Growthtrac Community

[ladyt]

I agree. I can see the anger in his eyes when I said something to him last night.

I am turning in the paperwork for the injunction. The police said it would be temporary and could be dismissed when we both go before the hearing.

I am submitting today when I get out of class.

[rdsmith3]

I agree with SAM. You have an opportunity now, relatively easily, to get a restraining order. Stand firm. In a perverse sort of way (it is amazing how God works in unexpected ways) his violent outburst gives you the opportunity to protect yourself and your daughter. Don't give up this opportunity.

The other thing I was thinking, because I have been there, is that when you are in a relationship that is deteriorating over time, it can become easy to lose sight of what is normal and healthy. I can only go by what you are saying, but it seems clear that things are not at all normal or healthy.

Like SAM, I am not advocating divorce. But I am suggesting that it is perfectly OK for you to establish boundaries of acceptable, healthy behavior. There should be consequences for your husband's behavior, in which he crossed those boundaries. He needs to understand that God commands him, in 1 Peter 3:7

Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.

God is offended by his behavior.

I pray that God gives you the wisdom to make the right choices, and the strength to carry them through. I pray that God grants his peace to both you and your daughter.

I also pray that God opens the eyes of your husband, and that He touches his heart so that it is no longer hardened. I pray that the Holy Spirit convicts him of his sin and leads him to repentance.

[babycakes]

Oh dear sister, my heart grieves for you and your situation.

Lord, I lift this family up to you. Protect her and her daughter from the onslaught of the evil one. Provide her with wisdom to clearly see your will and opened doors of opportunity. Calm her heart and fears.

Open the eyes and heart of her husband to see that his ways are the wrong path.

Heal the hurts and wounds of the young daughter. And, help her to feel your love deeply inside of her instead of the love of men. Guide her in your paths - so she will stay on the right road or obeying her mom.

Draw them close to you with comfort and love and mercy.

[ladyt]

Thank you RJ. I have been with him for 19 years so it is hard to let go. I am physically hurting, although he says he did not hit me, he grabbed me by the neck and tried to pull me out of the room so my neck hurts, lower back and left hip from falling and then being pushed into the wall. He has not apologized so that in itself speaks volume.

He cannot love me and do right until he love himself. I'm praying for his salvation, however he is very much like Pharoah. Very hardened heart. I do not want to be with him. I told him years ago that he would keep on until I no longer felt much and I fear that time has come.

Sam and Babycakes! God bless you. I am so uplifted by all of your comments on this issue. I will bless His name and will continue to call upon him.

[ladyt]

My Dau told me her dad apologized to her last night for allowing her to see that behavior. He will talk to her but not me. He's trying to get her on his side as he knows she is seeking his attention.

I told him years ago that he is going to keep on until I have no feelings left. I have been emotionally abused for years and it gets worse each year.

He wants to just live in the house in the guest bedroom forever.

He has not even offered any kind of apology of any kind to me, not one word.

I want out from under this abuse. I pray he gets court ordered counseling once I file this injunction but he needs Jesus in his life right now.

[ladyt]

I filed the injunction and will know today if it was approved or dismissed, however I feel gulity for submitting it. I know this is a result of the the battered women syndrome.

He purchased bins yesterday and placed all excessive pillows and blankets in them and stored them. He has not said anything to me. He apologized to my daughter but not to me.

[resecured]

(((((ladyt)))))

Hope you can feel that hug I'm sending your way! My heart goes out to you, dear sister. I know that was not an easy process to go through. Sam and everyone here is so right when they say you have to protect yourself and your daughter. God does not expect you to withstand being attacked or demeaned in any way. That is not of Him.

My MIL told my husband years ago when we were first married to watch what you do and how you act toward RJ, because you can kill love. My husband told me this right after he had disclosed his past to me. My MIL has been through some very tough times with my FIL throughout the years. Apparently, he (my husband) was too self-centered to listen to that advice. It's true though, I right now, am in a state of unfeelingness toward him. I care in that I don't want him to die or anything, but to say that I am in love with him, no I'm not. It's hard because for so many years I cherished and was so in love with who I thought he was. Now I feel I don't know him at all sometimes. For me, it's puzzling how I feel about him. Yesterday, we actually laughed a true laugh together (first in a long long time). Then in the next breath, I'm hit with a trigger. I know satan is hitting me from all sides right now, and I do know where to turn to for strength, His amazing strength. But I'm still a woman who has to come to terms with certain facts about her life, about her husband who has betrayed her beyond all reasoning, and to try and live according to God's Word amongst all the rubble around her. Dear friends, it almost seems impossible, doesn't it. I keep remembering and hang onto Matthew 19:26 "With men this is impossible, but with God all things are possible." That is what keeps me steadfast in this craziness that is my life right now. Know that I pray for each and every one of you on a nightly basis. -RJ-

[charity1]

RJ,
Your post just broke my heart. I can truly say I do love my husband, and I can only imagine how hard it would be to stay with him if I didn't. When this all first came out, and I let him know I forgave him, while we were praying together he thanked God for letting him fall in love with me all over again. That meant so much to me. Obviously during the time of the affair, he wasn't loving me like he should. After he prayed that, I realized that's what I had done as well. I had fallen in love with the man he is now. I had to think of the old, flawed marriage and the old, sinful man he was as dead. That was very tough, but now I am in love with the new, Christ-like man I've always wanted. Obviously this didn't happen overnight, but it did happen. I think the key is our attitude. We can choose to be bitter and resentful, or we can choose to forgive and start over. We all know what God's original plan was for our marriage, we just have to somehow get back to that original plan.

[resecured]

charity

That's what I am having trouble with big time. I can't seem to let any of it die. I loved my marriage, my life all these past years. It seems like if I just let it go it will mean that most of my very life, all those years of loving and caring for him were meaningless. We're talking almost 32 years here. How does one simply let it die? I am surrounded by everything that represents our life together that I've held dear, even down to pictures. I have to do something with that. Crazy thing is, as numb as I feel toward him, I'm not bitter toward him. I don't rant and rave at him. We actually are able to exist nicely. He notices that I've changed that there is a curtain of doubt that I have put up between us. I'm not mean at all towards him. We can have fun at times. But it's like I don't want to let my guard down because he lived such a double deceitful life that goes so beyond the scope of anybody's imagination. He tries very hard and I do appreciate that. He wants to take me on a date weekend this weekend. I'm looking forward to it but I also dread it. He's such a stranger now more than ever since my upset in dealing with the pictures of our past marriage and having to squelch the intense feelings of pain and anguish that hit so suddenly out of nowhere, while in front of family. At times I just think of the injustice of it all. I did nothing but I'm the one who is truly suffering in several ways. Truly, where's his suffering compared to mine? I know pity party time, but honestly it's the reality right now of knowing that our marriage wasn't even given a chance and that from day one I never even envisioned what was going on underneath and was completely fooled for 31 1/2 years. That's a bitter pill to swallow, my friends.

Thanks for listening!

-RJ-

[charity1]

RJ,
I definitely get where you are coming from. At first I felt like our whole marriage was a lie too, but look at it this way, during all those years that you felt happy and secure, he must have really loved you to be able to make you feel that way, and to even want you to feel that way. He must be a great dad or you wouldn't care of your children knew what he had done.

Here recently we have been studying the Old Testament at church. When I look at those men, it helps me to see that my husband is not so unusual after all. Look at David. God was willing to give him anything he asked for, but he had to take a woman that didn't belong to him. There there is Jacob. He had more than one wife and concubines, but his true love was Rachel. Men are just wired completely different from women. I have come to believe that even if they stray like our husbands have, normally there is only one woman that they really love. This is not to make excuses for them in any way. They are dead wrong. God has told them plainly in His word they are wrong, but this helps me put it all into perspective and not be too judgmental.

I firmly believe our marriages weren't a lie. We are just married to men that had a weakness they needed to turn over to God. Now that they have done that, all we can do is trust that things will change. You commented in one of your posts way back that you didn't know how you would be able to celebrate your 50th wedding anniversary when your whole marriage has been a lie, and at the time I thought that too, but now I think there will be even more to celebrate because we have gone through the fire and survived. Not many people can say that. It takes a lot of dedication to each other to withstand something like this. I believe deep down you do still love him, you are just so afraid of being deceived and hurt again. We all feel that way, but what kind of life would this be if we continued to live in fear and be afraid to love the one God gave to us? As we are taught over and over in church, love isn't a feeling, it's an "active good will toward". I know you have said in several of your posts that you are afraid if you let it go he won't understand how much he has hurt you. If he is like my husband, I believe he is hurting more than we can ever know. This can't be easy to live with. My husband has told me he will regret his sin everyday until the day he dies. I believe hanging onto our hurt and the injustice of it all only hurts us. That's why I am determined to let it go. To be honest, I finally just got tired of punishing myself with my own thoughts. They aren't completely gone, but they are way better than they have been in the past. No doubt Satan won't let me get rid of them completely, but I am determined to battle them every time they pop up.

[ladyt]

It’s nice to read what everyone is feeling.

I love my husband very much and do not want to divorce him. I still cook, clean and say hello. I try to say something general but he is silent as if I were not there. That is frustrating so I decided not to engage him at all until our teen ran away. Trying to get his input about what we should do moving forwarded and he ended up telling me he did not want to see my face and to get out of his blankety blank room. I stood there looking at him and he jumped up and attacked me. I cannot allow this. I'm not angry at him. No matter how lvoing and ncie I am he gets more and more angry with me. I think guilt is riding his conscious and when he sees me or hears my voice it makes him angry. His sister says I'm too nice to him but I cannot pay evil for evil. He was like his as a child per his 3 sisters. he attends church every Sunday but mainly I see him socializing with his friends.

I actually feel sorry for him. How bitter he must be with himself and trapped in sin to the point he does not know or want to get delivered from. He has been doing this for the last 7 years but the last 2 years has been really over the top in how he treats me. This is not love. he told me he moved back so b/c he pays the mortgage, not b/c of us and it shows. No human can live with the one they love and not say anything or have any interactions with them and be ok with it.

There has to be boundaries.

[resecured]

Charity,

My husband is very remorseful. He too says that he will have to live with his regrets until the day he dies. Can you truly just let it go? Will you ever get to the point of not honestly thinking about any of it? Crazy as it sounds, I'd rather know about all this instead of being kept in the dark like I have been all these years. True, the physical stopped 27 years ago and he has turned it all over to God. He just never wanted me to find out, ever. He said that he would abide by whatever I wanted to do. He can't stand the thought of me not being in his life but if I need to leave him that he would take care of me always. I see him battle with himself to not lose hope. He knows he does not deserve a second chance because of the extreme nature of his betrayals. He says when he thinks back over how he has lived his life and how he treated me it's hard for him to even believe that he could ever be forgiven by God or by me. I've been trying to come to terms that now we can at least try and have a true, honest, decent life together. I too, get so tired of combating with my own thoughts. It's just this heart is so frail from having been ground into the dirt. I feel too that even with all his remorsefulness, he still has not had to deal with what I'm dealing with. It's still all hidden. He's getting to keep his reputation, not be humiliated, his character is unscathed with everyone else. I think that is why I'm hestiant in just letting it go. It feels like he's getting away with everything scott free. No consequences really. I wonder at times, is he being so great to me because he doesn't want me to sound the bell. What would happen if I wanted him to at least tell his parents about everything? At least you know your husband is there with you because he really wants to be, it's been made public somewhat. My trust in my husband is null and void so I question even his sweetest motives because I hold the key to his reputation. Harsh, I know but these thoughts assail my mind on a daily basis. It's like there is still this feeling of secrecy surrounding us still. Shouldn't he have to swallow his share of this bitter pill too? See what I mean by hard to let go.

-RJ-

[charity1]

RJ,

Can you truly just let it go? Will you ever get to the point of not honestly thinking about any of it?

I'm sure it will never 100% go away unless I develop Alzheimer's or something, but I do believe it can be so far in the recesses of my brain, eventually, that it won't control me or even really hurt me anymore. My sister died of cancer back in 1993. She died a horrible death, and I was alone with her when she died. I can still think of that day, and if I dwell on it, the sorrow will overwhelm me. The memory is still there and can be vivid if I choose to let it be, but I don't choose to let it. It took quite a while after her death not to visualize it on a daily basis. I had to just keep pushing it out of my mind and telling myself that I wasn't helping her or myself by dwelling on that memory. I also had to deal with the fact that she was gone from this life forever. I didn't think I could ever come to terms with that, but I have. So, I am thinking and hoping that that is how it will be with this devastating memory.

I feel too that even with all his remorsefulness, he still has not had to deal with what I'm dealing with. It's still all hidden. He's getting to keep his reputation, not be humiliated, his character is unscathed with everyone else. I think that is why I'm hestiant in just letting it go. It feels like he's getting away with everything scott free. No consequences really.

I see what you are saying, but then again it isn't hidden from God, and that is the real consequence. He has to live with himself before God knowing what he did. If he is truly right with God now, that has to be a horrible memory for him, just like it is for you. My husband's sin became public, and that was definitely a relief for me, but it didn't change the fact of what he had done. It still didn't undo it. I doubt that my husband's reputation was anything compared to the pain he goes through knowing how much he hurt me and his family. I know his family knowing compounded his pain, but I really believe he was suffering terribly just knowing how bad he hurt me alone. It was 7 months from the time I learned about the affair until it became public. He cried daily during those 7 months. After it became public, he began to talk to the preacher where we go to church now. I think that was really the turning point in his healing. It becoming public actually freed my husband. More than likely your husband lives with the fear he will be exposed. I would think that living with that fear would be worse than the actual exposure itself - just wondering when and how. After all, you found out after 26 years, what's to say he won't be exposed at some point? I'm guessing he suffers a lot more than you realize.

[FaithHopeJoy]

RJ

What should have been a joyous recent occasion for you - filled with happy family reminiscences - was tainted by your awareness of what was going on at the time those events were captured in photographs and etched in individual memories. I feel your pain and I am uplifting you and your marriage in prayer.

You may remember that it was just after we returned from our silver wedding anniversary trip in 2006 that I was blind-sided by discovering my H's infidelity. The affair had been going on for 6 months when I first found out and, despite my knowing, it got more intense through 2007 (yes, really!) and my H withdrew from me altogether (sleeping in the guest room, with no intimacy for the last 18 months).

Last Fall, a colleague of my H and the OW (they are/were co-workers) took a stand - and sent copies of emails, photos, internet records, etc to me and to the head of the Christian mission where my H and the OW worked (long, long hours) together. They were each given an official warning that their conduct was inappropriate and they were asked to repent. They claimed to have done so - and vowed to have zero non-work contact. Then, just two months ago, they were discovered together at the OW's house late on a Saturday night.

My H 'resigned' with immediate effect - on the understanding that no-one else should be told what had happened. My MIL doesn't know he has resigned, our pastor doesn't know, and my H has asked me not to say anything to anyone in the family - even our adult children. I have promised to respect this request. His reputation is VERY important to him. He hopes to be re-instated in the future. I have prayed about this every day. It weighs heavily on my mind. I can understand what you mean, RJ, when you said:

I hold the key to his reputation

It is human to want justice or even revenge and to ask why the unfaithful spouse often seems to sail through the situation and come up 'smelling of roses'!! However, God constantly reminds us that we should forgive - not once, not twice, not seven times - but 70 times 7. What a high standard! But remember our role model - Christ Himself. Only by God's awesome grace have I been able to focus (most days!) on how I am blessed rather than what I am missing.
In case it helps you at this time, why not try to set aside the suspicion that your H is only being lovely to you because he's fearful that you'll tell the world how badly he's behaved. Believe instead that he is showing you affection because he truly realises how richly blessed he is to have you as his wife. He has really put your love to the test. He has betrayed your trust. He didn't honour the covenant of marriage in the early days. BUT, he is attempting to make amends. My prayer for you is that you will be able to rediscover the love you once had for this man. After all, Christ loves us better than unconditionally, and even when we are seriously unlovely!

Ephesians 4:7 reminds us that

Everyone of us is given grace according to the measure of the gift of Christ.

[resecured]

charity,

I too understand the pain of losing a loved one to cancer. I was by my precious dad's side when he went to be with the Lord on Aug. 11, 2004. I, like you do not dwell on his passing because I just can't go there. I understand the pushing away of the sorrow from our minds. I had to do this back in 1986 after I lost my baby girl during childbirth. I had to go on for my other daughter so could not wallow in my sorrow then either. The question is why can't I do that same thing now. The only reason I can fathom is that they did not willingly try to destroy me. What is ya'lls opinion about even though we are forgiven, are there are still consequences? Do you think there are loss of rewards in Heaven? Or are the sins totally wiped away, forgotten with no consequences? This is still so odd for me. D-day for me was Aug.11, 2006. I was already in a downer because it was EXACTLY the 2 year anniversary of my dad's death. So that date is a double whammy. He tells me that there are times when he has nightmares that I will leave him. Or he has nightmares that he has fallen again and the guilt is just too overwhelming and he wakes up in a cold sweat for the fear of hurting me again. He knows that I can never allow anything of that sort into my life, ever. I'm not even up to allowing any kind of failure of that nature by him. This stuff is progressive so if he wants to be married to me there will be boundaries, period. I feel I have a right to put boundaries on our marriage after everything he has done. Microscopic living of sorts. Sounds horrible I know, but our life really is quite calm. Just means that I accept nothing now but the truth and total transparency.

You know Charity, I never thought about it that way before. He has no relief. He was so shocked that God allowed me to find out 26 years after it all happened. I'm sure he's not sure what the future holds about anyone else finding out. Mercy, that's where my relief really is. I can't trust him, but I can trust God to help me in any way necessary. It took me having the STD because it had to be something of that magnitude because I never would have ever believed it otherwise. Yeah, I was that in love with this guy. Isn't it amazing that God is in control over the date and time of the/any revelation(definition in dictionary, - revealing, God's manifestation of himself to man, something revealed to man by God, something which brings a shock of surprise). Wow!!!!! I never thought of him really living in fear. I myself do not live in fear. Kinda of strange that I don't, isn't it. I trust God. Why wouldn't I? He's already proved His power in that He has now dealt my husband his due. Me finding out about my H's past of 26 years ago. It's like he didn't want me to know and yet he's relieved that I know because that's not who he is or hasn't been for years. He's praying that I will someday be able to accept him as the man he has become. To not think of our marriage as being a total waste. Still working on that one.

FHJ,

I've been wondering how you are doing these days. You know I go over in my mind constantly to try and count the blessings amongst the ashes. I do find them. 70 times 7, it almost seems like I've about reached that number in forgiving my h on so many numerous occasions, especially since 2006. I use to think that telling him one time early on that I forgave him for doing all of this was enough. Shoot, I've learned that right now, every day I have to rise and shine and work at forgiving him. With each new day new discoveries (like the pictures) are hitting my brain that I have to rifle through and deal with. Once I deal with them I then forgive him for the hurt that the dealing has caused me. So I'm praying that one day I will be through with all these hurts and can finally come to terms with it all. File it all away into the recesses of my mind so it can no longer control me or my life. I like that thought.

Thank you both so much for being there for me through all of this craziness. I CANNOT tell you how much you mean to me. I have told ya'll things that even my husband hasn't heard because even he could not fully grasp the understanding of what I fully mean. He does know that all of you are my sanity-keepers. He appreciates all of you too. Heck, if I didn't have my outlet through Growthtrac, there is no telling what he would look like by now. You know my fetish for iron skillets and their handy work upside heads. Honestly, talking to you helps me figure out my life the best way I can. You present to me all the angles. Some of which I would never have thought of. Did you ever think back when you first got married that you would be where you are today? It blows my mind. This happened to other people. This kind of stuff was food for the Jerry Springer show. Anyway, again thank you so much. You are so dear to me.

Love always,
-RJ-