Growthtrac Community

[ladyt]

My H hasn't talked to me since March 6th.
He's angry that I busted up the friendship with a female co-worker
Blames everthing on me
Doesn't want to talk about our issues
Doesn't want to go to counselling
He doesn't want to do much w/ our daughter and blames me
He doesn't want to talk about divorce proceedings
I don't have the money for a lawyer, he does
Upset that he has a 6 months restraining order that ends Jan 9, 2009
If we agree now it will only cost me between $410 to $700 to get the divorce, otherwise it would be in the thousands

Why would he not want to agree about assets and child custody when the cost could be minimal? Could he be sincere or is this part of his need to control?

[SAM]

From what you have described in previous posts, the behavior you have listed here is nothing new. It appears his desires have to do with his own self-interest and whatever he can do to control you.

What have things been like with him gone from your home?
Are you and your daughter at peace?

If you have prayed about your decisions and have peace about moving foward, and the anxiety is leaving you, then perhaps it's time to take steps to no longer be a doormat to his whims, destructive desires, as well as the emotional and physical abuse.

Depending on the state you live in, you may be able to file for legal separation first. This may provide you with the support you need for yourself and your daughter. If possible, in your state, it's important to have the support withheld through his employer. Then patiently wait through whatever waiting period your state requires.

During this time apart, it's possible for your husband to have a change of heart and for God to work in him. He's really lost everything now, and he cannot come home. But from what you are saying here, he's taking no ownership of his behavior toward you and continues to blame you for everything. That's a very clear glimpse into a very hardened heart that has no desire to change.

My guess is, he doesn't like it one bit that you are in control.

[ladyt]

My daughter and I are much better and at peace since his departure. The court order states we can talk about our daughter, however when I try to talk to him he cuts me off and hangs up. Our dau is still in counseling but doesn't want to be b/c of his opinion about counselling. I know it will take time for her to get through all that she is dealing with (sexual abuse by clergy), (mom and dad's separation/divorce)

The 6 month injunction which keeps him from coming home is the "legal separation" as my state has no such thing. Its divorce or marriage. I am filing on my own since the cost is less than $700 and to get an attorney is $3 to $8 thousand and I have no idea when he will feel like depositing money in the bank and when he won't. He did not deposit any mid-month July but when I called and asked he said he will deposit some on today. I can't worry each payday if he will deposit or not.

I have asked him to speak to me on settling asset division and child custody issues for free and he said to file and if he doesn't like it he will get a lawyer. Well if he get a lawyer then I'll have to get one. Since he has hid monies all these years he can afford a lawyer, I cannot w/o going into credit card debt. Why get a lawyer when we can agree for free????

He really showed me how low he'd go in trying to destroy me emotionally when he came to the house w/ an officer to move things out of the house only 3 hrs after me getting out of the hospital from major surgery.

He's not in control and he doesn't like it. His family has called and expressed they did not like the fact that I put him out. Well the judge put him out. When he left on his own for 5 weeks, no one called and opposed that!

I will continue to pray for him, however he has not shown one ounce of repentance. I'm not mad at him, just want to move on.

[SAM]

I will pray that things continue to go smoothly for you.

Do you anticipate that he will fight you on the issues of support?

[ladyt]

He should not. There is a form that the State uses in calculating child support. I had to use that same form. Also, it is already outlined by the Government as to how much of his military retirement pay I am entitled to. That is all I am asking for along with the house.

[resecured]

((((((ladyt))))))

Sounds like you are doing what you need to do. Isn't it sad that he is mad because he no longer can control you. Sounds like too, that things are pretty much cut and dried as far as filing in your state. Just be careful not to give in to his demands just to hurry the process along. I know you are so tired having to deal with him. It's just beginning and he might try to garner some control somewhere. Just be safe. This is for your daughter as well as yourself. He might try to buck the system and want to devise a plan on the side with you. That's what happened to a friend of mine. Now she wishes she had not done that because he was so high handed and calculating behind her back. Got her to agree on some things that the court could have protected her on. Once agreements to furnishings, money and etc. are signed by both parties, there's nothing the courts can do. Just be careful. I don't know that he would do that, just have seen what that kind of behavior can do.

Take care and God Bless.

-RJ-

[DeerSeason]

((((((ladyt))))))Isn't it sad that he is mad because he no longer can control you.

Well, that is the purpose of restraining orders - to help a woman gain control.

Sounds like too, that things are pretty much cut and dried as far as filing in your state.

The State - who has no interest in families reconciling, but in enpowering women to abandon marraiges, and in enriching lawyers - will be a willing partner.

[ladyt]

DeerSeason,

I'm sorry you have been hurt so much that you would feel this way. Sounds like a lot of unforgiveness resides in your heart.

The state does care about reconciling families here, this is why it is taking so long. We have to be sure and we have to mediate. I love my husband and I am asking for nothing more than child support and help with our bills.

Restraining orders stop future opportunities of abuse. I was thinking at some point my husband would say he wanted our marriage and would do anything to save it but instead, he got an attorney to try to get everything he can from me.

He does not love me and doesn't want a relationship with me but wants to live as roommates. I cannot agree to this. So 19 years I will cherish of our marriage and will pray for our family until God answers prayers.

I'll pray for you.

[DeerSeason]

I'm sorry you have been hurt so much that you would feel this way. Sounds like a lot of unforgiveness resides in your heart.

I'm working on that. It would be helped if she'd tell me who is counseling my children, who their tutors/teachers are, and who their babysitters are.

The state does care about reconciling families here, this is why it is taking so long.

Eh... I've not seen it. The state's 1st priority seems to be a judgment (not justice), followed by - unofficially - keeping lawyers employed and acting as the playground of feminist ideologues. My experience.

I love my husband

Sister, I LOVE to hear that - hang in there!

and I am asking for nothing more than child support and help with our bills.

Very reasonable... unless you utilized the state to kick him out of his own house, keep him from his children, and require he have not communicate with you, and just send the money.

Restraining orders stop future opportunities of abuse.

Mostly they gain control, and prejudice judges. Think about this: if a guy is dangerous... is the state kicking him out of his house, taking his firearms, and then extorting money from him, gonna make him reasonable?

I was thinking at some point my husband would say he wanted our marriage and would do anything to save it but instead, he got an attorney to try to get everything he can from me.

Scoundrel. Hiring attorneys is a declaration of war, and the last thing to do if you want reconciliation.

I'll pray for you.

thank you, I appreciate it. I hope He hears.

[DeerSeason]

I'm sorry you have been hurt so much that you would feel this way. Sounds like a lot of unforgiveness resides in your heart.

I'm working on that. It would be helped if she'd tell me who is counseling my children, who their tutors/teachers are, and who their babysitters are. She cashes the checks, she should be reasonable if not grateful. But that's what going to court gets you: money without every having to say please or thank you or even acknowledge it, let alone be decent. That is wrong. Wrong.

The state does care about reconciling families here, this is why it is taking so long.

Eh... I've not seen it. The state's 1st priority seems to be a judgment (not justice), followed by - unofficially - keeping lawyers employed. My experience.

I love my husband

Sister, I LOVE to hear that - hang in there!

and I am asking for nothing more than child support and help with our bills.

Very reasonable... unless you utilized the state to kick him out of his own house, keep him from his children, and require he have not communicate with you, and just send the money.

Restraining orders stop future opportunities of abuse.

Mostly they gain control, and prejudice judges. Think about this: if a guy is dangerous - DANGEROUS - is the state kicking him out of his house, taking his firearms, and then extorting money from him, gonna make him reasonable?

I was thinking at some point my husband would say he wanted our marriage and would do anything to save it but instead, he got an attorney to try to get everything he can from me.

Scoundrel. Hiring attorneys is a declaration of war, and the last thing to do if you want reconciliation. Sounds like he was lying.

I'll pray for you.

thank you, I appreciate it. I hope He hears.

[ladyt]

Not sure why things have to get so ugly but I was thinking our divorce would be civil. I was wrong. The nicer I am the uglier he gets.

He has unlimited access to our daughter but has chosen to distance himself from her because she got smart with him once. She and I ahve had physical fights and she has called me names I would not repeat but I forgave her and I forgive him. He has an issue about forgiving anyone who he feels has done something he does not like. I encourage our daughter to mend their relationship, however each time she tries he says something rude to her.

I have a good attorney. I do some of my own paperwork and copying so she does not charge me for it. If any corrections needs to be made we go over them but I do the corrections and give the document to her. So not all attorneys are greedy.

My husband's attorney has tried to end this amicably but he is even giving his attorney a hard time which means more money we have to pay! He has the money, I do not. I want to keep his last name and he wants me to give it up.

He also had pre-planned the move, saved money, however it was sped up by two weeks when he got physical with me in front of our daughter. He had left 3 months earlier for 6 weeks and returned so it was plain to see he was not happy but the one he wants is married and is not leaving her husband.

So God knows each situation and I try to focus on me doing the right thing and pleasing God not looking at all the dirty things my husband has/is doing.

[resecured]

ladyt,

When you do what pleases God, blessings follow. I am awed by your strength in the midst of your husband's dealings. It will be interesting to see how he finishes in the scheme of things when all is said and done. Take care of yourself and I will be praying for you. I know you will be so glad when all of this is settled. I pray that your daughter's eyes will be opened to how much you love and care for her. How is she doing these days?

-RJ-

[ladyt]

Well she has been through a lot. She stole $2100.00 from me last week, called me a bit@^ last night. I called mental health and they want to put her on meds but she's pregnant.