Growthtrac Community

[Deborah]

I recently had an argument with my husband in which I brought up all things I felt he had wronged me. I brought these issues up because I felt that they had never been resolved. Each time I want to discuss what I feel is unfair treatment with him he twists everything round and accuses me of being a nag. A lot of these things happened years back but how come I haven't forgotten when I really want to move on. I do try. For example last night he got a call from one of his nephews (he's married in his 30s) and all that did was trigger off some memories from the past. This particular nephew and his siblings have always been close to my husband- I did not realise the depth of the closeness until after I married him. I felt excluded e.g at one family wedding we went to as my husband arrived they rushed to hug him and froze me out completely- yes I was right at my husband's side but they did not so much as greet me while I just stood there. Afterwards I pointed it out to my husband but he didnt think there was anything wrong there. In another incident one late night my husband and I were in bed engaged in a very intimate act when one of his nieces sent a text message on his cell phone and without batting an eyelid he replied her message while still being intimate with me- I mean in having sex with me his wife- there are many other things I feel are intrusive I cant list them all and by the way his is a huge family but issues are with just one brother's family. Am i being too sensitive and insecure(his words). Been married for 18years now and have three children- when I fell pregnant with my last child back in 1993 my husband pressured me to have an abortion. He didnt want a third child yet to me he was so devoted to the children of only one of his 4 brothers. He even gave me the money and all but thank God I did not go through with it and today he is the father of a son he is immensely proud of . He's forgotten his initial response but I havent. All I want from him is just an apology for the thought and the pressure he exerted on me to comply with his plan. I do hope he repents before God. He justifies himself saying he couldnt afford another child at the time.
I need to let go as these issues crop up from time to time and my husband each time sees nothing wrong and says if he was as bad why am I still with him. I need Godly advice please.

[fishi]

I'm so sorry that you are going through this.

I would recommend that you "pick your battles". Rather than be angry that your H's nephews and nieces are ignoring you, be grateful that they respect and love their uncle.

My H comes from a very large family. Family dynamics vary from culture to culture and from Family to Family. I learned I needed to grow a stronger skin and stick up for those situations that hurt my feelings, etc.

Next time there is a gathering, put on your most welcome smile and hug his neices and nephews and tell them you are thrilled to be married to H because it allows you to count these young people as family for yourself. If they have done something to be proud of, congratulate them. Soon you should be their favorite "out law", errrrr in-law. Seriously, it worked for me in my H's VERY large family.

As to your H responding to a text during intimacy..... This is inappropriate. He may pride himself on his ability to multi task, but during intimacy is not the time. He may send a great text message, but he just ruined the moment between the two of you.

Rather than coach your discussions with H in anger, try Dicussing this with him as to how it makes you feel. ie) "When you text messages dujring our love making, I feel cheap, or 2nd class, or how ever it makdes you feel. Ask him, in respect for your marriage, and for you to please turn of the cell phone, etc. during intimate times between you.

I sense that you are feeling 2nd fiddle to his family. I'm sorry that is happening, I certainly know how it feels. Building my own relationship with my H's relatives changed that for me. I hope it works for you.

((((Deborah))))

[charity1]

Deborah,
My husband also has a large family, and it is easy to feel like a third wheel sometimes, but I agree with Fishi, just try your best to be friendly and supportive around his family and to fit in as much as possible. If you resent their relationship, it could be showing on your face. Try to smile and think of yourself as their family too, because you are. If your husband considers your complaints as nagging, they won't get you anywhere anyway. It will just make him close down when you start to complain.

The next time you know you are going to have an intimate moment, turn the sound off on his cell phone and tell him in a sexy way that you want him all to yourself. It will be very hard for him to argue with that.

As far as letting go of things that your husband has done in the past, the only way I have found that I can do that is to remember what Jesus said, in Matthew 6:14, 15: "For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses." These verses make me realize that I have no choice but to forgive. You may have to make the decision each day to forgive, but forgiveness is a choice that you can make. If we hang on to resentment, love can't grow, and when love doesn't grow the little things become big things. We tend to focus on the bad in our lives instead of the good. Whenever you think of all the things your husband has done to wrong you, try to replace those thoughts with thoughts of what he does right - the things you love about him. I also try to read I Corinthians 13 often to remind myself what love is and what it isn't. I just try to remember I can't change my husband, but I can change myself, and when I'm pleasant and trying to be the wife I should be, my husband tends to react in a pleasant way and seems to try harder to be a better husband.