Prayer for Guidance

[GrandmaT]

I still need prayers for my marriage - my husband is still talking to other women and keeps reminding me that he is leaving. Right now we can't financially afford for him to leave and I don't want him to leave. The OW is married and goes to the same church I have been trying for the past few weeks. (I sought counseling there because it was the church my husband and I were married at.) I did not know she attended there with HER husband and daughter's family. My husband claims that he is not having an affair - it appears to only be emotional but she is influencing him to divorce me. She has had numerous affairs, that my husband is not willing to hear about and she is telling him that she has been unhappily married for 27 years (she hasn't told him that she is on her 3rd husband-they have been married for 22 years). I'm not sure if I should tell her husband that she is spending a lot of time talking to my husband or if I should confront her and tell her she needs to break it off with my husband. She acts lovingly towards her husband and it appears that he doesn't know they are talking so much - the last affair she had, she got herself and the OM fired. (her husband found out and started a fight with the OM) I'm so confused - I want to keep my husband and have been going to counseling - they think I need to let my husband know how I feel - I'm affraid that if I tell him in words - he will leave, then I won't have a chance to try to keep my marriage intact. Please let me know what I should do.

[charity1]

GrandmaT,
What have you got to lose by talking to your husband? If he is threatening to leave, talking can't hurt anything. I realized after my husband's affair that lack of communication is probably one of the main factors in his getting himself into such a mess. If you ever hope to restore your marriage, you and your husband will have to talk. It's hard to stay calm in this kind of discussion, but the calmer you can be and the less accusing you can be, the better. Try to have a rational conversation with him. I suggest you read "Love Must be Tough" by James Dobson for pointers on this. Don't be so afraid of losing him that you become a doormat. Being a doormat won't earn you any respect from him. When I found out what was going on with my husband, I told him it was me or her, but it wasn't going to be both, and I meant it. I have too much respect for myself to live like that. I had already been feeling like I was second best, and I told him I loved him, but I was through living like that. It's one thing for him to threaten to leave, but it is something else to actually do it. He knows this OW is still with her husband. If he doesn't see her clearly now, he will eventually. You need to be firm but loving. I am praying for you.

[SAM]

I'm afraid that if I tell him in words - he will leave, then I won't have a chance to try to keep my marriage intact.

Please lay your fears in the lap of Jesus. Go to him moment by moment, minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day that your fears well up in you. I am praying that you are able to do this.

I am holding you by your right hand - I, the Lord your God. And I say to you, "Do not be afraid. I am here to help you." Isaiah 41:13

I have been going to counseling - they think I need to let my husband know how I feel.

I'm sure you are paying good money to go see a counselor. Why not take their advice? They're the experts.

If the shoe was on the other foot and you were continually talking, texting or e-mailing another man - it would be an emotional affair. Sex is not the only thing that constitutes an affair - emotional attachment and need to connect, along with sharing secrets does also. Many men and women think if they're not having sex, they're not having an affair. So untrue. (Your husband needs to hear this from you.)

Purity of the eyes, the mind, the heart and the body - all four parts are key elements of purity in and out of marriage.

Matthew 27-29
You know the next commandment pretty well, too: 'Don't go to bed with another's spouse.' But don't think you've preserved your virtue simply by staying out of bed. Your heart can be corrupted by lust even quicker than your body. Those leering looks you think nobody notices—they also corrupt.

Dear sister, you cannot be gripped by fear that he will leave. You cannot plead with him - as that will only make him want to run further away from you. Quite frankly, he can't have his cake and eat it too. He can't run all over you and your emotions. It's one or the other - you or her - not both.

The sooner you let him know how you feel, hopefully, he will join you in counseling. If he refuses, he's made his choice. He simply can't go back and forth between you and the OW. No more.

Now, this does not mean that you proceed with divorce. This means you wait on the Lord's timing and in the meantime pray like crazy for your husband to draw close to Him and walk away from his sin. Power of a Praying Wife by Stormie O'Martian is awesome and so is Love Must Be Tough by James Dobson.

[GrandmaT]

Thank you for your thoughts and prayers. I have read Love Must be Tough and The Power of a Praying Wife. I have also been reading Proverbs for each day of the month. I have not been allowing my husband to treat me like a doormat - we do talk just not about our relationship right now. I have told him that it is me or her. He had admitted that they started to have an affair in March but decided not to since they were both married and he said that they had ended it at that time. It had not become sexual (he seems to still know the boundries of his faith) - he keeps claiming that when they do talk, they only talk about business (she does the advertising for a local radio station - that is how they met). Since we are in a small town - it is hard for them to spend any time together. He has told the people that know he wants a divorce that he is not talking to the OW so they think I'm just being needy. I have gotten to where I don't say anything to anyone now other than the few friends that are supporting me through this. He is lying to everyone - including himself, so that is why I don't know that talking to him about this again is going to do much good. I do a lot of praying and activities to keep myself from trying to dwell too much on this. At work is the toughest - too much time on my hands right now.

[SAM]

Your counselor is advising you to take a step forward and to keep talking to your husband about your relationship. Your counselor must have a reason for asking you to do so.

You have to talk about what is broken. What does he see as broken? What do you see as broken? If you don't talkabout it, how can you work with the counselor on fixing it?

There are things you can say each day that still speak of your love for
your husband, such as:

- I love you
- I still admire you for ...
- I still find you handsome
- I find you to be very smart when it comes to...
- Do you remember when we used to.... I would like to do that together.
- You grill the best hamburgers and steaks of anyone I know.
- You are such a great help to me around the house
- I love such and such about our marriage.....
- I believe in you and will not give up on us..


I know that all my husband longs for is, for me to admire him and respect him. We got into deep weeds when all I could do was find fault with him. In my eyes he could do nothing right. Sometimes we get into these ruts after many years of marriage, and forget why we fell in love to begin with. We forget to love our spouse through Christ's eyes. If you continually condemn him for his sin, he's very likely to walk away from you and God.

Go back to Pages 44, 45 and 46 of Power of A Praying Wife - Say this prayer as many times as day as you can. It is a prayer that changed my marriage from one that was at the brink of divorce to one that is alive and thriving today.

There is hope - always hope. And, the fact that he is still living with you and it doesn't appear that papers have been filed...means there is hope.

Do you have any close Christian married friends where there is a man whom your husband admires, that you could confide in? Is there another Christian man who is willing to speak truth to him?

[GrandmaT]

We have several Christian friends. Most of the men that have talked to my husband and he has lied to them about having an affair. I thought that one of our friends who acts like a brother would make him accountable for his actions and he has just basically listened. No one wants to appear to take sides.

I will go back and re-read the pages you suggested - Ihave been praying the prayers out of the book and I have also been parying "A Marriage Pinpoint Prayer" out of the Pray Big for Your Marriage. It had an exerpt off of this site - I haven't had a chance to get the book yet. (I have been doing alot of reading of Christian books.

I know that I can not rush God into making this situation better - it just gets hard some days. I want so much to just hold my husband and let him know how much I love him. I have told him on several occasions - he has almost said it back to me a few times.

I do tell him how much I appreciate what he does - bar-b-queing and helping with chores. Today I e-mailed him some photos of our granddaughter as a reminder of what he would be giving up. (My daughter is very angry with him right now and doesn't want to talk to him.) She is 25 and my husband has been Dad for 22 of those years.

She tried to tell him - "If you divorce my mom - you divorce us too." I think that he has forgotten that.

I will keep praying and believing that we will stay together - pray that he can get past the emotional affair and want to rebuild our marriage. I will try to get him to go to counseling with me - I just recently changed and am still getting familiar with the new Christian Counselor. Thank you all for listening and helping. I will keep you all in my prayers as well.

[GrandmaT]

Last night my husband had a meeting with the OW - in his calendar he had it as the OW and her husband - her husband wasn't at the appointment. I was able to hear what was said and this time it was all business. He doesn't know that I know he met with her but I thought it was funny that he kept thinking that I was driving by. I know that they still talk on the phone but it sounds like things have cooled off. She appears to tell my husband all about the problems she is having and he is telling her all our problems. I thought it was interesting that at the top of her pyramid was God. I don't understand - she has had numerous affairs and still goest to church - I don't get it. Why does it seem that the ones that do the wrong things never get in trouble but those of us that try to do the right things are always in trouble - one way or the other?

I have an appointment tonight with my counselor - should be interesting. I have not been able to confront my husband with this information - not sure why - guess that I'm trying to be the good wife, not be clingy, emotional or threatening. I have been doing a lot of praying and have been waiting for guidance on what to do. I don't want to be divorced but know that I'm the only one at this point who wants to save my marriage. We have been having some nice time together - boating, spending time with friends, watching tv.

I just got through reading "WHY?" by Anne Graham Lotz, great book. I'm just ready for this nightmare to be over and be happy again. Will it ever happen? I believe it will - I have faith that it will, I just have to wait for God's perfect timing.

[km]

"she has had numerous affairs and still goest to church - I don't get it"

Isn't one such as she most in need of going to church? She needs to be there, she just hasn't absorbed enough of the message (or failed to take it to heart).

Do the people at church know, or is she perhaps a minimal participant in churchlife?

If the church knows, then the failing here is (at least in part) why the church is letting this sort of thing slide. A part of a church's role is discipline of its members.

If the church doesn't know, then it may be that she goes, but isn't fully 'plugged in' to the church - a fringe attender, so to speak.

[fishi]

I can't add much to the excellent posts, here, but I wanted to give GrandmaT a hug. I will keep you and your marriage in my prayers.

It sounds like your husband and his affair partner's emotional connection centers around what they claim to be as their "lousy" marriages.

I agree, your husband is a cake eater.

I wonder if your husband had considered how that "connection" will change when he is no longer married. What will be the fun in having this affair when that happens?

GrandmaT, I wonder if focusing on what you need and what you want in your marriage will help you make decisions regarding what you won't tolerate. What are your dealbreakers? ie.) faithfulness, remorse, affection..........etc.

Once you know what your dealbreakers are, share them with your husband. Be willing to move on if he refuses to provide what you need. Establish a time frame. I don't think you need to inform him of what that time frame is, you just need it for your own benchmark.

I don't think you need your husband's permission to inform the affair partner's husband of what is transpiring. It is certainly fair for OW's husband to be aware of what is occuring in his marriage. Take some time to know what you are going to say. Be clear, in your mind, that you are informing in an effort to save your marriage and not to seek revenge. You have no obligation to the affair partner, or to your husband, to keep "THE SECRET".

Stay strong, Grandma!

[Elligirl]

GrandmaT,

I have a Bible verse that has really spoken to me

Isaiah 57
15For thus saith the high and lofty One that inhabiteth eternity, whose name is Holy; I dwell in the high and holy place, with him also that is of a contrite and humble spirit, to revive the spirit of the humble, and to revive the heart of the contrite ones.

16For I will not contend for ever, neither will I be always wroth: for the spirit should fail before me, and the souls which I have made.

17For the iniquity of his covetousness was I wroth, and smote him: I hid me, and was wroth, and he went on frowardly in the way of his heart.

18I have seen his ways, and will heal him: I will lead him also, and restore comforts unto him and to his mourners.

19I create the fruit of the lips; Peace, peace to him that is far off, and to him that is near, saith the LORD; and I will heal him.

I pray this for my husband every day putting his name in the place of "his"
"he" "him"
I also pray the verse "an adulterious woman is as bitter wormwood" only praying that the ow (put her name in) is as bitter wormwood to______(husbands name). I also reverse the names so it says my husband will be as bitter wormwood to her also.

You hang in there I'm praying

[GrandmaT]

Thank you so much for all the sweet words of support. Sorry I haven't been able to respond quicker - lots of changes happening at my office. Isaiah 57 is very powerful - so is the "adultrus woman" being like wormwood. I tried finding it in my little Bible that I have at the office an couldn't remember exactly where in Proverbs it was. I have been reading Proverbs every day - (31 days - 31 chapters). I have also been praying Ephesians 6:10-18 - putting on the full armor of God. I have been paying that satan will leave me and my family and we can have the Holy Spirit alive and living in us again.

As far as the OW being at church - I agree, she needs to be there, she is not a member of the church - neither am I, I just recently started going there for counseling and going to the services there. (My church that I am a member of has closed its doors until this fall.) The OW's daughter (who is pregnant) and son-in-law are members and active in the children's and music programs. My counselor is the music minister also. I did get a chance to talk briefly with the minister last Sunday after service for prayer and did inform him that athe OW has been attending this church and prayed that she would stop going after my husband. I know I can't just blame her - but it feel like she is the one that started this whole mess. I know that my husband and I had some problems - but even according to him and people who have talked to him - they are superficial problems. No reason to get divorced over them. In fact almost all of his complaints are no longer issues - other than the fact that we are not sleeping in the same room.

Wednesday I had a counseling session with my christian counselor and on my drive there (almost an hour) I had a long talk with God - I felt so alone and told him all my feeling and thoughts and felt that I needed to know that he was there with me and things would work out - I got part of my answer - his answer was "I will never leave you or forsake you - you are a child of the most high". WOW - how do I argue with that? I still have my rough times but I know that I need to wait on God to make things right - I am waiting on his precious timing. I know that even if things don't work out with my husband - that God will see me though this and has something better. I pray that it will be reconcilliation with my husband but only God knows at this time. I did find it funny though - my husband called shortly after I got my "message" and asked ifI was ok - I think he could hear it in my voice - I told him I was fine and we chatted for a little while and at the end of the call as we were getting ready to hang up he said bye and I said "I love you, bye". It just came out - I know he had to have heard it but he didn't say anything when I got home. Maybe the walls of anger are slowly coming down - I can only pray that he wants to work things out and be a family again.

[GrandmaT]

I just had an intersting conversation with my husband. He came into my office and asked if I was doing ok? Of course I said yes - (I am today) and I asked him why? He said I have just sounded a little down the last couple of days.

If he didn't still have feelings for me - would he care or even notice? Or am I reading too much into this?

There are times that I can see in his eyes that he still has feelings for me but if I start to relax and hope that things are going to work - then he puts the wall back up and reminds me that he is leaving. (Although, he has not said anything about leaving or divorce this week to me.) My little ray of sunshine.

Please keep praying for the recovery and rediscovery of our marriage.

Thanks for all your help in letting me vent!

[charity1]

GrandmaT,
I am so glad you are gaining confidence and strength from studying and talking to God. That is the only way to survive this and come out stronger. If you are confident and peaceful, your husband will notice. Like Sam has said, pleading with him will only make him want to run from you. I found that setting my husband free actually brought him back to me. I think sometimes, husbands especially, feel trapped in their marriages. Once they are told they aren't, they relax and decide they are right where they want to be. If he ever threatens to leave again, just say something like, "If that's what you feel like you need to do, that's your choice," or "I think that's a good idea. You need some time to decide what it is you really want." The devil will try to take the peace you are finding away, so continue in prayer and study and try your best to push the devil aside (easier said than done). Remember where all negative thoughts come from and that no matter what happens, God will never leave you nor forsake you. You are in my prayers.

[GrandmaT]

Thank you for the prayers and thoughts. This trial and tribulation has brought me closer to God again. I just hope that I can maintain staying strong and possitive. My family has noticed how much stronger this has made me. I try not to let his comments get to me and not to react the way I used to. I think at times he just tries to set me off by saying he is leaving for my reaction - so far he hasn't gotten much. I'm not trying to play games with my husband, I just want him to see that I can be a loving, caring person and not just fall apart or get upset all the time. I have read James Dobson's "Love Must Be Tough" and have my letter on my computer as to what I want to say - I just haven't had the nerve to give him the letter. I think I will know when to give it to him. I just keep praying that it doesn't come to that. I have been giving him some freedom as far as not calling him at his office at night to make sure he is there - the times I have checked - he has always been there. (He is studying for a test for the business he is in. I know it's ligit.)

Pray that we can enjoy this weekend - we will be traveling in the car for 4 hours together on Saturday and then a BBQ on Sunday with friends.

[Elligirl]

GrandmaT,
Of course your husband loves you, he just may not always know it. I tell my husband all the time I love him. Sometimes he says it back but most of the time it is "I know it".
God does a work in everyone involved in these things, He is even working on the ow.
I'm praying