Growthtrac Community

[km]

I would also note that consulting a local attroney was the first bit of advice (and only bit of specific advice) I offered. Laws and procedures vary from state to state - often not by much, but sometimes by enough to make advice given here always subject to some doubt.

[confused77]

Prayers are working,
Husband and I are starting to come to speaking terms. My ugly negative outlook and behavior is toning down. Thanks to all who were Jesus to me.
It is eventually going to come to the point where we will have to talk about this sensitive issue again, because it has to be resolved. I ask for prayers for my husband and I both, that God will make it happen that we can discuss this issue in a mature adult fashion and wisely, without up roar or anger coming in the conversation. I pray for honesty, and sincerety for both of us. Pray for this marriage, and protection from the enemy, he has worked overtime in trying to destroy this marriage, and me. It is time for it all to come to an end, and that Jesus recieves all the glory. Pray, pray, pray.
Thank YOu

[SAM]

Count on our continued prayers. That's the easy part.

Your navigation of this situation is going to be the more difficult journey.

God,

I pray for protection over this couple and ask that you calm hurt feelings and anger. I ask that you are able to help them speak clearly about their concerns and that you can reconcile them so their is agreement in all things. Draw them close to you and provide the peace and clarity they both so desperately need from you.

In Christ's name -

Amen

[confused77]

yes, Sam I know. But God please be with us and nip this stuff in the butt. The enemy is just having too much fun.Please continue your prayers.

[confused77]

update.

we live out in the country, H is now wanting to move back to city.
Commute is getting too much for him, gas is costing too much.
I feel for him on the commute, its all freeway and pretty scarry. I think daily about this. It is wearing on him I can see it in body language. So there now is another issue (guilt) I feel he has placed on me to deal with.

I was very resistant to this becauseof the status of our marriage right now. I would be going back to an area that is filled with bad memories for me. I would be leaving my church, my grandchildren, etc. I love it out here. We would be moving back to where his family lives, they have no kids, they are single and lifestyle is drinking, girls, and drugs, etc. They are very worldly. Husband has try to convert them but has not be successful. I feel for his commute this I agree is too much for him (he has no life, and is always tired). But yet many ppl bought homes out here (cheap) and are doing it.

The bible says to honor my husband, and Im told I must go where ever my husband wants to go. In my situation and the status of my marriage at this moment. Am I to follow this through???? If my marriage was in better condition I might consider it, do what you got to do for my husbands sake.

Because of the issues we have in our marriage for the past months, and now the lack of communication, no respect, trust issues, etc (Its a mess). Under these conditions Im very much afraid to make this move and being away from my grandchildren, and the family functions (which my husband does not take part in, they are not his kids).

Im so torn by all this stuff Im having to make decisions on. Im literally going crazy, I feel much responsible for alot of things I did not deal with in the right way (only because I wasn't sure of myself and did not have any re

I talked with my H told him I was confused on what his issue was.
The hse, the commute, etc. Right now I feel its just everything.
He really doesn't have anywhere to go except brothers apt and would be sleeping on the floor. (I don't want that). I would just like some clear communication (without guilt, without verbal abuse, without condemnation). Im only one person I can't handle all this. I expressed this to my husband. He came to me and said " Im really sorry that Im treating you so mean, Im just tired. During the weekend, it was quite, mind playing games (little things to push my buttons). I became irritated and frustrated and just shut down again. I can't express myself anymore, I don't know what to do or say any more its just one demand after another coming from him.
I did tell him that this is all about *** not the hse. So I asked him to name his price as to how much he wants and I will try to figure out how to do that, (Im thinking: to start with selling the hse (although I feel we would be losing a great ** benefit for the future, if we got our marriage worked out, we would look back and regret it). I just want to go and hide, I can't seem to sort any of this out. (Im waiting to get in to see a counselor) it is going to take time to sort all this out. But everything is having to be done right now, the demands are now. Everything is so distorted. If I take care of title on hse, there is still the issue of the commute, and the marriage issues. So what is happening here? What is the wiser thing to do? I am praying and trying to deal with my pain, and trying very hard to fight bitterness. I figure God must be pretty mad at me
and his discipline is hard.

[SAM]

Until you can sort out the marriage issues and come to agreement on what it's going to take to get your relationship healthy, then the other decisions should be put on hold. This needs to be done sooner than later with a counselor.

If he can stay with a family member during the week and come home on weekends, that may be a good way to assess the situation for awhile.

If your husband refuses counseling, then you have your decision made for you. He is making a very deliberate and willful choice to abandon your marriage.

If you cannot afford the house on your own (you've mentioned this before) then it's time to sell. Give him what you feel is fair, and work through a controlled (arranged with counselor) separation period.

As you have said before, once he has the money he wants, it's more than likely he will choose to leave your marriage. Time will tell you if your discernment is on target.

[confused77]

I agree with that. But he is stating that I get him on the hse now, and then a will and then he'll go for couseling, or he is moving out and I can move my son in. He doesn't feel there is anything wrong with the marriage, its the hse that is causing all the problems.
He said put his name on the hse and get a will done and then he'll go to couseling. He asked me what me think that counseling will do anything?
I was stuck............... I asked him does he see any areas in the marriage that are not right. He said yeah, my "f.. .." lousy wife, Im not a wife I am a landlord and I have been trying to screw him out of the hse all this time.
I told him I had no resources and didn't know how to go about this, he said right. I asked him if he felt that he had been a good spiriual husband during this confusion. I didn't want to go there with the conversation. So I brought it back to him. I told him you are once again avoiding talking about that there are problems in our marriage that you have contributed to and you do not want to take any responsibility for the actions you have brought into this mess to confuse it more. He became very angry, and started throwing abusive words out there again. Im a lousy wife..............
I told him that he did not need to talk to me like that, I didn't need any more of his verbal abuse. He said that is your problem not mine.
Then he complained about my cooking, and started in on that one.
Im just no good, and can't please him and right now. I don't care. Gosh this is sooooooooooooo hard to deal with and to be like Jesus to him when he is like this. It knocks me down so far, I barely eat myself.
Do you think I should call the counselor back? They told me she would call me.
I have a copayment to pay, if husband cuts of ins. I will no longer be able to go for the counseling. Lets just hope he will continue to let me half it.

[km]

That sort of response would scream to me that he should not be given any ownership interest in your property.

At the very most, you might consider a land trust, with something the idea that he would get a beneficial interest in the land trust upon (after) bona fide efforts on his part to fix the relationship.

[confused77]

yes, this has been screaming at me a very long time.
Still can't believe this. The longer it goes the worse comes out that I don't like. Can't my H see that he is throwing up red flags like crazy.
No, he can't see. He doesn't think he is doing anything wrong, by asking to have his name on title. But what he won't acknowledge is the way he is going about it, this is not good. Im just afraid once I do this, his motive is divorce and then he will recieve 1/2. Im tired of going around and around about this.
I did speak with an Attorney. He said he doesn't do consultations, you go in tell him what your needing and if he decides we need a trust then he tell me how much, if its decided I don't need one than he will charge his customary fee.
Im still waiting for couselor to call me back. From what I understand she only works part time. I was referred to her because she works after hours. If I went with counselor that has reg hrs it would be 2-3 weeks before I could get in.
Pray for strength

[confused77]

I woke up this morning feeling kinda of peaceful and restful. i almost felt like I used to in the mornings. It must be all the prayers and God giving me strength like the wings of an eaglel.
I was doing my morning devotion I use a couple of devotions one is from the book "God Chicks 90 day devotional, today it was Heb 13:5 God will not ever leave us with out support, he is with us always, he never leaves us alone. This was so comforting to me, I thanked him so much for his love and grace and I know he is going to get me through all this.

The second devotion I use is the daily bread.

So I want to thank all of you who are praying for me, i can feel the
prayers.

I have 3:30 appt with counselor Thursday. Please pray that have christian background. Im having to use insurance to do this. Please pray that she is wise in her job and discernment.
Thank You for this forum and all of you and thank you Jesus

[Joblom1]

Good Morning, Guess we all feel that way at times. Beth Moore's Breaking Free devtional is great. Trust means to bind together- to be gathered together, to be joined." His word tells us to be so close to Him and His presence that we are practically twisted to Him. I like that that, thast I can actually feel His prescence! Thank you my Father Jo

[confused77]

Well, husband has moved out temporarily.

Husband left today. Somewhere in the middle of his tongue lashing (verbal abuse) I believe I heard him say he would give me a month to make a decision.

Fri nite: Husband took me out to a nice dinner and was being quite but nice. I asked what the occassion was he just said felt like going out for dinner thats all. (I said well you have been so mean lately, it just makes me wonder why suddenly nice. He said no reason. Then after dinnner we met daughter in law and grandkids at gym and went swimming ( it has been in the 100's here). We had a good time playing with grandkids in pool, went home my oldest grandson asked if he could come home with us we said sure like always. H wanted to get intimate. I was leary about this change, I wanted conversation but did not get any. I had no desire (fear) of feeling like whats up with all this.

Sat Morn:
We are having our coffee and I could feel something in the air. I just knew something was on his mind, then he said what are you doing about the hse, I could hear the tone in his voice (not so good). I said, "Oh no (sigh) don't ruin the morning now is not a good time (grandson is here), but he insisted. I tried to remember advice and suggestions that have been given to me and how to handle conversation and I started to apply. He became heated up and bam the fight was on again. I asked " him if he would pls calm down and this is why we can never get past this point, because you get all heated and angery and start throwing abusive words and trying to tear me down, you bring up stuff that has nothing to do with the hse, you just want to hurt me I got up and walked out side. He started throwing stuff in suit case but continued to spout out ugly hurtful words and became more angry I could not reason with him at all. He said Im leaving.He made it clear that this is all my fault, I was keeping myself under control and trying to reason with him and get him to calm down so we could talk. He did not want to hear anything I had to say, he would stop then when I would start to talk, he continously cut me off and all he could do was repeatly tell me this was my fault and all the faults that I have just over and over. I realized this was going no where again and I told him it looks like he has made up his mind, and probably had this all figured out. I mentioned his timing was not very good and the effect this will have on grandson. It didn't matter what I said, he voiced himself very good and was not accepting any responsibilty for any thing. I told him I will not talk about this in a screaming match. He needs to calm down and and not work so hard to emotionally tear me down, he needs to stop throwing up my faults and start takeing responsiblity for his faults and actions he has contributed to this stop bringing in things that have nothing to do with the hse thing, he is so full of hurt, and bitterness.
I could not reason with him, he was just so upset and just kept yelling what an ugly person i was.......................

So now he is gone. I feel very sad it has come to this.
what is one supposed to do, I have a hard road ahead of me. I am stunned and emotionally dead some what. Now I must begin to sort it all out and decide what is the rightful way to go about dealing with this.
I feel Im in self destruct mode. I did this over trying to be faithful to obligations to family. Wow, I am really mixed up. I know that I in no way am innocent in any of this. I have been told so many negative things that like I said before I don't myself. Im very scared of the outcome of my future and not sure of the steps I need to take to get emotionally healthy.
I need to go back and read replys to my posts and began the jorney of recovery.
I think in all the yelling he was doin, he gave me another ultimatium, he said I have one month to decide or he is getting divorce, he mentioned something about I keep hse and everything in it just don't come after him for any of his stuff, (I guess he means alimony).

I need prayers for strength and clarity.

[montanna]

To confused 77,

I read your post. I am very sorry that you had a rough weekend! I know in my own hard times recently, God will come through.. No matter what the outcome... He is and will always be with us!

I am praying for your strength and courage to fight this battle. I pray that you find peace and your husband really can see what he is doing to his family. Maybe time away is good for both, you can have time to heal and he maybe God will open his eyes and heart.

Did you say your were seeing a therapist? I live in Southern California, if your near my area maybe I can recomend some people to you.

Have a blessed day...

bg

[confused77]

Montana,
Thank you for your prayers they are greatly needed. i am so grateful for this forum and the ppl I speak with. I have gotten alot of information and suggestions that I can use to deal with this. Thank you all so much for your support.
I have posted to help anyone out lately, I feel that I wouldn't dare in the state of mind I have been in, I don't want to push my negative thoughts on to some one else. I want to be able to give them sound mind positive feedback and I just don't feel like I can do that at this time. I will, because I see there are alot of hurting ppl out there.

Yes, I saw a counselor last week. She informed me that my plan does not cover marriage counseling but she let me vent. Her diagnose was: I was a little depress and that she didn't know what she could do for me. She did advise me not to make any decisions and tell I fell mentally and emotionally better, and that when H starts verbal abuse to leave. I practically begged her to see me again and help me to get mentally healthy again (Im starting to thing maybe I wasn't as healthy as I thought, she set me up for appt next month.

H called today several times, I would not answer phone, I just didn't want to deal with him and the attitude and if it had something positive to say I probably at this time won't believe him, I'll feel like its just another setup.

Thank you again