Growthtrac Community

[ladyt]

My husband and I are still separated but living in the same house. We say good morning and sometimes goodnight. I stop asking him about us working on the marriage. I did ask him how he could go months without sex as a man and he said it can be done.

I do miss him holding me but I understand that he's in the mode of trying to emotionally hurt me as much as possible so I have looked to God for my love and attention. I thought about visiting a sex toy store but did not feel comfortable as I was not sure what the spiritual context was on this matter. I no longer have the desire to make love and have him treat me like a one night stand. Once since we've been separated I made an advance and he accepted but told his friends the next day about it and that hurt me. I did confront him about it and he said he was sorry.

He withholds his affection to teach me a lesson. So far this time around its been 2 months but he has gone for 3 months trying to show me whatever it is he is trying to show me. He won't talk to me without being sarcastic and degrading. He will only talk to his female co-worker who has become his best friend and a couple of guys.

He has a lot of self control as he was once very much in to Karate. I guess I'll learn the lesson some day.

[babycakes]

From your previous posts and other statements that you have made, it seems he is being intimate with someone else.

He is using this as a weapon. It is a way to control you.

I am so glad to see you are looking to God for the affection and love you so desperately need. He is your Heavenly Husband when your earthly one is failing you.

[ladyt]

Yes, that is exactly what I'm doing, resting in the Lord.

Grace during our trials reminds us that our father enables us to become stronger in faith and deeper in intimacy. So rather than trying to get my H to focus on our marriage and me focus on getting our marriage back on track I am focusing on the Word and bathing in various Christian radio programs.

I saw in the past how I tried to control things and really did not let go. Now I'm ready for whatever God allows. I thank him for this trial as I have gotten closer to Him and more into His Word.

I found that grace echoes in my spirit that God is with me to be my supporter and provider. I have chosen to walk in that spirit. I kept having sexual fantasy that he would come into the room and be with me but that is now gone. Glory to God! I am praying for others on this site who feel that God is moving when the only person that is moving is them based on what they are saying. I know its difficult to be in this type of trial in a marriage and not DO something, but God...(fill in whatever), he's good and faithful.

I am thankful for this site.

[rdsmith3]

It is definitely a challenging area in a marriage. My wife has withheld most forms of physical contact. We have gone many months without making love, and have gone a very long time without kissing. She will let me hug her occasionally. I know she is trying to punish me.

I have had to surrender this to God. I know that I have to go through trials in order to be closer to Him. I thank the Lord for continuing to love me and pursue me.

[km]

To listen to my male friends tell it, the ladies withholding sex is a very common thing, and it causes extreme frustration to the fellows (to the point - or past the point - of entirely underming the marriage).

[rdsmith3]

To listen to my male friends tell it, the ladies withholding sex is a very common thing, and it causes extreme frustration to the fellows (to the point - or past the point - of entirely underming the marriage).

I am not going to let that happen, with God's grace.

In fact, Charles Stanley reminded me yesterday of 2 Corinthians 12:9. God said to Paul, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."

[babycakes]

It's not a one way street as many man may think. There's a lot of articles in Growthtrac about this. It 's a struggle for women too when their husbands lack desire. Things can and do change in men - job stress and money worries are a huge factor. Also, pornography is another factor.

Intimacy starts in the morning and has to slow cook throughout the day - like a crockpot. It starts with kisses and hugs and kind words. It continues with loving talk and "I miss you" throughout the day via a call or e-mail or text. It continues with a big hug and kiss when we greet each other in the evening. When our kids were small, we sprinkled things with a little more care and spices when we were both involved in finishing chores, cleaup after dinner, giving baths and getting kids in bed in the evening. Then we had time for each other. During the week we stopped filling up the family schedule with activities so there was time to talk and be together intimately. Sometimes we didn't have dinner until after the kids were in bed. There was a wonderful idea shared here on the boards awhile ago - to have a pizza picnic by candelight in our bedroom.

We have some dear friends who play music and eat by candlelight every single night. The kids are gone (of course) but it's not unreasonable to try that once a week even when the kids are still at home.

We both suffer with lack of desire when we are too exhausted and not connecting in other ways throughout the day.

If my husband were to approach me and go, "hey baby", I'd want to wack him over the head. That's not a loving, sacrificial way to build intimacy in our marriage. It would speak to me that his only interest is in satisfying himself.

[km]

I certainly did not intend to say this was a "one way street" or to imply that the problem is exclusively one men suffer.

I have seen the comments made here by women as the problem going both ways, and although I don't hear such complaints from the women I know, I wouldn't hear them because the topic wouldn't come up with the women I know (and I don't know what they say among themselves when I'm not there).

I think a lot of the problem is different communication styles and different focuses for men and women. The disconnect makes both think the other is rejecting them, and the intimacy suffers. He is mad because she doesn't do "x" and she is mad because he doesn't do "y" - all the while not realizing or recognizing the significance of "y" or "x" to the other. The spouse's hot button issue is not on their radar screen while they focus on their own hot button issue.

[babycakes]

My personal experience in my marriage and what I see in the marriage of my friends is, intimacy issues have a lot more to do with selfishness than communication. It's when we take what what given to us by God as a gift and create it in our own image that we distort God's image of oneness. When we demand, shame and manipulate - sinful selfishness enters the picture.

[km]

babycakes - I would view your "selfishness" comment as dovetailing with the "focus" issue I raised. When both are focused on their own prominent issues and ignoring their spouse's issues, then the lack of intimacy snowballs. They are both being selfish (and counterproductive).

[babycakes]

Gotcha!

Thanks!

[ksacredlove]

I can tell you are in alot of pain. But not dealing with the underlying issues will only perpetuate the pain. If your husband is unwilling to go to a counselor that does not mean that you can't. It is incredible how much awareness and strength can come from looking at a current painful situation in your life and unlocking the reasons why you are engaged in it.
God does not need for you to suffer to learn what you need to learn you just have to be willing to look at it-and usually that takes self reflection and support in making different choices.

Sex toys can be utilized for a sacred self pleasuring experience--when you can invite your spirit into a self pleasuring experience instead of thinking that what you are doing is bad or sinful you will feel God's presence there with you and enjoy wholeness and health.

[km]

"ksacredlove" The first part there looks solid. The second part there appears to rest on some pretty poor theology.

[ksacredlove]

Sexuality and Spirituality are meant to be connected --it is our sense that they are seperate that creates shame.

[babycakes]

I agree about sexuality and spirituality - except the bible has a lot to say about what self-gratification does to our minds and our hearts.

The act of masturbation is a very slippery path to walk down. The root of this act stems from the heart and can lead a person down a habitual path of sorrow, shame, guilt and destruction. The word Mas in the Webster's New World Dictionary is a word, which means Hand. The word Bating is a word that is derived from the word Abate which means, to make less in amount, or to become less. The definition of masturbation is "self-abuse.

You will never find the word masturbation in the bible, but there are keys scriptures in the bible that lets us know that masturbation is not healthy for us spiritually.

Matthew 5:28 Jesus says, "Do not commit adultery." But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.

Adultery is not only the physical act, but adultery can also be committed in the mind. Masturbation can involve sexual fantasy, visualization, and often pornography or x-rated videos. The Bible is very clear as to what God expects of us in these areas of fantasy and lust.

I have no problem with a husband and wife enjoying this together, as there is no limit to pleasure or watching in the context of mutual enjoyment or using sex toys - as long as the agreement is mutual and there is no guilt or shame layed on the marriage bed by either partner.

It's a heart/spiritual balance that can very quickly get out of balance whenever we engage is self-pleasure - alone.