that willful choice - I've walked through the painful consequences in my marriage.

Have we gotten to the other side now? Yes. Are we healed? Yes.
But, it was a very long and hard road. God has been good and gracious and faithful in helping us build the marriage he wanted for us all along - we just had to be willing participants.

I've come to understand after almost 32 years of marriage that our marriage will always be "a work in progress". It is also the same in my daily relationship with God - I am always a work in progress.

I think of the potter's hand - he has me on the potters wheel and I start to get a little wobbly with sin. Then I start to tilt over and all of a sudden to catch me from completely falling over - plop. The hand of his love comes down and starts to reshape me into a beautiful vessel for his use again.

[secured]

Sam,

Just so love your insights! Like you I married at the tender age of 19 (just two weeks after I turned that age). I was told by him that he was a Christian. His father was a preacher. I grew up in a Christian home so therefore believed and trusted him. I guess you could say I lived a shelterd life. Had no idea of such despicable actions being brought into my marriage. I was always such a happy-go-lucky person. My husband has always said that he was lucky to have married me. Everyone (especially his family, close friends) said I was the best thing that ever happened to him. They never knew of his dark side. They still don't.

Sam, do you think it's wrong that we have not told anyone about this trial we are going through? My husband believes he should only be accountable to me. I have told him, that I am the injured party and therefore cannot be his accountability partner. He has made great inroads to changing his behavior (totally with God's help). I have told him though, that if any such actions ever enter our lives again in any way that he will go public to his family and friends. Harsh? Yes, but I have given him a second chance, so in my mind he had better stay on the straight and narrow. I do not deserve any less.

I want to believe that he has done a 360 about all of this. It's only been a year of him being sexually pure. God will have to keep his finger on him because I get to the point sometimes that I simply cannot worry anymore. I refuse to live the rest of my life tied up in knots. I have to take care of me. My husband had not seen fit to consider me in all of this mess. He knows he was a very selfish man. He wanted to be married to me but also got caught up in the fantasy he created in porn and such. He says that he will live the rest of his life, (if God allows) to cherishing me. I will say he is doing this daily. I am doing the best I can day by day, as we all do.

I have to say again though, I so appreciate this forum. All of you help me in so many ways. Thank you!

-RJ-

[SAM]

My husband believes he should only be accountable to me. I have told him, that I am the injured party and therefore cannot be his accountability partner.

I agree with you on this one.

I just asked my husband what he thought about this. He said the reason he is telling you this is, more than likely he doesn't want true deep level accountability. He doesn't want anyone else to know about his sin. It is Satan's desire to keep sin hidden - to stay in bondage. It is God's desire to expose it to the light. If no one knows, then maybe it never happened and God won't see - the bondage continues.

Usually the injured party doesn't do a very good job at accountability because they want to avoid future hurt and conflict.

Other trusted parties - brothers and sisters in Christ - need to be there for accountability. Even Christ did not live his life alone - he brought 12 beside him to do life with.

The early church was not built on believers doing life on their own. It was built on community with other believers who did life together - eating, sleeping, dancing, singing, weeping, loving and providing for each other. And, when one of them fell into sin - the others were there to pick them up and help that person stay on the right track.

Galatians 6:1-2
Dear brothers and sisters, if another believer is overcome by sin, you who are godly should gently and humbly help that person back onto the right path. Share each other's burdens, and in this way obey the law of Christ.

[secured]

Sam,

I did leave out the fact that my husband has said that he would go to a counselor. I'm not wanting to tell family myself unless he falls again. I don't want to have to deal with their pity. I just pray that this will be a strong enough barrier to keep him pure. I know God is working mightily in his life. To be sexually pure after 40 some-odd years is nothing short of a miracle. He definitely understands that God has been very patient with him up until now. He also knows that if he chooses to fall again that God will deal with him very strongly. He understands that God does discipline his children to bring them back to Him. I do so want to get to the point where I can trust him. He cannot believe that he has not received the consequences that he should have for the actions he has done throughout our marriage. That's another thing that's hard to take is that this has been for all our marriage except for one year. I often wonder how do I just accept and go ahead with this marriage. I know it's what God wants without a doubt. But mercy, did we ever truly have a marriage?

I looked at a photo album this past week of the kids growing up and all the memories and all I could think about was well at this time he was doing such and such. I know it all boils down to time. It just feels like I have been gypped out of all my wonderful memories. That it has all been a bunch of lies throughout all of my marriage. That is what the human side of me is trying to swallow and it's a very bitter pill. Because it is true. Our marriage has been a lie upon a lie. I just wish I could understand how he could sleep at night or face me all these years knowing what he had done and to what extremes he'd gone to. I'm just to forget every filthy action he has done.

Triggers are such terrible things. I long for the day when I no longer see one in everything. Can you tell this has been a valley day?

-RJ-

[SAM]

Yes, it has been a valley day and I have lifted you up in prayer.

If he has agreed to counseling, has he started and are you also participating? I pray that you have.

I would agree with you that telling family is not something you should do.
Sharing with trusted Christian friends is something to consider.

[secured]

Thank you so much for your prayers, Sam. It's a great feeling knowing there are others out there helping you fight too.

We are having trouble finding a Christain man counselor. Should I maybe go to a woman counselor for the individual counseling? I have no idea how to make sure we have a creditable counselor. I've told you my worry of not finding a trustworthy one. Are there questions to ask?

I appreciate your wisdom on not telling family. As far as close Christian friends, (which we have lots of), I still hesitate. I really need to pray on that one. I am almost too much of a private person for my own good. That is why I would perfer to go to a counselor. That way he still has to face another person with his actions and therefore be accountable.

Not so much in that valley to day. It helps to talk all of ones uncertainties out loud. I totally believe that God has led me here to ease my mind. Thank you. -RJ-

[SAM]

This website is a great resource
http://www.christian-counseling-online. ... selor.html

If you can only find a woman counselor, then get started with her for yourself.

The next question I have - what if a male Christian counselor simply cannot be found? What then? Perhaps, once you visit with this person they will be able to recommend a male counselor.

You can usually tell within 2-3 sessions if a counselor is asking God directed/scriptural questions and providing similar direction to get you to contemplate changes.

Personally, I have always entered counseling to establish how I can change myself personally, how I can work through a difficult situation or with a difficult person in my life and how I can do it in a God honoring manner with the understanding of scripture. I tell the counselor this is exactly what I wish to get from our time together.

To begin with, your first sessions may have a lot to do with your family and your early years of marriage. They have to look for established patterns through your family of origin. A good counselor will not spend weeks and weeks on this - not helping you move in a forward direction. They should not just sit there and listen and have no feedback. They should be asking you questions.

[rdsmith3]

Focus on the Family can also help you find a counselor in your area.

Go here for the request form

http://family-referral.custhelp.com/cgi-bin/family_referral.cfg/php/enduser/ask.php

[secured]

Thank you both so much for your inputs. These are great resources. I have requested a referral from Focus on the Family. We are doing quite well given the circumstances. I do feel though that we need a third party to be accountable to. To search things out from my husbands's past that has caused this to be an addiction. I believe I know some of his childhood problems that have attributed to his actions.

Again, thank you so much. You help is appreciated more than either one of you will ever know.

-RJ-