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[mhaprov]

Hi there.

My wife says she is not "in love" with me anymore, and she feels as though God is trying to tell her our marriage is "wrong" and that we will probably just wind up being friends. Now, as I've read through many articles, posts, scriptures, etc. over the last month or so (when the "stuff" hit the fan), I know that what she's hearing is a deceitful spirit. I'm continuing to remain steadfast and see this through God's eyes, not mine or hers, but my question here is based on our physical relationship. Obviously, I'm a man and it seems as though every night around the same time I have this consistent urge to ask her for sex. We are, for the most part, sleeping in the same bed (when one of us isn't visiting with friends/family). We have not physically separated (yet...it's still a possibility), but emotionally she is detached from me in an almost permanent decision.

So, my question to anyone who cares to answer: is it wrong for me to continue to ask her for sex? I understand this may be frustrating her, but I also understand that sex is still, in the Lord's eyes, allowed and permitted between us because we are still married. If it IS wrong of me, how do I control the urge? Resist the proverbial temptation? I've really tried to focus on prayer on this matter, but every night at around the same time I have the same urge. It almost feels like God is urging me to attempt to "be" with my wife, but every time it's turned down coldly.

Any advice would be incredibly appreciated. Thanks for your time.

[SAM]

Pray -

Lord help me to honor my wife and show her your love and caring spirit.
Lord, for a time, help me with this desire and release me from this need so we can come to a place of healing together.



I feel if you keep asking for sex under these circumstances, you will make her more angry with you and possibly considers your request a very selfish act. It's meeting your needs instead of hers.

[rdsmith3]

I understand exactly what you are saying because my wife has said similar things to me, e.g., she has no feelings for me anymore. I know it is a difficult and frustrating situation.

First, you should have the right relationship with your Savior.

Second, you should have the marital relationship in order.

It is only then that you can enjoy the fruits of a good sexual relationship. I truly understand how frustrating it is to go without, but it is one of those things you have to surrender to God.

C J Mahaney gives a good way of looking at it in his book, Sex, Romance and the Glory of God. He says that you have to touch your wife's heart and mind before you touch her body.

http://www.amazon.com/Sex-Romance-Glory-God-Christian/dp/1581346247

Your wife will resent any pressure you put on her and she will think you are selfish. You may think she is selfish for refusing. What is the end result? You are both blaming each other? How can you move forward in the marriage if you are both pointing the finger at each other? I am not saying this is what is happening in your marriage, but I know that it has happened in mine. Both partners may think they have a righteous, justifiable position, but the marriage could be stuck.

The only way to break this pattern is for you to look at how you can change, and be the husband that God wants you to be, loving your wife as Jesus loved the church.

Read 1 Peter 3:7

Finally, we don't know much about your situation. Are you pursuing Christian counseling, both individually and with your wife?



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[mhaprov]

Thank you, Sam & rdsmith, for your advice.

Sam, as soon as I read your post last night, I integrated that prayer into my nightly time with the Lord. In all honesty, it DID help control my urge. I took a few minutes to apologize to my wife for continually asking for it, and let her know I was really making a true effort to control this.

Here's a bit of my situation. I'm at work writing this, so I'll be brief.

We've been married for 4 years. I'm 23, she's 24 now (19 and 20 respectively on the wedding day). About 6 months ago, our landlord lost the house to foreclosure and we were forced to move back in with her parents (we lived there for the first 7 months of our marriage). Around the same time, I found out my little brother was really becoming a victim of the "herbal drug" and was (still is) absolutely hardened about trying to turn it around. In addition, my mother suffers from several bodily ailments, including severe depression that has led to her trying to kill herself and being committed to a local behavioral health unit twice in a suicide watch. These three specific situations led to a heavy depression for me. I absolutely refused to admit I was depressed, and during this time my wife was struggling to keep our communication active while I was emotionally absent. She finally broke under that pressure, informing me that she was broken, lost and didn't know how or if she even wanted to continue our marriage. At the sound of this, I immediately came out of my depression and began to panic-fix it. Obviously, and as I'm sure you can imagine, that did the exact opposite, causing her to feel massive pressure and trying desperately to break away from me.

We've managed to salvage some sort of relationship. We've both agreed to begin working on our friendship (we were close friends for several years before we went on our first date). My relationship with the Lord has become incredibly strong. He has opened my eyes incredibly, as recent as this weekend, to how much my wife wants to just focus on getting to know her best friend (she confirmed that I was still her best friend last night). I approached her, looked her square in the eye and asked her if she was being unfaithful, physically or emotionally, and she assured me she wasn't and hasn't ever been.

I absolutely do not believe that divorce, for me, is an option. I understand that in this country it takes one person to get a divorce, and if she goes about that, that will not stop me from continuing to listen and follow the Lord. I've attempted to get her to go to our church for counseling, and we did go once to a pastor who talked to us both for about 2 hours, but she said she felt incredibly uncomfortable talking about her feelings to anyone (including me...though she's opened up a little since that appointment) right now. I brought up counseling again yesterday, and she said the same thing. Since this is her position for now, I'm going to begin counseling for myself, hopefully this week, to relearn myself and to hear how God wants to work in my life during this storm.

Is that enough information for now?

Thank you dearly for your words of advice and encouragement.

[confused77]

Hi mhaprov

I have to share that my husband and I are in the same boat.
There are issues in our marriage that my husband doesn't want to deal
with, I think in my mind he thinks if enough time goes by they will be forgotten and all hurts will be healed. Wrong, when it comes to intimacy I
am not interested. Because of the fact that he doesn't want to fix or deal with other issues. So therefore, I have no interest in that area Iam emotionally detached from him. It has come to the point where I just feel like a sex object. yes, it is frustrating to me. I feel that is the only area he is interested in working on. Im sure it is frustrating to him too. But if he would listen to me (not just hear me) if he would just open his eyes and his heart to see that the relationship is not right in other areas, I cannot perform with no emotions. I feel very much guilty. I feel afraid that as soooo much time goes by (before it wakes up) Satan will bring temptation outside of the home. I continually pray God will guard and keep him faithful in this area.


Pls take the advice of the previous post and do the prayer. It sounds as though you have compassion to want to do what is right for your wife . I think that is Great that you care enough to seek advice. I wish my husband could at least want to acknowledge that there must be a problem somewhere on his part.
Get your relationship in order first. Make her feel that you love her for so much more than just at that time. She is special to you in so many ways, and that you lover her for her.

I hope I have expressed this in the correct way. I can relate to what your wife is feeling right now in my own situatio. I can't express how much I wish my husband cared enough to search it out and want to make it right.

[km]

Men and women percieve and process a bit diferently.

I like to give young couples a pair of books - Laura Schlessinger - "Proper Care And Feeding Of Husbands" and Fred Stoker (et al.) -"Every Man's Marriage (it was previously marketed as "Every Woman's Desire"). The first is targeted for her, the second for him, but both should read both, and discuss them.

Men often don't develop/maintain a deep intimacy without the physical aspect to the relationship. Women usually need more of the periphery of the relationship to be tidied up before they are intested in physical intimacy. It is a quandry that isn't entirely solvable unless both partners want to give a bit of ground.