Growthtrac Community

[confused77]

Pertaining to previous posts
Now we are in the no talking stage.
This is so weird, Iam really loosing perspective on this whole thing.

I depend on husband to put enough ** in hse account to pay bills and groceries, and gas.
H only put enough in barely made the bills for this pay period, no ** for groceries. no gas for my car, and no ** for tithes.
Grandkids were over, had to really scrape cupboards and fridge to come up with something. Thank goodness I got plenty of peanut butter and jelley...........
He does not communicate with grand kids, goes in bedroom and watches TV
Thank You Jesus, that he did mow the lawns, which I usually have to do. So Im grateful there and I told him so.
But yet he gets us a membership at the local gym.

It will take time to get his name on hse. Have to follow through on my resources and see which is the best way to protect my part of inheritence.

These actions on his part are because of this.
I at the moment have no income coming in, Im totally dependent on him right now.

What do I do? As I said Im loosing perspective on this.
He is mad at me and I believe hates me, but then why go get a membership at the gym?????????? Togetherness. But yet he doesn't want to talk and work out all the hurt that has been slinging around our house for months.
Am I supposed to just melt and forget about what he has done and said?
Do I just let everything go, and fall madly back in love with him until the next time he has an anger issue and doesn't know how to deal with it, he can dump it all on me and say its my fault.
What does one do? No communication. Mine, I feel bad and can say sorry for what I have made a mess of, but he was part of it too, why can't he fess up to his wrong doings? It would make me look up to him again, and work on gaining that respect for him as my husband.
Right now we have not cleaned the slate, so I am very disconnected from him and cannot get intimate. I feel used as always.............

[SAM]

Interesting that our message at church today was on forgiveness.

We have been forgiven by our Heavenly Father, over and over and over again. Yet, when it comes to forgiving others, we have such a hard time doing so.

Remember, when someone has done us wrong - it's not about giving them back what they have given us. It's about loving them in spite of their faults. God loves us in spite of ours.

You know why he's doing what he's doing it - it's to get even with you.
Don't stoop to his level.

As for making dinner or snacks, I have more food in my home than most people in this world have. You can get pretty creative with eggs and bread.

[confused77]

How interesting Sam, our message today was on forgiveness as well.
Yes, I did recieve it, and yes I recieve the confirmation from as well as with my spirit. I just had to put it out there.

But yes, as we have talked before, we know why he is doing this.

Thank you again for the blessing of God using you (such a mighty warrior for his kingdom) to help someone like me (this thing Im going thru and having to learn) thank you so much for being there for me.

[SAM]

How's the job hunting going?

[confused77]

Work is very slow because of economy. My daughter in law is on a work program at the moment where they will pay for her daycare.
So just to have **** something coming in. She has listed me as her childcare provider and Im babysitting so she can go back to work.
She supplies the food for the boys, as I do not have much here.

You mentioned eggs and bread can fix alot. That is interesting to me.
I am not too creative with cooking. I have some great dishes and we do get by. Im just not a chef. My cooking is pretty basic.

For some reason this morning. The coffee pot didn't go on this morning for my husbands coffee. (or maybe he turned it off), but usually he will he make sure to turn it on so I can have coffee. Well, he didnt bother this morning.
Yesterday, morning I left him a note thanking him for all he has done:
The membership to the gym
again I thanked him for mowing the lawn
and other little things he did the last few days.
I put it right by the coffee pot so he wouldn't miss it
When I got up the note was still in the same place, almost like it had not been touched.
Last nite I made him dinner. We sat at the table and said nothing.
He said thanks for dinner, and got up and went to his computer where he downloads apologetic messages to listen to on the way to work.
He is constantly learning about the trinity, Jesus is God, laws that guard your heart, etc. No wonder he has so much head knowledge.
He has been teaching himself this same stuff for the last 16yrs.
I think its great that he is learning. I know hes a man. But wouldn't he be concerned on learning how to work on the problem we are having?
He did listen to marriage tapes (Jimmy Evans) way back when, he tried it out (everythng was going good) then he stopped. Shortly after that is when our marriage started breaking down.

[SAM]

Respect is everything to men - it is to my husband. I have to ask myself each day, "Am I showing him that I adore him and he's the most handsome guy around?"

Do your actions and words show respect to your husband? Is he adored by you?

[confused77]

No, at this moment they don't.
Sam, I just don't know what to say to him, Im so full of hurt and pain, and I don't trust him with my emotions anymore. He doesn't lay all his cards out on the table. But I do, and then he uses that against me later. So I have become accustomed to hold my feelings in to guard myself from hurt and pain. I have to get him name on title. Then maybe he will let it go. But then what are we to get all happy and luvvy and act like no wrong was done? That is how husband works, everything gets pushed under the carpet and never dealt with. This is such an unhealhty marriage.
It is out of control. Don't have the faintest clue how to even go back to square one. There are just so many things that have not been right for along time. Trust and believing in him is sooooooooooooo very hard for me. He has violated my emotions, and played with them too long. I yearn but then Im numb and can't trust or believe what he says anymore.
I know this sounds terrible, Im not proud of what I say and how I say it. Please try to read between my not so kind language.
I am so confused. I don't know where to begin to fix this.
I have to talk with a real estate attorney, maybe a consultation charge.
I need to decide how to work it out fairly. You have given me some ideas. But **** would have to work out to his portion.
Gosh, Im not good at this at all. I don't know what would be considered fair without selling out my kids part. Do you understand what I mean.
I just flat out don't know. I don't want to have regrets and realize I could have done better. I want to do whats right for all of us.
Im thinking on lines of maybe just ending up having to sell home (of course when the market gets better), right now I wouldn't even get what I paid for the home.

[SAM]

I think we spoke before about there being deeper issues in your marriage. The house is only a small but constant irritant. Even once the house issues are all done and settled, you still have the other dysfunction in your relationship to deal with.

But then what are we to get all happy and luvvy and act like no wrong was done? That is how husband works, everything gets pushed under the carpet and never dealt with. This is such an unhealhty marriage.

Please seek counseling for yourself, even if your husband will not go with you. From this you can gain the necessary tools to effectively communicate with your husband and set boundaries.

[confused77]

yes, I believe you are correct in your suggestion from day one.
But there is no way right now that I can see how I can do that, because it takes ***. So I'll just have to deal with this unhappy situation the best way I can.

This forum is such a blessing to me right now. its the only thing that keeps foucusing me to God, and prayer.

Thank you so much for responding as you do.

[SAM]

If you check with non-profit organizations in your area, or contact county services, many times there is available help for women free of charge.
It takes some legwork on the phone. And, churches in your area may have someone who offers their services for free or for a small charge.

Sitting in this situation and continuing to be miserable is going to bring you down physically, emotionally and spiritually. In many ways it already has. What about finding a job in the evenings after you're done babysitting?

Because of your level of discontent with your marriage, is this perhaps the reason why you've been unable to move forward with putting your husband on the house - really knowing this marriage is not going to work for the long term?

[confused77]

I am checking out on Christian counseling. I found a place this AM and Im going to call, they mentioned private and insurance *.

I will keep you updated.

Thank you again for being Jesus to me (with skin on).

[SAM]

I will pray that it works out for you.

[confused77]

No not really, because he still has to get his share either or. I just don't know what to think at this point. Yes, Im very discontent.
The reason comes down to how much, we agreed last year, he just wants 1/2 the equity of the home. No problem with ** used to purchase home that is the inheritence and will be passed on, but the equity is ours between the two of us to split. That is the way he looks at it. I don;'t have a problem with that.
The problem is: How to put his name on title and know that division will work out as we have agreed.....................That is the problem. He just wants him name on the hse and doesn't know the technicalities involved in getting it on their and meet these terms.

He would rather throw a fit, and get angry instead of looking at this in a logical mature way and going forward together to make this work and see how we can set this up the way we have agreed too.

Thats the problem




Because of your level of discontent with your marriage, is this perhaps the reason why you've been unable to move forward with putting your husband on the house - really knowing this marriage is not going to work for the long term?[/quote]

[km]

Given that his claim isto only want to ensure that the equity is ultimately split as you wish, perhaps it is best to put the house into a land trust - the trust agreement can spell out the respective ownership between you.

One doesn't just add a person's name to a real estate title. The current owner(s) or record would have to deed it to the new ownership lineup. One generally doesn't do sophisticated title divying on the deed (or title). Give some thought to whether a land trust would accomplish what everyone is after.

[SAM]

That's why it's important to seek counsel from an attorney!