Growthtrac Community

[rdsmith3]

I am just totally at a loss about our marriage. I have been praying for years; we have been to counseling, individually and together, but we seem to be stuck. I have elsewhere in this forum talked about my sins and my contribution to the problems, so I am not in any way saying that it is all my wife's fault. But right now, in my opinion, she is the one who is stuck in a certain way of thinking. She harbors a great deal of anger and resentment against me and certain other people, and men in general. She struggles with forgiving me and some other people. She also struggles with truly believing that God loves her and forgives her.

As I mentioned, I have done my part in harming the marriage, but I have also made a lot of changes over the past few years. For example, my oldest son, her step-son, was causing some serious issues in our marriage. I put him in a residential facility for a year, and then I told him when he got out that he was not welcome at our house and we would call the police if he came by. It is extremely difficult to have to say those things to my own son, but I did it because I realized I had to be aligned with my wife and also protect my family.

Despite the changes I have made, my wife is often very angry at me. I feel as if everything I do or say is perceived as an attack by my wife. She does not trust anything I do.

I can only control my own actions. I can only pray for her.

She is angry at me again for something. I said to her in an e-mail this morning (this is an excerpt)

[wife's name], I pray for you often because I love you and care about you. I can see that you are hurt and struggling. I pray that God will heal you and help you release the hurts from the past. I pray that you will truly believe in your heart that God loves you and forgives you. I pray that you will find your joy and peace in the hope of this salvation. I pray that you will be protected from Satan, and that you will not believe his lies about you and not allow him to make you anxious, afraid and angry.

I love you. I pray for you. I am committed to the marriage and to you, to being a better Christian man, husband and father.

Her response was

If you choose to sit there and tell me what I should be doing biblically that is a total hindrance to us coming together. I DO NOT NEED YOU TO TELL ME WHAT I NEED TO OR SHOULD BE DOING IN REGARD TO GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Each and every time you get your God hammer out it does not make me trust you or see you in a kind light. I know what you think on this matter. I have also been seeing [counselor's name] for a year. I am warning you again to stop this. Stop giving me a list of what I am doing wrong even if you form it in “a prayer form” I find you an insult to who I am and that is not leaving a feeling of “let me leave my heart out to you.” You are not creating a platform that I perceive as safe enough to get on with you. It is a result of your own betrayal of me that I am not on it to begin with. The things you have been saying, your truths as you believe, are keeping me from even entertaining joining you. So again go ahead. Despite years of me now saying this you continue and that mere fact keeps me at a severe distance from you. I absolutely do not see you as a safe and trustworthy person.

I am wary of saying anything to her, because she perceives just about everything I do or say as an attack, but then that means we have no communication. The reason we were exchanging e-mails is because she hangs up the phone on me on a regular basis. If we don't have communication, she does not trust me, she sees me as a perpetrator (she uses that word frequently), then how can we make progress?

[SAM]

Her response to you shows deeply ingrained pain. Deep, deep pain. It also reflects anger and possible hatred toward God.

As much as you try, that is not a place you can heal in her. If she is still going to counseling, that is wonderful.

Are you in couples counseling?

RD, it seems your strength is waning. You are human and it's understandable. I have no easy answers for you other than I will continue to pray for your marriage and God's strength and wisdom to endure.

[rdsmith3]

SAM

Thanks for the prayers. We really need them. We are not currently in couples counseling. She does not want to do it right now.

I am mainly weary and very frustrated. I want to do something to help our marriage but am frustrated with what to do. She thinks all of her problems are with me, not God, and she thinks I am the main cause of the sad state of the marriage. She wrote to me yesterday, "Now seeing how all your family is odd and dysfunctional proves you are a huge percentage of the problem here." I think her relationship with God is the starting point, but of course I cannot change that. So we are at an impasse.

I suppose it is part of my nature to want to "fix" things, including me and my marriage. I have put a lot of work into changing me (but I have a long way to go). I want to do more. She does not want to pray with me. She does not want to go to counseling with me. She barely wants to even talk to me, except about the kids.

I have faith that God will heal our marriage, but I guess I am impatient.

[SAM]

Perfectly understandable to be impatient.

What if you were to say daily, or every moment you need to -

God help me trust you with this situation, I need to lay this in your hands. I want to stop playing tug-o-war with you. I give myself, my marriage and my wife to you.

If God were to say to you, "your wife will never change". What would you do?

Have you read Power of A Praying Husband? If so, can you pick it up again for a 2nd read through?

[rdsmith3]

Actually, I just finished the power of a praying husband. It was helpful. But when I tell her I am praying for her, and even mention specifics, that is when she hears, "He is saying there is something wrong with me." So I guess I will pray silently for her.

If she never changes? Well, then I just have to continue to rely on God for strength and endurance. Honestly, I worry about her if she never changes. I cannot imagine how someone can carry around so much fear and anger on a daily basis. Besides affecting our marriage, it affects her relationship with her children and step-children, her sisters, and her health.

[SAM]

Unfortunately, people carry around bitterness and anger for their lifetimes and it destroys them and the people they love.

I pray that her counselor is able to help her move beyond this and walk her toward healing. But, if a person is not willing to make changes within themselves, there is not much a counselor can do.

I would keep your prayers to yourself. Otherwise, it may sound like you are asking God to change her... and that could be why she gets mad at you.

Keep working on yourself and keep loving her RD. It sounds like she does not know how to love herself right now.

[FaithHopeJoy]

rdsmith3

I am lifting you and your wife in prayer. It sounds as though you are experiencing a really difficult and exhausting time, dragged down by your spouse's indifference towards you and her intense anguish about her own situation.

Is it worth re-reading that lovely anniversary card your wife gave you earlier this month when you celebrated 5 years of marriage?

I was really touched, to the point of getting all misty-eyed, by the really nice card she gave me. It basically said that even though we have"words" with each other, she really does care. She also bought me some nice shirts that I needed.

I have recommended this author before, as has SAM, but you might find Lesley Vernick's books helpful at this time. Her writing has certainly helped me to see things in perspective and to remain hopeful. The Emotionally Destructive Relationship and Acting Right When Your Spouse Acts Wrong are biblically referenced and packed with wise counsel.

I am an instinctive 'fixer' and problem solver - I think you have said the same about yourself in earlier posts? Look up Psalm 46:10 as a powerful reminder that God does not need us or rely on us to sort out the mess around us!

FHJ

[rdsmith3]

FHJ,

Thanks very much for the prayers and the reminder. I really appreciate it.

It is so amazing that you bring up Psalm 46:10. I am using a variation of it right now as my computer * at work (we are forced to change our * every month or so.) I just read it again yesterday to remind myself to "be still."

[rdsmith3]

One of the preachers I really like on the radio is James MacDonald, whose program is called Walk in the Word. (I hear it on XM radio family talk channel 170 if you're interested.)

Anyway, he sent an e-mail today that had the following. I was tempted to send it to my wife, because it is so right for her, but I decided it would just cause more issues.

So here it is. Maybe it will help someone else who won't take it so personally.

In other news, we had more words yesterday (Sunday). There were several times when she brought up her anger at my oldest son (her step son) who has not lived in our house since September 2006. She made one or two references to him during the day that I just let go. Then later we were talking about her daughter (my step-daughter) and how hard it is with a step family. She mentioned my son again. I asked her why she brought him up when we were talking about a different person and a different situation. She got really angry because she heard that as me saying she was crazy and obsessed. Finally, she reminded me, "This is why I hate being married to you." sigh. Fortunately my reading today took me to Isaiah 40:31.

Unforgiveness

Give us this day our daily bread, and forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors . . . For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses. Matthew 6:14-16

We're on one topic today and we're not getting off it till I'm sure you get it.

Nothing will cut a swath of devastation across your soul like unforgiveness. It is the absolute opposite of the life God calls you to live.

I know someone has hurt you and I'm sincerely sorry for that but you don't have to prove you were right.

You don't have to demonstrate the superiority of anything.

You've got to let it go.

Matthew 6:14-15 says, "If you don't forgive, my Father won't forgive you."

Living in unforgiveness is a barren, tortured existence. Even those of us who have experienced God's love and forgiveness need to be reminded about what we have received. It's so easy to slide into a self-centered mess of unforgiveness.

Contrary to what some might think, unforgiveness isn't private. People will seethe in silence, insisting, This is just between me and him. But that's not true. It's also destructive to innocent people around you. How many people in your life have suffered because of an unforgiveness issue in your heart that has absolutely nothing to do with them? It seeps into the tone of all your conversations. It leaks out in your impertinence and impatience, your short temper and rashness. People who you love, who have done nothing wrong, suffer because of the unforgiveness that you're holding over someone else.

Unforgiveness is sin. It will eat away at your being until you choose the crisis and commit to the process of forgiveness. But that can all change.

This could be an awesome day--you have the choice to change. You have the chance to choose. I wonder if heaven is leaning over you and wondering what choice you are going to make. Your destiny depends on it.

To clarify, you are not saved by forgiving, but forgiving is what saved people do. This is one of the litmus tests for reality. Making the choice to forgive is one of the things that prove you truly belong to God.

Father, it must grieve Your heart even more than ours to live in such a dark world where people say things and do things that wound so deeply. But by Your grace I can forgive. I can simply release the pain to You and let it go. I choose by an act of my will to trust You and Your Word. I'm not going to hold it over the person who hurt me anymore when I have to see him or talk to him. I'm not going to go over it in my mind anymore. I want to handle it as You would. I want to be a forgiving person.

Forgive me for my pride, my anger, and the pointed comments that reveal the woundedness in my heart. Cover me with Your love. Let Your grace displace all that is ugly and angry and unforgiving in me. By Your grace, I choose to forgive.

In His name. Amen.

[rdsmith3]

We continue to struggle in this marriage, and I would appreciate your prayers.

If you want a history of what has happened in the past, you can find it here
http://www.growthtrac.com/boards/marriage-testimony-t1542.html#9315

My oldest son, my wife's step-son, has been a major source of conflict in our marriage. He has not been in our home for almost two years. I put him out of the house because I had to be aligned with my wife; because the other children needed to be safe; and because he needed help.

We have had a strained relationship ever since. I hardly see him or talk to him.

On Friday, he leaves for college. He got accepted into a good university and he is also doing AF-ROTC. I think it is too much for him, and it is not the choice I recommended, but I wish him well. I also pray all the time that he will get his relationship right with God, repent, and be honest and accountable.

Today, I met my son briefly for a cup of coffee. I have not seen him in months. I gave him some fatherly advice but we did not really have an in-depth conversation. Mainly, I wanted to see him before he left. You just never know when God is going to take someone. The meeting was partially my wife's idea. Actually, I had been thinking of it before she mentioned it, but it is good that we were in synch. We both thought it was the right thing to do.

However, as has so often happened with anything to do with my son, she is now extremely angry at me. She resents that I met with him. In her mind, he is a perpetrator, she is a victim, and his apparent success is revolting to her. He is not accountable for what he did. I believe we have kept him accountable as best we can, and there were consequences for his behaviors. He does not have a relationship with anyone in his family, and he is not getting any financial support from us for college. Beyond that, it is up to God to humble him.

She said some very unkind things to me today, including saying that I have never, ever in five years of marriage protected her or the kids. She said that I am dead to her. She said she hates me. She later called and left a message apologizing for saying she hated me. Instead, in her message, she said that she feels like she is in prison in her marriage, that she is the one who is dead, she does not love me at all, and there is no hope for our marriage.

A lot more was said, and I know that some of what I said was out of pride and I did not communicate well. I did try to keep reassuring her that I love her, but she does not hear it.

Thanks for listening. THanks for praying.

[Donaldduck]

I pray for you, I went thru a 16 year marriage that ended in devorce. She admitted to being with another man, didnt love me any more and didnt want to be married to mea ny more. I can tell you to just the last year it hurt so bad I wanted to just die, all the kids where raised, God gave me alot of grand kids, and a pretty good life. Had the white fence, the great job, full of prayer and worked hard. Only to have more and more push me away, heck she didnt know I was crying right next to her for many many years. Going to our pastor, members helping, elders etc. nothing changed. Just got much worse. And to boot lost every thing. Bud, if you really love your wife as I did mine, keep praying, but you know some times the person just wont listen to any one. Hope you make it brother, God bless and dig in, as a combat vetran, keep the powder dry and prayed up, and be willing to fight to cant fight no more. Meaning let go and let God. But you know some times no matter what it falls apart. then your faced with moving on, I miss my x, but when I look back nothing could of stopped it. God can do all, and seen many marriages saved. But also seen many that dont make it. Pray, listen, and do your best. Love you, my blessings@ God bless

[rdsmith3]

Thanks for your prayers. We still need them.