Growthtrac Community

[Cmitchell]

I had a lot of issues in my past relationships with lying and cheating and I thought I had dealt with those. I believe at one time I did trust my husband but I recently found a phone number in his car and he claims it was just an old friend that he met when he went into a store and he threw the number away in front of me but since then I am nosey when he is on the phone I check his cell phone, I go through his car and everytime he leaves the house I think that he is with another women. He is never gone for more than a few hours and I know men that that man to man time but it makes me feel like my Husband doesn't like spending time with me. I would rather sit home in front of the TV and he would rather go out we are totally different but I am starting to think of separating because I don't know how to learn to trust my husband. Sometimes his cell phone will be just sitting in front of me while he is in the shower and I have to fight not to look through it. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!!!!!?

[SAM]

I would seriously consider seeing a counselor to talk about your fears.
Separating will not make the pain go away, it will only make it intensify.
And deep down you know it's important to lift these fears up to God.

I would rather sit home in front of the TV and he would rather go out we are totally different.

I'm sure you knew this about each other when you got married. It can't be a total surprise. There needs to be compromise on "going out time" and "staying home time". You need to talk about it and know that there needs to be some sacrificing for the other.

[Cmitchell]

I did know about this before we got married and I think my expectations were set a little to high and I thought once he was my husband he would change and then I realized that he will not. My biggest problem is not that the leaves my biggest problem me wondering if he is with another women. I am so insecure and I have prayed about this for years and I don't know why I am this way I am a child of God an heir to the royal thrown, I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I have a good job I am in college, I own my own home, I go to church every Sunday and I am very active and I have been praying for God to boost my self esteem and help me to secure in my marriage but sometimes I feel so alone I feel like God isn't listening to me sometimes or maybe I did something in the past to deserve this.

[SAM]

Those unrealistic expectations can trip us up - that's for sure.
Especially when we think someone will change for us.

God tells us in the bible "Do Not Fear" 365 times - one for everyday of the year. If you've given your heart to Christ, you are no longer punished for your past - it is gone, wiped away and clean.

I have been praying for God to boost my self esteem and help me to secure in my marriage but sometimes I feel so alone I feel like God isn't listening to me sometimes or maybe I did something in the past to deserve this.

If this fear is crippling you, and it seems that it is, it's important to get some help through counseling. Words that you hear in your head, or that tap on the shoulder that I call Holy Spirit nudges, will always be affirming and kind and loving. God does not condemn, belittle, put doubt and fear into us.

[Cmitchell]

Thank you, but to be totally hones with you I am so afraid of counseling it almost seems like if you have to take it that far then there is something seriously wrong with you. On the other hand it would be nice to open up to someone who knows nothing about me. I am crying as I am typing this because I think it is such a shame that counseling is an option for me and that I have let this go on for so long. Do you ever feel like the devil is busier than God. Sometimes I feel like my prayers fall on deaf ears.

[SAM]

No, God is in control not Satan. Busy yes, he loves to destroy marriages at alarming rates today. Marriages are the closest thing on this earth to the trinity. You, your husband and God form the alliance that God, His Son and the Holy Spirit has.

I've always looked at counseling as bringing new strength, new perspective and changes to my life. Sometime we are so deeply entrenched in our pain, we can't see the light of God.

So, you have a choice. Continue to walk in the pain and the darkness that it brings, or make a choice to walk away from it and heal. We see and feel God with greater clarity once we do.

Prayers never falls on deaf ears. Sometimes there is so much noise going on around us, that we don't recognize God's hand in our lives. He doesn't always give us clear answers and sometimes we simply do not hear them - but he often brings other people into our lives to talk to us.

Your marriage is counting on getting the help you need.
If you don't trust your husband, who will you trust? If you end this marriage because of trust issues, don't you think the same issues will follow you into the next relationship?

[km]

"I thought once he was my husband he would change"

There is an old saying "Men marry women thinking they will never change, women marry men thinking they will change, both are disappointed. There seems to be a fair bit of truth to that from what I've seen.

[charity1]

CMitchell,
I, like you, felt like I was a failure if I went to a counselor for my problems, but once my husband had an affair, I realized I had to have somebody to talk to. I felt like I had been completely destroyed inside. Even though I talked to my closest friends, I really needed someone who didn't know me or my husband and who would be completely neutral and honest with me. There is no shame in needing to vent and to get advice. Looking back I realize my husband and I had some issues that probably could have been dealt with before he fell. We have been able to discuss the issues now, but it would have been so much better to discuss them early on. I have been reading everything I can get my hands on regarding relationships, and everything I read about men say that they don't want any problems they can't fix, and your husband can't fix your trust issues. Sure, he can do things to help, but only you can get rid of the doubts and fear. A man wants someone he can have fun with and feel free to be himself with. Somebody who loves and shows respect for him, but you have to respect yourself in order to respect him. It's funny, I had real self-esteem issues before the affair, but after going through what I've gone through, I am more confident and self-assured than I've ever been. I had to understand I can survive on my own with or without my husband (with God's help, of course). My husband isn't my whole world. I love him and want him in my life, but God is with me no matter what happens here on earth. Once your focus is on God, everything else will fall into place. True happiness comes from within, and a Christian counselor can help you work on you. God has to be first, then your husband, children, family and friends, in that order. Don't be afraid to get help. Find a Christian counselor. I did and wish I had sooner. I'm praying for you.

[resecured]

Charity, SAM, km,

Truer words have never been spoken. I've yet to go to a counselor. My husband is very supportive of going to one, we just haven't found one yet. One thing I will say though, venting on this forum has been a Godsend to me. Everyone on here understands one way or the other about this issue of trust. Trust has so many levels to it. It's assurance, faith, security, reliance, believe in, depend upon, confidence in, commit to, confide in, expect, hope, esteem, and my biggy - presume. With my husband having so many affairs (7-8) early in our marriage, then moving out of the physical (ending in 81) into the adult porn houses and etc. I, right now, have no respect for him. When someone you have put so much of your life into has betrayed you beyond comprehension, it's hard to simply move forward. Lately, I have been trying to just face my fears and emotions. It's not been easy. I know I have to go down this road even when I would rather just skip all this disecting of my life and go smoothly into the next phase. Right now, I'm trying to come to terms with every memory that we have ever made together being tainted with his deceit. He tries to reassure me that he is no longer that man. That God has taken all of that ugliness from him. I do believe that God can and does work miracles. I have witnessed a change throughout these last 27 years. But I just found out 1 1/2 years ago of the magnitude of his betrayals. Couple that with the STD that I now have the burden of. I know God is with me, otherwise, I wouldn't still be here trying. He has given me such strength. I, like you Charity, am a woman with wonderful self-esteem. I'm not depressed just extremely hurt. People who know me haven't got a clue about what has happened. I will get to the point one day, with God's continuing help and blessings, that I will not get stuck on all of this mental garbage. However, I do expect my husband to do whatever it takes to live a decent life, make sure that I feel cherished, and quite frankly, give me the marriage I should have had all these years. I feel it's his time to fight for the marriage and the love he so carelessly threw away. He says he is going to day by day. That he is not giving up on us. We are (in his words) meant to be together and destined by God to be married to each other. Just wish he would have had this wisdom earlier. Guess I should be thankful, better late than never, huh??

CMitchell,

Like Charity, I wish I had know about all this mess sooner and could have gone to counseling early in our marriage. So much time is being spent on regretting (his part) and healing (my part), that it's hard to be enjoying life to it's fullest. Go, seek counseling. Don't let things fester in your mind. Remember, God is always there for us, that he does answer our prayers with a yes, no or wait. We just tend to want results fast and done yesterday. Remember, you also have us. We are here for each other. Believe me, when I say that it is such a comfort to have brothers and sisters in Christ who care.

-RJ-

[resecured]

Don't have a clue how that came up. Meant to say 7 - 8. Just thought I'd let ya'll know. Sort of looks weird and creepy popping up there like that.

RJ